I was unfaithfully treated in my marriage and then held responsible for it.
Hello everyone,
I’m going to try to avoid focusing too much on the negatives, as I've already dedicated a significant amount of time to processing what’s happened. I’m a 24-year-old Muslim woman who entered into an arranged marriage with a 28-year-old man two years ago. Despite the nature of our marriage, I fell for him the moment I laid eyes on him on our wedding day.
After we married, I relocated to his country and moved in with his family. I made substantial efforts to adapt to a new culture, language, and way of life. Although it was challenging, my love for him motivated me to persevere and make our marriage work. Initially, he was very kind, but as time passed, he became emotionally distant, and I sensed him pulling away. During this period, I tried my hardest to salvage our relationship, but it often felt like I was the only one making an effort.
I had hoped we would move out this year, as I had expressed my discomfort in living with his family. Despite my attempts to win her over, his mother never seemed to accept me. I was transparent about my struggles—navigating a new country, integrating into a new family, and dealing with my depression. I communicated that it was my first year and I simply needed time to adjust. I truly believed that once we moved out, I would feel better, and we could begin our lives together.
Living in that environment was incredibly tough. I often felt miserable and found myself crying frequently, but I persevered. During this time, I earned my master’s degree, secured a job, and dedicated myself to working hard. On weekends, I took on various household responsibilities, including cooking and cleaning. Although it was challenging, I did my best.
After a year, I unexpectedly learned that he had been unfaithful. He had downloaded a dating app, met someone else, and vented to her about me being "too emotional.” To make matters worse, his affair partner knew he was married yet continued the relationship. She presents herself as very devout, which I find highly hypocritical.
Upon discovering the truth, he pressured me to delete evidence, but I confronted his parents first to ensure they heard my side of the story. To my astonishment, instead of holding him accountable, his parents blamed me. They claimed, “You don’t make coffee for my son, and that’s why this happened.” It was utterly ridiculous.
Soon after, my husband and his mother compiled a long list of grievances against me, even involving my parents in their complaints, accusing me of being lazy and resentful toward his mother. Many of their allegations were exaggerated or outright distorted. For instance, while I did express my frustrations about his mother privately, they misrepresented it as if I constantly criticized her. He also used my desire to move out against me, portraying me as unreasonable for wanting that so early in our marriage.
Regarding their accusation of laziness, I admit I felt overwhelmed at times trying to balance work, studying, and living in a tense household. Still, I worked hard on weekends to avoid these kinds of accusations. My parents were frustrated as well, questioning why these issues weren’t brought up earlier instead of being used to justify his infidelity.
Now, I’m back with my parents, distanced from them all. My husband and his family have gone quiet. I’ve chosen not to initiate contact because any discussions with him lead to gaslighting, shame, and projection. He accuses me of betraying his family by leaving, while ignoring the fact that he betrayed me. I haven't received a single apology; instead, he continually asks what I can do to fix our relationship. After everything, I feel exhausted. It’s bewildering to read his messages, where I’m constantly criticized for not being a good wife, despite the fact that he cheated on me for a month.
I acknowledge my imperfections, but I believe those are issues that should be addressed within a relationship. Instead of dealing with our problems, he chose to cheat.
Currently, things are stagnant; we’re both just at a standstill.
I recognize I’ve vented a lot here, but it was necessary for me to express my feelings. What’s most important is that I wish to focus on healing and improving myself. If anyone has advice on how I can move forward, I would greatly appreciate it.