Relationship advices: Sexual Problems and Intimacy

My partner, who is 33, continues to watch porn despite my requests for him to stop.

My partner won’t stop watching porn. When we first started our relationship, we discussed our boundaries and deal breakers extensively. We both agreed that porn was detrimental to mental health and our relationship, so we decided it wouldn’t be part of our lives. However, I’ve recently caught him watching it, and now he’s telling me that I'm the problem. He admits to lying about it all along and claims he never intended to give it up because he doesn’t see it as an issue. I set that boundary for him to accept or refuse, but he doesn’t believe he did anything wrong or that it was manipulative to lie and maintain that pretense in order to satisfy me while still pursuing what he wanted. What should I do?

My girlfriend, who is 29, deceived me about her past involvement in sex work and her current viewing of porn. I'm a 33-year-old man.

**Title: My [33M] Girlfriend [29F] Misled Me About Her Past Involvement in Sex Work and Current Porn Usage** This is my first time posting, and I feel compelled to share my situation to gain some perspective from others. I apologize in advance for the length, but I want to provide a complete picture. My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly two years. Like any relationship, we’ve experienced our share of highs and lows. Our situation became more complex early on, as I was in the midst of a divorce, which is still ongoing and has created its own set of challenges for us. Despite this, she has been incredibly supportive, and the way she has handled everything has only deepened my love for her. Shortly after we started dating, my girlfriend lost her job, which intensified her depression more than either of us expected. I did my best to assist her with her monthly expenses while managing my own legal and financial responsibilities. The job market was tough, and she was determined to find work that would prevent her from having to move back in with her family. She explored various avenues in her field but struggled to secure a position that could mitigate her financial situation. At this point, she also mentioned contemplating an OnlyFans account to generate income in a challenging job market. I expressed my support, and we had a thorough discussion about the kind of content we both felt comfortable with. Unfortunately, her plans fell through for reasons unrelated to our relationship. This brings me to the feelings of betrayal I now have. While she was pregnant, I discovered she had begun posting content on OnlyFans months before our conversation about it. Though I wasn't overly upset at first since it fell within the boundaries we discussed, her reaction when I confronted her revealed a defensiveness that troubled me. She claimed to have deleted the posts and seemed unaware of how I found out. I asked to see her account, but even though the posts were gone, we all know how the internet works—they're never truly erased. We managed to move past it, or so I thought. Recently, while browsing the internet, a suspicious account popped up that was eerily similar to her OnlyFans username. I dug deeper and found connections to three other accounts she had previously insisted did not exist. This led me to a five-year-old Reddit post inquiring about sex work and marketing within that industry. I won't go into specifics, but I verified it was indeed her account. During our original discussion about her considering OnlyFans, I asked if she had thought about sex work before, to which she replied no, emphasizing it was solely a response to financial pressure. My concern is not necessarily with her desire to create such content, but rather that she's lied to me multiple times about it and has not been truthful regarding her intentions. She has said that, since becoming a mother, pursuing this path is off the table, but given her past actions, I struggle to believe her. Then there’s the second issue: dishonesty about her porn consumption. We've been facing intimacy issues lately, partly due to the ongoing stress from my divorce and her new birth control, which has affected her libido. She expressed wanting to be intimate but then claimed she felt numb during the act. Respectfully, I stopped, as I would never force intimacy. In the midst of this, I asked her about the underlying issue—whether it was about me or circumstances beyond our control. She attributed her lack of desire to the combination of the new birth control and another medication. However, I discovered her browsing history, which revealed that she had been watching various types of porn, even just a day prior. I’m not bothered by her watching porn, but it contradicts her claims of having no interest or drive. This situation is incredibly painful for me. She insists she’s still attracted to and loves me, but in light of these recent revelations, I find it hard to fully trust what she says. It leaves me questioning if I’m to blame. How should I approach this conversation with her? I want to tackle the lie directly, but I know that discussing such sensitive topics can be delicate.

I [25, female] and my boyfriend [27, male] have been in a relationship for seven years, and now I'm starting to have some doubts.

I'm a 25-year-old woman and I've been with my boyfriend, who's 27, for seven years. Overall, our relationship has been very happy, and I love him deeply. However, we've encountered some challenges, particularly our differing interests and hobbies. He tends to be a homebody, while I am more social and enjoy being outdoors and engaging in activities. We’ve talked about finding time for each other's interests, which has gone well in theory, but little changes in practice. He seems content with us doing things separately, but that leaves me feeling disconnected, and it's made our sex life suffer. I've noticed a significant drop in my sex drive over the years, which I found concerning. I've since stopped taking birth control and had my hormones checked multiple times, only to be told everything appears normal. Additionally, I entered this relationship at 18, having moved out of an abusive household and raised myself and my two brothers. I didn’t have a chance to enjoy being a kid, and my romantic and sexual experiences have been quite limited. This has led me to feel a profound sense of missing out, which hits me with waves of confusion and sadness at least once a year. I believe these experiences could help me figure out what I truly want in a partner and whether this relationship is right for me. I’ve always thought of our dynamic as a balance—me pushing him out of his comfort zone while he provides grounding for me. Right now, I'm at a loss about what to do. Should I try to ignore these feelings and hope they pass, risking ongoing unrest until I’m too old to explore? Or should I break away to discover what else might be out there? Both options break my heart, and I feel like an emotional wreck. We've talked about the possibility of opening our relationship since I can’t meet his sexual needs, and I’m curious if my lack of desire is exclusive to him or a broader issue. However, he is strongly opposed to this idea. I've also considered taking a break, but I can’t just step away from the relationship to pursue new experiences while he stays home feeling heartbroken. I'm afraid I might endure this dilemma forever, carrying this sadness out of fear of jeopardizing our relationship. Has anyone else gone through something similar?

Has my sexual relationship with my partner, who is 40, come to an end after 30 months?

We've been together for almost four years, building a life side by side. He's incredibly sweet and affectionate, always wanting to cuddle and be close, but for the past year, he hasn't shown any interest in having sex. Lately, this has made me feel a bit odd about myself, and I’m left questioning whether he's still attracted to me. Physically, I haven't changed much, aside from going to the gym more frequently over the past year. I've attempted to discuss this issue several times, but he tends to brush it off, saying things like, "We really need to make more time for it," or expressing that he's simply not in the mood. I even asked if there's anything new he'd like to try to liven things up, but he insists he's content with the current state of our intimacy. In the past, we were quite sexually active, but now we only mess around occasionally, maybe once a week or every other week, and we rarely have actual sex anymore. When he does initiate, he often makes sure I’m satisfied but rarely seeks his own pleasure, which makes me feel like he’s just trying to keep me happy rather than genuinely wanting it. I love him deeply and know that he would do anything for me, but I'm starting to feel like our sex life has come to a halt. I'm uncertain how to approach the topic again in a way that encourages him to take it seriously. Forgive me if this comes off as a bit jumbled—I'm a first-time poster but have been following this community for a while!

Looking for some guidance.

I’m a 29-year-old man dating a 29-year-old woman for the past seven months. Overall, things seem to be going well, but I get the sense that she may not be that interested in being intimate with me. This is my second serious relationship, and I've only had sex in my first one. When I asked her about her past sexual experiences, she mentioned that she has been with many partners, but didn’t specify how many. This has left me feeling a bit uneasy. Should I consider this when thinking about a potential long-term commitment or marriage? Do factors like this typically affect relationships, and if so, to what degree?

My wife, who is 26, and I, at 27, have just begun our marriage. What can we do to strengthen it?

We’ve been together for four years now. Our relationship started slowly; I was fond of her, but it wasn't until a couple of years in that I truly fell in love. Now, I love her more deeply than anything else in my life, but I find myself struggling with my feelings towards her. Though we've only been married for a year, it often feels like our marriage is unraveling. Our communication and intimacy are lacking, and our arguments have reached an all-time high. They escalate quickly, leaving me with the unsettling feeling that we might be at a breaking point. I don’t want to cast blame, and I recognize my own shortcomings and take responsibility for them. However, my wife tends to react defensively to criticism, which complicates things further. I've invested so much effort into nurturing our relationship, yet I feel like I’m not receiving anything in return. To make matters worse, my wife has made hurtful comments that cut deep. When I get frustrated and finally voice the issues I’ve been bottling up, our arguments become explosive. I know I should address concerns sooner, but when I do try to talk, I often feel unheard or even gaslit, leading me to apologize instead. So, I end up staying silent. Additionally, I can't recall the last time I received oral sex, and during intimacy, it often feels like my wife is disengaged. I can’t shake the feeling that she no longer finds me attractive, even though I've been working hard on my appearance and have gained 20-30 pounds of muscle. I've also made significant efforts to improve my overall fitness and health.

I [18M] feel quite unloved by my girlfriend [18F], and I'm afraid to share my feelings and needs with her.

**Title: Navigating Affection in My Relationship** I’m in a young, first relationship that’s been going strong for four months now. During this time, I've come to realize how different relationships can feel from the start compared to where they stand now. In the beginning, everything felt so unique; I felt cherished in every way. Lately, though, I’ve been questioning what’s changed. First and foremost, I want to express how deeply I love my girlfriend. She has Asperger's, which is part of the autism spectrum, and I believe this might be a contributing factor to our current dynamic. Many people with ASD may not be very affectionate, and some even find physical affection overwhelming. However, my girlfriend enjoys cuddling, appreciates words of affirmation, and loves giving gifts. My primary love languages also include physical touch and words of affirmation. I’ve noticed that she responds very positively when I offer her affection—she genuinely enjoys it, which makes me happy. I have always operated under the mindset of prioritizing her happiness, but recently, I find myself unconsciously trying to shower her with affection in hopes of having it reciprocated. Unfortunately, I often have to initiate our physical interactions, whether it's hugs, kisses, cuddling, or even FaceTime calls. A few months ago, I was overwhelmed with emotion when she unexpectedly said "I love you." It was a beautiful moment that left me feeling so vulnerable. What I crave is for her to genuinely want to hug me, to kiss me, or to simply touch me—just having her hand on me would mean the world. I sense that she wants to, but something holds her back. For instance, during a cuddle session, she once mentioned, "You give me so many kisses, but I don’t give any to you," and despite that, she didn’t offer any. This left me hesitant to ask for more affection, fearing that she might feel pressured to do it just because I brought it up. It feels as though her lack of initiation suggests a disinterest, even though I know that’s not true. I’m someone who thrives on physical affection and words of affirmation, and without it, I find it hard to feel loved. I long for her to freely express affection, to offer compliments, to hold my hand without my prompting. It’s painful to feel that I’m asking for it rather than receiving it out of her genuine desire. She has previously expressed that it's challenging for her to articulate affection with words, which makes it even more difficult. I often feel unloved, despite knowing she cares for me deeply, creating a confusing turmoil of emotions. I find myself giving her compliments regularly—telling her how beautiful she is—but the quiet on her end stings. A week ago, I worried that she might not find me attractive anymore. When I asked, she reaffirmed that I am the most attractive boy to her, which melted my heart. Yet, I still crave to hear those words more often. I've tried to express my need without directly saying, "Please love me more; I feel unloved." Instead, I hint at liking it when she says "I love you" often or when she compliments me, but I’m unsure if that resonates with her. This internal struggle has been emotionally taxing. I normally manage my feelings well, but now I find myself in distress late into the night, trying to navigate this situation. I adore her and would cherish her exactly as she is for the rest of my life, but these feelings of longing are difficult to manage. Although I often check in with her about her needs and how I can support her, she always seems fine, which is a relief yet also leaves me feeling isolated with my emotions. **Question: How can I approach her about my feelings without coming across as accusatory? I’d appreciate any advice on how to navigate this conversation and also how to cope with the guilt I feel about needing more affection, knowing it may be challenging for her.** In summary, I feel unloved in my relationship because my girlfriend rarely initiates affection, despite enjoying it. I’m unsure how to communicate this need effectively to her.

[25F] [37M] partner engages with porn more frequently than starting sexual activities.

I'm not uncomfortable with porn; I've mentioned that to my boyfriend before. I do watch it occasionally, though it's not really my thing compared to sex. However, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m being replaced by it. I recently discovered he's into granny porn, which doesn’t bother me much—I don’t feel like I need to compete, honestly. But I’m youthful and attractive, and I crave physical intimacy. He also seems drawn to older women with larger breasts, while mine are more on the medium side, which makes me wonder if that's not enough for him. I came home to find socks with evidence he’s been masturbating, and I know he did that last week after we had sex on Tuesday. He still chose to self-pleasure on Thursday, and even though we had the entire weekend together, there was no intimacy. I find it hard to believe he has “no sex drive” when it seems he’s choosing to satisfy himself instead. He barely looks at me or shows any affection. I’m unsure how to approach this, especially since he’s wonderful in so many other ways.

Different levels of sexual desire? [23F] [24M]

I need some advice. For a while now, I’ve been struggling with an issue in my sex life with my boyfriend. To give some context, I generally want to be intimate every time I see him, with at least one sexual encounter. However, he rarely takes the initiative, and even when we’re kissing, I don’t sense any sexual urgency or desire from him. He might get aroused, but he tends to let me take the lead. There have been several occasions over the past few months when I’ve tried to initiate sex before we go to sleep. I’ll start kissing him and attempt to create a sexual vibe, but he just falls asleep instead. Recently, I’ve started directly asking him if we can have sex. He usually agrees and seems enthusiastic, but when a few minutes pass without any initiation from him, he shifts back to chatting casually. When I bring it up again, he sometimes replies, “Honestly, I’m not in the mood because…” Last night, it was due to a strong emotional reaction he had to a show we were watching, which left him feeling confused and uncomfortable. I was taken aback but acknowledged his feelings as valid. Other times, he cites reasons like having an upset stomach, being too tired, feeling insecure about his body, or being stressed. While these are all understandable situations, I can’t shake the feeling of constant rejection, dissatisfaction, and disconnection. It’s affecting my mood, and I’ve been snapping at him, which feels toxic, and I genuinely dislike how I’m behaving. I find myself questioning what’s wrong with me, but I’m also incredibly hurt and confused. I should mention that outside of this issue, we share a wonderful, loving, and affectionate relationship. We are truly devoted to one another. I’m seeking advice on how to navigate a mismatch in sexual desire with my partner. What should I do?

[26F] Tips for initiating a tough discussion with my boyfriend [32M]

Hello, My partner [32M] and I [26F] share a strong, close, and committed relationship. He’s not only my best friend but also my life partner, and we deeply support each other through everything. We align closely in our work ethics, love for travel, and life goals. However, I've noticed that the frequency of our intimate moments has dwindled to just about once a month. When we first moved in together two years ago, things were much more regular. But with rising responsibilities at work, we've faced challenges that have limited our opportunities for intimacy. My partner's stress has further complicated things by affecting who feels comfortable initiating. It’s been a while since those changes, and I believe work pressures have lightened or found a better rhythm. Yet, I sense that some past awkward encounters have introduced a bit of shyness and discomfort into our bedroom. To clarify, it’s not the intimacy itself (which is usually fantastic), but rather the initiation and the anxiety surrounding performance. He knows I’ve been supportive throughout this time. Initially, I felt a bit upset, as I thought my needs were going unmet, but I’ve managed to adapt. I suspect he may be feeling some guilt about this based on past conversations. Recently, he’s also been in therapy for his stress and depression, which has been beneficial, but there are moments when he tends to withdraw. I fully respect his boundaries during those times. I would really like to bring this topic up again. The last time I attempted to discuss it, he seemed to freeze as he searched for solutions. I don’t feel an urgent need for immediate answers, but I do want us to consider ways to eliminate some of the negative feelings surrounding our intimacy. I've let him know that I’m willing to talk whenever he feels ready. Do you have any suggestions on how to approach this conversation? I’m open to all kinds of perspectives to help me navigate this situation. Thank you!

Should I, a 24-year-old woman, share my attraction to women with my boyfriend, who is also 24 and has been together for 6 years?

**NSFW - Discussing Sexual Fantasies, Treading Carefully** I [24F] love my boyfriend [24M] deeply. We've been together for six years, and he was my first kiss, first boyfriend, and my first in every sense. I have no regrets about our relationship. However, I occasionally find myself harboring curious fantasies about women. These fantasies aren’t centered on anyone specific; often, I can't even see their faces, or my imagination creates generic figures. I notice that when I see women on the street, I tend to admire their bodies and faces more than I do men’s. I even playfully flirt with female coworkers, finding them attractive, but I don’t think of them in a sexual way. I feel the need to share my fantasies with him, but I worry that he might misinterpret this as a desire to act on them. Since he’s the only partner I’ve ever had, I don’t want him to feel insecure or think I am considering being with someone else. I’ve mentioned being bi in passing before, but he knows I’ve had no real experience—just brief moments of hand-holding with others. To me, having fantasies feels different from simply finding both men and women attractive. I might be overanalyzing, but I am eager to be more open and communicate with him. He identifies as pansexual, but it’s worth noting he hasn’t been with a man either. I’m not sure if he has fantasies about other people, but it doesn’t bother me as long as they remain fantasies. The idea of being with someone else or seeing him with someone else makes me uncomfortable. I often feel guilty about these thoughts because they seem wrong, yet I wouldn’t mind if he had similar fantasies. He has always been open and accepting of my interests, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings or make him doubt his worth, as he is truly more than I deserve. How can I approach this conversation so that we come out even stronger as a couple? I'm on mobile, so I apologize for any odd formatting. **TL;DR:** I feel guilty for having fantasies about women that I don't want to act on, and I want to tell my boyfriend without making him feel inadequate.

My boyfriend and I, who are both in our early twenties, are experiencing some issues in the bedroom.

I'm a submissive in my relationship, while my boyfriend is versatile. He understands that I don't enjoy taking the dominant role, but lately, he's been acting extra submissive toward me. He's expressed a desire for me to take control and has even bought outfits to enhance my appeal for him. However, attraction isn't the issue; I'm just not comfortable being the one in charge due to my high anxiety. Every time he brings it up, I feel the need to gently let him down. How can I communicate this to him in a kind way?

Looking for some advice: I've [46F] recently become roommates with my boyfriend [56M], but we've been living without any intimacy for the past nine months, and we have a lot of unresolved issues between us.

**Background:** I’ve had a number of long-term relationships, was married for 11 years until my divorce, and I don’t have any children. I have a good job and took some time to be on my own to figure out my identity without my ex-partner. I eventually asked my current boyfriend out on a date, and we hit it off—my happiness was through the roof, and he seemed really pleased as well. Our conversations flowed effortlessly, and our values and aspirations aligned. We decided to move in together, and everything felt wonderful at that time. Fast forward about 1.5 years, and we haven’t been intimate for nearly 9 months. Approximately nine months ago, I discovered that my boyfriend had been viewing a significant amount of pornography featuring trans women who hadn’t undergone bottom surgery. I found out because my internet provider’s app was alerting me about frequent visits to malware websites, prompting me to investigate. I was shocked by the list of unusual porn sites he had accessed. We discussed this, and he initially denied it, suggesting that his phone must have visited those sites on its own. After further conversations, he admitted he was simply curious and promised to stop. Unfortunately, since then, we haven’t been intimate, despite numerous discussions about it. I've expressed the importance of intimacy to me and my desire to avoid being "just roommates," offering alternative forms of connection like cuddling, kissing, and spending quality time together. Yet, nothing has changed. My boyfriend often attributes our lack of intimacy to various external factors: it’s too hot, too cold, he’s too tired, the cat is in the bed, or even my knee injury. He also blames my work-related stress. I overheard him speaking to his 80-year-old father about me, labeling me as a "leech" and stating that he couldn’t be intimate with me. He mentioned feeling annoyed if I came home early from work, which deeply saddened me. He has also brought up a sexual assault he experienced in his youth but refuses to discuss it in detail, saying he has dealt with it through therapy. However, it seems to create a barrier between us whenever it comes up. I tried to assure him that I don't want to pressure him into intimacy, but I need to see some interest from him. He is resistant to the idea of us going to therapy together. We don’t argue frequently; typically, I initiate conversations about these matters, and by the end, I feel like somehow it all comes back to being my fault, which leaves me feeling gaslit. Currently, my boyfriend spends most of his free time in the basement, consuming YouTube content, watching TV, or playing video games for upwards of 12 hours without a break. I’ve been reflecting on what I might be doing wrong. In the past three months, I’ve only asked him about sex once, and he promptly rejected me. I questioned if this is how things are going to be, and he responded by saying he would move out the following day, although he didn’t follow through. His willingness to say something like that hurt me deeply as it feels dismissive of our relationship. I’ve tried to engage more by spending time with him in the basement or giving him space, yet nothing seems to improve the situation. **Additional Information:** We live in my house, and I earn more than he does. As a result, I often cover most expenses—food, entertainment, travel to see his family, and other outings—while also handling most of the household chores. Is this relationship over? The feelings of rejection and neglect are weighing heavily on me. I don’t use drugs and have no interest in them, while he occasionally uses marijuana, often changing his behavior when he does. I’ve asked him not to smoke inside the house or garage, but he continues to do so, assuming I’m unaware, despite the obvious signs of his altered state. How can I reconnect with him and move forward from this situation?

Visiting [32F] for the first time with a friend who's 40.

I had never kissed anyone until yesterday. I'm a 32-year-old woman who is generally considered attractive, especially at 25. For a long time, I had a phobia of intimacy and sexual interactions with men. However, I gradually overcame this fear through an online relationship with a guy. I also had a friend and colleague who pursued me for about five years, always checking in and asking me out. I rejected him each time until he moved away. After that, I agreed to meet up. We went on two dates, and on the third, we had dinner and took a walk. On our way back to my hotel, he said he would come along, and I was fine with just watching a movie. But after about an hour, he started kissing me. At first, I wasn’t into it, but eventually, I found it enjoyable, and we ended up having intimate moments until morning. It was an amazing experience. He was really sweet and attentive, only being a bit pushy initially for the kisses, which I partly attribute to inviting him in. We ended up being intimate several times, and it felt really good. Now, I'm wondering how to navigate the relationship moving forward. I want to ensure I don't become emotionally attached in an unhealthy way. What advice do you have for me, experienced members of Reddit?

Is it unsanitary for me (22F) to share a washcloth with my boyfriend (23M)?

"We've been in a relationship for a few years now and have recently moved in together. From the start, we’ve loved showering together and have been using the same washcloth to conserve soap. Since I didn't live there initially, I didn't think much of sharing it. We still frequently shower together and continue to share the washcloth. I’m starting to wonder if this is unsanitary and if we should stop, but I also think, 'Why waste more soap?' I'm hesitant to ask my friends, just in case this is actually gross. I would appreciate your honest thoughts on this. Thanks!"

Me, age 23 (female), and him, age 33 (male).

At 23, I’ve been in a wonderful relationship for the past four years, but lately, I’ve begun to sense that the romance may be fading. In the beginning, he (33M) used to show his affection through sweet gestures like holding my hand in the car and kissing me goodbye. Now, it feels like I haven’t experienced those tender moments in ages—it's usually me who has to initiate any physical affection. What does romance mean to you? How can I improve my situation?

My boyfriend, who is 24, lied to me.

Hello everyone! My boyfriend and I have been together for about 18 months. A few months ago, we were going through a tough time, and our intimacy decreased. He wasn't open with me about what was happening, so I eventually asked if he watched adult content. He admitted that he did, a few times a week. I was hurt because it felt like he was seeking out other women online when we weren't being intimate. We discussed it, and he promised to stop watching it. I never pressured him to make that choice; I simply shared how I felt. I trusted him and thought we could move forward. Recently, however, I noticed he was behaving the same way as before, so I asked him if he was watching it again. He insisted he wasn't, and I believed him. But soon after, I asked again, and he repeated the denial. I mentioned that I felt he was lying, and he just laughed it off. After some time, I told him he was a bad liar, and he said he didn't know what I wanted him to say. I was really hurt to learn that he had been lying to me for months, especially given my past experiences with dishonesty and infidelity. When I asked to go through his phone, I found him on women’s OnlyFans pages, which compounded my hurt. This behavior feels completely out of character for him, and I'm confused about who he has become. How should I approach this conversation with him? TL;DR: My boyfriend has lied about watching adult content, and I'm upset. How can I discuss this with him?

My boyfriend, who is 23, is unhappy that our relationship is lacking in intimacy, and I'm 23 as well.

To provide some background, my boyfriend (23M) and I (23F) have been together for nearly a year. In the early stages of our relationship, we were intimate frequently, although we didn’t spend as much time together as we do now. However, since around October, my desire for sex has significantly decreased. I’ve explained to him that it’s due to not being in the mood, but that seems insufficient for him, so I mentioned it might be linked to my past trauma from sexual assault. Unfortunately, he seems to doubt my feelings because he often points out that I’ve had sexual relationships with other people (30 in total) before him, questioning why I won’t be intimate with him. We've revisited this argument several times a month since October 2024. A few weeks ago, I reached a breaking point and told him that if my lack of interest isn’t enough for him to accept, he should seek out someone else who can meet his needs. He agreed that it might be best for us to part ways. However, fast forward to now, and he claims he is willing to change his perspective on sex to make our relationship work. Do you think he will genuinely change? Will I ever be able to move past his refusal to accept a simple “no” for why I’m not in the mood? I love him deeply, and while our relationship has its imperfections, there are many positive aspects. But given my past trauma and a recent incident of workplace harassment, the topic of sex holds significant weight for me. It seems like he’s finally taking my feelings seriously now that he wants to maintain our relationship. P.S. I don’t typically post on here, so if you need more information, just let me know! Thanks!

I believe I'm experiencing performance anxiety with my boyfriend, who's also 23, and we've been together for three years.

My boyfriend and I share a wonderful and close relationship, and just four months ago, we moved in together. For the past three years, I’ve had no issues with intimacy; in fact, I couldn’t keep my hands off him. Even when he lived in a student house, that didn’t hinder us at all. Lately, though, I’ve been experiencing some nervousness when things start to heat up, to the point where I feel like giving up, even though I still want to have sex. I haven't lost any feelings for him; it’s just that I’m facing a block in getting things going. I’m extremely attracted to him, and moving in together has actually strengthened our relationship in many ways. I’m feeling confused at this point. I still have a high sex drive, and once we get over this hurdle, everything goes well. But I’ve been finding it increasingly difficult to initiate intimacy lately. I can't quite identify the reasons behind this, so if anyone has had a similar experience, I’d appreciate your insights. I really want to resolve this issue, as I fear it’s becoming a concern for him too. I worry he might think I’m losing interest, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I want to mention that he fully understands and respects me, and we’ve discussed this extensively. However, talking about it hasn’t helped much, as I truly can’t pinpoint the cause.

My girlfriend [20F] and I [20M] are experiencing some difficulties in our relationship, and our intimacy has started to feel more awkward lately.

I want to share a bit about my situation. I have some traits of autism that make it challenging for me to fully grasp how others react, which can come off as strange or even rude. I've discussed this with my partner multiple times, emphasizing that my intentions are always good and that I never aim to be disrespectful. However, this, combined with some confusing communication from my partner, leaves me constantly questioning my actions and words. I try to be understanding, especially knowing how frustrating I can be to engage with when emotions are running high, and I genuinely want to be understood. My partner enjoys exploring spicy sex and roleplay but is also grappling with severe depression and borderline personality disorder (BPD). This puts me in a tough position because, while I want to meet their needs and engage in intense roleplays that align with their high sex drive, I don’t always feel safe doing so. This dynamic isn't solely about sex, but that's been the most pressing issue for me lately, as intimacy holds significant meaning to me and is a sensitive topic. My partner is easily hurt and finds pleasure in humiliation during sex, which often blurs the lines between roleplay and genuine feelings. I'm trying to maintain communication by using safe words and checking in, but they often shy away from discussing their feelings. When I ask too many questions, hold back during sex, or hesitate to commit to the roleplay, I worry that I'm letting them down, as they sometimes feel like I'm no longer attracted to them. I want to show them that I care and that I also want to enjoy our sex life, but honestly, I’m uncertain about my level of attraction compared to the past. I feel like I'm putting in a lot of effort without reciprocation, yet there are so many expectations placed on me. Recently, my partner discovered they enjoy playing a parental role, which I do find intriguing. However, I need to feel more aroused before engaging in that scenario; otherwise, it can catch me off guard and make me uncomfortable. There seems to be an expectation that I should be able to get turned on simply by them expressing this desire. But that’s not how it works for me. In many instances, I feel like I'm doing all I can, yet I require a bit of time and affection to get in the mood. When I'm immediately thrust into heavy sexual activities, it can feel overwhelming. I struggle to articulate this to my partner without them thinking that my lack of arousal equates to a lack of attraction or makes them feel like a failure as a partner. I have difficulty reading emotional cues at times, and my attempts to communicate my feelings often miss the mark, leading to misunderstandings. It feels like a cycle of self-pity and questioning whether I’m not loving my partner enough. I'm feeling stuck and out of ideas. While I’ve always valued open communication and we've made progress in some areas, the sexual aspect remains a struggle for me. When I do connect and feel aroused, I'm happy to provide what my partner desires, yet they often perceive it as me only being interested in meeting their needs. I sense that sex has become primarily about fulfilling their desires, leaving my own needs unexpressed. This might sound negative, but I genuinely love my partner. They can be incredibly affectionate, and they do apologize sincerely when they have emotional outbursts. I believe their behavior is influenced by their BPD; I don’t see them acting out of malice or intent, but rather as someone grappling with their feelings. Lately, I feel overwhelmed and self-critical, wondering if I’m a bad partner. I’d appreciate any outside perspectives that could help me navigate this situation. I'm aware I'm only presenting my viewpoint while trying to remain objective. I feel pressured into sexual situations, leading me to question whether my lack of desire indicates a lack of love, all the while feeling like my body is being used without my satisfaction. I'm looking for opinions, tips on managing relationships where a partner has BPD, and suggestions on how to communicate my feelings effectively.

I am worried about my girlfriend and whether she has lost interest in me.

Lately, things have felt difficult. It seems like I'm receiving a cold shoulder at every turn, and the spark between us seems to have disappeared. She rarely wants to hug or touch me anymore and never takes the initiative. I can't shake the feeling that she's grown tired of me. To provide some context, I have a leg injury that often leaves me disabled, limiting my ability to do much physically. I believe this has contributed to the situation, but whenever I bring it up, I feel dismissed. I also struggled with addiction in the past and was generally a mess financially. I can't help but feel like I was just a project for her, and now that I've improved in many ways—except for my leg—I worry that our relationship may not endure much longer. I miss her deeply, both physically and emotionally, and I've expressed this to her. I don't feel loved, and I'm not the type to reciprocate affection if I don't sense it in return. The only times we tend to be intimate are after we argue or have lengthy discussions about our issues. Most of the time, though, she doesn't seem willing to communicate, often saying, "there's no point."

My girlfriend (22) watches a lot of porn, and it really bothers me (23).

I'm feeling really concerned about something in my relationship. My girlfriend tends to watch porn and pleasure herself when I'm asleep during our sleepovers, whether at each other's houses or over the phone. I'll notice she's muted herself, and when I ask what she's doing, she ignores me and continues for about an hour before falling asleep afterward. We've been together for two years and are planning to get married soon, and I desperately want her. She says I'm very attractive, loves my body, and enjoys my vibe. However, even when we're in bed together, she often says she isn't in the mood for intimacy, yet later on, she seems to be engaging with porn when I'm not aware. It really bothers me and makes me feel insecure about myself. I don't watch porn or pleasure myself at all; I just want to be with her. While she watches porn around 7 to 10 times a week, she claims she isn't horny when I suggest we get intimate. Interestingly, she said she would be bothered if I watched porn or did anything like that, so she appreciates that I don't. After discussing this with her, I was open and kind. I told her that knowing she engages in this behavior upsets me and asked why she wouldn't prefer to share that experience with me instead. Sometimes she apologizes and says she doesn't want to hurt me, but other times she suggests I should find someone else if I can't handle it. I truly love her; she's my dream girl and the love of my life, but feeling this way makes me very sad. Does anyone have advice on how I can cope with this situation? TL;DR

My boyfriend, who is 29, wants to explore his sexual fantasy.

Hi Reddit, I'm usually just a lurker, but I'm in a tricky situation and would really appreciate your insights. I'm not the best at storytelling, but here goes... I’m a 30-year-old woman in a relationship with my 29-year-old partner for nearly 8 years. We began our relationship long-distance and still live in different countries. I have more sexual experience than he does, as I was his first partner. A few months back, he brought up his fantasy of threesomes. I was surprised but figured it’s a common desire for many men. When I asked him to elaborate, he said he’d like to have two women (me and another woman) involved with him. Now I'm uncertain about what this means for our relationship. It seems like he either wants to try it with someone else or explore swinging. He argues that we should experience it before getting married so we can focus on us later. While I understand where he’s coming from, as I’m his only partner, I also don't want to hold him back. My brother warned me that exploring these experiences could lead to heartbreak for couples. I think I could handle letting him go to explore his desires, trusting that if we’re meant to be, we will be. However, he doesn’t want to break up. How should I approach this conversation with him?

My boyfriend, who is 19, thinks that sex takes up too much time.

My boyfriend and I just moved in together, and we were really excited about finally having some privacy after sharing a space with two roommates and dealing with thin walls. We thought we'd be able to enjoy our intimacy without worrying about being overheard. Recently, while we were getting cozy, I started to sense he was trying to initiate something, but then he halted and went back to playing on his PC. Later, I mentioned to him that I felt he was building up to something, and I was a bit let down to find out he was just joking around. He then shared that sex takes up a lot of his time, which discourages him. This really hurt my feelings, especially since he easily carves out time for his friends and gaming without hesitation. Why is being intimate perceived as such a hassle? I wanted to know if there was something I could do to make it feel more worthwhile, so I expressed how his comment affected me. He opened up about his anxiety regarding lasting too long and worrying that it might be disappointing for me. Yet, I can't help but feel that it's more disappointing that he's hesitant to even try being intimate with me. I later asked him what the biggest obstacle was, and he said it was definitely the time commitment involved. I'm unsure how to make intimacy seem as appealing as other activities or help him understand how much his comment affected me.

Is there a way to address my partner's (39M) loss of sexual attraction towards me (39F)?

It's been a long journey, but I've finally reached a breaking point. Our relationship has been rocky since December, and we've been seeing a therapist. I've put in a tremendous amount of effort, meeting all the expectations set before me, while he has done very little. He often reassured me that as we grew closer, expressions of love and planning special activities together would come naturally, but that hasn’t happened. He consistently made excuses for our lack of intimacy, which I foolishly accepted. When we did manage to be intimate, it was infrequent, perhaps once a month, and felt more like a chore than a connection. Although he hasn't had a high sex drive throughout our relationship, when we did have intimacy, it was wonderful—adventurous, playful, and fulfilling. After a few weeks of feeling emotionally closer and more connected, I made a regrettable request: I asked him for a flirty text. He seemed open to the idea at first, but eventually became frustrated, saying he couldn’t bring himself to send one despite setting aside time to try. He knows I have a high sex drive but feels unable to engage. When I asked him what would turn him on if texts weren't enough, he suggested, “take better care of yourself.” I’ve actually lost two to three dress sizes in the past nine months and have made more effort in my appearance, but that still doesn’t seem to meet his expectations. He thinks I should wear a full face of makeup and have perfect hair every day, which is just not me. Despite my weight loss and conscious effort to dress well lately, my self-esteem has plummeted. This has led me to scrutinize my body more closely; I’ve noticed more of a “muffin top” than ever and try to find lingerie that conceals it. I know I still have more weight to lose, and I’ve been trying to dress nicely and wear make-up to make him find me attractive. I suspect part of this issue is influenced by a friend who recently had bariatric surgery and lost a significant amount of weight, transforming from a size 28 to a size 8. She is slim and dresses alluringly, both socially and at work, and she always looks put together since she's a hairstylist. We see her often; our sons are best friends. My husband enjoys spending time with her, taking our son to play dates and for meals, which adds to my feelings of insecurity. I can't help but think he desires me to emulate her or may be drawn to her. Feeling utterly shattered, I spoke with our couples therapist privately last night. My husband is trying to schedule his own session with the therapist but hasn't received a response yet. He prefers to wait for the therapist's guidance rather than discuss things with me. The therapist mentioned the sudden changes point to deeper issues and asked if I thought my husband was being unfaithful or comparing me to others. I love my husband dearly and have made significant sacrifices for him and our son. It feels like my options are limited to drastic measures like plastic surgery or waking up earlier for an extensive beauty routine, neither of which I genuinely want. I believe my skin looks good without heavy makeup, preferring just mascara and lipstick. Ironically, he didn’t like my wedding makeup because he said it didn’t reflect my true self, yet now he seems to want something very different. There’s something I’ve never shared with him or our friends because I know it would hurt him deeply: I don’t find him physically attractive. He’s tall, and that’s nice, but beyond that, I can’t muster the attraction. I won’t elaborate further; I still want to support him and acknowledge that he dresses well and looks smart, having lost weight. He aims to achieve the physique he’s always desired by 40, and I feel he expects me to do the same. He even gifted me fitness equipment for Christmas. However, my desire stems from emotional attraction rather than just physical appearance. How can we make this work if he seems focused solely on the external? In the past, we’ve had passionate weekends filled with excitement and intimacy, and he regularly reassured me of my attractiveness. Recently, I’ve felt confident, especially after losing weight and dressing in what I know he likes, so I can’t understand why he now seems less interested. I still get carded sometimes, as I look younger than I am, and I want to feel like enough for him again. Has anyone else experienced this, and is there hope for recovery, or are we destined to drift apart?

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