Relationship advices: Sexual Problems and Intimacy

How can I (38F) find a compromise with my boyfriend (34M) regarding playing with my hair?

How can I (38F) reach a compromise with my boyfriend (34M) about his hair-twirling? My boyfriend (34M) and I (38F) have been together for three years, both bringing three kids from previous relationships, and we live apart. From the start of our relationship, he has enjoyed playing with my hair, which I initially found special and intimate. However, over time, I’ve noticed that he twirls the hair of everyone around him—his kids, my kids, and even the children of close friends. This has diminished the intimacy of his actions for me, to the point where I feel turned off when he twirls my hair, especially during moments of closeness like cuddling on the couch or when I’m giving him oral pleasure. I’ve expressed to him several times that I would prefer him to touch my body or scalp in a way that feels more like an appreciation of me, rather than just my hair. He argues that he can’t help it because it’s intimate for him, comparing it to how I might rub his back, which I believe is a more conscious and intentional act than simply twirling hair absentmindedly. This difference in perspective has led to interruptions during intimate moments and has sparked disagreements between us. I’m at a crossroads about whether I should begin to view my hair as an extension of my body, or if he should refrain from twirling my hair during those intimate occasions. On a related note that might be influencing my perception: about a year ago, a neighboring mother confronted us, saying he should stop touching her daughter’s hair because that’s how she was groomed, which eventually led to her sexual assault as a child.

"Four months in, and there's still been no intimacy."

I'm a 25-year-old male, and my girlfriend, who is 20, and I have been together for four months in a committed relationship. Despite our connection, we have not yet had sex, and I find myself growing increasingly frustrated. I’m trying to be understanding, as she is a virgin and I have had multiple partners in the past. In my experience, even when I was 15, I was intimate with a girlfriend who was also a virgin, and it only took us about a week and a half of dating to take that step. Normally, I wouldn’t wait this long, but I genuinely like this girl and see a future with her, which is why I haven’t ended things. I’ve discussed my feelings with her, and she understands my frustrations. She has mentioned wanting to be more open-minded, yet there hasn’t been much change. I feel torn; I don’t want her to feel pressured, but I’m also frustrated by the continual rejection. We’ve had some sleepovers, but aside from light kissing, nothing advances further. She has expressed that she wants her first time to be with me but isn’t ready and isn’t sure when she will be. I plan to have a heart-to-heart with her about this tonight, as it hasn’t been addressed in a while. What are some suggestions for what I should say or ask during this conversation?

"Am I being dramatic?"

Last night, my boyfriend (28/M) and I (23/F) were just about to drift off to sleep when our neighbors started making a lot of noise during their intimate moments. When I heard her scream, I noticed my boyfriend was getting aroused. I didn’t say anything, and we ended up being intimate too because he was turned on. I get that it’s a natural response, and I should just move on, but honestly, it left me feeling uneasy and ashamed about my reaction. Any thoughts?

"20F I recently lost my virginity to a 19M and have started being more active sexually, but it's still a bit awkward. Any tips on how we can improve?"

My boyfriend (19M) and I (20NB/F) recently lost our virginity to each other, and it was genuinely enjoyable! Initially, I thought everything would be straightforward, but when we started, lining up our bodies was a challenge, and things didn’t always go or stay where we expected. We were surprised by some unexpected sounds and even ended up slipping off the bed— it was actually pretty funny, and we shared a lot of laughs. During foreplay, he’s very enthusiastic about making sure I’m satisfied and is open to suggestions! However, he sometimes gets a bit too eager while going down on me— he can be a little rough, especially when he’s stimulating my clitoris, which can go from pleasurable to overly sensitive very quickly. He’s also been a bit intense when we kiss, but with some guidance, he’s been getting softer during those moments, which is encouraging. On our first encounter, things progressed so rapidly that my immediate reaction was to fake an orgasm to redirect him, which I know sounds bad. I left feeling a little upset that it had to end in that way, and I felt guilty for not expressing my feelings in the moment. So, the next time we were getting intimate, I suggested we show each other how we usually prefer to be touched. I guided him to be gentler with his hands and explained how I like to be touched. When he tried going down on me again, I was nervous about how things might escalate too quickly, so I had to keep guiding his head away. Additionally, since we were in a cold AC room, I found myself drying up from the chill, which made things even more challenging. How can we navigate this without losing the moment? Also, while I think my boyfriend is well-endowed lengthwise, I tend to respond better to girth. Are there particular positions that would highlight his girth more effectively while we’re in motion? We enjoyed the lazy doggy style position when we tried it, as it felt incredibly intense. Furthermore, I’ve found that practicing riding positions on my own is much easier than doing so on a small bed with another person involved. Even though I'm quite flexible, it can be surprising to find the right rhythm and balance. Do you have any tips for building my endurance and stamina for those positions? Any insights into managing the various factors I’ve mentioned would be greatly appreciated. Overall, my boyfriend has expressed some insecurity about his ability to please me, and I find myself torn between not wanting him to feel inadequate as we both learn together and understanding that I need to assert what I need to ensure a positive experience. I don’t want to enable any bad habits that might become harder to address later on. I’m here seeking any advice, suggestions, or guidance you all can provide. Edit: I realize that if I’m asking for advice on communication and the response is simply “communicate,” it kind of feels like we’re going in circles, doesn’t it? LOL.

Am I taking up his time unnecessarily?

I’m looking for an unbiased opinion. So, I'm a 20-year-old female and he’s a 21-year-old male; we’ve been high school friends. We spent the first two years of our relationship together, but the last two years have been more on and off. Now, things are getting serious again, and we’ve talked about intimacy. He often asks when we will take that step, but I’m not ready for it. Just to clarify, I haven't had any sexual experience, and I don’t have any trauma; it’s just where I am right now. I’m hesitant to share this with him because I really value our relationship and I’m afraid of losing him. He’s a wonderful person, but I worry that he might want more than I can give.

Adult content in a relationship

I know this might sound silly to some, but I really need some advice. My boyfriend (21M) and I (21M) have been together for three years. We didn’t have sex for the first two years, and even now, our intimacy is quite sporadic. To clarify, he is definitely not ace. Recently, I found out that he’s been subscribing to OnlyFans, looking up girls on Instagram and TikTok, and following or liking their posts, though he hasn’t made any overt moves on anyone. When I confronted him about the OnlyFans subscriptions, it hurt my feelings. I’m open to sex and willing to explore new things, but I don't see myself as conventionally attractive; I’m a bigger girl, which can be more of an acquired taste for some. The girls he’s been following are entirely different from me—they're either skinny gamer girls or fitness enthusiasts. Since discovering this about six months ago, I’ve tried to lose some weight and have lost about 20 pounds. When I first brought it up, he promised to stop and acknowledged that it contributed to our intimacy issues. However, four months later, I found out he hasn't stopped. He admits it feels like an addiction, expresses guilt, and insists that this time will be different. I discovered this again about a month ago after asking him directly; I’m not sure if he was being truthful about whether he continued until just before I asked or if he was nervous about getting caught. He’s begging me for another chance, and I’m willing to give it to him, but our intimacy hasn’t improved much after that initial promise, which raises concerns that he may have slipped back into his old habits. Should I bring it up again or try to trust him? I can’t shake the feeling that he’s looking at other girls or watching porn, which has left me feeling insecure. I didn’t feel unattractive until I discovered this six months ago, and it’s been weighing on me. How can I learn to trust him again? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Struggling with Sexual Challenges in My Relationship - Seeking Guidance

Subject: Seeking Guidance on a Challenging Relationship Hey everyone, I hope you're all doing well. I'm reaching out for some advice and support, as I've been feeling quite lost and confused lately. I’m a 29-year-old man in a relationship with my partner, also 29, for the past 2.5 years. This is my second serious relationship, while it's her fourth. I truly love her; she’s kind, supportive, and an overall wonderful person. However, we’ve been having some significant challenges in our sex life that are affecting me emotionally. To provide some context, my partner has been diagnosed with vaginismus, which was confirmed about a year ago after she consulted a gynecologist. While we suspected it for some time, it took her more than a year and a half to seek medical help, despite her initial promises to do so. Our conversations on the topic often ended in frustration, and it was only after I opened up about my deep feelings of depression that she finally visited the doctor. Unfortunately, since her diagnosis, there hasn't been much follow-up care, even though she was advised to return after 15 days. When I try to discuss it, it typically leads to arguments, and my therapist has suggested that I refrain from pushing the issue. Here are the main challenges we’re facing: - She never takes the initiative when it comes to sex, and we seldom discuss it, even though it’s one of the key issues in our relationship. - She appears to lack interest in sexual activities altogether. For instance, she only started masturbating four years ago and doesn’t seem engaged with it currently. She also doesn’t enjoy watching porn or participating in anything like dirty talk, which I’ve minimized because she finds it uncomfortable. - During our intimate moments, she often seems uneasy with certain actions. For example, she is not comfortable with oral sex, whether giving or receiving, and I usually have to request it, even after I’ve just showered. - There’s a noticeable lack of engagement with my body during intimacy; aside from some kissing, there’s little reciprocation, which leaves me feeling unfulfilled. Emotionally, I’ve been grappling with: - About six months into our relationship, I started experiencing issues like erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. The stress reached a point where I even considered breaking up, but we reconciled after she promised to seek help, which was 1.5 years ago. Unfortunately, aside from her one gynecologist visit, there hasn’t been any real progress. - We’ve recently been doing long-distance, and while I miss her dearly, she hasn’t shown much interest in deeper conversations. I long for physical intimacy, but it feels like she has lost interest in that aspect of our relationship. Engaging in activities over video call is uncomfortable for her, and it feels awkward for me to seek pleasure alone, so I’ve stopped pursuing phone sex. - While I’ve suggested alternatives like outercourse, she often prefers to skip those moments. There seems to be a lack of exploration into other forms of intimacy despite my encouragement. - We attempted couple's therapy in hopes of addressing our sex life, but ended up focusing on non-sexual issues, leading us to discontinue since she dislikes discussing our relationship with a third party. - Additionally, she is resistant to seeing a sex therapist, which leaves me feeling trapped. I’ve invested time researching ways to support her, but she often finds fault with each suggestion. Other difficulties: I don’t know much about her progress with dilators, as she’s reluctant to discuss it, despite having had them for a year. We’ve only engaged in penetrative intercourse when she initiates, and I’ve reassured her that I'm comfortable in the relationship without it for the time being—though I can’t envision this being the case indefinitely. I genuinely want this relationship to work, but there hasn’t been much change in our sexual dynamics over the past 2.5 to 3 years. I’m feeling conflicted about whether I should stay or move on. I’m experiencing significant feelings of depression and uncertainty about how to proceed. I love her and want to provide support, but these ongoing issues are becoming increasingly hard to manage. I’m worried that discussing this will make me seem like a bad partner, but I truly need guidance on how to move forward. Has anyone faced a similar situation? How did you navigate it? Thank you for taking the time to read this. I would greatly appreciate any advice or support you can offer. **TL;DR:** I’m a 29-year-old man in a 2.5-year relationship with my partner, who has vaginismus. Although she is a fantastic partner in many ways, we struggle significantly with intimacy and communication regarding our sexual life. Despite her initial promise to seek help, little progress has been made, and she's against seeing a sex therapist. I feel emotionally drained and uncertain about the future of our relationship. I love her, but I feel lost and conflicted—any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I'm a 21-year-old guy, and I'm struggling to help my girlfriend, who is also 21, understand that it’s not that I don’t love her. It’s just that I’m not comfortable cuddling while I’m sleeping.

My girlfriend and I share many similarities, especially when it comes to our preferences. For instance, we both strongly dislike when people invade our personal space. Handshakes are uncommon for us, and we only feel comfortable giving hugs to those we've known for a long time. When we first started getting to know each other, we became comfortable enough to let each other into our personal spaces—we embraced, kissed, and held hands. However, I've always had a hard time sleeping next to someone. The only person I shared a bed with as a child was my grandma, and since my mom gave me my own room at seven, I've been more or less alone at night. This led to fears of both sleeping alone and needing a light on. I've had relationships where I stayed over, but I’ve never really been able to fall asleep while cuddling. Spooning and the heat can make me feel itchy and restless, preventing me from sleeping well, and I tend to squirm away, which can be frustrating for my partner. I’ve always been fine sleeping with pillows, a habit I developed as a child with my teddy bears (even if I had to give them up at 13 for being ‘not manly’). But having another person so close while I sleep has never been comfortable for me. My girlfriend, on the other hand, thrives on affection and often craves my touch. Sometimes she wants to be right next to me for extended periods, and while that doesn't diminish my love for her, I occasionally need space to feel like myself. I enjoy cuddling on the couch or during a movie, but when it comes to sleeping, it’s a different story. Despite having a king-sized bed, I often find myself near the edge or waking her up because her instinct is to pull me closer while I automatically try to move away, leaving me teetering off the bed. She sometimes playfully accuses me of not caring because I don't want to cuddle while we sleep. It’s exhausting to repeat that I'm just not used to it and that I find it uncomfortable, much like anyone else might have their own discomforts. While I know she’s mostly joking, this issue arises every time she stays over, and it leaves me feeling uneasy.

My girlfriend and I can no longer share a bed.

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for three years now, and for context, she experienced sexual assault before we started dating. Throughout our time together, we've shared a bed every night. However, in the past couple of months, she's been struggling with her trauma again. As a result, I've found myself sleeping on the sofa or in the spare room each night. Recently, I tried sharing the bed with her again, but both nights, she woke me up in the early hours having a panic attack. This is largely due to my breathing and the noises I make while I sleep, which she says remind her of that traumatic night. Although she wears AirPods to help mask the sounds, it seems I’m still too loud for her to feel comfortable. I'm worried this is starting to put a strain on our relationship, and I miss the closeness we shared while sleeping together. I'd appreciate any advice on how I might support her healing process. I understand this could be the situation moving forward, and I'm open to that possibility, but I want to help her as much as I can.

Do you have any suggestions for how I, a 28-year-old woman, can support my boyfriend, who is 29, with his frequent porn consumption and his struggles with depression?

My boyfriend (29M) and I (28F) have been together for a year and a half. I'm reaching out for advice on how to support him with his depression and his tendency to watch porn frequently. Does porn truly impact a guy's sex life? He is currently struggling with depression and takes a lot of medication, which affects his libido. I understand this and try to be patient, but I have a high sex drive and often feel horny. Recently, our sex life has declined, which is starting to affect my self-esteem. While I know his depression plays a role in his lack of interest, it's disheartening when I initiate intimacy and he tells me he’s not in the mood. However, I notice he frequently watches porn. I’ve expressed how this makes me feel, and suggested he might consider limiting his porn consumption, perhaps waiting to initiate intimacy until I’m home or not working. He insists that porn doesn’t impact his desire for me and that the two aren’t connected. Don’t get me wrong—if he wants to watch porn, that's fine, but it hurts my feelings that he chooses it over being intimate with me. I’ve found myself pointing out that when he does engage in self-pleasure, he seems uninterested later in the evening when I try to initiate intimacy. When I ask him whether he has masturbated, he often lies about it, which makes me feel like I'm losing my mind and leads me to accuse him of dishonesty. I've even resorted to checking the trash for evidence—something I’m not proud of, but his lies are driving me to question my own sanity. One night, after flirting with him throughout the day, I came home and tried to be intimate again, but once more he said he wasn't in the mood. When I asked if he had masturbated, he replied, "No, but whatever I say, you won’t believe me." Shortly after, I found a used tissue in the trash, which led me to inspect it further just to reassure myself that I wasn’t imagining things. The next morning, I messaged him about how upset I was for feeling lied to. When I brought it up when I got home, we argued. I confronted him about the tissue, and he denied ever seeing it, leaving me feeling confused and questioning whether I was imagining it. He suggested I was overthinking things. We recently had a conversation where I expressed my feelings of inadequacy, believing I couldn’t satisfy him. He reassured me of his attraction to me and his love, admitting that while he struggles with a porn addiction, it doesn’t affect how he feels about me. He emphasized that I always turn him on. Thanks for taking the time to read my situation. I appreciate any advice you might have!

In a caring relationship with an asexual partner, I'm experiencing a growing sense of apathy.

I’m [21], and she’s [20]. We’ve been together for about a month. I’m feeling really down about some recent developments. I’m in a relationship with a girl who was my best friend for years, and she recently shared that she identifies as asexual. Initially, I thought it wouldn’t be an issue since I truly love her. However, after discussing it again a few days ago, I’m feeling incredibly uncertain about whether I can really handle a non-sexual relationship. I genuinely want to make it work, but I’ve been feeling so apathetic about everything. It’s as if a part of me wants to shut down to avoid getting hurt, and I can’t shake the feeling that everything is on the verge of falling apart. What should I do? We’ve talked things through and are trying to figure it out, but this sense of apathy is consuming me. I don’t want to become distant or unaffectionate just because my mind is trying to cope. I'm not someone who thinks in the short term—I worry about the future. Can I see myself being okay with this in 5 years? 3 years? 1 year? It’s making me feel so miserable.

How to gain certainty

I've been in a long-distance relationship with my partner for four years now. He’s living with friends about two and a half hours away, while I’m at home with my parents. I struggle with severe mental health issues and autism, which has affected my sex drive lately—I find myself lacking interest, while he seems to want it more than I can handle. When he visits, he tends to be quite insistent about sex, despite me communicating my struggles. This pressure creates a lot of anxiety around sexual activity, and we often end up fighting instead of enjoying our time together. I truly love him, but it feels like we’re both wanting aspects of each other that aren't attainable. I’m at a crossroads, uncertain whether this relationship is what I truly want or if I’m genuinely happy. I enjoy our time together when he’s not bringing up sex, but that happiness quickly turns into conflict. I’m dreading the thought of breaking up, yet I feel so confused. How do I determine the right path forward?

My girlfriend is really testing my patience! There's a lack of respect and intimacy.

Hi everyone, Over the past year, my girlfriend (25F) and I (27M) have barely been intimate. It all began with her dealing with family stress, then work-related pressures, and eventually our relationship dynamic deteriorated. It’s been frustrating for me as well, especially since our romance has taken a backseat. Recently, we've entered into a long-distance situation, and when I visited her after four weeks apart, she explained that her focus needs to be on her new job and her life in her town, stating she's just not in the mood for intimacy. During my visit, I found myself feeling increasingly rejected. She pulled away from kisses, declined my attempts to be close, and never initiated any affection. Eventually, I expressed to her that I felt needy and desperate, and that it wasn’t fair for me to keep putting myself out there if she wasn’t willing to engage. Her response was that she had already decided the long-distance aspect wouldn't work for us, emphasizing that I shouldn’t expect sex or intimacy, as everything was new to her and she had other priorities. The following day, while out with friends, I overheard someone I didn't know asking her if we were really together. A mutual friend joked about their chemistry, and the guy replied, "That's why I had to ask!" After dinner, my friend let her know he would text me later to arrange another meetup, and she actually asked him about it multiple times throughout the night. I don’t typically feel jealous, but it really upset me that she seemed more interested in him than focusing on us during my visit. Right now, I feel like such a failure. I’m tall, fit, have solid social skills, and a good career, attracting attention from other women, but nothing seems to matter when it comes to the one I truly care about, and it’s really taking a toll on me. It feels like I have to maintain this enormous facade to manage all the drama, rejection, stress, and coldness. The moment I show any vulnerability, it seems she loses respect for me and intimacy disappears for weeks or even months. Women of Reddit, what would lead you to behave this way towards a guy? Men of Reddit who've faced a similar situation — how did you cope?