Relationship advices: Infidelity

How can I, a 37-year-old woman, encourage my partner, a 45-year-old man, with whom I've been together for 15 years, to consider trying therapy?

I’m a 37-year-old female who has been in a long-term relationship with a 45-year-old male for 15 years. We’ve lived together for 13 of those years. Our relationship was strong until around 2017/2018 when I had an affair. I fully acknowledge that what I did was wrong; I regret not ending the relationship or refraining from the affair altogether, but I can’t change my past decisions. Now, over six years later, I realize that he still hasn’t truly forgiven me. While I understand he can’t forget what happened, I don’t believe we can have a healthy relationship if it continues to resurface and he can’t let it go. I’ve suggested individual therapy for him and couples therapy for us, and I’ve been working on myself through my own therapy for several years. This journey has helped me identify aspects of our relationship that I’m unhappy with, and I’ve tried discussing these with him. However, whenever I express my needs or stand up for myself, he accuses me of being a bully. On the other hand, when I disengage from the conversation because I feel sad, tired, or just want to avoid conflict, he sees me as playing the martyr. I’ve also expressed my desire to move to a different state, where my family lives, as I feel isolated here with only a few friends and no family nearby. I want to be closer to my dad and to experience my nephew’s upbringing. When I mention this, he interprets it as me trying to pressure him since I’m willing to go regardless of whether he joins me. My intention is to give him the choice about moving. Though we aren’t legally married, we do share a home, which means that if we decide to part ways, some logistics would need to be addressed together. I wish he would understand that individual or couples therapy could really help us navigate this situation. He seems to think I’m pushing him into something uncomfortable because he believes “men don’t talk about their feelings.” To clarify, he’s never been abusive, but I do perceive a passive-aggressive tendency toward my needs. I also sense that he knows how to steer conversations in a way that avoids him looking bad. I’m reaching a breaking point, but I’m not ready to leave because I still love him. **Just to emphasize, I don’t need him financially; I have a solid job. In summary, how can I encourage my partner of 15 years to consider therapy?

My girlfriend was unfaithful, and I'm unsure about how to handle the situation.

I'm a 22-year-old guy, and it’s been a couple of months since I discovered something troubling. I initially found out that my girlfriend, who is 20, was approached by an older guy while I was at work. He asked her out, framing it as a casual lunch among friends. Naturally, I confronted her about it, and because she never agreed to the date, I decided to let it slide, but I remained vigilant. The next day, I checked her phone and found over 200 deleted text messages from this guy. Many of the messages were him flirting with her, and she seemed hesitant, but there were a few instances where she appeared interested, even mentioning, “I’ll leave him soon.” Other times, though, she insisted, “We don’t talk like that.” Before all of this, she had a significant drinking problem, which I had addressed multiple times. Remarkably, she hasn't touched alcohol for three months since I last confronted her. When I found out about the texts, I pressed her for answers. Initially, she claimed she was talking to him because I wasn’t giving her enough attention and insisted, “I don’t care about him, I want you.” When I asked her what had transpired, she described him as a nuisance who wouldn't leave her alone, so she said what he wanted to hear just to get him off her back. However, I was still skeptical, as some of her messages didn’t seem entirely one-sided. After weeks of talking about it, she finally admitted that she had gotten drunk one night and couldn’t remember what happened. She claimed he told her they had sex the next day, but she had no recollection. I know it takes a lot to get to that point, but just to clarify, she’s generally not the type to frequently go out. This man lived next door, and I had grown accustomed to her socializing outside while drinking with friends. She mentioned she went over to pet his cat and then forgot everything until she returned home wanting to shower. I don’t know if that’s a typical response for a hangover. Is it possible to lose only an hour of memory, or does that seem like a blatant lie? Doesn’t it feel a bit too convenient to lose the memory of the moment that could jeopardize our relationship? Given that she has stopped drinking, could that be a sign that she might still be a faithful partner? Has anyone experienced a situation where their partner cheated but still managed to rebuild trust in the relationship? I understand that I might not get clear answers to all my questions, but I felt the need to share my thoughts.

I discovered that my girlfriend (19F) was unfaithful.

Today, she was taking a nap, so I took the opportunity to use her phone to watch some YouTube. While I was on it, her friend sent her a text, and I opened it to reply. After that, I noticed she was chatting with someone else and had turned off notifications for that conversation. Curious, I clicked on it and discovered she was sharing intimate photos and videos of us together. I haven't brought it up with her yet. Any advice?

I discovered that my girlfriend, who is 21, was cheating on me with my roommate, who is 22.

I'm in a tough spot and really need some advice. This morning, I discovered some explicit messages between my roommate and my girlfriend. I've been with my girlfriend for three years and my roommate for two. For the last four to five months, I've been feeling uneasy about how much time she spends with him. She frequently cancels our plans, there's been poor communication when they hang out, and she often gets physically close to him—like sitting right next to him and sharing a blanket. I've expressed my feelings about this to her and admitted that it makes me question if something more might be happening between them. This sparked a prolonged argument that's been going on for the past week or two. Her response has been that it's my fault for not being supportive. To add some context, I lost a longtime friend to suicide last February, and since then I've been working on my emotional well-being. I've been committed to addressing her concerns, making an effort to improve, and establishing a solid plan through therapy and pushing myself outside my comfort zone. However, when I raise my own issues, she says she'll work on them but doesn't follow through. When I found those explicit messages this morning, I confronted her about it. She expressed remorse but insisted that they’ve only kissed once recently. I struggle to believe her given our situation. I've told her that I need some space, and I haven’t spoken to my roommate yet. I'm unsure how to process all of this. I'm caught between the fear of losing two important relationships in my life and the pain that makes me feel like I never want to speak to them again.

I was unfaithfully treated in my marriage and then held responsible for it.

Hello everyone, I’m going to try to avoid focusing too much on the negatives, as I've already dedicated a significant amount of time to processing what’s happened. I’m a 24-year-old Muslim woman who entered into an arranged marriage with a 28-year-old man two years ago. Despite the nature of our marriage, I fell for him the moment I laid eyes on him on our wedding day. After we married, I relocated to his country and moved in with his family. I made substantial efforts to adapt to a new culture, language, and way of life. Although it was challenging, my love for him motivated me to persevere and make our marriage work. Initially, he was very kind, but as time passed, he became emotionally distant, and I sensed him pulling away. During this period, I tried my hardest to salvage our relationship, but it often felt like I was the only one making an effort. I had hoped we would move out this year, as I had expressed my discomfort in living with his family. Despite my attempts to win her over, his mother never seemed to accept me. I was transparent about my struggles—navigating a new country, integrating into a new family, and dealing with my depression. I communicated that it was my first year and I simply needed time to adjust. I truly believed that once we moved out, I would feel better, and we could begin our lives together. Living in that environment was incredibly tough. I often felt miserable and found myself crying frequently, but I persevered. During this time, I earned my master’s degree, secured a job, and dedicated myself to working hard. On weekends, I took on various household responsibilities, including cooking and cleaning. Although it was challenging, I did my best. After a year, I unexpectedly learned that he had been unfaithful. He had downloaded a dating app, met someone else, and vented to her about me being "too emotional.” To make matters worse, his affair partner knew he was married yet continued the relationship. She presents herself as very devout, which I find highly hypocritical. Upon discovering the truth, he pressured me to delete evidence, but I confronted his parents first to ensure they heard my side of the story. To my astonishment, instead of holding him accountable, his parents blamed me. They claimed, “You don’t make coffee for my son, and that’s why this happened.” It was utterly ridiculous. Soon after, my husband and his mother compiled a long list of grievances against me, even involving my parents in their complaints, accusing me of being lazy and resentful toward his mother. Many of their allegations were exaggerated or outright distorted. For instance, while I did express my frustrations about his mother privately, they misrepresented it as if I constantly criticized her. He also used my desire to move out against me, portraying me as unreasonable for wanting that so early in our marriage. Regarding their accusation of laziness, I admit I felt overwhelmed at times trying to balance work, studying, and living in a tense household. Still, I worked hard on weekends to avoid these kinds of accusations. My parents were frustrated as well, questioning why these issues weren’t brought up earlier instead of being used to justify his infidelity. Now, I’m back with my parents, distanced from them all. My husband and his family have gone quiet. I’ve chosen not to initiate contact because any discussions with him lead to gaslighting, shame, and projection. He accuses me of betraying his family by leaving, while ignoring the fact that he betrayed me. I haven't received a single apology; instead, he continually asks what I can do to fix our relationship. After everything, I feel exhausted. It’s bewildering to read his messages, where I’m constantly criticized for not being a good wife, despite the fact that he cheated on me for a month. I acknowledge my imperfections, but I believe those are issues that should be addressed within a relationship. Instead of dealing with our problems, he chose to cheat. Currently, things are stagnant; we’re both just at a standstill. I recognize I’ve vented a lot here, but it was necessary for me to express my feelings. What’s most important is that I wish to focus on healing and improving myself. If anyone has advice on how I can move forward, I would greatly appreciate it.

I'm uncertain whether I should simply accept my losses.

I'm 24, and my wife is 23. After five years of marriage, we find ourselves at a turning point. My time in the military has changed me, leaving me feeling like a shadow of my former self. I know I've made mistakes, and she’s expressed that her needs haven’t been met. I’ve made numerous attempts to become the partner she needs, but my struggles with depression and a demanding 60-hour work week have always gotten in the way. Recently, she found someone else who seems to fulfill her needs. Two weeks ago, she suggested the idea of an open marriage with this new person, assuring me that I would remain her primary partner since we’re married. She claimed that she has always felt polyamorous but had suppressed those feelings for a long time. She insisted that her request wasn't due to my shortcomings, and I wanted to believe her. Out of fear of losing her, I reluctantly agreed, but it has been haunting me ever since. Yesterday, overwhelmed by my insecurities, I reversed my decision about the open relationship. In response, she revealed the truth: she sought someone else to meet her needs because she felt she had no other choice. Now, she’s given me one last chance to improve myself. However, her feelings for this other person have grown during the time I initially agreed to the arrangement, making it difficult for her to reconsider leaving him. I now have two months to work on my issues and transform into the person she needs while also coming to terms with her seeing someone else. I believe that through therapy and self-reflection, there’s a possibility I can accept the situation and make positive changes. Yet, I’m terrified that she hasn’t fully decided whether she wants to give me another chance, and I fear the damage may already be too significant for her to love me the same way again. There’s a real possibility she might end up preferring this other person and choose to leave me altogether. She promised to give me an answer soon, but I’m left feeling lost about what to do next.

Tips for Healthy Relationships

My husband (44M) and I (36F) have been married for five years. Recently, I discovered that he had been messaging girls on a website offering sexual services. He underwent a formal polygraph test conducted by an administrator with over 20 years of experience, which confirmed that he has not had any physical contact with other women since we've been together. It also indicated that, aside from the incident in question, there has been no other interaction with women through messages or similar means. He has agreed to refrain from using his computer privately and to delete his social media accounts. Additionally, he is seeking individual counseling, and we will soon begin marriage counseling together. He feels deeply remorseful and has been quite depressed over the past year. I genuinely believe he made a mistake that is completely out of character for him. I want to forgive him and work on keeping our family intact. He’s my friend, and I still enjoy spending time with him, but the loss of trust is really painful. Has anyone out there successfully navigated staying together after experiencing something like this?

My boyfriend was unfaithful to his ex with me.

Hi, I'm a 26-year-old woman, and my boyfriend is 28. We've been together for five years and have been living together for four. We're even planning to get married and start a family soon. When I first met him, he had a bit of a "bad boy" reputation and received a lot of messages from other girls. I asked him if he was seeing anyone besides me, and he assured me he wasn't. My friends advised me not to worry too much about his interactions with other girls since we weren't officially in a relationship at that point, suggesting I should only care if he had a girlfriend. He claimed he didn't have one, so we continued seeing each other casually for a few months. Eventually, he opened up about wanting a caring girlfriend and expressed that he wouldn't need anyone else or even friends. After three months of casual dating, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I happily accepted. A few days later, I overheard his friends jokingly ask him if he had broken up with his girlfriend. He laughed it off and said he would call them later. When I questioned him about it, he dismissed it as just a joke, and after meeting his friend, who confirmed his odd sense of humor, I didn't think much of it. Fast forward five years, we reminisced about how we first met and shared some funny memories. I decided to bring up that friend's comment again, and to my shock, he told me that it had been bothering him for years, and he was finally ready to tell me the truth. He revealed that he had a girlfriend the entire time we were seeing each other, even while we were intimate. I was devastated; it felt like a betrayal. He assured me he never cheated on me, spending time at the gym or out for coffee with friends, which were rare. He explained that his previous relationship was very toxic, and he wanted someone who cared for him, but he was too afraid to end it. He claimed they broke up just three days before we started dating, and during that time, he received constant calls and messages from her, which he dismissed as work-related. He said he stopped being intimate with her when he met me, but I'm struggling to believe that. I feel like my entire life has been a deception, and it's hard to accept that I was a second choice. TL;DR: I just found out that my boyfriend had a girlfriend while we were together, and it's shattered me.

Partner of 11 years had an affair with a colleague.

Hey Reddit, The title really sums up my feelings, and I’m not quite sure what I expect to gain from sharing this, but I need to vent and would appreciate any words of encouragement from those who have been in a similar situation. I’m a 29-year-old guy, and my girlfriend is 28. We’ve been together since high school—our first love and our first everything. I’ve poured my heart into this relationship, and she’s mostly done the same for me. However, things have taken a turn in the past few months. She started expressing doubts, which hit me hard. I genuinely believed we would be together forever; we have a home, pets, and our families get along wonderfully. Lately, she’s been very cold and distant, even more so in the past week. I had a nagging feeling that something was off. I suspected she had been out late, claiming to be at a friend’s house, but my instincts told me otherwise. So, I looked through her phone and discovered that she had lied to me and spent the night at a colleague's place. Right now, I feel like I'm living a nightmare. I’m sad, angry, confused, and mostly just defeated. I want nothing more than to forgive her and pretend this never happened. She is clearly feeling the weight of her actions—she’s a mess, overwhelmed with shame and self-loathing. I know the common advice is to walk away, and I understand that may be what’s best. But 11 years is a long time; it feels impossible to just throw that away. She’s never done anything like this before, and while I know I shouldn’t excuse her behavior, part of me gets how she could be caught up in the excitement of it. So, where do I go from here? I have good friends, and I’m fairly intelligent and not bad-looking, so I know I have the potential to move on. But right now, all I want to do is curl up and disappear. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Kindly treat me with kindness.

F(30) m(29) I need some advice. I've been in a relationship with this person for several years. He cheated on me once, we reconciled, then he left me during a holiday. Eleven months later we got back together, but he cheated again and returned afterward. Things have been okay, but for the past month, we’ve been arguing non-stop. For context, I recently started a new job, and one of the people he cheated with is a colleague of his. I’ve struggled to move past that because he promised he stopped communicating with her, but I recently found a text exchange where he was still being friendly with her. Although it's been a few months since that incident, I still can't fully trust him; he often hides his phone. He mostly takes pictures of just our child or just him and our child, excluding me from a lot of moments. He also tends to place blame on me, and I feel so lost. This is my first serious relationship and my first heartbreak—any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Could I please have some advice?

I’m seeking some advice. I recently ended my relationship with the father of my children after a tumultuous four years filled with ups and downs. Our issues stem from his ongoing use of pornography, adding women on Facebook and Instagram, and actively searching for other females nearby, including subscribing to their OnlyFans accounts. I also discovered that he has been spending significant amounts of money on cam sites while I’m at home with the kids. What’s troubling me is something I found while using his work laptop—a device where I came across email receipts for live webcam sessions. I noticed he had searched for "dark web" in his recent Google activity. While my knowledge on the dark web is limited, I understand that it's associated with illicit content, including pornography and drugs. It appears difficult to access and requires special downloads. Although there’s no proof he actually visited those sites—his browsing history was cleared except for the search terms—I can’t help but worry, especially given his deep-seated porn addiction. I typically wouldn’t go to the police unless there was a clear indication of someone being harmed, and right now I have no solid evidence—just a mounting concern. When I brought it up after our breakup, he brushed it off and made me feel ridiculous for even mentioning it. I’m looking for guidance on how I might investigate this further without tangible proof. He primarily uses his phone, which I can’t access, and he also has a VPN installed. I truly dread the thought of making unfounded accusations, but this keeps weighing on my mind, especially now that we live separately and I have no access to his devices. I’m a 29-year-old female, and he’s 28. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hidden internet

I'm seeking some advice. I recently ended my relationship with the father of my children after four on-and-off years. Throughout our time together, we've faced several issues, including his persistent pornography use, adding other women on social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat, and paying for local girls’ OnlyFans accounts. I discovered that he has been spending hundreds of pounds on sex cam websites while I’ve been home with our kids. My biggest concern, however, is something that keeps troubling me. While I was looking through his work laptop, I found email receipts for live webcam sessions, but I also noticed a recent Google search for the "dark web." I don’t know much about it, but after some research, I learned that it can involve disturbing content like illegal pornography and drugs. It seems complicated to access and requires downloading specific software. However, I don’t have any evidence that he actually explored this, as his browser history was deleted, leaving only his recent searches. Given his significant pornography addiction, I can't shake the feeling that the worst is possible. I'm not inclined to involve the police unless I have clear evidence of someone being harmed, but I keep hoping I'm mistaken. I mentioned my concerns to him during our breakup, and he dismissed them, calling me ridiculous. Is there any way I can have someone look into this without concrete evidence? He primarily uses his phone, which I can't access, and he also has a VPN installed. I really don't want to falsely accuse anyone, but the thought continues to linger in my mind, and since we no longer live together, I have no way to investigate further.

How should I view this?

Hi there! Even after three years, I'm still uncertain about how to feel regarding something my girlfriend did. I'm a 23-year-old male, and she is 20. Here's the background: When we had been dating for four months—she was 17 and I was 19—she attended a birthday party with her close female friends. Near the end of the party, they decided to play a game where they kissed each other. Although my girlfriend initially declined to participate, she eventually gave in due to her friends' persistence and the alcohol she had consumed. She ended up kissing one of her friends, whom I’ll refer to as "X" (she's female, and I should note that my girlfriend is heterosexual). The kiss lasted only a couple of seconds, was not passionate, and immediately afterward, my girlfriend felt awful, burst into tears, and reached out to tell me everything through chat. I reacted very poorly at first because, even though it was just a game, I viewed it as infidelity. I felt angry and sought explanations, especially since "X" often joked about finding my girlfriend attractive. My girlfriend defended herself by claiming she was drunk and succumbed to the pressure from her friends. Over time, I managed to move past it, and we gradually rebuilt our trust. She has since reduced her contact with those friends, and we've been together for three and a half years. Our relationship is now quite strong and stable. Still, I occasionally reflect on that incident, as it deeply affected me, and I never fully processed it at the time. I often question whether forgiving her was the right choice or if her reasons were merely excuses. The fact that I still feel unsettled by her occasional communication with those friends—especially since they insisted on the kiss despite knowing she was in a relationship—proves that I haven't completely reconciled this in my mind. Could this have simply been a matter of inexperience? (We’re each other's first serious relationship.) Was it justified for me to forgive her? How can I express my lingering discomfort about her staying in contact with those friends, especially since we haven't revisited this topic in three years?