Relationship advices: Infidelity

I (35F) recently discovered that my boyfriend (39M) has been chatting with and receiving pictures from his ex every day throughout our relationship. Are there any alternatives to breaking up?

**Summary:** My boyfriend insisted he was different from my ex, who would get overly attached and text female colleagues. He got upset whenever my ex was mentioned, but it turns out he’s been secretly texting his ex daily. Can we work through this, or is breaking up the only option? We met on Hinge in October and immediately clicked, moving in together by November. He emphasized how crucial it is for partners to maintain appropriate boundaries with the opposite sex. He compared himself to my ex, who had been too emotionally involved with female colleagues, assuring me he was an open book. We made a point of discussing the importance of transparency in our relationship, with him regularly expressing disdain for hypocrisy and lack of respect. However, he has become upset at the sight of messages from my male friends, even though they were harmless. He also reacted strongly to notifications about memories involving my ex, suggesting I should turn those off. This context makes what I discovered yesterday all the more painful. Despite everything he said, he has been texting his ex—whom he claimed to have broken up with five months ago—almost daily while we’ve been together. They discuss her life, and he expresses pride in her accomplishments. His ex has been fixated on him, trying to win him back, and has even sent him explicit photos. Although he reportedly avoided giving in to her advances, he never mentioned me to her. I only found out due to his unusual behavior, which prompted me to directly ask if he was talking to other women. It turns out his ex had recently found out about me, confronting him before he blocked her after their argument. He claimed he was only messaging her out of concern for her mental health, insisting she’s unstable. When I pushed back on that excuse, he admitted he was looking for validation as he feels insecure about our relationship. He acknowledged he messed up and expressed a desire to earn my trust back, even though he understands it might not be possible. I’m in shock and feel betrayed. His behavior contradicts everything he preached about fidelity and respect. I like him, but I can't overlook this breach of trust and I’m uncertain how I can ever feel secure with him again. While he hasn’t engaged in anything explicitly inappropriate, the situation has left me feeling blindsided and foolish. Can we rebuild from this, or is breaking up the only path forward?

I just met my girlfriend's boyfriend.

I'm a 34-year-old man, and I recently met my girlfriend's boyfriend, who is 24. Here’s the situation: my girlfriend graduated from college today. Yes, there is an age difference between us, but we’ve talked about it, and she’s comfortable with it. We were introduced by a mutual friend who is 26. A little background: I've done a lot of work on myself regarding childhood trauma, relationships, and trust issues stemming from my upbringing in group and foster homes. As a result, I’ve focused heavily on communication in our relationship, which we sometimes struggled with. She had mentioned that her friends and family were in town for her big day and that they would help her move out of her apartment. Since her graduation was a ticketed event, I couldn’t attend, and we had agreed that I might not see her while her family was visiting. I didn’t consider this a red flag, as I’ve worked hard to not impose my past trust issues onto her. I wanted to surprise her with flowers, so I called her to let her know, but there was no answer. Thinking she would be at her celebration, I decided to drop off the bouquet anyway. When I arrived, I was surprised to see lights on and people around her apartment. Dressed up and holding the flowers, I knocked, and a guy opened the door, looking perplexed. I asked if my girlfriend was there, and he went to get her. When she came out, she looked extremely displeased, almost as if she had seen a ghost. I was confused because I thought she would appreciate the flowers, especially since I had helped her pick out a nice dress for the occasion. We exchanged words, and she was upset that I had shown up unannounced, while I was simply trying to be a supportive boyfriend. We agreed to discuss it later. As I was leaving, the guy who opened the door and I ran into each other. He revealed that he was her boyfriend, and I introduced myself as her boyfriend as well. Both of us were shocked. He asked when we had last been intimate, and I told him it was just two days ago, right before he arrived for her graduation. We exchanged numbers and agreed to sort everything out later. TLDR: My girlfriend has a boyfriend from her hometown, while I’m her boyfriend in the city where she currently lives, and we accidentally crossed paths in front of her family. Now, I’m unsure of how to proceed. Should I seek closure, or should I confront her? I really like this girl—it felt like a love-at-first-sight connection. Initially, I attributed some communication gaps to my own insecurities from past problematic relationships. I feel bad for the guy, as he was completely unaware of my existence. They were supposed to spend a long weekend in the mountains together, which she had originally described as a "friends trip." We had discussed the challenges of long-distance relationships and made plans to see each other once a month, as well as move together to a new city in six months. However, I’m at a loss. The guy and I have talked briefly, but she hasn’t responded to my messages. He did mention that she admitted to him that I exist. I'm frustrated, especially since she shared her past trauma and trust issues with men. I’ve genuinely tried to meet her halfway and help her overcome her beliefs about men, only to find myself in this situation. It’s disheartening. 😫🤦🏽‍♂️

Am I about to lose the love of my life?

I’m a 34-year-old woman seeking advice or maybe a reality check. My partner, a 33-year-old man, and I have been in a relationship for three months, but we've worked together for the past two years. We were friends before, both married, so we never crossed any boundaries. Earlier this year, we both ended up separated from our spouses and grew closer while sharing our experiences. It started off with just casual texting, but it escalated quickly, and we became quite serious before we even realized it. I tend to fall hard and fast, but this feels completely different. I've never experienced such deep mutual love, understanding, or chemistry with anyone else, and he claims to feel the same. Currently, we are both separated. My situation is progressing to divorce, which will be finalized in January. I have a 14-year-old daughter with my ex-husband, and though things were rocky at first, we've established a peaceful custody agreement. My partner's relationship with his spouse has always been tumultuous, with reports of verbal and emotional abuse. They have two children, ages 6 and 5, and over the years, his wife has used the kids to manipulate him. This past summer, she took the kids to her hometown without informing him, and he feels threatened that she might permanently relocate with them. Recently, there seemed to be a truce where he was allowed more time with the kids, which was not the case at first. I have urged him numerous times to utilize our company’s Employee Assistance Program for legal advice, but he hasn’t taken that step. Recently, he called me in tears, expressing his desire to do what’s right for his kids and to provide them with a life he never had. He insists on giving his marriage one more shot for their sake. This has left me heartbroken, and he seems to be struggling too. This isn't the first time such concerns have surfaced; it happened around Thanksgiving, but nothing changed then. Now, he’s talking about moving back in with his wife after Christmas. Although I can’t share every detail without this becoming overwhelmingly long, there’s one more important aspect: I had an affair earlier this year, which he strongly disliked. I initially kept it from him but admitted it a few weeks into our relationship because I wanted to be honest. He has repeatedly expressed how much this bothers him and how it makes him feel like a rebound or merely “next in line.” I’ve done everything possible to reassure him that it was a mistake I deeply regret. I was with that other person for a short period, but it ended well before my partner and I got together. I’m not sure why he’s still so affected by it, especially since I’ve emphasized that it’s in the past. He has brought it up several times, and I can't help but wonder if he’s using it as an excuse to justify pursuing his wife again. I’ve told him I would love and care for his kids as if they were my own and that I would always be respectful towards their mother. He feels conflicted, torn between his responsibilities as a father and his feelings for me. He feels empty without one or the other and struggles to see a way to have both. He’s worried his wife might leave with the kids for good this time. My heart is shattered; I’ve never loved anyone like this before, even after a 15-year marriage. It feels profound, on a soul level, and he says he feels the same way. I can see the pain he’s in, but I’m unsure of how to move forward.

Discovered videos of camgirls on my boyfriend's phone.

So, I (26F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (29M) for nine years. This year, we faced some challenges, and I was convinced we were heading towards a breakup. However, after having some deep conversations, we managed to improve our relationship. This morning, I felt an unsettling instinct and decided to look through his phone. To my dismay, I discovered several videos of camgirls in his gallery, a new Snapchat account where he follows a few NSFW profiles, and a Fansly account. In the early days of our relationship, he had subscribed to camgirls, and I made it clear that I considered that cheating since it felt more personal and involved him paying to watch them. He deleted his account back then, assuring me he wouldn't do it again. I genuinely thought he had stopped until now. I don’t know if he paid for all the videos in his gallery or if he accessed them for free, but I feel incredibly hurt and disgusted. I haven’t talked to him about it yet, as I had to leave this morning, but I’m at a loss for how to approach this when I return home. I took photos of what I found and plan to send them to him to show that I'm aware of what’s been happening. However, I’m torn between ending the relationship and expressing how much this has affected me, hoping he will change. I feel like my trust has been shattered again, and I know the insecurity will linger, making me feel compelled to check his phone like I did the first time.

M24 continues to deceive me, F20.

I'm feeling really lost right now, so let me provide some context. My boyfriend and I started dating in July 2023 after meeting on Tinder. Our first date went wonderfully, and by our second date, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes, not realizing I was rushing into things without fully getting to know him. Two months into our relationship, I moved in with him, and we needed to find a new roommate. He announced on Snapchat that we were looking for someone, and a girl responded, claiming to be a “mutual friend from high school.” I took him at his word, and we started discussing her move-in date. However, I started to get an uneasy feeling about the whole situation. One day, he left his Apple Watch behind, and I heard it go off. Out of curiosity, I checked his messages and found her being overly friendly. She even mentioned swinging by his family’s house to grab some things, which confused me because he had told me they didn’t know each other well (can you see where this is heading?). When I confronted him about it, he gave me a weak excuse, and unfortunately, I believed him. As time passed, I had this nagging feeling that something was off, so I looked through his phone and found a message from him asking her why she had texted him on Instagram, to which she replied she was bored. I searched for their communication on Instagram and initially found nothing, but then discovered he had a secret account where he was messaging his ex. I was furious to find out he had been trying to get his ex to move in with us. We argued intensely, and I told him he needed to block her or I would leave. He reluctantly complied but then played this ridiculous game of unblocking her at work and blocking her again when he got home. This has been dragging on for months, and I’m feeling exhausted and unhappy. He's planning to change his number in January, but I’m not sure if I can ever fully trust him again. Today, she called him eight times, and they talked for around three hours. I’m beginning to doubt whether we can work it out, but I don’t know how to express that to him. He keeps saying I can leave if I want to, but it doesn’t feel that simple. My family might let me move back home, but I feel guilty about being a burden since money is tight for them and I wouldn’t even have a room. I want things to work out, but sometimes it feels like I’m talking to a child; he just doesn’t seem to grasp how I feel. If anyone has advice or could offer some validation, I’m really desperate for answers. It feels crazy to think he isn't considering how all of this affects me.

Could you please tell me what's wrong with me?

The title poses a rhetorical question, and honestly, I feel like the biggest idiot sandwich ever. I’m a 21-year-old woman dating a wonderful 22-year-old man who has been the best thing in my life lately. Despite this, my life has a pretty dark past. My last three boyfriends cheated on me consecutively, and I stayed with them each time, only to be hurt again. One of my exes even cheated on my birthday, using the money I gave him for our electric bill to go to a strip club. My most recent breakup was about six months ago. Things went downhill when I refused to move in with him because I believed I shouldn’t have to relocate for someone to be loyal. We argued over minor issues that, in hindsight, were completely irrelevant. Ironically, we broke up on the very day I was supposed to move in with him. Nevertheless, we parted on good terms, promising to stay friends. We’ve known each other since elementary school and share a group of friends. Since then, I haven't truly healed. I thought I was doing okay, managing to push thoughts of my ex out of my mind by reminding myself of who he really was and how he made me feel—repeatedly. When I first met my current boyfriend, I was not looking for a new romance. I signed up for Tinder just out of boredom. We matched, he messaged me, and though I almost didn’t reply, his opening line was too amusing to ignore. I shared my Snapchat with him, and after a few days of chatting, I forgot about him. My demanding job as a handyman occasionally involves working 24-hour shifts with no sleep and tight deadlines. One night, I saw he had sent me multiple snaps, so I suggested we switch to texting. After that, we met up about a week later and instantly clicked. Fast forward to two months ago, I discovered I was pregnant. After much heartbreak, my boyfriend and I made the incredibly tough decision not to continue with the pregnancy. Since then, I haven’t been myself. He’s been there for me through every appointment, holding my hand while I faced the worst moments and caring for me when I was overwhelmed. I’d like to mention my ex again. Even after everything, I maintained a friendship with him because we have mutual friends and can’t avoid seeing each other. Recently, after he celebrated his birthday, I asked my boyfriend if it was okay for me to attend a party hosted by my ex. He surprisingly said yes, so I went. I brought some vodka, although I don’t typically drink much. The party was small, and I felt pretty comfortable, greeting my ex's mom with a hug. My ex hugged me, too, but it didn’t feel significant. We started chatting, and his mom encouraged me to take a shot with her. I have a limit of three drinks because I’m a lightweight. I had one shot but felt fine until another friend’s dad offered me a shot—he poured it directly into my mouth without a glass, and it was definitely a double. Soon after, my ex noticed I was struggling to stand and pulled me into another room for a chat. I kept the door open, trying to be cautious. He expressed gratitude for my presence and mentioned that it meant a lot to him. I asked about his new girlfriend, who he said couldn't attend. Out of nowhere, he offered me water, but I shrugged it off and asked for another shot instead. As I went to grab my drink, he pulled me back and kissed me. I was too shocked to respond. To clarify, I don’t drive at all—I'm not responsible enough for it. I was waiting for a family member to pick me up after their shift. In a panic, I broke away from him and ran to the bathroom to collect my thoughts, only to find him waiting with another shot outside afterward. In my anxiety, I took it, attempting to escape by stepping out for a cigarette, even though I don’t usually smoke. It calmed my nerves but left me feeling guilty for putting myself in that situation. When I went back inside, I found my ex again, and a moment of comfort led to me crying uncontrollably as he consoled me, wiping my tears away and encouraging me to breathe. Even though I hadn't mentioned my recent abortion to him, I couldn’t hold back my tears as memories flooded back. Despite the pain he caused me in the past, I felt a sense of security in his arms that I don’t experience with my current boyfriend. I found solace in a moment of weakness and gave in to a kiss from my ex. Instantly regretting it, I jumped up, dressed, and fled outside without shoes or a jacket. It was freezing, and I sat in a bush, sobbing until I felt ready to return. When I finally went back inside, I took another shot, feeling a strong urge to escape from my situation. My current boyfriend treats me incredibly well, but I struggle with self-worth, convinced I don't deserve him. It’s been four days since that night, and I haven’t talked much with him, but he knows something’s off. I plan to tell him face-to-face about what happened, but I’m terrified. Having endured betrayals myself, I never imagined inflicting such pain on someone else. I understand how selfish it is not to give someone the choice to forgive. Withholding this truth for three days weighs heavily on me, and I fear the hurt it will cause him. I aim to deliver my confession in person, but I'm unsure how to articulate it. I’ve realized I’ve become someone I despised—a cheater. I’m writing this to urge anyone reading not to make the same mistakes I did. Once betrayal occurs, it’s best to walk away immediately. I feel a heavy burden to bear, and if my boyfriend chooses to leave me, that’s something I'll have to accept. I intend to work on myself and grow from this experience. I truly hope I still have the chance for redemption.

Reposting: I found my husband's Craigslist listing.

I, a 35-year-old woman, recently went through my husband's phone. We've been together for eight years and married for four. Initially, we were long distance, and I always believed we had a strong relationship. I viewed him as my soulmate, and he has consistently treated me like royalty. A couple of weeks ago, while playing around with his old phone, my curiosity got the better of me, and I started looking at his emails. I discovered numerous messages from adult sites, which prompted me to check his sent emails. To my shock, I found messages from the first year we were together where he had posted a Craigslist ad seeking a friends-with-benefits arrangement, complete with a nude photo. This was during the time we had officially been together for six months, and he continued to respond to messages for about three months. Although it seems like nothing substantial came of it—he eventually stopped replying—I can’t shake the feeling of betrayal. When I asked him if he had pursued other women during our long-distance phase, he insisted he hadn’t. He used to drink heavily, which might explain why he doesn’t recall everything, but it still hurts. He’s my best friend, and I’m heartbroken. This happened eight years ago, and I haven’t uncovered anything else to cause suspicion. Should I let it go or confront him? If I do bring it up, how should I approach the conversation? I can’t stop crying. Additionally, just to add context, we were long-distance for the first five years of our relationship, and we have always been open about checking each other's phones before. I've discovered he has an email account where he messaged women in 2019, asking them to send nudes and other explicit content. He also had multiple Tinder accounts, with one being very recent. When I confronted him, he claimed that he was drinking heavily at the time and that many of his actions are a blur to him, but that still doesn’t justify his choices. I thought we were doing well together, even through tough times. He assures me his actions weren’t about me and that they were just poor decisions, but it feels like a pattern over the years. A week has passed since I asked to see the Tinder accounts, and with everything going on, I haven’t pushed for them yet. Furthermore, I’ve noticed he has been quite flirtatious with female friends, which bothers me. I can’t stop dwelling on everything, and it has shifted how I view him. I find myself comparing myself to other women and feeling inadequate, like I’m just an option. I’m at a loss for how to move past this, and I’m deeply hurt.

Assistance needed?

I've been with my current partner (28M) for nearly four years, and I recently found out that he has been cheating on me since the beginning. He hasn’t been physical with anyone, but he’s used apps like Badoo and Badoo. The latest incident occurred in December 2023, and he insists he hasn’t done anything since then. He just joined the Air Force, and we're currently in a long-distance relationship. He keeps telling me that he’s a changed man. We share an email account, and I stumbled upon Google My Activity, which tracks the websites and apps he has accessed. To my shock, less than 24 hours after he got his phone, he was already on Tinder, Badoo, and other dating apps. I confronted him with screenshots, but he claims he connected to faulty Wi-Fi on base and that it must be a virus, insisting that he didn’t visit those sites. However, all other activity clearly shows it was him. I know he’s lying. I’m trying to figure out how to bring this up again when I see him in two weeks. Please don’t judge; we’ve all been in difficult relationships that are tough to leave. Thanks for any advice.

I'm a 25-year-old female and I haven't been able to get past the album of half-nude pictures (including one of my ex) that I discovered on my boyfriend's phone about six months ago. Any suggestions on how to handle this? :(

Six months ago, I went to make the bed before work and discovered my boyfriend’s old phone hidden under the pillow. We both know each other's passwords, and I had never felt the urge to snoop before, but I found it strange that he had left it there before taking a shower. Curiosity got the better of me, and when I unlocked it, I found an album open with pictures of partially clothed girls. Most of them were "friends" and other women from Instagram, including an ex of his who was fully dressed and kissing another friend— that one hit me the hardest. He had even gone through my phone to take a picture of an old gym photo of me when I was 18. When he got out of the shower, I confronted him, and he burst into tears, apologizing profusely. He got rid of his old phone and deleted his Instagram account altogether. However, I can’t shake the feeling that we hadn’t been intimate in two months, and knowing he was looking at those photos really bothers me— he denies that he was using them for pleasure and claims he doesn’t understand why he had the album in the first place. I had also expressed before how uncomfortable I felt about him following so many scantily clad women on Instagram. Has anyone experienced something similar? I love him deeply, but I struggle to get past what happened and often feel insecure and unattractive because of it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. :'(

My boyfriend may have cheated on me while he was intoxicated.

My boyfriend (M24) told me that he might have cheated on me while he was at a rave on Saturday night. He mentioned there's a 50/50 chance he did because he was under the influence of drugs and “wasn’t himself.” He said his friend gave him what he thought was cocaine, but it ended up being ketamine. He claims he can't remember anything from that night and wants me to forgive him if he did cheat, insisting he would never do something like that when sober. I'm feeling completely lost. We've been together for over five and a half years, and I envisioned a future with him—marriage and kids. Now, I’m grappling with feelings of betrayal, anger, and devastation. My greatest fear has always been being cheated on without knowing it, and he knows this all too well. My previous boyfriend was unfaithful, and now I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare. I can't shake the thought of him being with someone else while he was with me, and it makes me feel sick. He keeps suggesting I shouldn't be this upset because he wasn't in the right state of mind, but he still made the choice to go out and get into that situation. Am I being unreasonable or overly dramatic for considering ending things over this? It feels like a deep betrayal. I’m uncertain about how to proceed and would appreciate any advice.

finding it hard to accept his truths

To sum it up: I was single with a child after two long-term relationships that ended unsuccessfully. I thought I would have to settle for someone who was merely “acceptable.” All I wanted was a man who could be faithful, wasn’t an alcoholic, and didn’t belittle me—seemed like a reasonable request. Then, I met a man and fell for the version of him he presented. After five months of getting to know each other and merging our lives, we got engaged. Just a week into our engagement, I discovered I was pregnant, but sadly, I miscarried shortly thereafter. I felt heartbroken and let down, but my fiancé supported me completely during that time. Fast forward to six months later: I took another pregnancy test and felt a wave of happiness—until I found out that three months into our relationship, he had cheated on me. It wasn’t just emotional; it involved sex with another woman and sharing explicit messages with several others. This revelation made me question how well I really knew him. I reached out to the other woman for details, but unsurprisingly, she didn’t respond. We had a conversation where I expressed my feelings of distrust, but I was willing to try to move forward. A month later, I learned that the other woman had contacted him to inform him I had reached out. His reaction shocked me: “If you talk to her, please tell her it was just one time.” Finding that text led me to question why he felt the need to plead with her if it were indeed the truth. He maintained his stance, and that’s where things stood. Just two days after uncovering this information, I had another miscarriage. When I first discovered his infidelity, my instinct was to focus on our pregnancy and think about staying together for the child. I realize now that my past experience, staying in an unsatisfactory relationship for the sake of a child, influenced that impulse. Despite his claims of honesty, he hid the fact that the other woman reached out to him, and he even called her to instruct her on what to say to me. I've caught him in lies that date back to before our first date. In conclusion, trust is elusive for me now. I doubt I’ll ever believe it was just a one-time mistake, no matter how many reassurances he gives. I’m at a crossroads—either I accept being with someone capable of causing me such pain and who still can’t be truthful, or I risk upheaving my life. I’m struggling with this decision, as I don’t want to become a martyr in my marriage. Is it possible for me to move past this uncertainty?

How can I, a 37-year-old woman, encourage my partner, a 45-year-old man, with whom I've been together for 15 years, to consider trying therapy?

I’m a 37-year-old female who has been in a long-term relationship with a 45-year-old male for 15 years. We’ve lived together for 13 of those years. Our relationship was strong until around 2017/2018 when I had an affair. I fully acknowledge that what I did was wrong; I regret not ending the relationship or refraining from the affair altogether, but I can’t change my past decisions. Now, over six years later, I realize that he still hasn’t truly forgiven me. While I understand he can’t forget what happened, I don’t believe we can have a healthy relationship if it continues to resurface and he can’t let it go. I’ve suggested individual therapy for him and couples therapy for us, and I’ve been working on myself through my own therapy for several years. This journey has helped me identify aspects of our relationship that I’m unhappy with, and I’ve tried discussing these with him. However, whenever I express my needs or stand up for myself, he accuses me of being a bully. On the other hand, when I disengage from the conversation because I feel sad, tired, or just want to avoid conflict, he sees me as playing the martyr. I’ve also expressed my desire to move to a different state, where my family lives, as I feel isolated here with only a few friends and no family nearby. I want to be closer to my dad and to experience my nephew’s upbringing. When I mention this, he interprets it as me trying to pressure him since I’m willing to go regardless of whether he joins me. My intention is to give him the choice about moving. Though we aren’t legally married, we do share a home, which means that if we decide to part ways, some logistics would need to be addressed together. I wish he would understand that individual or couples therapy could really help us navigate this situation. He seems to think I’m pushing him into something uncomfortable because he believes “men don’t talk about their feelings.” To clarify, he’s never been abusive, but I do perceive a passive-aggressive tendency toward my needs. I also sense that he knows how to steer conversations in a way that avoids him looking bad. I’m reaching a breaking point, but I’m not ready to leave because I still love him. **Just to emphasize, I don’t need him financially; I have a solid job. In summary, how can I encourage my partner of 15 years to consider therapy?

My girlfriend was unfaithful, and I'm unsure about how to handle the situation.

I'm a 22-year-old guy, and it’s been a couple of months since I discovered something troubling. I initially found out that my girlfriend, who is 20, was approached by an older guy while I was at work. He asked her out, framing it as a casual lunch among friends. Naturally, I confronted her about it, and because she never agreed to the date, I decided to let it slide, but I remained vigilant. The next day, I checked her phone and found over 200 deleted text messages from this guy. Many of the messages were him flirting with her, and she seemed hesitant, but there were a few instances where she appeared interested, even mentioning, “I’ll leave him soon.” Other times, though, she insisted, “We don’t talk like that.” Before all of this, she had a significant drinking problem, which I had addressed multiple times. Remarkably, she hasn't touched alcohol for three months since I last confronted her. When I found out about the texts, I pressed her for answers. Initially, she claimed she was talking to him because I wasn’t giving her enough attention and insisted, “I don’t care about him, I want you.” When I asked her what had transpired, she described him as a nuisance who wouldn't leave her alone, so she said what he wanted to hear just to get him off her back. However, I was still skeptical, as some of her messages didn’t seem entirely one-sided. After weeks of talking about it, she finally admitted that she had gotten drunk one night and couldn’t remember what happened. She claimed he told her they had sex the next day, but she had no recollection. I know it takes a lot to get to that point, but just to clarify, she’s generally not the type to frequently go out. This man lived next door, and I had grown accustomed to her socializing outside while drinking with friends. She mentioned she went over to pet his cat and then forgot everything until she returned home wanting to shower. I don’t know if that’s a typical response for a hangover. Is it possible to lose only an hour of memory, or does that seem like a blatant lie? Doesn’t it feel a bit too convenient to lose the memory of the moment that could jeopardize our relationship? Given that she has stopped drinking, could that be a sign that she might still be a faithful partner? Has anyone experienced a situation where their partner cheated but still managed to rebuild trust in the relationship? I understand that I might not get clear answers to all my questions, but I felt the need to share my thoughts.

I discovered that my girlfriend (19F) was unfaithful.

Today, she was taking a nap, so I took the opportunity to use her phone to watch some YouTube. While I was on it, her friend sent her a text, and I opened it to reply. After that, I noticed she was chatting with someone else and had turned off notifications for that conversation. Curious, I clicked on it and discovered she was sharing intimate photos and videos of us together. I haven't brought it up with her yet. Any advice?

I discovered that my girlfriend, who is 21, was cheating on me with my roommate, who is 22.

I'm in a tough spot and really need some advice. This morning, I discovered some explicit messages between my roommate and my girlfriend. I've been with my girlfriend for three years and my roommate for two. For the last four to five months, I've been feeling uneasy about how much time she spends with him. She frequently cancels our plans, there's been poor communication when they hang out, and she often gets physically close to him—like sitting right next to him and sharing a blanket. I've expressed my feelings about this to her and admitted that it makes me question if something more might be happening between them. This sparked a prolonged argument that's been going on for the past week or two. Her response has been that it's my fault for not being supportive. To add some context, I lost a longtime friend to suicide last February, and since then I've been working on my emotional well-being. I've been committed to addressing her concerns, making an effort to improve, and establishing a solid plan through therapy and pushing myself outside my comfort zone. However, when I raise my own issues, she says she'll work on them but doesn't follow through. When I found those explicit messages this morning, I confronted her about it. She expressed remorse but insisted that they’ve only kissed once recently. I struggle to believe her given our situation. I've told her that I need some space, and I haven’t spoken to my roommate yet. I'm unsure how to process all of this. I'm caught between the fear of losing two important relationships in my life and the pain that makes me feel like I never want to speak to them again.

I was unfaithfully treated in my marriage and then held responsible for it.

Hello everyone, I’m going to try to avoid focusing too much on the negatives, as I've already dedicated a significant amount of time to processing what’s happened. I’m a 24-year-old Muslim woman who entered into an arranged marriage with a 28-year-old man two years ago. Despite the nature of our marriage, I fell for him the moment I laid eyes on him on our wedding day. After we married, I relocated to his country and moved in with his family. I made substantial efforts to adapt to a new culture, language, and way of life. Although it was challenging, my love for him motivated me to persevere and make our marriage work. Initially, he was very kind, but as time passed, he became emotionally distant, and I sensed him pulling away. During this period, I tried my hardest to salvage our relationship, but it often felt like I was the only one making an effort. I had hoped we would move out this year, as I had expressed my discomfort in living with his family. Despite my attempts to win her over, his mother never seemed to accept me. I was transparent about my struggles—navigating a new country, integrating into a new family, and dealing with my depression. I communicated that it was my first year and I simply needed time to adjust. I truly believed that once we moved out, I would feel better, and we could begin our lives together. Living in that environment was incredibly tough. I often felt miserable and found myself crying frequently, but I persevered. During this time, I earned my master’s degree, secured a job, and dedicated myself to working hard. On weekends, I took on various household responsibilities, including cooking and cleaning. Although it was challenging, I did my best. After a year, I unexpectedly learned that he had been unfaithful. He had downloaded a dating app, met someone else, and vented to her about me being "too emotional.” To make matters worse, his affair partner knew he was married yet continued the relationship. She presents herself as very devout, which I find highly hypocritical. Upon discovering the truth, he pressured me to delete evidence, but I confronted his parents first to ensure they heard my side of the story. To my astonishment, instead of holding him accountable, his parents blamed me. They claimed, “You don’t make coffee for my son, and that’s why this happened.” It was utterly ridiculous. Soon after, my husband and his mother compiled a long list of grievances against me, even involving my parents in their complaints, accusing me of being lazy and resentful toward his mother. Many of their allegations were exaggerated or outright distorted. For instance, while I did express my frustrations about his mother privately, they misrepresented it as if I constantly criticized her. He also used my desire to move out against me, portraying me as unreasonable for wanting that so early in our marriage. Regarding their accusation of laziness, I admit I felt overwhelmed at times trying to balance work, studying, and living in a tense household. Still, I worked hard on weekends to avoid these kinds of accusations. My parents were frustrated as well, questioning why these issues weren’t brought up earlier instead of being used to justify his infidelity. Now, I’m back with my parents, distanced from them all. My husband and his family have gone quiet. I’ve chosen not to initiate contact because any discussions with him lead to gaslighting, shame, and projection. He accuses me of betraying his family by leaving, while ignoring the fact that he betrayed me. I haven't received a single apology; instead, he continually asks what I can do to fix our relationship. After everything, I feel exhausted. It’s bewildering to read his messages, where I’m constantly criticized for not being a good wife, despite the fact that he cheated on me for a month. I acknowledge my imperfections, but I believe those are issues that should be addressed within a relationship. Instead of dealing with our problems, he chose to cheat. Currently, things are stagnant; we’re both just at a standstill. I recognize I’ve vented a lot here, but it was necessary for me to express my feelings. What’s most important is that I wish to focus on healing and improving myself. If anyone has advice on how I can move forward, I would greatly appreciate it.

I'm uncertain whether I should simply accept my losses.

I'm 24, and my wife is 23. After five years of marriage, we find ourselves at a turning point. My time in the military has changed me, leaving me feeling like a shadow of my former self. I know I've made mistakes, and she’s expressed that her needs haven’t been met. I’ve made numerous attempts to become the partner she needs, but my struggles with depression and a demanding 60-hour work week have always gotten in the way. Recently, she found someone else who seems to fulfill her needs. Two weeks ago, she suggested the idea of an open marriage with this new person, assuring me that I would remain her primary partner since we’re married. She claimed that she has always felt polyamorous but had suppressed those feelings for a long time. She insisted that her request wasn't due to my shortcomings, and I wanted to believe her. Out of fear of losing her, I reluctantly agreed, but it has been haunting me ever since. Yesterday, overwhelmed by my insecurities, I reversed my decision about the open relationship. In response, she revealed the truth: she sought someone else to meet her needs because she felt she had no other choice. Now, she’s given me one last chance to improve myself. However, her feelings for this other person have grown during the time I initially agreed to the arrangement, making it difficult for her to reconsider leaving him. I now have two months to work on my issues and transform into the person she needs while also coming to terms with her seeing someone else. I believe that through therapy and self-reflection, there’s a possibility I can accept the situation and make positive changes. Yet, I’m terrified that she hasn’t fully decided whether she wants to give me another chance, and I fear the damage may already be too significant for her to love me the same way again. There’s a real possibility she might end up preferring this other person and choose to leave me altogether. She promised to give me an answer soon, but I’m left feeling lost about what to do next.

Tips for Healthy Relationships

My husband (44M) and I (36F) have been married for five years. Recently, I discovered that he had been messaging girls on a website offering sexual services. He underwent a formal polygraph test conducted by an administrator with over 20 years of experience, which confirmed that he has not had any physical contact with other women since we've been together. It also indicated that, aside from the incident in question, there has been no other interaction with women through messages or similar means. He has agreed to refrain from using his computer privately and to delete his social media accounts. Additionally, he is seeking individual counseling, and we will soon begin marriage counseling together. He feels deeply remorseful and has been quite depressed over the past year. I genuinely believe he made a mistake that is completely out of character for him. I want to forgive him and work on keeping our family intact. He’s my friend, and I still enjoy spending time with him, but the loss of trust is really painful. Has anyone out there successfully navigated staying together after experiencing something like this?

My boyfriend was unfaithful to his ex with me.

Hi, I'm a 26-year-old woman, and my boyfriend is 28. We've been together for five years and have been living together for four. We're even planning to get married and start a family soon. When I first met him, he had a bit of a "bad boy" reputation and received a lot of messages from other girls. I asked him if he was seeing anyone besides me, and he assured me he wasn't. My friends advised me not to worry too much about his interactions with other girls since we weren't officially in a relationship at that point, suggesting I should only care if he had a girlfriend. He claimed he didn't have one, so we continued seeing each other casually for a few months. Eventually, he opened up about wanting a caring girlfriend and expressed that he wouldn't need anyone else or even friends. After three months of casual dating, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I happily accepted. A few days later, I overheard his friends jokingly ask him if he had broken up with his girlfriend. He laughed it off and said he would call them later. When I questioned him about it, he dismissed it as just a joke, and after meeting his friend, who confirmed his odd sense of humor, I didn't think much of it. Fast forward five years, we reminisced about how we first met and shared some funny memories. I decided to bring up that friend's comment again, and to my shock, he told me that it had been bothering him for years, and he was finally ready to tell me the truth. He revealed that he had a girlfriend the entire time we were seeing each other, even while we were intimate. I was devastated; it felt like a betrayal. He assured me he never cheated on me, spending time at the gym or out for coffee with friends, which were rare. He explained that his previous relationship was very toxic, and he wanted someone who cared for him, but he was too afraid to end it. He claimed they broke up just three days before we started dating, and during that time, he received constant calls and messages from her, which he dismissed as work-related. He said he stopped being intimate with her when he met me, but I'm struggling to believe that. I feel like my entire life has been a deception, and it's hard to accept that I was a second choice. TL;DR: I just found out that my boyfriend had a girlfriend while we were together, and it's shattered me.

Partner of 11 years had an affair with a colleague.

Hey Reddit, The title really sums up my feelings, and I’m not quite sure what I expect to gain from sharing this, but I need to vent and would appreciate any words of encouragement from those who have been in a similar situation. I’m a 29-year-old guy, and my girlfriend is 28. We’ve been together since high school—our first love and our first everything. I’ve poured my heart into this relationship, and she’s mostly done the same for me. However, things have taken a turn in the past few months. She started expressing doubts, which hit me hard. I genuinely believed we would be together forever; we have a home, pets, and our families get along wonderfully. Lately, she’s been very cold and distant, even more so in the past week. I had a nagging feeling that something was off. I suspected she had been out late, claiming to be at a friend’s house, but my instincts told me otherwise. So, I looked through her phone and discovered that she had lied to me and spent the night at a colleague's place. Right now, I feel like I'm living a nightmare. I’m sad, angry, confused, and mostly just defeated. I want nothing more than to forgive her and pretend this never happened. She is clearly feeling the weight of her actions—she’s a mess, overwhelmed with shame and self-loathing. I know the common advice is to walk away, and I understand that may be what’s best. But 11 years is a long time; it feels impossible to just throw that away. She’s never done anything like this before, and while I know I shouldn’t excuse her behavior, part of me gets how she could be caught up in the excitement of it. So, where do I go from here? I have good friends, and I’m fairly intelligent and not bad-looking, so I know I have the potential to move on. But right now, all I want to do is curl up and disappear. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Kindly treat me with kindness.

F(30) m(29) I need some advice. I've been in a relationship with this person for several years. He cheated on me once, we reconciled, then he left me during a holiday. Eleven months later we got back together, but he cheated again and returned afterward. Things have been okay, but for the past month, we’ve been arguing non-stop. For context, I recently started a new job, and one of the people he cheated with is a colleague of his. I’ve struggled to move past that because he promised he stopped communicating with her, but I recently found a text exchange where he was still being friendly with her. Although it's been a few months since that incident, I still can't fully trust him; he often hides his phone. He mostly takes pictures of just our child or just him and our child, excluding me from a lot of moments. He also tends to place blame on me, and I feel so lost. This is my first serious relationship and my first heartbreak—any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Could I please have some advice?

I’m seeking some advice. I recently ended my relationship with the father of my children after a tumultuous four years filled with ups and downs. Our issues stem from his ongoing use of pornography, adding women on Facebook and Instagram, and actively searching for other females nearby, including subscribing to their OnlyFans accounts. I also discovered that he has been spending significant amounts of money on cam sites while I’m at home with the kids. What’s troubling me is something I found while using his work laptop—a device where I came across email receipts for live webcam sessions. I noticed he had searched for "dark web" in his recent Google activity. While my knowledge on the dark web is limited, I understand that it's associated with illicit content, including pornography and drugs. It appears difficult to access and requires special downloads. Although there’s no proof he actually visited those sites—his browsing history was cleared except for the search terms—I can’t help but worry, especially given his deep-seated porn addiction. I typically wouldn’t go to the police unless there was a clear indication of someone being harmed, and right now I have no solid evidence—just a mounting concern. When I brought it up after our breakup, he brushed it off and made me feel ridiculous for even mentioning it. I’m looking for guidance on how I might investigate this further without tangible proof. He primarily uses his phone, which I can’t access, and he also has a VPN installed. I truly dread the thought of making unfounded accusations, but this keeps weighing on my mind, especially now that we live separately and I have no access to his devices. I’m a 29-year-old female, and he’s 28. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hidden internet

I'm seeking some advice. I recently ended my relationship with the father of my children after four on-and-off years. Throughout our time together, we've faced several issues, including his persistent pornography use, adding other women on social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat, and paying for local girls’ OnlyFans accounts. I discovered that he has been spending hundreds of pounds on sex cam websites while I’ve been home with our kids. My biggest concern, however, is something that keeps troubling me. While I was looking through his work laptop, I found email receipts for live webcam sessions, but I also noticed a recent Google search for the "dark web." I don’t know much about it, but after some research, I learned that it can involve disturbing content like illegal pornography and drugs. It seems complicated to access and requires downloading specific software. However, I don’t have any evidence that he actually explored this, as his browser history was deleted, leaving only his recent searches. Given his significant pornography addiction, I can't shake the feeling that the worst is possible. I'm not inclined to involve the police unless I have clear evidence of someone being harmed, but I keep hoping I'm mistaken. I mentioned my concerns to him during our breakup, and he dismissed them, calling me ridiculous. Is there any way I can have someone look into this without concrete evidence? He primarily uses his phone, which I can't access, and he also has a VPN installed. I really don't want to falsely accuse anyone, but the thought continues to linger in my mind, and since we no longer live together, I have no way to investigate further.

How should I view this?

Hi there! Even after three years, I'm still uncertain about how to feel regarding something my girlfriend did. I'm a 23-year-old male, and she is 20. Here's the background: When we had been dating for four months—she was 17 and I was 19—she attended a birthday party with her close female friends. Near the end of the party, they decided to play a game where they kissed each other. Although my girlfriend initially declined to participate, she eventually gave in due to her friends' persistence and the alcohol she had consumed. She ended up kissing one of her friends, whom I’ll refer to as "X" (she's female, and I should note that my girlfriend is heterosexual). The kiss lasted only a couple of seconds, was not passionate, and immediately afterward, my girlfriend felt awful, burst into tears, and reached out to tell me everything through chat. I reacted very poorly at first because, even though it was just a game, I viewed it as infidelity. I felt angry and sought explanations, especially since "X" often joked about finding my girlfriend attractive. My girlfriend defended herself by claiming she was drunk and succumbed to the pressure from her friends. Over time, I managed to move past it, and we gradually rebuilt our trust. She has since reduced her contact with those friends, and we've been together for three and a half years. Our relationship is now quite strong and stable. Still, I occasionally reflect on that incident, as it deeply affected me, and I never fully processed it at the time. I often question whether forgiving her was the right choice or if her reasons were merely excuses. The fact that I still feel unsettled by her occasional communication with those friends—especially since they insisted on the kiss despite knowing she was in a relationship—proves that I haven't completely reconciled this in my mind. Could this have simply been a matter of inexperience? (We’re each other's first serious relationship.) Was it justified for me to forgive her? How can I express my lingering discomfort about her staying in contact with those friends, especially since we haven't revisited this topic in three years?