Relationship advices: Financial Issues

Managing finances together as I [26M] begin working and she [26F] continues her studies.

Hey, I could use some advice. I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a year and a half. We moved in together last November, and both of us still receive financial support from our relatively well-off parents, while I have a part-time job. Initially, since I had more disposable income from my job, I treated us to dinners out and similar expenses. After I completed my degree in medical school and stopped working, we began splitting our expenses 50/50. Now that I’ve graduated, I’m about to start earning significantly more than before, while she’s still on the lookout for a student job. If I wanted to, I could easily cover all our current expenses and even save some money. However, since we haven’t been together for very long, I’m concerned about feeling resentful about spending my first earnings. I'm uncertain about how to handle this situation in a way that feels fair but not overly generous. I’ve considered the idea of splitting rent while I cover all the grocery costs and occasional dinners out. I believe this could significantly enhance both our qualities of life without creating any imbalance.

I, a 31-year-old woman, feel like I'm nearing my limit with my 36-year-old boyfriend.

I've been with my boyfriend for four years, having met during a phase when I was a hopeless romantic. We connected over our jobs and shared interests. However, about two years ago, he lost his job, and I've taken on the financial responsibility, lending him money and covering vacations. Last year, I lost my job too, which forced me to cash out my 401k and tap into my savings. We went through that money in just six months while I searched for new employment. He still hasn't found a job, and I'm left footing the bill for everything. Lately, I've noticed a shift in my feelings toward him; it feels more like I'm his mother than his partner, and we argue frequently. We both have anger issues, and while we manage to reconcile each time, it’s becoming exhausting. We’ve talked about my feelings, but despite our conversations, nothing seems to change. Now, I'm completely out of savings and struggling to make ends meet. I'm at my breaking point, and I often find myself daydreaming about different outcomes. Should I try to work things out or consider walking away?

[30M] feeling uncertain about how to proceed with [28F].

Subject: Seeking Advice on Relationship and Commitment Hi, I’m a 30-year-old man who has spent my entire life in some of the poorest areas of North Africa. After studying for over eight years post-graduation and working in less-than-ideal jobs for two years, I finally secured a well-paying job last year. Currently, I'm in a relationship with a 28-year-old woman. We've known each other for two years, and our relationship has had its ups and downs. We have gone on many dates since we attended the same university, but we aren't engaged yet. However, I'm hesitant about moving toward engagement and marriage. This is partly because I worry that it would consume all the savings I've built over the past year, while she hasn't contributed financially. I don’t want to come across as greedy, but I've lived on less than a dollar a day for a long time, and I want to enjoy my money instead of spending it all on a wedding and future household expenses. I fear that I'm just not ready for that commitment. Recently, I expressed my desire to buy a BMW—a car I’ve dreamed of having since childhood. She opposed this idea, arguing that it would deplete my savings and interfere with our ability to get married, stating it was either the car or me. Additionally, the thought of taking on responsibilities like rent and groceries without her contributing, since it seems to be expected that the man should handle these things, is overwhelming for me. When I brought this up, she became very upset, insisting that it's not her role to contribute to household expenses and that she only helps out when she feels like it. I care about her, but I’m also unsure if I’m ready for a long-term commitment. I don’t want to leave her or seem like I’ve played with her emotions. What are your thoughts on this situation?

[me, F19] [M23] I'm thinking about Valentine's Day and our relationship as a whole. I'm feeling unsure about how to navigate this or what emotions to process.

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly seven months, and I care for him deeply. Despite my financial constraints, I've put a lot of effort into being creative with gifts, even making him a memory box to celebrate our relationship. Unfortunately, when Valentine’s Day came around, he didn’t get me anything, not even a small bouquet of flowers. This left me feeling unloved. He works four days a week at a full-time job, while I'm currently unemployed due to my work history. He assured me he would make it up to me, but now it’s March 1st, and nothing has changed. I’m beginning to wonder if I should stop hoping for a gesture and just move on. I've expressed to him how important holidays are to me, but he dismisses them, saying he doesn’t celebrate because he doesn’t see the value in it. I want to address how I feel without upsetting him or threatening our relationship, but the last time I brought it up, he promised to get me flowers just to quiet me. Lately, I’ve started to feel more objectified than loved, even during intimate moments. We live together but primarily talk on the weekends since he works late nights. I try to avoid discussing tough subjects during the week to prevent potential arguments. I should mention that I have borderline personality disorder, which he knows about, but he hasn’t made any effort to learn more about it to better understand me. I'm feeling uncertain about our relationship and what to do next.

Are my boyfriend (23M) and I (23F) not compatible?

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for six years. I graduated from a prestigious university and now have a well-paying job. He also attended a top college but chose to leave in order to work in his family business, which is quite demanding but pays off well. Coming from a background that prioritizes higher education, my parents are not pleased with his lack of a degree. Still, I’ve accepted his choice, believing that his work would provide stability. Recently, due to significant family issues, he left his job and has decided against returning to college. Instead, he wants to start his own business. I truly believe he is capable, but I can't help but worry about the challenges he may face and how successful he could actually be. I desire a comfortable lifestyle, which fuels my frustration that he’s not pursuing further education to secure a stable income like I have. He is adamant about not wanting to work for anyone other than himself. Since quitting, he hasn't engaged in any projects and often expresses anxiety about the future. I sympathize with his feelings, yet I wish he would take proactive steps to clarify his path. The uncertainty is weighing heavily on me, as I feel unable to make plans for our future—such as marriage and children—without a clearer picture of what lies ahead. Am I putting too much pressure on him? Are our differences in expectations—my desire for him to earn a decent income or at least obtain a college degree—too great for us to stay together? Can our relationship survive, or is the strain too severe?

[29M][29F] financial deception

I'm a 29-year-old man married to a 29-year-old woman. We've been married for three years, but we’ve been together for ten. Our financial situations aren't remarkable, but we manage. Both of us will turn 29 next month. My wife lost her mother to COVID-19 three years ago, and her father lived with us until recently. Now we're downsizing and moving into a smaller place next month, which has significantly drained our savings. We share a bank account and savings account, viewing our finances as joint. In the past, she has run up her credit cards with unnecessary purchases, promising it wouldn’t happen again. However, it has occurred a third time, totaling $1,600, mostly for her plant hobby, with one plant costing $500. While the financial aspect is concerning, the dishonesty is what truly hurts. Over the last two weeks, she withdrew from her 401k to bolster our savings and claimed she needed to pay only about $200 on her cards. She even discussed how ridiculous it is to spend $200-600 on plants, all while she had already bought them. Yesterday, she woke me at 3 a.m., just before heading to work, and shared everything, initially claiming it was only $1,000. She was very emotional, calling herself worthless and putting me in a position where I felt I had to comfort her because of her past mental health struggles. Despite expressing that I needed space while at work, she kept texting me throughout the day. When I got home, she ambushed me again, crying and pleading for me not to leave her, despite my reassurances from earlier in the day. I asked for her credit card passwords, as she'd previously lied about how much she owed. This request caused her to have a breakdown, leading her to claim she would sell her entire plant collection, an action I neither wanted nor requested, and she said she felt ashamed of her finances, asking me to trust her to "fix it." I explained that it was the dishonesty that hurt the most and that I needed to see her accounts to ensure transparency. This led to another emotional breakdown, during which she expressed that she felt completely alone and considered harming herself, which alarmed me. I took my pistol, unloaded it, and hid it before comforting her. That night, I spent time reassuring her. Eventually, she confessed to spending $1,600, including the $500 plant, and today she shared her credit card login details with me. She insists she will sell her plants to pay off the debt and cancel her cards to "fix it." While I care less about the money and more about the lies and deceit, I feel overwhelmed by her constant apologies and excuses. I genuinely fear for her mental health, understanding that it stems from her mother’s loss, but it's challenging for me since I feel like I haven’t done anything wrong. I love my wife and don't want to leave her, but I’m wary of a repeat situation. Should I suggest we separate our finances? Is this manipulation or a sign of her unaddressed trauma? How can I communicate that I need space to process everything before discussing it rationally? On a side note, I recently began a new hobby that occupies 1-2 days a week for 3-5 hours. She has mentioned feeling lonely, attributing it to her impulsive spending. Is quitting my hobby the right move? I apologize for venting so much; I don’t have anyone to talk to about this since I don’t want to affect how our family and friends view her.

I'm wondering if it's wrong for me to feel hurt before I reach my breaking point. [23f] and [23m]

My boyfriend (23M) and I have been through a tough few weeks, but he mentioned that he can't afford to celebrate Valentine's Day this year. Last night, we ordered pizza, drinks, and dessert, then relaxed on the couch watching a movie and some funny YouTube videos—it was nice. However, today he spent nearly $20 on a vape. Earlier, I had reminded him of that year when we were both broke and managed to get all the half-price stuff the day after Valentine's. When I brought that up, he said, "I can’t afford it right now." I can't help but feel hurt about it. I'm [23F] and he's [23M].

My partner and I are facing difficulties with our career and financial choices and would appreciate any guidance on how to proceed.

My spouse and I were once both employed. While our life wasn't terrible, it fell short of our dreams and aspirations—my spouse particularly despises being an employee and has always yearned to be their own boss. Driven by our desire to immigrate, we decided to leave our jobs, but that decision has thrown us into a prolonged period of uncertainty. Nearly two years have passed without any resolution to our immigration situation, and although we are still trying, our optimism is waning. During this challenging time, my spouse unfortunately lost a large part of our savings due to gambling. I aimed to be supportive, understanding that their intentions weren't malicious—they just wished to resolve our difficulties. Later, they developed an interest in financial markets, an area that aligns with my background in economics, so I tried to encourage them. However, as you know, financial markets are inherently risky. Despite their best efforts, they continued to make mistakes, further depleting our savings. Now, we are nearly out of additional funds and facing a critical juncture. I find myself at a loss regarding what to do next. Should I keep supporting my spouse's interest in the market, given their passion and aversion to traditional employment? Or should I suggest they abandon this pursuit and return to a steady job, even if it means starting over with a modest income? And how do I approach the issue of our lost savings, which will likely take years to recover?

The boyfriend provides money to his sisters.

Hello, I’d like to hear your perspective on something. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend, who is 35, for two years. He recently encountered some legal issues and is currently unable to work. During a phone call, he expressed how eager he is to return to work so he can support his mother and sisters, who are around my age. He has one sister who is married and another who is in a relationship. When I asked him about his intentions, he explained that he often sends them money for things like nails and hair appointments or gives funds to his brother-in-law to take his sister out on dates. While he has sometimes covered some of my costs during our relationship, such as meals, he hasn't offered to help me with personal expenses like salon visits in the same way he does for his sisters, especially since his finances have been tight due to legal fees. I understand the motive behind supporting his mother, but his sisters and their partners both work. It feels a bit odd to me. He has mentioned how much he enjoys providing for them so they can treat themselves, and it bothers me that I haven’t experienced that same level of support. I get that this might come off as petty, but I can’t help but feel a bit overlooked when he mentions sending them significant amounts of money, like $200 to $500, whenever he chooses. I work as well, and while I know he cares for me deeply, I would also appreciate that type of gesture. I recognize that it's his money and he has the freedom to spend it as he sees fit. What do you think? Is this a normal dynamic, or does it seem strange? Given that his sisters are married or in relationships, shouldn’t their partners be the ones providing for them? He mentioned feeling a sense of obligation to support them because they grew up without their father and he assumed the role of "man of the house."

My 30-year-old girlfriend, who is 27, is not interested in relocating for a job opportunity.

I'm 30 years old and a few years post-graduation. I met my girlfriend while we were both in school, during a time when I wasn't earning a salary. After graduating, I landed a job 2.5 hours away in the top company in my field, which offers a starting salary of $450,000 along with annual raises of about $75,000. In contrast, jobs in our home state would pay roughly a third of that. She is currently employed on the opposite side of the state, still in the job she held when we first met, and earns about $120,000. She loves the flexibility of her position. Both of us have student loans amounting to between $100,000 and $200,000 each, and we lack significant savings or any financial support from family. Since she enjoys her job, I agreed to move to a location between our two workplaces, resulting in a four-hour daily commute for me and a 2.5 to three-hour commute for her. This arrangement has been challenging; my job is demanding, but it’s what works for now. She expects a proposal soon, and while we’ve discussed it, I’m open to the idea. However, after initially agreeing to the possibility of relocating, she has since changed her mind and now prefers to stay put. She has even suggested that I consider taking a pay cut to remain in the state. I explained that this reasoning doesn't make sense to me. I want my career to thrive in the city where I can earn three times my current salary, and I believe we would be happier if we could eliminate the long commutes. I also pointed out that there are job opportunities closer to my workplace that would provide her with higher pay and similar benefits, but she dismissed that option. I'm feeling stuck. We've been together for about five years and live together, but I can't envision sacrificing my chance for financial stability. It's frustrating that she isn't willing to consider moving from the town where she's been employed for four years, even though it could allow us to build a life together with better financial prospects and career opportunities.

One year of being in a relationship with my boyfriend.

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship and we always communicate openly about our feelings and issues. However, I'm feeling a bit uneasy about our upcoming trip. I'm currently saving my own money, as I work as a call center agent and my salary barely covers my expenses and bills. Meanwhile, my boyfriend makes six times what I earn each month through his social media work. He knows I can’t afford the trip, yet he insists that I come along and suggested that I borrow money from him. I'm left wondering, is this normal? Shouldn't he treat me to the trip, especially since he earns so much more than I do? The cost of the ticket and other expenses is quite high. I just hope someone understands where I'm coming from.

Did I prioritize money over love?

Did I make the wrong decision by prioritizing financial stability over love? I’m seeking a second opinion on my situation. Just before my 35th birthday, I ended my relationship with the love of my life (45 M) because he was unable to provide the financial support necessary to build our own family. You could say I was experiencing a mid-life crisis. I met him when I was 29 and had openly expressed my desire for children. I knew he had undergone a vasectomy. A year into our relationship, we decided to split the cost of the reversal, which was $8,000 in Alberta. He has three children of his own (16, 18, and 20). Throughout our relationship, I took on the role of stepmom, often compromising my own aspirations for his children. He raised them as a single dad and truly was the love of my life. He always reassured me that he wanted nothing more than to have kids with me. Yet, he still had his existing family. I have a successful career and felt financially ready, but he wasn’t matching my efforts. Over the nearly five years together, he struggled to maintain a job, which weighed heavily on me. We found out that the reversal didn’t work and decided to pursue IVF, but he didn’t have the funds for that either. After three years of trying to conceive, it became clear that I was facing this challenge largely on my own. After having my uterus evaluated, I discovered there were no medical issues preventing me from getting pregnant. Since he was the one who had the vasectomy, I wished to see more financial commitment on his part as a way to demonstrate his willingness to contribute. Am I a terrible person for leaving the love of my life over financial concerns? Now, five months later, I still find myself no closer to having my own family. It genuinely breaks my heart. I feel it’s unfair that I would have to shoulder the entire cost of IVF, considering how expensive it is. All I wanted was for him to assist me financially so I wouldn’t have to bear the burden alone. Am I wrong for choosing financial security over love? After all, money plays a crucial role in every aspect of life. After nearly five years of trying, I just didn’t feel financially supported, and creating my own family is of utmost importance to me. I’m still in love with him, but he still lacks the funds for IVF. I am aware there are other options out there, but they also come with costs. I’m reaching out to see if anyone has experienced something similar and to find out if I am indeed wrong for prioritizing money over love. Should I consider looking for a new partner—risking the chance of never finding love again and potentially being too old to have children—or should I accept a life where I bear all the financial responsibility?

My boyfriend and I are having trouble agreeing on how to divide our expenses, which is impacting our aspirations to move in together and get married. I could use some advice.

I'm a 21-year-old male, and my boyfriend is 23. We've been together since 2023—almost two years now—and we live in London. I care for him deeply, but there's something that's been on my mind, causing me to question our future together. We’re considering moving in together by the end of 2026, but we can’t seem to agree on how to share expenses. He insists on a 50/50 split, despite earning nearly double my salary and having fewer expenses (he lives close to his job, so he has no transport costs, while I would if we shared a place). I've tried to explain that a proportional division seems fairer, but he refuses to consider it. This has been a recurring issue since we started dating. I'm the one who always brings it up, yet he never initiates the conversation and often shuts it down when I try to discuss it. It feels like he's avoiding the topic, which is really frustrating for me. For me, a relationship only makes sense if we're planning for a future together, including the possibility of marriage. However, if we can't even agree on something as basic as splitting expenses, I'm uncertain about our ability to live together, which in turn makes me reconsider our marriage plans. Has anyone else experienced something similar? Is it possible to resolve this, especially when one person avoids the discussion? Could this indicate a deeper misalignment in our values? I would really appreciate any advice.

Should I cover all the expenses and move in with him, or should I end the relationship?

I've been in a relationship with my partner for five years now. He’s always claimed that we have the same goals for our future, but I’m starting to question his commitment to actually achieving them. Money has always been a struggle for him. He eventually admitted that he had debt, especially after he asked for my help paying his bills about a year into our relationship. Over the last four years, I’ve tried everything to help him manage his finances better so we could save up to move out together. I’ve always been a good saver and had the means to do this, but nothing seems to be working. When I moved back in with my parents out of frustration, he promised me that if I gave him four months, he would reduce his spending and start saving. Unfortunately, he only managed to save £25 a week, which isn't nearly enough. I can’t continue like this; it has led to so many trust issues due to his unfulfilled promises, and I feel deeply unhappy. Yet, aside from this financial problem, he makes me feel loved and fulfilled. While he is making progress and will soon be debt-free, he hasn’t saved anything because he tends to overspend on hobbies and food. My heart is telling me to just pay for us to move out so we can finally settle down, believing he would manage the monthly bills and rent from then on. But my mind is urging me to consider ending things. I would really appreciate any advice or insights from others who have faced similar situations.

Did I choose incorrectly?

Did I prioritize money over love? I could really use a second perspective. I recently turned 35, just five months ago. The day before my birthday, I ended a relationship with the person I believed was the love of my life. The reason? He wasn't in a position to contribute financially to starting a family together. You might say I was facing a mid-life crisis. I met my partner when I was 29, and I’d expressed my desire to have kids, despite knowing he had a vasectomy. A year into our relationship, we decided to split the $8,000 cost for the reversal in Alberta. He has three children of his own—now aged 16, 18, and 20—and is ten years my senior. As a devoted single dad, he raised them by himself. He always told me how much he longed to have children with me, but he still had his own family to consider. While I have a stable career and felt financially prepared, he wasn't making the same effort on his part. We learned that the reversal hadn’t worked and were planning to pursue IVF, but the issue was that my partner didn’t have the funds for that either. So, just before I turned 35, I made the tough decision to break up with him. After three years of trying to conceive, it dawned on me that I was bearing the financial burden alone. Am I a terrible person for leaving the love of my life over money? Now, five months later, I find myself no closer to having my own family, and it truly hurts. I didn’t believe it was fair for me to shoulder the cost of IVF on my own; I wanted us to work together on this. Does that make me a bad person for prioritizing finances over love? After nearly five years of trying, I felt unsupported financially when starting my own family became a priority for me. I need advice! I still have feelings for him, but he’s yet to find the means for IVF. I know there are alternative options out there. I'm just hoping to figure out if choosing financial stability over love makes me a villain in this story. Has anyone else faced a similar crossroads?

M31 cohabitating with his girlfriend, F30, for two years

I have a quick question: what would be a fair monetary contribution from my girlfriend in this situation? Here's the background: I earn £2,250 per month (after tax) working full-time (35 hours per week) in the UK. My girlfriend, whom I care for deeply, earns £850 per month (after tax) working part-time (20 hours per week). For the past few months, I've been covering all our bills, but now she wants to start contributing fairly and has asked me to suggest an amount. What do you all think? For context, I own the property, and she moved in with me from a rented place. Our total monthly expenses, including everything (groceries, bills, travel, and living costs), amount to £1,172.33. I welcome insights and calculations from both perspectives. Thank you for your help!

Should I support my girlfriend in selling socks for extra money?

My girlfriend (22) and I (23) have been together for almost three years. During this time, she has shared personal stories about how she used to sell her socks and make a good amount of money from it. She's mentioned several times that she's struggling financially, even though she has a full-time job that pays poorly and requires her to commute over 100 miles daily. She’s sticking with this job because it’s currently the only one within a 50-mile radius that will provide her with valuable experience for her career. She understands my discomfort about the sock selling, but to her, it’s not sexual; it’s just a straightforward transaction — wear them, send them off, get paid, and move on. While the idea of what others might do with them is a bit off-putting to me, I can see that it has the potential to generate considerable income and that her previous experience in this area could give her a head start. I’m feeling conflicted and could use some advice. On one hand, there's the allure of good money, but on the other hand, it feels strange. Since she can separate her feelings about it so easily, I’m left wondering if I can do the same. **TL;DR**: My girlfriend wants to start selling socks online again to earn extra money. She views it as a practical solution to her financial struggles, while I feel uneasy about it. I'm uncertain whether I should support her decision.

My husband has been prioritizing his best friend's financial needs over our household. How can I address this issue?

My husband, Rich, and his best friend, Tom, started a business together six years ago. While it’s mainly Rich’s venture—he conceived the idea and handles over 80% of the workload—it's been struggling significantly. Calling it a financial burden would be an understatement; it’s essentially a money pit. The only reason it’s still operating is that Tom has been selling off investments to keep it afloat. For the record, I urged both of them to shut it down two years ago. Rich was ready to quit, but Tom wanted to continue, so Rich kept working. He feels an overwhelming sense of gratitude and guilt towards Tom for his ongoing financial support. If, or rather when, the business fails, both of them will have to declare bankruptcy. Fortunately, due to our state laws, Rich’s bankruptcy will only impact our joint assets, which means our house, cars, and my personal savings will remain safe and sound. I’m currently not working due to a disability and a surprise baby. My personal savings were meant to cover several months of our family’s expenses in case of Rich’s business failure and his job loss. Unfortunately, I’ve had to dip into that account multiple times over the past six years, leaving it significantly depleted. Last winter, we found ourselves in a tough situation where we couldn’t make ends meet. For several months, we went without essentials until I had to once again use my personal savings to fill the gap. In the spring, I discovered that during this time, Rich was only taking two-thirds of his salary, which made me extremely frustrated. This, among other issues related to his startup, led to us beginning marital counseling. Recently, during one of our sessions, I learned that he had been taking a reduced salary for a much longer period than I realized and had depleted our joint savings to lessen the amount of money Tom needed to invest in the business. I vaguely remember him mentioning a reduced salary long ago, and since that money would likely be lost in the upcoming bankruptcy, I’m not overly upset about that. However, what truly angers me is that after draining our joint account, instead of asking Tom to restore his full salary when we needed it, he chose not to for fear of adding stress to Tom's life. He admits he should have discussed this with me more openly, but now I can’t shake the feeling that I was excluded from crucial decisions and that he prioritized Tom over me. I feel deeply betrayed. I'm really struggling to move past this issue. Rich's startup is a significant point of contention in our relationship, and I no longer trust his judgment regarding it. On the flip side, he is a loving husband and a devoted father, and our counseling sessions have been beneficial. I’ve come to understand through therapy that I find it challenging to let go of the past and that I harbor some bitterness towards his business endeavors. Rich doesn’t seem to view this situation as a major problem. Am I being unreasonable? Regardless, how can we both move forward from this?

How can I (26F) best support my boyfriend (26M) as he pursues his MBA?

My boyfriend (26M) and I (26F) have been together for nearly two years. We met during a challenging time in my life when I was unemployed due to switching careers and facing financial difficulties. He was in a great financial position with a high-paying job. While he didn’t contribute to my bills or groceries early on (since our relationship was new and I didn’t ask), he frequently took me out to eat and surprised me with gifts, which helped improve my quality of life. When my lease ended, he generously allowed me to stay with him rent-free while I got back on my feet. However, after the first year of our relationship, he lost his job and struggled to find his direction. He made the decision to pursue an MBA at an Ivy League school, where he is currently studying. During this time, I secured a job in my desired field and earn a decent salary. I often visit him at school, staying for a month at a time since I work remotely. Now, I find myself in need of advice. He took a significant risk by committing to an MBA without savings and relying on student loans. He is now looking to me to help support him financially, which is creating tension in our relationship. My aspiration is to be a digital nomad and travel to immerse myself in different cultures, and I worry that contributing more to his goals means sacrificing my own. We aren’t married, which adds to my concerns about potentially funding his dreams without the security that marriage provides. Still, I don’t want to be an unsupportive partner while he faces these challenges. How can I help him without compromising my own dreams? I’m aiming to find a healthy balance that allows me to support him while staying true to my own aspirations.