Is my boyfriend asking for too much, or am I not contributing enough?
My boyfriend, 22, and I, 21, have been together for over four years. I'm currently a first-year university student, while he works as a pilot with a demanding schedule. For the past three years, we’ve navigated long-distance periods, which have been challenging. He felt very unhappy in his previous town, isolated from family, friends, and me, leading him to move closer to me earlier this year.
At first, he proposed that I move in with him, and I considered it. I initially agreed but, after thinking it through, I realized I wasn't ready. My parents, who are funding my education and living costs, were also hesitant, and I later found out his parents didn't support the idea either. This caused some intense disagreements, as he believed that living together would save us money and allow us to spend valuable time together after being apart for so long. While I understand his viewpoint, I felt overwhelmed by the magnitude of the decision. Our arguments became heated, and he even said some hurtful things. Later, he expressed that he felt I wasn't fully committed to our relationship.
Since my university break began, I've spent the last month staying at his apartment, cooking and cleaning for him while he puts in long hours at work. By the time he returns home, he's understandably tired and unable to make time for dates or quality moments together. Although I’m happy to help, I often feel overlooked and as though I'm contributing more to the relationship, which I suspect is tied to his disappointment over me not moving in.
For instance, on our fourth anniversary, I surprised him with a special dinner, cake, and decorations, but he didn’t plan anything for me, which hurt, even though I tried to brush it off. It seems that physical intimacy has been our only consistent form of connection lately, and even that sometimes feels empty.
I’m also very close to my family. My sister is a single mom who just left an abusive relationship, and my parents are facing health issues. Because of this, I prioritize spending time with them, especially during the holidays. My boyfriend has mentioned that this makes him feel less significant, which is tough to hear because I do care deeply for him. However, I don’t think it’s fair for him to expect me to always be around when he’s not there most of the time, and I don't want to miss precious moments with my family when I actually have the opportunity to be with them.
I recently informed him that I’d like to spend most of December with my family, but would drive four hours to be with him on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. This sparked another fight, during which he suggested I reconsider our relationship. He told me he feels I still have a lot of growing up to do for prioritizing my family, and that he sometimes feels “too mature” for me, implying I should just stay home with my “mommy and daddy.”
To complicate matters, my parents are worried about me driving long distances on dangerous roads, and financially, I can't afford to make multiple trips. They've told me to choose where I want to spend Christmas, supporting my decision even if it's not with them.
Unfortunately, my boyfriend has also expressed that he feels lonely because I'm not with him this month. He's even downloaded Bumble (the friends version) to meet new people. He continually reminds me that he moved closer for me after I declined to move in.
This morning, he asked if I'd consider leaving my family and studies behind to move to another country with him for his job while continuing my education overseas. We've discussed the possibility of moving abroad, and I'm open to it, but it all feels too rushed. I haven’t even finished my degree yet, and the idea of leaving behind my family, education, and stability is unsettling, especially given our recent arguments.
The ongoing conflicts and his recent suggestion that I reevaluate our relationship have left me feeling emotionally drained and detached. Being at home has given me the space to reflect, and despite our love for each other—and acknowledging that we both have our flaws—I’m starting to question if this relationship is worth sacrificing so much for, particularly my time with family, which I might regret missing.
I would really appreciate any advice or perspectives on my situation.