Relationship advices: Age Differences

Does a karaoke song influence my perspective on my partner?

Here are a few initial clarifications: * There is an age difference between us, which might spark concerns about the sustainability of our relationship. However, we both want a committed partnership; they expressed sadness and confusion when I suggested a more casual dynamic. * If you're curious about our relationship, you can get a sense of it from this story :) **Context:** We’re at a karaoke bar, and my partner is taking the stage for their first song while I sit with their friends, whom I'm meeting for the first time (though I’ve met some of their other friends before). We’ve been together for eight months. Part of me wants to brush this off, but I can’t shake the feeling I had while sitting with their enthusiastic friends, enjoying the song "Escape (Piña Colada Song)," which speaks to the idea of growing bored with one’s partner (and even worse, refers to an "old lady"). I know a bit about their musical tastes, and among other themes, they tend to gravitate toward that "summer love" vibe. We actually met during a summer romance after a punk-rock concert. Does anticipating the future change how we experience the present? How can I fully invest emotionally in this relationship when I feel a sense of uncertainty? It doesn’t seem like a conversation I should have with them (after all, it was just a song), but it continues to nag at me.

Significant age difference: Female, 21; Male, 33.

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. I'm 21, and he’s 33, which means we have a significant age difference of 12 years. I genuinely feel his love and adoration for me, and I feel the same way about him. However, I can’t shake the feeling that I might be missing out on some life experiences. This is my first relationship, so everything is quite new for me. On the other hand, he has had several relationships in the past, each lasting between 2 to 5 years. For context, we share two dogs that we got together, and we've been living together for two and a half years. Both of us are dancers, but while he is nearing the end of his career, I’m just starting mine. This makes me feel like he might be holding me back or settling down too soon. We both share the same views on marriage and children, and neither of us is ready for that yet. My family loves him, and his family loves me, yet I still feel this urge to experience life independently. However, I’m unsure how to navigate life without him since I moved to his country and left all my friends behind. When we first started dating, I discovered some concerning things, like him liking half-naked pictures of other girls after we had explicitly discussed my discomfort with it, as well as meeting up with his ex-girlfriends. I also caught him lying multiple times, and as someone who values loyalty and commitment, this really hurt me. He acknowledges that he was in the wrong and has since begun therapy to work on his issues, claiming he’s changed—at least that’s how I perceive it. I realize that leaving him would devastate both of us, but I’m feeling incredibly confused. It may sound dramatic, but I truly can’t imagine my life without him. He has been incredibly supportive, especially through my struggles with anxiety. Once again, I'm at a crossroads—I don’t want to miss out on dancing, training, and traveling, but I also don’t want to lose what we have built together. Leaving him feels like a drastic decision, especially since our relationship is generally very good!

My girlfriend mentioned that she needs some time to herself.

My girlfriend is 25, and I’m 32. We’ve been together for four months, but she just let me know that she needs some space. She said it’s not me, but her, and that when she’s ready, she’ll reach out. She delivered all this in about an hour. I’ve been training in the army every few days, which leaves me fatigue and resting a lot, so I haven’t been able to talk much. I understood that she might struggle with being in a relationship with someone who is away for a few weeks every month. Lately, she’s been giving me attitude during our calls and seems upset with me for no clear reason. It feels like she’s used to having me around and now that I can’t be, she’s acting out. I’m just not sure where I went wrong.

I'm F20 and my boyfriend is M27. I would appreciate some thoughts on our relationship!

I could really use some advice. Do you think a serious relationship is possible between a 20-year-old woman and a 27-year-old man, especially since we live in different countries on separate continents? I met him seven months ago while I was in his country, and we started dating after a month of seeing each other. We had a wonderful time together, filled with dates and trips, but I had to return home three months later once my visa expired. He assured me he would come to visit, and two weeks ago, he did! We enjoyed an incredible week and a half together, but unfortunately, he had to go back to work. He’s already making plans to see me again soon. I’m currently studying at university, and his friends, family, and colleagues are all aware of our relationship. We’ve talked a lot about my potential move to his country. I can't share all the details about his feelings toward me here, but I would love to hear your thoughts on our situation.

I'm a 20-year-old female and my boyfriend is 27. What are your thoughts on our relationship?

I’m in need of some advice. Do you believe there’s potential for something serious between a 20-year-old woman and a 27-year-old man? We live in different countries on separate continents. I met him seven months ago while visiting his country on a valid visa, and after three months of staying in touch, I had to head back home. We became a couple about a month into our dating. During my visit, we enjoyed many dates, trips, and even made plans for the future. He assured me that he would come to see me after I returned to my country. Just two weeks ago, he visited, and we had a fantastic week and a half together before he had to go back home for work. He’s already making plans for another visit soon. I’m currently studying at university, and his friends, family, and colleagues are all aware of our relationship. We’ve talked quite a bit about the possibility of me moving to his country, although I can't cover every detail here, especially regarding his feelings towards me. Overall, what’s your perspective on this situation?

Is it acceptable for me to be 18 and in high school while he is 25?

I (F18) have always been attracted to older, more mature guys, especially those with beards who don’t dress immaturely. Recently, I've been talking to a guy online. He’s 25 and really laid-back, sweet, and respects my boundaries. He often tells me I’m beautiful and asks for pictures of me (nothing inappropriate, thankfully). He likes to compliment me, saying how hot I am and expresses that he misses me when we’re not chatting. While he’s moving a bit fast for my liking, I can't help but feel flattered by his attention. He’s genuinely a nice guy. At times, he does get a bit suggestive, but he’s okay with the fact that I’m still in school, as long as I’m of age. He’s mentioned wanting to be my “older man” and said I’m the youngest girl he’s talked to. There's definitely an allure to our age difference. I also recognize that this might not be the best situation, particularly since it’s online. He loves taking things quickly. Recently, he mentioned wanting to visit me in New York, even though we haven’t known each other for very long. He’s made some offhand comments, like joking about my bust size, just to see how I’d react, which secretly annoys me. He tends to wake up later in the day, but he makes it a point to message me as soon as he does. I feel like I might be the person he communicates with the most. He even said he wants to be "my simp." Is this okay?

Recommendations

My boyfriend's turning 23 this Monday, and we're celebrating together on Sunday night since I have to work that day, which he understands. He mentioned that his siblings want to celebrate with him as well, but keep in mind that his birthday is on the 30th. We had already made plans for New Year’s Eve, just the two of us, staying in and watching the ball drop. I was curious about what his siblings had planned for his birthday since I wouldn’t be able to be there. Instead, he told me they're planning something for New Year’s Eve. The thing is, I really don't want to go to that. I genuinely like his siblings, and I know they feel the same about me, but some comments they make really bother me, and I try to avoid going to his sister's house whenever possible. It’s not that I dislike them; I just struggle with being around so many new people. There’s a slight age gap between us—I'm 20 and he's 23—and it often comes up in conversation in a way that feels condescending. People mention how young I am or say I don’t seem my age, and it bothers me. It’s always a topic of discussion, or they mention that they can’t go clubbing because I’m underage. I’m not overly sensitive, but I’ve reached a point where I don’t enjoy meeting new people repeatedly. I was also disappointed that our personal plans have to be canceled because he didn't ask his siblings if they could celebrate on his actual birthday. There’s a lot of context to how I feel, and I try to communicate it to him, but he doesn't seem to understand my perspective. He struggles to say no to his sister, resulting in our plans being canceled whenever she makes arrangements. I feel terrible about not wanting to go, especially since it’s his birthday, but the thought of being there makes me uneasy. I might sound selfish, but I feel like if I’m dreading the comments on his special day and am willing to miss the celebration, then I'm justified in my feelings. I am definitely planning to take him out for a day just for us, but I still feel awful about not wanting to attend on New Year’s Eve. I’d appreciate any advice. Sometimes I get caught up in my feelings and might not realize how I’m coming across, so any insight would be really helpful!

'55M' and '27F'—she's breaking up with him. Would you do the same?

Here's a revised version of your text: "I'm significantly younger than him; he’s 55 and I’m 27. His health isn’t great, and I find myself contemplating moving on because he feels more like a father figure than a romantic partner. I got caught up in a relationship filled with lies and omissions, and as time has gone by, he seems to be falling apart. I’ve tried to be supportive, especially since life has thrown him some tough challenges, but it’s been exhausting to watch him struggle. He has no real support system, primarily because he has deceived the friends who once stood by him, and they ultimately abandoned him when his life spiraled out of control. He still keeps his struggles hidden from them and only confides in me. I’m at my wit's end playing the role of a pseudo-counselor, the listening ear, and the caretaker for someone I don’t love, respect, or admire. He doesn’t treat me with the care and respect I deserve. I’ve made room for him in my life out of pity, but my feelings for him aren't romantic. For me, genuine love is essential to build a home and family—I want children, and I’m in a fortunate position to conceive whenever I choose. However, he isn’t interested in a physical relationship, and honestly, neither am I. Part of my disinterest is due to his age and frail demeanor. He often struggles to engage with my excitement and enthusiasm for new things, frequently resorting to negativity. It seems he believes this will somehow keep me in check, but it only heightens my focus on my own goals, family, and aspirations. He’s clearly uncomfortable knowing I’ve seen his lows and may think I see him differently because of it. If I leave him to his own devices, he’ll likely fall apart emotionally due to his isolative tendencies. I don’t want to have to guide him; I desire to be led by a strong, spirited man who embodies traditional values—someone who can truly support me in all aspects of life. I dislike feeling like a daughter in this relationship; that's not what I want or need. I seek a partner, a best friend to share life's journey with, creating memorable experiences and navigating life together. In short: she’s a younger woman wanting to live fully and have children; he’s an older man who is choosing to retreat into himself. He expects her to be a domestic servant, while she feels pity and indulges him. He’s intentionally unhappy, and she chooses happiness, but he creates a dark shadow in her life. She desires a strong partner, someone who can lead and share passion with her, while he remains content but unengaging. She's made her needs clear, but he’s simply unable to meet them. What options does she have? Thank you to everyone who contributed to the discussion. I deeply resonate with all your insights. I wrote this during a personal crisis about my next steps. With the end of the year approaching and a new one on the horizon, it feels like the right time to let go of the past and embrace new beginnings."

I'm an 18-year-old female and I misled my boyfriend, who is 20, about my age when we first started dating. How should I tell him the truth after a few months of not being honest?

I met my boyfriend when I was 17 and he was 20. At the time, I misrepresented my age because I didn't expect us to last beyond a few dates. I even tried to self-sabotage the relationship to escape the situation I had created, but he proved to be incredibly understanding and stuck by me through all the ups and downs. We connected on an app where I had my profile listed as 19—initially, I never intended to meet anyone from there; it was just for fun. When the topic of my age comes up, I’ve gone along with the story instead of clarifying the truth, though I don’t justify my actions. Fast forward almost a year, and I've fallen deeply in love with him, and we're now engaged. Yet, I still struggle to tell him the truth about my actual age. I know there’s never a perfect time to reveal something like this, but I’m at a loss for how to approach the conversation. I feel terrible whenever my age comes up, and the thought of losing him terrifies me. What if he reacts negatively? I recognize that what I did was wrong, but I’m unsure how to rectify the situation. On top of all this, I’m now pregnant with his child. I made sure to wait until I was of legal age to meet him in person, so there was nothing illegal about our relationship—just a moral dilemma I'm grappling with. Any advice would be appreciated.

I am a 31-year-old woman, and he is 56 years old.

I really like him; he has a wonderful personality and is very caring. However, the age gap concerns me. In a few years, if we decide to have kids, will he be able to play with them or join them for practices? Will we be able to travel together? I haven't traveled much before and there are so many experiences I'd love to have. I grew up in a strict household in the Middle East, so I missed out on a lot of those more adventurous things during my twenties that many others enjoyed. I'm a doctor and recently completed my residency, while he works as a producer in the film industry. We genuinely connect, and I find our conversations incredibly engaging—something I've never experienced with other guys.

Tips for managing a partner who may have anger issues?

My partner is 21 and I’m 26. We’ve been together for a year, and I’m uncertain whether his behavior is a permanent state or just part of his personal development, especially considering this is his first serious relationship and his frontal cortex is still maturing. He genuinely wants the best for me, takes responsibility for his actions, and often expresses gratitude for my patience with him. However, every few weeks, he experiences anger that he doesn’t always manage well. Over the course of our relationship, I've seen some improvement; he's stopped certain behaviors that he used to exhibit regularly. Still, he often gets upset, raises his voice, makes a few hurtful comments, and occasionally slams a door or an object during heated discussions. There’s one concerning trend: in the past, I could appeal to his logical side during his angry moments, and he’d quickly calm down. Lately, however, for the past couple of months, he seems to hold onto his anger longer, even when I get emotional, which used to trigger his empathy. Typically, after cooling down for about 30 minutes, he returns to apologize and appears genuinely remorseful, making an effort to treat me well for a while until the next trigger arises. When I address his reactions, he seems genuinely worried about how he behaves and admits he struggles to control it. I’ve seen him try to manage his anger, and it does seem challenging for him. I can’t fully relate to this struggle, which leaves me feeling confused. I can't help but wonder if he will always react this way. He tries to remain positive and hopeful that things will improve. I know that a few months ago, he confided in a friend about his outbursts and expressed worry about his behavior. He has been waiting for the new year to seek therapy and has started researching personal development and listening to podcasts about anger and self-control. While I can’t fully understand his lack of impulse control, I’ve recognized moments over the past couple of years where I’ve reacted differently than I might have at 20, surprising myself with my own growth. This gives me hope that he can change too, especially since he genuinely wants to improve and treat me better during conflicts. Is it common for people to struggle with how they treat their loved ones? Can it be resolved? Could his challenges be linked to his developing frontal cortex?