Navigating a relationship with an avoidant partner as someone with an anxious attachment style.
Hello everyone,
I find myself in a challenging situation and could use some guidance. Recent experiences have led me to realize that seeking therapy might be beneficial for addressing my anxious attachment style.
I’m a 27-year-old man in a situationship with a 34-year-old woman. We started as friends before deciding to become exclusive, which means we are aware of each other's backgrounds and challenges.
I genuinely care for her and put effort into showing my love for our relationship. However, I've recognized that I sometimes self-sabotage, which is part of why I'm now seeking therapy. Our main struggle revolves around communication, especially during uncomfortable discussions where we need to meet halfway.
I tend to exhibit an anxious attachment style, while she leans toward avoidant patterns. In conversations, I often start by acknowledging my mistakes before addressing what she's done that contributed to my feelings. Unfortunately, this often leads to defensiveness or stonewalling from her, as it seems to be her way of coping with difficult topics. My aim has always been to navigate our past traumas together. While I once shared her avoidant tendencies, I now strive to be open to discussing uncomfortable matters with her. When I point out her actions, it's not meant as an attack but rather as a plea for accountability. I also acknowledge my faults when she brings them up, taking note to improve upon them.
Unlike in my previous relationships, things have become complicated in this one over the past few months. I’ve begun to realize that my anxious attachment might be causing me to feel insecure. When we made the decision to be exclusive, she expressed a desire for me not to engage with other women. I respected that wish, but as time passed, I noticed she maintained contact with her exes, which caused discomfort for me. I’ve voiced my feelings around her flirting with other guys online and communicating with her exes, who she maintains are just friends—despite their romantic interest in her.
I understand that I can’t control her choices, but it feels unjust that I invest in our relationship while she seems to do otherwise. Whenever I bring this up, she tends to become defensive, insisting I have no reason to distrust her and that her actions are none of my business. While I see her perspective, I struggle to comprehend why we committed to exclusivity if she intends to act in ways that contradict that agreement.
An additional issue arose when she began working with a guy who previously expressed romantic interest in her. I had asked her to inform me when he was present at the gym where she works, especially since we both acknowledged the discomfort this could cause. Two weeks ago, he got hired, and I made the mistake of looking through her phone, where I found messages that seem to undermine our exclusivity. I acknowledge that my actions were wrong, but when she tells me to “not worry about it” or “forget about it,” I can’t help but feel insecure, believing she’s not being fully open with me. I confessed to looking through her phone, which understandably hurt her and led to defensiveness. Since then, I’ve felt uncertain. I’ve respected her requests not to talk to others to prevent causing her hurt, yet she doesn’t recognize that her actions are causing me pain too. I’ve yet to hear her apologize, and I want her to understand my perspective. When we attempt to discuss these matters, she often withdraws and stonewalls me.
Recently, I reached out to one of her exes, as he was on her restricted list on Instagram, just to gauge where things stood between them. He indicated that he still had feelings for her and that she misses him. When I shared this with her, she reacted strongly and defensively. I tried to explain my reasoning, stemming from our previous conversations often ending without clarity. Since that discussion, she has seemed more distant, and currently, we’re on a break.
Throughout the week, we communicated, and yesterday we attempted to have a serious discussion about our next steps. I’m committed to improving our communication, but during our conversation, she went quiet for two hours while closing at work. Typically, I check in to ensure she’s safe at home, but she didn’t respond until I called again, at which point I felt something was off. I later discovered she had a male friend over, which made me feel uneasy. I expressed that she should have been honest about her company. While I keep her informed about who I’m with, she insists it’s none of my business who she sees, which I agree with but still find odd given our situation.
After leaving her apartment, we stayed on the phone for about an hour, during which she expressed frustration, stating that my behavior over the recent months has caused her to distance herself from me. All I want is for us to meet in the middle and communicate openly, like I try to do.
At this point, I’m unsure about our next steps. Despite everything, I still have deep feelings for her, but she struggles to recognize where she’s made mistakes and hasn’t shown a willingness to seek professional help or understand the impact of her actions.
It’s tough because I think I would feel differently if we weren’t exclusive and she was comfortable talking to other men, but having invested so much time and energy into this relationship, the way I feel is deeply affecting me. I’m frustrated because I want to address these issues without her becoming defensive and lashing out.
I apologize for the lengthy message, but I really am at a loss. However, I look forward to starting therapy soon.