Relationship advices: Low Self-Esteem and Personal Growth

"27-year-old female, 35-year-old male: I'm feeling really disrespected by my partner."

**27/F & 35/M** We welcomed our second baby in July, and I've been focusing on my weight. Despite my friends and family assuring me that I'm making progress, I still feel uncomfortable in my own skin and struggle with self-consciousness. Today, my spouse and I had a small disagreement. I asked for some help around the house, but I might have come across the wrong way. He is really into gaming and spends his mornings playing until lunch, takes a break for a few hours, and then continues gaming after dinner. It feels overwhelming! I gently asked if he could lend a hand instead of being glued to his gaming console. He agreed but told me to hold on for a minute. Earlier this morning, I was on the computer looking up weight loss recipes when he snapped, "What about you, fatass? You were on the computer this morning!" I was furious and wanted to unleash my frustration on him, but I would never do that in front of our kids. It really hurts to hear him say things like that, especially when I'm working so hard to lose weight. Then, after realizing I was upset, he tried to play it off by saying he was just kidding. 😡

"My boyfriend believes that therapy will help him change."

He’s a 25-year-old man who has a lot to work on, and as a 21-year-old woman, I’ve been encouraging him to seek therapy. He often insists that the patterns he struggles with are an inherent part of who he is, and he fears that therapy might change him. However, his triggers keep coming up during our arguments, and I don’t want to take on the role of a therapist in our relationship. Does this mean I’m more in love with his potential than with him? (He believes that’s the case.) I’d appreciate some different perspectives on this situation.

Feeling the Need to Be Needed - is that truly a negative aspect? (M43/F39)

**TWO QUESTIONS from a self-reflective, emotional woman (39) living with my Prince Charming, also known as Dr. Robert Bruce Banner, a.k.a. The Conqueror (43).** Tonight marks the first time in four months of cohabitation that we will be sleeping apart—it oddly feels like we’ve done this forever. He made plans with friends, and I unintentionally chose to stay home (which I already regret). So here I am, lying awake with my anxious, overactive mind engaging in a deep conversation with myself. It’s dawned on me that I possess another trait associated with Borderline Personality Disorder: the need to feel needed. **A little about me:** I’m continually striving to become the person I wish to have as a partner. It’s been heartbreaking to realize that I am 100% accountable for the failures in my past relationships. However, this time feels different; I have the opportunity to avoid sabotage and be the best version of myself for him. **QUESTION #1:** I’m exploring ways to overcome this need but would genuinely appreciate advice on how to embrace and channel this trait positively to improve myself and my relationship with him. While I cherish my giving nature, I need to learn not to overlook my own well-being in the process of caring for someone else. I love others as I wish to be loved. I’m learning to extend that same love to myself, so I can recognize affection when it’s reciprocated and appreciate it fully. **About him:** He is my reciprocal, an incredible, charming, intelligent partner who I cannot imagine life without. My past has been filled with unique (and quite difficult) experiences, and I was in a tumultuous place when we met. Yet, we recognized each other's true love and life aspirations. Though he found me at my lowest, he sees my strength and leadership. He values my unique gifts and incredible potential, which were buried beneath the remnants of my past. He truly crowns me as his Queen and supports my success in every endeavor. Moreover, he is undoubtedly a King, and I am honored to be by his side, especially since he pursued me even after I initially turned down his invitations. **QUESTION #2:** In the event that he chooses to stay with me on my ‘self-growth journey,’ what advice could you offer him (aside from “be patient, be kind, be brave, and stock up on gray hair dye for New Year’s”)? Perhaps some encouraging words to reassure him that he’s not the first, nor the only, brave man willing to love a flawed, yet precious diamond? I believe our meeting later in life signifies that we are meant to navigate the journey together. Now, we’re ready for an unparalleled level of honesty and loyalty. Thank you for any insights you can share from either perspective.

30/F, 31/M - I'm unsure about how to love!

I'm a 30-year-old woman working in fintech, earning a respectable income. My boyfriend is 31, incredibly charming, and has a vibrant, outgoing personality with a wide circle of friends. In contrast, I tend to be more reserved and private, with just one or two close friends, and I prefer not to share much about myself. Social interactions can be draining for me. I worry that my behavior might be causing him distress. I thought I understood how to love, but it seems I'm either too intense or not involved enough. While I'm generally independent, I realize that in a relationship, emotional reliance is important for connection. This creates a dilemma for me: I either feel like I can't survive without him or that I could walk away without a second thought. I just want to enjoy a happy, healthy relationship filled with laughter and minimal conflict. How can I improve our situation? Any advice would be appreciated!

Struggling to feel love?

My boyfriend [23M] and I [22F] have been together for five years. While we've experienced our share of highs and lows, one issue that's been growing is his belief that he doesn't know what love feels like and that he's never truly loved anyone. He only recently came to this conclusion. When we first started dating, he used to journal a lot because he found it difficult to express his feelings and understand them. For our one-year anniversary, he put together a book filled with his journal entries about me. In his personal journal, he wrote beautiful things about how happy I made him and how much he missed being close to me. He often shared how being with me brought him immense joy, even during mundane moments. However, things have changed since then. He stopped journaling and feels as though he's lost touch with himself. He claims he's never experienced love before and that he must not have been thinking clearly when he wrote those entries. Doesn't that sound unbelievable? Surely he has feelings, doesn't he? I could really use some advice.

Looking for guidance on relationships

I’ll try to keep this straightforward. I'm a 25-year-old male in a two-year relationship with a 25-year-old woman. We've been engaged for about ten months. Lately, I’ve been feeling down, depressed, and generally unhappy, which has affected my sex drive. I left the military about a year ago and relocated for a new job, which my fiancée and I did together. We've been living together for most of our relationship, and overall, our dynamic is strong—we communicate well, share numerous interests, divide household tasks fairly, and rarely have conflicts. When we got engaged, I thought it was what I wanted; it may have come a bit sooner than I expected, but I was on board. As time has gone on, though, we haven’t made any wedding plans, and when the topic arises, I find myself lacking the enthusiasm to move forward. I can’t quite explain it—my mind says yes, but my heart isn’t ready. I love her deeply; she’s been my support and does so much for me. After discussing my feelings with her, I feel like I’ve completely shattered everything. I expressed my unhappiness, not knowing why, and stated that I’m not ready for marriage at this moment. Since then, I’ve moved to the basement for some space to think things through. I genuinely don’t want to hurt her, and this situation is tearing me apart. I don’t want to imagine life without her, but I’m uncertain about how to proceed. My indecision is overwhelming, and I’m starting to regret everything. I can’t pinpoint the reason I’m struggling to commit. We have a solid financial situation, good jobs, stable incomes, and virtually no conflicts. So how do I work through this?

I'm deteriorating from within.

I'm not sure if this is better suited for a mental health discussion, but I'm genuinely at a loss for where to turn. I recently started my first relationship over five years after divorcing my mentally abusive ex-wife, and I’m realizing just how much damage that experience has caused, often in ways I didn't even notice before. When I was single, I wasn't aware of these issues, but now it feels like I'm on a self-destructive path, and it's honestly terrifying. This is the happiest I have ever felt, yet I'm constantly worried that I'll say or do something to ruin it. Here are some of the thoughts that keep racing through my mind: 1. Why would she want to be with me? She could definitely find someone better. 2. What if she meets someone else and decides to cheat on me? 3. I'm so annoying; I'm going to push her away. 4. Why would anyone love me? I feel worthless. 5. Deep down, I know I'm just setting myself up for heartache—why prolong the inevitable? There are countless other negative thoughts that swirl around, but these are the main ones. My partner is incredibly sweet and caring. Sure, I annoy her sometimes, but I feel like I annoy everyone. She hasn’t given me any reason to doubt her loyalty, and I trust her completely. We share everything, including our unusual interests (which I know I need to ease up on), and we've established a foundation of total openness and honesty. Still, my anxious mind keeps telling me I'm not good enough. What can I do to address these feelings?