Relationship advices: Low Self-Esteem and Personal Growth

Is relationship anxiety taking a toll on my life? [36F]

I want to apologize in advance as there's quite a bit of backstory here. This journey started back in 2016 when I decided to end my engagement. I had been with a guy I’ll call Matt for three years, and after getting engaged, his struggles with drugs and alcohol quickly became apparent. For a whole year, I tried to support him while keeping his issues hidden (please understand, I was only 26 and had never dealt with addiction before). Eventually, my family discovered what was happening, and about a month before our wedding, I called off the engagement. This was an extremely difficult decision that filled me with anxiety. On one hand, it felt like a relief because I no longer had to worry about what kind of mood I would encounter at home (to clarify, he was never violent, just unpredictable when under the influence). On the other hand, it felt as though the life I envisioned for myself had been taken away. Fast forward six months, I started a new teaching job and met another teacher at the school. After about four months of friendship, we entered a relationship. However, he seemed unprepared for it. He worried about our colleagues and students finding out about us, so we never displayed any affection in public—no hand-holding, no photos together. He also wasn't very gentle with my feelings and was uncertain about wanting kids, something I felt strongly about, leading to many tough conversations. After two years, we broke up, but he returned to me a month later, realizing his mistakes and expressing a desire for kids. By then, I was already anxious and wasn't ready to take him back. We spent the next year and a half trying to make it work, during which he transformed into the kind, considerate person I always believed he was. Yet, my body couldn’t shake off the anxiety; it was as if I was on high alert every time we interacted. I also attempted to date others during this time, but nobody felt right, as I constantly compared them to him. Eventually, I relocated across the country and had a few short-term relationships (lasting less than six months). We attempted to rekindle things, and he even moved to my city, but I still couldn't overcome the anxiety. Although I wanted to be with him, I experienced overwhelming anxiety whenever we faced important decisions about our relationship. We acted like a couple, but the moment we needed to make commitments or become intimate, I felt a wave of anxiety. He often expressed disappointment over my difficulty managing my relationship anxiety. I truly believe he is my soulmate, but I find it hard to move past this anxiety. Fast forward again — I moved again and entered a relationship that lasted a year and a half, although it turned out to be a poor match. He also began a new relationship and has now broken up with her. Currently, I'm in a relationship with a new, wonderful guy, yet I’m once again experiencing significant anxiety. He is incredibly kind and sweet but struggles with articulating his thoughts and has considerable social anxiety, which ramps up my own anxiety when we go out. His anxious attachment style tends to make me withdraw. I’m feeling that familiar sense of something being 'not right.' I’m reaching out for advice regarding my anxiety. At this point, my relationship anxiety feels insurmountable. I've been in therapy for two years, tried medication, practiced meditation—I've done it all. I even froze my eggs to give myself more time to make important life choices, yet I feel like I have relationship PTSD (is that a real thing?). I can't seem to move past it. Has anyone else experienced this? What helped you overcome it? My therapist has suggested that maybe romantic relationships aren't what I truly want, and perhaps I should consider building a family outside of that context. The thought terrifies me. I just want to return to being the carefree person I once was, full of hope and free from anxiety about relationships.

I aspire to be the person I admire and might be in love with: me [20F] him [21M].

I've been involved with a guy, whom I’ll refer to as Jack, since last year. Recently, after things didn’t work out with another guy I was almost dating—let's call him Chase—I’ve started to realize that I may actually have feelings for Jack instead. I know it seems a bit questionable, especially since I was essentially exclusive with Chase and had been intimate with Jack a few times while pursuing Chase. However, Chase had led me on for months, assuring me multiple times that he wanted a relationship, so I don't feel guilty about it. Out of the blue, Jack reached out after a while of silence, asking how I was doing. We had a pleasant text conversation, and he hinted that he wanted to see me, offering compliments that caught me off guard since he typically doesn’t do that. He contacted me during a tough time in my love life, and it quickly became clear that I admire him much more than I initially thought. Previously, I hadn't felt any romantic connection with him, but now I find his maturity and stability really appealing. He seems to have his life together and is generally a reserved person. Oddly enough, his presence inspires me; I've liked guys before, but I never felt a desire to improve myself because of them. Since he reached out, I've only seen him twice. The last visit was different; we didn’t sleep together because I was inexplicably anxious, likely due to a subtle panic attack. He was very comforting throughout, asking me questions about my feelings and listening to me, even when I struggled to express myself. He was nonjudgmental and reassuring. At one point, while I lay in his arms, he mentioned that he doesn’t typically show emotions and has only cried a couple of times in his life. When I asked something—though I can’t recall exactly what—he replied, "It's not like I don’t feel anything right now." I was silent, unsure of what to make of that statement. After he left, my feelings for him only intensified. I've been grappling with waves of frustration, sadness, and even slight anger, wishing I could be more like him. On the surface, he seems so ordinary, yet so composed, managing his emotions far better than I do. It’s common to feel inspired by others, but I’ve been questioning whether that's all it is. Several times today, while doing mundane tasks, I found myself breaking down in tears, longing for the stability and calmness I perceive in his life. While some might suggest I have a lot of self-healing to work on, which is valid, this feeling is hard to articulate. It’s a mix of envy, admiration, and a sense of safety when I’m around him. I'm rambling, but I want clarity about this whole situation. I also wonder if my emotional breakdowns stem from an underlying fear of being hurt again—that perhaps he doesn’t really want me. I’ve gone through similar cycles so often, and it's exhausting. I’m not actively seeking love, but when someone like Jack comes into my life, I can’t help but see it as a possible sign. I’m uncertain whether Jack is just interested in a physical connection or if there might be something deeper, especially since he seems to comfort me so easily despite claiming to lack emotions. That feels contradictory. I’m also concerned that there might be something fundamentally wrong with me; I’ve never met anyone else who aspires to be like their crush. It's all very perplexing. If anyone can help me make sense of this, I would greatly appreciate it. I really want things to work out—with him, myself, and my life in general.

My boyfriend [M20] stopped making me feel valued [F20].

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly a year. We started as best friends, and I was upfront about my needs from the beginning. I carry some trauma and often feel insecure, but I’ve always tried my best for him. Initially, he offered me a lot of reassurance and treated me wonderfully. In the early days of our relationship, he would call me to play guitar, which I adore, and he often shared my pictures online and volunteered to pay for our dates. Before we were officially dating, he would stay up late talking with me, surprise me with flowers, and sing to me. However, since we became a couple, everything seems to have changed. He often makes excuses about not being able to stay on the phone with me. He no longer plays the guitar, has only given me flowers once since we started dating, and rarely offers to cover the cost of our outings; we usually split the bill or I end up paying for everything. I don’t mind paying, but it feels unfair since he spends significantly more on video games and other things. I just want to feel special. Our relationship is kept secret from our parents for personal reasons, and sometimes his parents stay in his room, which I understand limits our conversations. But this happens several times a month for several days, meaning I hardly get to speak with him. When he’s alone in his room, he often claims to be too tired to talk and goes straight to bed. He didn’t even get me flowers for Valentine’s Day, despite the heartfelt gifts I made for him. I struggle with severe panic attacks and sometimes need support, so I reached out to him a few days ago, but he replied, “I can’t talk; my alarm won’t go off.” He didn’t even ask why I called. Whenever I try to express how I’m feeling, he just apologizes, cries, and pleads with me not to leave him. I feel so unloved. I’m unsure what to do.

My boyfriend, who is 24, frequently looks at pictures of slim women, and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

I’m a 21-year-old woman and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend, who’s 24, for a little over six months. Initially, everything felt great; I was genuinely happy and thrilled to be with someone so kind and affectionate. However, as time went on, I started to experience some uncomfortable thoughts and fears. I’ve struggled with low self-esteem for a long time, and to ease my worries, I made the decision to check my boyfriend’s phone. I just wanted to see if there was anything suspicious going on. While I found no evidence of cheating, I did discover that he spends a lot of time looking at pictures of very skinny women – and honestly, they looked more unwell than just slender. I’ve always been on the thinner side, but over the past year, I’ve gained some weight due to my mental health challenges. This change has already made me feel unattractive and unworthy of love, and then I found this out… He tells me I have a great body and that I’m perfect as I am, but it’s hard to reconcile that with his interest in much slimmer women online. I’ve tried to push these feelings aside and enjoy our time together, but it hasn’t worked. I find myself checking his phone again periodically, and each time, I see things that upset me: searches for female celebrities with eating disorders, skinny women populating his Instagram feed, and YouTube shorts featuring extremely thin women. Each glimpse hurts and angers me. My boyfriend picks up on my mood and asks what's wrong, and I often deflect with excuses about being tired or dealing with negative thoughts. I’m unsure about how to approach this. I want to bring it up, but he’s previously mentioned that he values privacy in a relationship, like not going through each other’s phones. I can’t even imagine how he’d react if he found out I had done this. I truly don’t want to end the relationship; he’s a great guy, and both our families support us. We have plans for the future, and I’d hate for anything to jeopardize that. I’ve heard some people say that a partner looking at pictures of other women doesn’t mean they don’t care for you or that they’re unhappy in the relationship. Should I risk a potential breakup by addressing this, or should I just keep my thoughts to myself, considering it might not reflect his feelings toward me?

Every time I say goodbye to my boyfriend, I feel really sad and end up in tears. Why is that?

As I mentioned in the title, I (20F) always feel sad and end up crying whenever I say goodbye to my boyfriend (24M), and I’m not entirely sure why or how to address it. We’ve been together for over a year now, and I’ve never been happier in a relationship; I know he feels the same way. We rarely have any issues, and when we do argue, it’s usually over trivial matters. I recognize that I struggle with attachment and trust issues, stemming from my parents’ divorce when I was young and my father’s dishonesty. Despite having complete faith in my boyfriend, I can’t pinpoint why I feel this way when it’s time to part. I’ve tried picking up new hobbies to distract myself when we’re apart, and I do fine until I have to say goodbye and board the train, even though I know I’ll see him again in a few days. I’m just seeking some insight into why I feel this way and how I can improve. My boyfriend and I have discussed it, and he’s supportive; he just doesn’t want to see me upset because he wants me to be happy. Thank you to anyone who can offer advice!

My boyfriend [M20] and I [F20] (145lb) both believe that I'd look better if I lost some weight. However, it bothers me that he wants me to lose weight... (I'm feeling uncertain about how I should react).

This is a lengthy message with a lot of context, but I really just need some advice on my boyfriend's intentions and how to approach a possible discussion about it. Am I overthinking things? I've been feeling uneasy about a situation for a while. My boyfriend believes I'd be better off at a lower weight, and surprisingly, I agree with him. For some background, we've been together for a little over a year. When we first met, I weighed around 155 lbs at 5 feet 7 inches tall. I’ve always been quite strong, engaging in various sports like volleyball and swimming, and even excelling in long-distance running. Despite being fit, I've had an ongoing struggle with binge eating and an unhealthy relationship with food, which has complicated my desire to lose weight. In the year leading up to our relationship, I managed to drop from 165-170 lbs to 155 lbs. Throughout our time together, we've discussed personal goals, including my aspirations to drop to around 130 lbs for both aesthetic and health reasons, and he's been supportive of this. However, earlier in our relationship, when I mentioned my weight loss efforts, I stalled and ended up back at 155 lbs. During this time, I shared my past weight struggles with him, including my peak weight of 170 lbs. His response was that he wouldn’t have approached me at that weight, indicating that I was "at the limit" of what he found attractive, raising fears of being beyond what he deemed acceptable. He then added that my current weight was still close to his limit but that his love for me made me more attractive. This revelation hit me hard, and we talked about it afterward, where I think he started to understand my perspective. Fast forward to now, I've lost weight and am currently at 143 lbs. I've also gained strength at the gym, and he's been encouraging throughout this process, which has helped keep me on track. I feel great, have visible muscle definition, and my friends have complimented my progress. My goal is to reach around 130-135 lbs, but I'll stop if I begin to lose strength or have health concerns. However, he can be a bit overbearing regarding my diet—asking about my weight or if I’ve had a “bad food day.” While I appreciate the motivation, it can feel excessive, especially given some insensitivity in his comments since our earlier conversation. We’ve discussed our ideal body types, and I expressed that I appreciate a fit look. When he shared his weight preference for me, stating a range of 120-160 lbs, it left me feeling disheartened since I had recently been at 160 lbs and was fit then. He has reassured me that he finds me attractive as I am now, and he wants me to be healthy for a long life together. I'm just feeling very confused. While I love him and appreciate the results of my weight loss journey—something I've wanted for a long time—I can't shake the feeling that if he struggles to see me as attractive at 30 lbs heavier, does he truly deserve me when I’m a visually fit 10-15 lbs lighter? Is this shared desire to lose weight a negative aspect of our relationship, or is it something we can navigate together? I'm looking for outside perspectives on how to approach this situation. What should I say or do given the context?

[18M] I occasionally go overboard with joking around with my girlfriend (18F) and I'm looking for some advice on how to rein it in. Any tips?

I've been dating my girlfriend for nearly six months, and things have been really great between us. We have a lot of fun together, always joking around and laughing. However, about two weeks ago, I made a comment after she got a large cookie at a restaurant—just a light-hearted “Well damn”—and it unexpectedly upset her. She started crying and later opened up about feeling insecure about her weight. I reassured her, emphasizing that she looks amazing and that I love her for who she is, not for her appearance. I apologized and promised to be more careful about joking about her weight. I felt terrible afterward because I never want to hurt her; I want to be someone who lifts her up. But just a few days ago, I made another joke about the same topic, and she ended up crying again. I apologized once more and committed to stopping. I realize that I tend to get carried away and say things without thinking first, and it really bothers me that I might be making her feel bad about herself when I truly care for her. I’d appreciate any advice on how to stay mindful in the moment and avoid making comments like that in the future.

45-year-old female and 40-year-old male, married for three years.

My husband and I have been together for five years. When we first met, I weighed 165 lbs and was in great health. However, fast forward to now, and I've gained a significant amount of weight due to thyroid issues. I tried going to the gym and eating healthy, but nothing worked until I was finally diagnosed about a year ago. Since then, I've lost all that weight and am back to 170 lbs! I always knew he had issues with my weight, as he would often make snide comments. Today, I received devastating news that I have thyroid cancer. I informed him that surgery is scheduled to remove my thyroid, and I'm just relieved to be on the path to feeling "normal" again. About an hour later, he asked me when I wanted to schedule my surgery. I assumed he was referring to the thyroid, but no—he was talking about a tummy tuck! There's nothing wrong with my stomach, just a minor imperfection from having a baby after my previous tummy tuck. Honestly, I could even share a picture to prove it. I told him I wasn't interested in the tummy tuck since I've shed the excess weight, but he replied, "Then you need to do cardio for your legs." Seriously? Can I please just focus on my thyroid surgery without worrying about my cellulite? We’re going on vacation this Thursday, and I’m genuinely considering going alone. 😔

[22M] I have not received any signs of love or affection.

I'm a 22-year-old male, and I don't experience romantic feelings. When I see a beautiful girl, I appreciate her looks for a moment, but then it quickly fades away. For the past three to four years, I haven't felt any attraction towards anyone. My friends think this lack of attraction is a good thing, even though they are all in relationships (which I find amusing). Is there something to worry about, or is this normal?

My boyfriend [20M] is so amazing that I feel undeserving of him [19F].

I [F19] and my boyfriend [M20] have been friends for five years and have been dating for nearly a year now. I had feelings for him for over a year before we officially got together, as we were online friends living about two hours apart. He was quite shy and reserved, which made me worry that he might not feel the same way since he rarely opened up about his emotions. Luckily, I earned his trust, and we started communicating more—basically every day, whether studying or gaming together. After three months of our situationship, I finally had an opportunity to confess my feelings. I love him dearly. He is helpful, responsible, caring, communicative, intelligent, and so much more. His main struggles are his low self-esteem and stubbornness. While I can manage the stubbornness, it saddens me to see how he views himself. I do my best to show him that he is loved, valued, and an incredible person. I’ve noticed some progress, especially in terms of his shyness. He is becoming more open about his needs and fears. Initially, he would dismiss his own feelings, believing my well-being was the only thing that mattered, and that he could never improve. Since we are in a long-distance relationship, we see each other about once a month, and I always try to make the most of our time together. He is my first boyfriend, which made him a bit insecure at first, but with each meeting, he’s become more comfortable with me. My love languages are gift-giving and quality time, along with physical affection. I adore cuddling with him and would do it all day if I could. Every time we meet, I give him gifts. I even learned how to crochet to make him handmade presents, and I’ve taken up baking to prepare cookies and cakes. I’m also learning to cook so I can make him home-cooked meals. Despite all this effort, I still worry that I'm not doing enough. He has a knack for choosing gifts for me. Even though I’m not big on presents, he always brings me chocolates or other things I love for holidays and birthdays. However, recently I've started to feel like it might be a bit excessive. The last time he visited, he left behind some earbuds and a book I had wanted. When I discovered them, I was thrilled and thanked him, but he never acknowledges that he gifts me anything. He insists they must have come from someone else or completely denies giving me things. It’s not just playful teasing; he genuinely avoids admitting it. He also surprises me with in-game gifts that make me happy, but he downplays those as well. When we meet, I often try to cover expenses since I feel guilty about how much he buys for me. I never even have to ask for anything; he just notices simple things I mention without realizing it. For example, right before he gave me the earbuds, I had lost mine and mentioned how foolish I felt for leaving them on the bus. It annoys me a bit that he won’t acknowledge his thoughtful gestures, but recently he took me by surprise in an emotional way. After he visited, I found a graphic tablet he had left tucked away among some boxes in my room. He didn’t say anything because he wanted to see how long it would take me to discover it. I felt a bit guilty though. Just yesterday, I returned home after spending the weekend with him, and he handed me some cash, saying I should treat myself. I struggle with reading people's emotions and intentions, so I kept checking if he was sure about giving it to me, and he confirmed each time. I’m currently short on money, and taking it made me feel uneasy. I considered returning at least half of it, but he insisted I keep it. I won’t disclose how much it was, but it allows me to treat myself to another tattoo while still keeping some of it. Still, I feel like I’m not giving him enough. I'm unsure if I’m overreacting. I want to know what he would like, and since I’ve mentioned being low on funds, I usually prepare handmade gifts and get him chocolates. Recently, I even bought him flowers—something I’m not particularly fond of, but I wanted to make the effort for Valentine’s Day. I put a lot of thought into selecting a beautiful bouquet, hoping he’d appreciate it. (Not that I would be upset about receiving flowers, but I’ve expressed my thoughts against wasting money on them. Honestly, he could give me a simple stone or a blade of grass, and I’d treasure it.) I still worry that he’s giving me too many expensive gifts, and I don’t know how to reciprocate. I genuinely want to give him the world, but I'm unsure what else I can do. He never complains or seems upset, but I can’t shake the feeling that if I were in his shoes, I would have grown weary of my own behavior long ago. He’s aware of my mental health struggles, always perceiving when I’m upset or frustrated—even if I try to hide it. He’s incredibly understanding on bad days and helps me feel better. I attend therapy, and one of my ongoing issues is stress and anxiety. I often react emotionally without reason, especially with him, which has resulted in me unjustly accusing him of things he hasn’t done, all due to overwhelming emotions. He understands me so well that when I start to message him, he reassures me by saying things like, “You don’t have to apologize; I know you don’t mean it.” He truly is the best partner I could ever want, yet I still feel inadequate in reciprocating his love, especially with my occasional unpredictable behavior that I struggle to control, even as I work on it in therapy. What can I do to be a better girlfriend? I’m not ungrateful; I just feel guilty about the generous gifts he gives me. How can I show my appreciation? Sometimes I feel like the only way to repay him is through grand gestures. In the past, I even wrote him letters using my own blood to express my love and devotion—a practice my therapist advised against, even though I claimed it didn’t hurt me. To me, it was a way to demonstrate my dedication.

I'm a 20-year-old woman, and my thoughts are causing me to question my relationship with my 18-year-old boyfriend.

My boyfriend [18M] and I [20F] just returned from a wonderful trip to Paris last night. We've been together for four months and celebrated both Valentine's Day and my birthday while we were there. We enjoyed three lovely nights together, but he had to head home just before dinner. To give you some background, my boyfriend and I have known each other since April 2024 and officially started dating in October 2024. We both came out of toxic relationships before we got together, so we've taken our time to ease into this new relationship. Though we’ve been official for four months, I sometimes struggle with doubts about my feelings for him, his feelings for me, and our future together due to my ADHD and fluctuating hormones. We communicate about it, and he always reassures me, making me feel secure in our relationship. Now, after he left, I’m sitting down for dinner and grappling with intrusive thoughts, which tell me that I don’t truly love him. This thought instantly brings me to tears. I’m exhausted, I didn’t take my medication today, and the birth control pills I’m on can cause my hormones to swing wildly. Plus, spending four consecutive days and nights together is new for us. We’ve even discussed things like marriage, children, and moving in together, and the thought of a future with him makes my heart race. So, I’m curious if anyone else who deals with ADHD and/or is on birth control has experienced similar intrusive thoughts and how you cope with them. Does it get better?

I, a 24-year-old woman, feel quite intimidated by my 26-year-old date and often struggle with feelings of inadequacy around him.

For some context, I’m a 24-year-old female with a college degree, but I'm finding it challenging to establish myself in the workforce. Despite having been out of school for a couple of years, I haven't secured a graduate job yet. On the other hand, the guy I'm seeing is 26 and has a graduate job in a very impressive field. I know I shouldn’t let this affect me, but I can't help feeling intimidated by him, and I often feel like a complete failure when I'm around him. It's as if I shrink into insignificance, even though we have the same level of education. And truthfully, even if we didn't have the same background, I know that a college education and a career shouldn't define someone's worth—yet those feelings are hard to shake. I would appreciate any insights on how to handle situations like this or ways to regain your confidence when you're feeling diminished. Thank you!

I (20, male) keep inadvertently hurting my boyfriend (18, male), and it’s creating challenges in our relationship.

Last April, we got together, and it’s been nearly 10 months since then. Our connection was instant, which led to a rapid development of our relationship. Currently, we are dealing with the challenges of being in a long-distance relationship, making it difficult for us to meet frequently. I find it hard to express my feelings. A bit of context might help: I had a turbulent past, marked by a challenging childhood, loss, and feelings of exclusion in school. My first relationship ended after just two months due to infidelity. These experiences have contributed to my complicated personality, and I recognize this. I often feel insecure and overly sensitive. I have many triggers, some of which seem trivial, like receiving dry text messages, not getting replies, or feeling jealous when he receives compliments from friends. Typically, I'm empathetic, calm, and affectionate. However, when I'm not in this state, I experience mood swings triggered by different situations. During these times, I say things I don't genuinely mean. For instance, I expressed feeling like I'm only valued when it's convenient for him, especially after he seemed distant when I sought affection. Generally, in these moments, I become demanding and expect too much, even though I'm usually content. I struggle to control this behavior; it just surfaces without warning. This past week has been particularly challenging, as I found myself reacting adversely three times in three days. He is under significant stress in his life, which I understand, yet he still did things that triggered my insecurity, leading me to complain repeatedly. Today reached a breaking point: After I voiced my complaints again, he sent me heartfelt voice messages while crying, expressing his uncertainty about how to meet my expectations and make me happy. This realization hit me hard; I recognized how I've hurt him, and I felt truly remorseful for the damage I've caused. He reassured me that he doesn't want to lose me or end our relationship. However, I had a similar struggle back in November, from which I recovered and improved, but now I find myself back in a negative spiral. So, when I expressed my desire to get better, it’s understandable that he finds it hard to fully believe me. Nonetheless, he is willing to give me another chance. During our call, I poured my heart out, apologizing and trying to reassure him, promising to change and outlining how I plan to do so. He mentioned that some issues would take time to heal, which I completely understand. My fear is that I may have diminished his feelings for me. I’m determined not to jeopardize our relationship, even though it's long-distance. I genuinely want to improve and shed this selfish, overly sensitive side of myself. I am committed to working on my personal growth, seeking psychological help, and developing better self-control. I’m seeking advice on how to move forward. What can I do to curb my mood swings and sensitivity? I want to bring happiness back to him, our relationship, and myself.

I'm feeling utterly confused and require urgent assistance.

Subject: Seeking Guidance Hello, everyone. I'm posting here anonymously for personal reasons. I could really use some help or advice right now. I feel incredibly lost and would appreciate any compassion from those who take the time to read my story. I'll do my best to keep it succinct, but some context is necessary. I'm a 22-year-old woman. A few months ago, during a university program in Asia, I met a man who seemed like my ideal partner. He’s 37, which is significant to my story. He appears younger than his age and is full of life—gentle, caring, but somewhat immature as well. We have been together for six months now, and things started off beautifully. We clicked right away, and shortly after we met, he moved in with me at my homestay. With no responsibilities—financially stable, eating out, and no house chores—we enjoyed a carefree lifestyle together. We share similar dreams and lifestyles, both being active, artistic, and plant-based. However, I struggle with insecurity, which has been damaging our relationship. I have trust issues that have been surfacing, even though he made me feel special in the beginning. An incident still haunts me: when I asked how he felt about my appearance when we first met, he said it didn’t matter to him. This response, which may have been well-intentioned, left me feeling undesirable, as though he had settled for me. Despite his reassurances later that he finds me attractive, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m not his type. I’m more curvy than I’d like to be, and the lack of compliments from him makes me question why he’d choose me if he doesn’t truly like me. Another point of tension in our relationship is cleanliness. I can be disorganized, while he jokingly claims to have OCD. These issues have been apparent from the start. In the early days, he eagerly introduced me to his parents and friends, wanting me to understand his world. His friends were kind, which made me believe he was too, but the fact that he primarily has female friends has fueled my insecurities. He insists he feels no attraction to them, as they’re like family, but I often feel inadequate. After two months of dating, we decided to get married—a significant decision that we've come to realize was premature. He left everything familiar to him for this relationship, and the process of obtaining the necessary visas and planning our wedding left us both drained. The stress led to arguments, tears, and feelings of entrapment as we struggled to communicate. He’s an artist and trader, which complicates his ability to find work here and made me realize he wasn’t prepared for the realities of life in Europe, where men often take on more hands-on tasks. This became a source of embarrassment for me, and I found myself frequently relying on my family for help. During heated exchanges, I’d tell him he wasn't “manly” enough, which affected our intimate life. Compounded with my own trauma from past relationships, my feelings of being used after intimacy led to more issues. He began to struggle with intimacy, feeling attacked by my angry words. He has expressed a desire to start therapy for himself, and I’m considering it too. We live in a small apartment without much privacy, and since neither of us is working, the close quarters have strained our relationship further. Our arguments have escalated over minor issues, and the lack of intimacy has left us both feeling drained and disconnected. I often find myself overwhelmed by the responsibilities of cooking and cleaning, feeling as though I’m playing the role of his caretaker rather than a partner. I’m now questioning whether I’m ready for this relationship or if he is the right person for me. I want stability and a future that includes children, which requires financial security. I feel as though I’ve lost myself and am no longer enjoying life. Am I simply too young for this? Should I reassess my priorities? Is he worth fighting for? I’m at a crossroads and would appreciate any insights. Thank you for listening.

What steps should we take? Young couple facing challenges after an abortion in the UK.

I've been in a turbulent relationship with my girlfriend recently. A couple of weeks ago, she discovered she was pregnant, just under 8 weeks along. Even though I hold traditional views, I felt that keeping the baby wasn't the right choice for us. She was already firm in her decision, and last week she went through with terminating the pregnancy, which I supported. It felt like the best decision for both of us at that time, but we both understandably have some regrets. I'm also struggling with self-diagnosed alcoholism, drinking excessively almost every day, which has intensified my feelings of regret about our choice. While I know my girlfriend wouldn't have changed her mind, I can't help but think about the child we could have had. What should I do?

Was what I experienced as a 4 or 5-year-old appropriate?

I am a 27-year-old female and I have some memories from when I was about 4 or 5 years old. I had a great relationship with my dad, and he never behaved inappropriately toward me. There was one instance that some might find unusual where he would occasionally rest his hand on the back of my underwear, near my butt, while we were having a conversation. I was just a little kid, often running around the house in my underwear. It didn’t feel strange to me at the time; it seemed like a bonding moment. This behavior was not secretive; my mom was aware of it, and I didn’t feel uncomfortable. However, there was a later incident involving my brother when I was still around that age. He did something similar while talking to me, and I didn’t like it. I told my mom, who suggested I share the same feelings with my dad. I didn’t realize at the time that she was prompting me to communicate my discomfort indirectly. After I did, my dad immediately stopped resting his hand that way. I wonder if my dad viewed his actions as innocent and didn't consider them in a sexual context until he sensed my discomfort after my brother did something similar. Growing up, my dad didn’t expose me to anything inappropriate like nudity or pornography. There was a time when, as a playful joke, he’d encourage me to tease my mom by lifting her gown from behind, but she didn’t appreciate that, so we stopped. I wonder if that kind of behavior was just typical for that generation. My parents weren’t perfect, but I don’t believe they had harmful intentions. Lately, I've found myself reflecting on these memories more than usual. While I’ve thought about them on and off for over twenty years, they’ve recently resurfaced in my mind. Despite this, I interact normally with my parents now. However, I do suffer from an anxiety disorder, which makes me question whether my thoughts are simply a focus of my anxiety. So, I’m left wondering: Was what happened to me as a 4 or 5-year-old appropriate?

Looking for assistance and guidance.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for over a year now, and we’re both 19. Our relationship has been generally positive, but being with her has prompted me to reflect on myself for the first time in my life. I’ve realized there are aspects I need to improve upon, such as validating her feelings, listening to her without focusing on my own emotions, showing more empathy, and setting my pride aside. Lately, I've been motivated to make changes that will enhance our relationship. I’ve noticed that we hardly argue anymore, and she’s mentioned that nothing bothers her now because I’ve made the necessary adjustments. However, I sense she may be holding back from fully expressing herself, fearing that I might dismiss her feelings. I understand where she’s coming from, and I want to support her until she feels comfortable opening up again. Being in this relationship has also made me confront my own shortcomings. I know I can be envious, jealous, and quick to anger, and I want to address these flaws not just for her, but for myself too. She inspires me to strive for better, to treat others more kindly, and to let go of past hurts in favor of living in the present with positivity. She even motivates me to explore my faith and consider attending church to become a better man. I truly want to build a life with her. Despite our youth, this relationship feels like home to me. I can cry in her arms without feeling ashamed; she makes me feel safe. Recently, I’ve been overthinking whether this is love, and I can’t pinpoint why I’m questioning it. All the signs from what I feel strongly indicate love. Yet, in moments of doubt, I worry that I might be holding her back. The Bible teaches that love is selfless, patient, and kind—qualities that I recognize I still need to develop. I’m willing to learn, and if therapy is necessary for me to grow and stay with her, I’m open to that. It’s confusing because I care deeply for her, yet I find myself battling negative thoughts about our love. I suspect I have OCD, which complicates my thought processes. If I don’t complete a task just right, I fear dire consequences. For instance, I often feel compelled to redo things until I feel they’re perfect, which can be exhausting. I recognize that I lack experience in expressing love and kindness, having grown up in an environment where I didn’t witness romantic love. This lack of familiarity makes it hard for me to naturally perform gestures of love; instead, I feel like I have to force myself to do them, leading me to believe I’m a bad boyfriend. Additionally, I struggle with feelings of envy when she demonstrates intelligence in various areas. Often, I find myself thinking, “Does she think she’s better than me?” I realize this stems from my self-esteem issues, and I want to change. I don’t want to harbor resentment; I want to admire her and celebrate her strengths. I plan to consult a psychiatrist soon, as I understand these thoughts are unhealthy and I need help sorting through them. In short, I love her deeply and value our relationship. I need to work on myself to ensure I don’t jeopardize this amazing connection we share.

Do couples experience disagreements regarding personal growth?

Have you ever felt stuck in a relationship, wondering if someone will ever challenge their existing beliefs about themselves or what they contribute to the partnership? How have you coped with emotionally distant partners or those who seem to lack depth? Is it a form of self-protection, or is it simply not part of their emotional toolkit? From my perspective, I often struggle with avoidant tendencies. After years of taking attachment style assessments, I'm realizing that my understanding of relationships and emotional expression is evolving; I'm approaching a quarter of the four main attachment styles. What does that mean? 😅 I find myself falling into negative thought patterns, focusing on what’s wrong instead of what's right. This leads me to contemplate escape as a way to avoid emotional pain, which ultimately results in hurt feelings. I then need to either be reassured by my partner or find a way to ground myself again. This can be especially challenging for someone with an anxious attachment style. Some of my triggers include a perceived lack of passion, interest, or enthusiasm, which ties back to fears of abandonment and self-worth. Thus, I sometimes react protectively based on my long-held beliefs, even if my partner says things like, “I’m just not a positive person, I can’t always say nice things to make you feel better.” While I respect her perspective, I find the language limiting and not particularly helpful. Is that reasonable? Similarly, I crave connection on both intellectual and emotional levels, and I often ask thoughtful questions to encourage growth. However, when my partner responds with, “I just don’t think about those things,” I’m left wondering if this is a limitation in our connection or if there’s an underlying fear at play.

I'm a 20-year-old woman and I have a wonderful, caring, and respectful boyfriend. Despite that, I find myself subconsciously trying to distance myself from him. What can I do to address this, aside from seeking therapy?

We met around November, and everything is going well. However, I think I developed feelings for him when we met in person, but I find myself pushing him away when we text. I'm currently working on starting therapy. Thank you for your advice! xx

SEEKING ADVICE: I (21F) find myself comparing my social life to that of my outgoing boyfriend (21M), and it's leading to feelings of resentment toward him because I feel lonely. How can I express my feelings to him in a way that helps me move past this resentment?

**(Summary: I'm struggling to make friends while my boyfriend has many, which has led to some unfair resentment due to my own insecurities. I'm looking for advice on how to share my feelings with him in a way that fosters understanding for both of us.)** I created a burner Reddit account because I'm embarrassed and really need some guidance. Please bear with me as this is a bit lengthy. Socializing has always been tough for me, and I've repeatedly had difficulties forming and maintaining friendships, leaving me with a significant insecurity. I've always felt quite awkward, adding to my social anxiety. Currently, I'm undergoing cognitive behavioral therapy to help with this. In contrast, my boyfriend is very outgoing and sociable. It's impressive how easily he connects with others and leaves every conversation with new friends. Everyone adores him, and he truly lights up any gathering. He’s my best friend, and I genuinely admire him. We’ve been together for four years. As we're both in university, he’s made numerous friends, while I haven’t built any connections on my own. The friends I do have are those he introduced me to, as they were his friends initially. Here are the roots of my insecurities: - People regard my boyfriend as his own individual, whereas I feel perceived only as his girlfriend, rather than by my name. - When he walks into a room, people greet him warmly. In his absence, others ask me where he is, but I don’t receive the same engagement. - I struggle to engage in fun conversations with our friends like he does. When I contribute to group discussions, the mood tends to drop, in stark contrast to how people respond to him. - I often feel that my connection with our friends exists solely because they’re associated with him. - My boyfriend is really the only person I spend time with or confide in. I enjoy being with him and feel more self-assured around him. However, in group settings, I often feel overshadowed by his extroverted presence, becoming almost invisible. - He spends a lot of time with others, which leaves me feeling alone. Although I appreciate my alone time, it stings knowing I have no one to turn to when I seek social connection. Lately, I’ve begun to feel resentment towards my boyfriend, and I recognize that this isn’t fair to him. I know I need to make changes myself, rather than expect him to change, but it’s challenging to suppress those feelings. He is aware of my loneliness and the pain I’ve experienced from lacking genuine friendships. At times, he can sense when I’m feeling down and encourages me to share what’s bothering me. I find it difficult to express my emotions to him. I often bottle things up to avoid burdening him with my struggles, and I hate the idea of making him feel guilty about my situation. There have been nights when I've cried myself to sleep next to him, trying to keep quiet. Sometimes I find myself sobbing during the day, but he’s unaware because I turn away. When I do express my feelings of loneliness, he genuinely tries to comfort me, yet I often end up feeling worse afterward. He doesn’t grasp what I’m experiencing — he’s never known what it’s like to lack friends. I sometimes push him away, fearing I’ll take my emotions out on him, yet I’m also frustrated with him for not understanding my feelings. I love him deeply and don’t want him to feel guilty; I know this isn't his fault, but mine. I hope that by improving my communication with him, I can stop feeling resentful. How can I express my feelings to him without making him feel guilty or pressured? What’s the best way to share my emotions so that I feel understood and heard? And how do I manage my feelings overall?

Please assist me urgently.

I've been with my girlfriend for a year and a month now, and we're both 19. So far, everything has been going well. Our relationship has been solid—we’ve spent a lot of time together, met each other’s families, created countless memories, and supported one another through good times and bad. However, a month or two ago, I noticed a slight change in her behavior, which made me realize I had been treating her poorly. I had been dismissive, not really listening to her, and focusing mostly on myself. In response, I made a conscious effort to change my behavior—being less aggressive, more patient, and more attentive. But after making those changes, I started to feel uneasy and questioned everything, wondering if I had changed too late. It felt like the closeness we once shared was fading. I began to overthink whether she truly loved me for about a week or two until she reassured me, and for a brief moment, everything felt normal again. However, the next morning, I found myself doubting my own feelings for her, which made it difficult for me to be present with her even when we were together or on the phone. I recognize that my feelings for her are genuine; I've never experienced anything quite like this before. She brings me joy, I genuinely care for her, and I feel safe enough around her to cry in front of her. When we lie together, it feels as though we are a married couple. Though I’ve never been physically close with a girl before, being with her feels natural and comforting. I think my relationship anxiety stems from what I've read about love and relationships, which explains my persistent overthinking and loss of appetite over the last two weeks. I sometimes worry that I don't fully embody what love is supposed to be—like being free of jealousy or envy, because those feelings seem to arise for me, although it’s not specific to her. I realize this is more about my own struggles, and I'm committed to working on myself. I want to strengthen my connection with God and learn how to show love genuinely, because I truly want to be with her. Typically, when I feel stressed in a relationship, I tend to walk away, but this time has been different. Despite the anxiety and stomach aches that accompany me daily, the only relief I find is through distractions like watching YouTube, which is not sustainable. I want to confront these challenges, improve myself, and continue building a relationship with her. I understand it won't be easy, but I don't want to lose someone as caring, beautiful, and good-hearted as she is. We have similar goals, and she teaches me new things, though I occasionally feel envious, which I know is unhealthy. I’m working on being more attentive when she speaks as my attention span has been poor lately, unless I'm really engaged in something. I’m making an effort to put everything aside and listen more actively. I envision a future with her, maybe getting a dachshund and even having kids together. I know we’re young, but I feel a strong connection. I wonder if my childhood traumas contribute to my feelings since she's the first person who has genuinely made me feel valued. I hope that my anxiety is at the root of these feelings, especially since how I treated her in the past doesn’t align with the concept of love. But if it isn’t love, why am I so invested in wanting to change for her and introduce God into our relationship? They say love reveals your flaws, and perhaps that's what I'm experiencing. I’m recognizing aspects of myself that need improvement. There’s a belief that love shouldn’t be forced; yet with her, I experience the qualities people associate with love—comfort, happiness, and a sense of safety. Recently, I’ve been waking up with stomach pain and racing thoughts, which I attribute to relationship anxiety. I believe we might just be going through a rough patch, and if I can stick with it, we might emerge stronger than ever. I notice that the anxiety tends to fade when I binge-watch videos or engage in distractions, but seeing her sometimes triggers my worries because I’m scared of hurting or losing her.

What am I feeling?

I've been with my girlfriend for over a year now, and we’re both 19. Our relationship has been really positive, but I’ve found myself reflecting on my experiences with her in a way I never have before. Caring for her deeply has led me to self-analyze and identify areas where I can grow. In the past, I've done well in certain respects—like validating her feelings, really listening to her, and setting aside my pride. However, I know I’ve struggled with showing empathy and have occasionally let my jealousy and anger get the best of me. Recently, I've been motivated to improve our relationship even more. I've noticed that we don't argue anymore, which she attributes to my efforts to address my shortcomings. However, I sense that she might be holding back from sharing her feelings fully because she worries that I won’t understand her. I recognize where she's coming from, and I'll be there for her until she feels comfortable opening up again without fear of being invalidated. Being in this relationship has also illuminated my own flaws. I’ve realized that I can be envious and quick to anger, which isn’t the best way to behave. But she inspires me to be a better person—not just for her, but for myself and everyone around me. She encourages me to let go of past hurts, live in the present, and embrace positivity. In fact, she even motivates me to explore a relationship with Jesus and attend church, all in the pursuit of becoming a better man. I want nothing more than to share my life with her. I know we’re young, but this relationship feels like home to me. I can cry in her arms without feeling ashamed—she was the first person I ever cried in front of, and she makes me feel safe. Lately, I’ve found myself overthinking whether this is love, and I’m not entirely sure why. All the signs point to love when I’m not overanalyzing, but when I do, I start to feel like I’m holding her back from reaching her full potential. The Bible says that love is not envious or hateful, that it prioritizes the other person, and I know these are qualities I don’t yet fully possess. I’m committed to learning and growing, even considering therapy if that’s what it takes to be the partner she deserves. This is all so confusing because I genuinely care for her and have strong feelings, yet I find myself questioning our love. It feels like I’m being tested to see if what we share is real. But if I have the ability to love her in the way she needs, I’m willing to do whatever it takes because I want her, and I cherish everything that comes with being with her. My heart aches while writing all of this.

Am I a bad partner for not finding my girlfriend as attractive as I once did?

My girlfriend has always had long ginger hair that she styled in the cutest ways, like half-up-half-down looks and buns. She took great pride in her beautiful hair, and it was one of the things I loved most about her, especially her variety of styles. However, in December, she decided to cut it short, above her shoulders. I tried to gently talk her out of it, but she went through with it anyway, and now I find that I'm not as physically attracted to her as I once was. I genuinely dislike her new hairstyle. I still see her as beautiful and love her deeply, but I miss how elegant she looked with long hair. Since the cut, she’s been unhappy with her new look and wishes for her old hair back. Does this make me a bad person?

Am I really in love, or just imagining things?

I'm a 23-year-old woman and I've known a guy from my college for over four years now. I genuinely enjoy spending time with him and feel completely at ease in his presence. I've never been so open and vulnerable with anyone before. Even though I don't have romantic feelings for him, I often find myself thinking about spending my life with him in some way. I'm not entirely sure what that means. I've been diagnosed with severe OCD and depression, which makes it difficult for me to fully feel my emotions, leaving me uncertain about my feelings. We have a lot of mutual friends, but I still prefer talking to him above anyone else, even outside of typical couple activities. I feel like I can support and comfort him. I'm looking for thoughtful and genuine advice on how to navigate this situation. I don't want to cause any negativity, and I’m also mindful of not wanting to complicate his life, especially since I'm not very comfortable with physical affection.

My boyfriend (32) told me that he no longer finds me attractive.

For privacy reasons, I created a new Reddit account to ask this question. To keep it brief: I'm 27, and my boyfriend is 32. We've been together for seven years and have two kids. I was in good shape before pregnancy, but I've gained 25 kg and I'm struggling to lose the weight. My boyfriend has repeatedly expressed his dissatisfaction with my appearance, saying I'm not attractive. He claims to love me and stay with me, and that I should be grateful for that. I don’t feel grateful; instead, it makes me feel insecure, and I can't understand how he sees me that way. We've been arguing about this for a long time, and I’m unsure how to move forward. During our fights, he hints at breaking up but then reassures me that he doesn't really want that. I'm trying to lose weight, but I struggle with emotional eating, and his unhappiness makes it even more challenging. Being thin has always seemed to be important to him, which feels like a betrayal since I gained this weight while carrying our children. I know I made poor food choices, but my emotions were all over the place during pregnancy. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Is he right? Am I overreacting? Is he being insensitive? I'm feeling really lost right now. I'm 156 cm tall and currently weigh 83 kg.

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