Relationship advices: Low Self-Esteem and Personal Growth

Low Self-Esteem and Personal Growth • 10d ago

What does it feel like to be the toxic one in a relationship?

I’m a 31-year-old woman, and my husband is 36. We’ve been together for over 11 years and married for 4, but we don’t have any children. He truly is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I love him immensely; I honestly don’t know how I would function without him. He loves me deeply, too, and always stands up for me. He cannot tolerate anyone who disrespects me, whether it’s my colleagues, friends, or even our parents. It feels like it’s always us against the world, which I really appreciate. However, I struggle to match his level of support. I’ve been a people pleaser and an overachiever for most of my life, always wanting to be the nice person and avoiding conflict, even if it means making significant adjustments and compromises on my part. I’ve been trying to change this behavior for a long time, but I find myself falling back into the same patterns. When this happens, we end up fighting, and I feel miserable for both myself and him. Sometimes, I worry that I’m the toxic one in our relationship and that he deserves someone better given all he does for me. I tend to be very sensitive and cry easily, which I dislike about myself. He always comforts me when he sees me upset, even though I often cause the issues. I’m at a loss and feel like I’ll never be the better person that both he and I want me to be. Despite the trouble my tendencies have caused—often allowing people to take advantage of me—I find it challenging to learn from these experiences. There are times when I just want to give up. 😔 Please forgive any mistakes in my English!


Low Self-Esteem and Personal Growth • 15d ago

What strategies can I use to stop comparing myself to his ex?

I'm a 20-year-old woman struggling with self-confidence, and this weekend, I'm going to a small gathering for my boyfriend, Dan (21), and our friend, Mat, who is hosting a housewarming and Christmas party. Mat recently got engaged to his girlfriend, Sam, who he’s been with for nearly two years. Interestingly, Dan was in a situationship with Sam’s friend about a year ago. I often find it hard to feel good about my body and self-image. Although I’m fairly skinny at 5'6" and 130 lbs, I can’t shake the feeling that I have some “pudge” around my tummy because it isn’t toned. I also have what seems like a small butt, frequent acne, and not many friends. This weekend's party will have fewer than 17 guests, and Sam’s friend will be there too. Dan was uncertain about attending because of this history, but ultimately, he decided that supporting his friend was more important—especially since we’ll all be attending their wedding in less than a year. I'm feeling conflicted about how to handle this situation. I don’t want my insecurities to overshadow the event, but I worry that I won't be able to stop myself from comparing myself to her. If I choose not to go, I fear my imagination might run wild, and that could be even worse. I hate feeling so self-conscious, particularly about his past relationships. Dan has been with several people before, while I haven't dated since I was 15, and he's the only one I've ever been intimate with. He treats me incredibly well and is genuinely the best, but my anxiety and low self-esteem make me fixate on my perceived flaws. I often wonder if his exes were better in bed or more attractive. I'm at a loss about how to overcome these feelings. I’m tired of being hard on myself, yet I feel stuck in this mindset.


Low Self-Esteem and Personal Growth • 15d ago

Should I prioritize my own well-being or place more trust in her?

Hello! I'm a 21-year-old woman currently in a relationship with a 22-year-old woman. We've been together for 11 months, and I can honestly say that our relationship is healthy. She is incredibly kind to everyone in her life and always offers me reassurance when I have fears or concerns. She consistently demonstrates her commitment to us and has many exciting plans for our future adventures. Recently, she passed her board exam, while I'm in my last semester and will soon be preparing for my own exam. I find myself feeling anxious about what lies ahead in our journey together, so much so that I've even thought about breaking up with her (even though I love her dearly). I'm worried that if we were to break up, I might lose myself during my review period, and that it would affect my academic performance. How can I cope with the changes in our relationship? I'm seeking advice or stories from anyone who might relate to my situation. How can I manage my overthinking? Could my constant need for reassurance and worrying lead to an actual breakup?


Low Self-Esteem and Personal Growth • 15d ago

Setting Healthy and Appropriate Boundaries for Individuals with Anxious Attachment: 21F & 21M

I'm a 21-year-old female currently in a new relationship. We started seeing each other in September and officially became a couple in November. My previous long-term relationship was unhealthy and led me to develop an anxious attachment style. After that, I spent a year single focusing on rebuilding my independence and healing from a lot of trauma. However, as I navigate this new relationship, I notice some anxious tendencies resurfacing—overthinking, questioning every detail, and overanalyzing conversations. I recognize that this isn't healthy, and I believe that getting an outsider's perspective or reassurance might help me view things more clearly, rather than allowing my thoughts and emotions to spiral. Many examples of relationships in my life have been quite negative, the most significant being my parents' tumultuous relationship, marked by my father's abusive behavior. This background has definitely distorted my perception of what a healthy relationship looks like. I often find myself wondering how frequently couples should see each other. Right now, we meet 1-2 times a week and text at least once a day, even if it's just a brief message. Is inconsistent communication really a major red flag if the other person is genuinely busy? Sometimes my partner's responses can take hours, while on other days he's quick to reply. With both of us being university students during finals season, studying often takes priority. We rarely talk on the phone; we text daily, but phone calls are extremely rare. I previously came from a relationship where my partner wanted to be in constant contact, spending every day together and engaging in long conversations. This has affected how I perceive my current relationship dynamics. For anyone else who has experienced anxious attachment in past relationships, how did you cope in your new relationships? What strategies or approaches worked for you?


Low Self-Esteem and Personal Growth • 15d ago

What causes men to lose interest?

Why? Why do men act this way? I need answers. I'm seriously considering ending my relationship with my first love (M17) while I (F18) feel so unlovable, almost as if I'm begging for affection at this point. I took a gap year after high school, while he completed his senior year. When we were in school together, we instantly connected; we fell head over heels for each other, spending entire days wrapped in each other’s arms in the park, laughing until dark. It was pure magic. We even took the step of losing our virginity to one another, marking this as a special sexual relationship. For me, it was incredibly meaningful, but for him, sex seemed to be less significant. I believe this was influenced by his heavy consumption of porn, which may have contributed to feelings of disappointment towards me. I'm flat-chested, and I know his type leans towards curvy girls, which makes me feel inadequate. Even though he knew my body type, he often made comments that hurt, like, “I can’t wait for you to hit the gym and get a nice butt,” or “It’s okay that you have no boobs; you can still grow a nice bum.” I should have recognized these as red flags from the start, but I dismissed them, thinking he simply didn’t know how to communicate well since he had never had a girlfriend before. Nonetheless, these remarks made me insecure. I often found myself comparing myself to the girls at school I saw him notice. Still, he seemed to genuinely love me and always wanted to be around me. Now, I’m starting to wonder if his feelings were genuine or if I was just convenient for him. He would send me pictures of other girls with comments like, “Do your makeup like this” or “Wear this,” and I began changing my style and music preferences and using more makeup than I ever had just to please him. But it was never enough. I expressed how these comments made me feel, and he always insisted he was just “trying to help,” a notion I accepted at the time despite my doubts. Fast forward a year into our relationship, and I started to notice a shift. He wasn’t communicating like he used to; the late-night calls and all-day conversations faded away. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off and began questioning where the boy who loved me had gone. I started asking if he was cheating, why he wasn’t reassuring me, and why he didn’t seem interested in making me happy. He would redirect the blame onto me, saying I was starting arguments and that I was the one causing trouble, insisting I shouldn't worry because he loved me. Then, a month later, he revealed he wanted a break because he found other girls attractive. My heart shattered; it confirmed all my fears and doubts. The very next day, he changed his mind, promising he’d never leave me and that he loved me deeply. I wanted to believe him, but my trust was shaken, and my insecurity kept me from walking away. But now, it feels even worse. He seems completely uninterested, hardly calls anymore, and it's shocking how indifferent he can be when I would give anything for him, despite how he's treated me. I feel lost. If I lose him, I can't bear the thought of seeing him move on with the very girls I worried about throughout our relationship. I’m doubting if I’ll ever find love again, and I’m confused. Why was I attractive to him in the first place if I don’t fit his ideal type? I feel completely heartbroken. Please, I need advice.


Low Self-Esteem and Personal Growth • 24d ago

27-year-old female, 35-year-old male: I'm feeling really disrespected by my partner.

**27/F & 35/M** We welcomed our second baby in July, and I've been focusing on my weight. Despite my friends and family assuring me that I'm making progress, I still feel uncomfortable in my own skin and struggle with self-consciousness. Today, my spouse and I had a small disagreement. I asked for some help around the house, but I might have come across the wrong way. He is really into gaming and spends his mornings playing until lunch, takes a break for a few hours, and then continues gaming after dinner. It feels overwhelming! I gently asked if he could lend a hand instead of being glued to his gaming console. He agreed but told me to hold on for a minute. Earlier this morning, I was on the computer looking up weight loss recipes when he snapped, "What about you, fatass? You were on the computer this morning!" I was furious and wanted to unleash my frustration on him, but I would never do that in front of our kids. It really hurts to hear him say things like that, especially when I'm working so hard to lose weight. Then, after realizing I was upset, he tried to play it off by saying he was just kidding. 😡


Low Self-Esteem and Personal Growth • 24d ago

My boyfriend believes that therapy will help him change.

He’s a 25-year-old man who has a lot to work on, and as a 21-year-old woman, I’ve been encouraging him to seek therapy. He often insists that the patterns he struggles with are an inherent part of who he is, and he fears that therapy might change him. However, his triggers keep coming up during our arguments, and I don’t want to take on the role of a therapist in our relationship. Does this mean I’m more in love with his potential than with him? (He believes that’s the case.) I’d appreciate some different perspectives on this situation.


Low Self-Esteem and Personal Growth • 29d ago

Feeling the Need to Be Needed - is that truly a negative aspect? (M43/F39)

**TWO QUESTIONS from a self-reflective, emotional woman (39) living with my Prince Charming, also known as Dr. Robert Bruce Banner, a.k.a. The Conqueror (43).** Tonight marks the first time in four months of cohabitation that we will be sleeping apart—it oddly feels like we’ve done this forever. He made plans with friends, and I unintentionally chose to stay home (which I already regret). So here I am, lying awake with my anxious, overactive mind engaging in a deep conversation with myself. It’s dawned on me that I possess another trait associated with Borderline Personality Disorder: the need to feel needed. **A little about me:** I’m continually striving to become the person I wish to have as a partner. It’s been heartbreaking to realize that I am 100% accountable for the failures in my past relationships. However, this time feels different; I have the opportunity to avoid sabotage and be the best version of myself for him. **QUESTION #1:** I’m exploring ways to overcome this need but would genuinely appreciate advice on how to embrace and channel this trait positively to improve myself and my relationship with him. While I cherish my giving nature, I need to learn not to overlook my own well-being in the process of caring for someone else. I love others as I wish to be loved. I’m learning to extend that same love to myself, so I can recognize affection when it’s reciprocated and appreciate it fully. **About him:** He is my reciprocal, an incredible, charming, intelligent partner who I cannot imagine life without. My past has been filled with unique (and quite difficult) experiences, and I was in a tumultuous place when we met. Yet, we recognized each other's true love and life aspirations. Though he found me at my lowest, he sees my strength and leadership. He values my unique gifts and incredible potential, which were buried beneath the remnants of my past. He truly crowns me as his Queen and supports my success in every endeavor. Moreover, he is undoubtedly a King, and I am honored to be by his side, especially since he pursued me even after I initially turned down his invitations. **QUESTION #2:** In the event that he chooses to stay with me on my ‘self-growth journey,’ what advice could you offer him (aside from “be patient, be kind, be brave, and stock up on gray hair dye for New Year’s”)? Perhaps some encouraging words to reassure him that he’s not the first, nor the only, brave man willing to love a flawed, yet precious diamond? I believe our meeting later in life signifies that we are meant to navigate the journey together. Now, we’re ready for an unparalleled level of honesty and loyalty. Thank you for any insights you can share from either perspective.


Low Self-Esteem and Personal Growth • 1mo ago

30/F, 31/M - I'm unsure about how to love!

I'm a 30-year-old woman working in fintech, earning a respectable income. My boyfriend is 31, incredibly charming, and has a vibrant, outgoing personality with a wide circle of friends. In contrast, I tend to be more reserved and private, with just one or two close friends, and I prefer not to share much about myself. Social interactions can be draining for me. I worry that my behavior might be causing him distress. I thought I understood how to love, but it seems I'm either too intense or not involved enough. While I'm generally independent, I realize that in a relationship, emotional reliance is important for connection. This creates a dilemma for me: I either feel like I can't survive without him or that I could walk away without a second thought. I just want to enjoy a happy, healthy relationship filled with laughter and minimal conflict. How can I improve our situation? Any advice would be appreciated!


Low Self-Esteem and Personal Growth • 1mo ago

Struggling to feel love?

My boyfriend [23M] and I [22F] have been together for five years. While we've experienced our share of highs and lows, one issue that's been growing is his belief that he doesn't know what love feels like and that he's never truly loved anyone. He only recently came to this conclusion. When we first started dating, he used to journal a lot because he found it difficult to express his feelings and understand them. For our one-year anniversary, he put together a book filled with his journal entries about me. In his personal journal, he wrote beautiful things about how happy I made him and how much he missed being close to me. He often shared how being with me brought him immense joy, even during mundane moments. However, things have changed since then. He stopped journaling and feels as though he's lost touch with himself. He claims he's never experienced love before and that he must not have been thinking clearly when he wrote those entries. Doesn't that sound unbelievable? Surely he has feelings, doesn't he? I could really use some advice.


Low Self-Esteem and Personal Growth • 1mo ago

Looking for guidance on relationships

I’ll try to keep this straightforward. I'm a 25-year-old male in a two-year relationship with a 25-year-old woman. We've been engaged for about ten months. Lately, I’ve been feeling down, depressed, and generally unhappy, which has affected my sex drive. I left the military about a year ago and relocated for a new job, which my fiancée and I did together. We've been living together for most of our relationship, and overall, our dynamic is strong—we communicate well, share numerous interests, divide household tasks fairly, and rarely have conflicts. When we got engaged, I thought it was what I wanted; it may have come a bit sooner than I expected, but I was on board. As time has gone on, though, we haven’t made any wedding plans, and when the topic arises, I find myself lacking the enthusiasm to move forward. I can’t quite explain it—my mind says yes, but my heart isn’t ready. I love her deeply; she’s been my support and does so much for me. After discussing my feelings with her, I feel like I’ve completely shattered everything. I expressed my unhappiness, not knowing why, and stated that I’m not ready for marriage at this moment. Since then, I’ve moved to the basement for some space to think things through. I genuinely don’t want to hurt her, and this situation is tearing me apart. I don’t want to imagine life without her, but I’m uncertain about how to proceed. My indecision is overwhelming, and I’m starting to regret everything. I can’t pinpoint the reason I’m struggling to commit. We have a solid financial situation, good jobs, stable incomes, and virtually no conflicts. So how do I work through this?


Low Self-Esteem and Personal Growth • 1mo ago

I'm deteriorating from within.

I'm not sure if this is better suited for a mental health discussion, but I'm genuinely at a loss for where to turn. I recently started my first relationship over five years after divorcing my mentally abusive ex-wife, and I’m realizing just how much damage that experience has caused, often in ways I didn't even notice before. When I was single, I wasn't aware of these issues, but now it feels like I'm on a self-destructive path, and it's honestly terrifying. This is the happiest I have ever felt, yet I'm constantly worried that I'll say or do something to ruin it. Here are some of the thoughts that keep racing through my mind: 1. Why would she want to be with me? She could definitely find someone better. 2. What if she meets someone else and decides to cheat on me? 3. I'm so annoying; I'm going to push her away. 4. Why would anyone love me? I feel worthless. 5. Deep down, I know I'm just setting myself up for heartache—why prolong the inevitable? There are countless other negative thoughts that swirl around, but these are the main ones. My partner is incredibly sweet and caring. Sure, I annoy her sometimes, but I feel like I annoy everyone. She hasn’t given me any reason to doubt her loyalty, and I trust her completely. We share everything, including our unusual interests (which I know I need to ease up on), and we've established a foundation of total openness and honesty. Still, my anxious mind keeps telling me I'm not good enough. What can I do to address these feelings?