Relationship advices: Low Self-Esteem and Personal Growth

I'm a 20-year-old woman and I have a wonderful, caring, and respectful boyfriend. Despite that, I find myself subconsciously trying to distance myself from him. What can I do to address this, aside from seeking therapy?

We met around November, and everything is going well. However, I think I developed feelings for him when we met in person, but I find myself pushing him away when we text. I'm currently working on starting therapy. Thank you for your advice! xx

SEEKING ADVICE: I (21F) find myself comparing my social life to that of my outgoing boyfriend (21M), and it's leading to feelings of resentment toward him because I feel lonely. How can I express my feelings to him in a way that helps me move past this resentment?

**(Summary: I'm struggling to make friends while my boyfriend has many, which has led to some unfair resentment due to my own insecurities. I'm looking for advice on how to share my feelings with him in a way that fosters understanding for both of us.)** I created a burner Reddit account because I'm embarrassed and really need some guidance. Please bear with me as this is a bit lengthy. Socializing has always been tough for me, and I've repeatedly had difficulties forming and maintaining friendships, leaving me with a significant insecurity. I've always felt quite awkward, adding to my social anxiety. Currently, I'm undergoing cognitive behavioral therapy to help with this. In contrast, my boyfriend is very outgoing and sociable. It's impressive how easily he connects with others and leaves every conversation with new friends. Everyone adores him, and he truly lights up any gathering. He’s my best friend, and I genuinely admire him. We’ve been together for four years. As we're both in university, he’s made numerous friends, while I haven’t built any connections on my own. The friends I do have are those he introduced me to, as they were his friends initially. Here are the roots of my insecurities: - People regard my boyfriend as his own individual, whereas I feel perceived only as his girlfriend, rather than by my name. - When he walks into a room, people greet him warmly. In his absence, others ask me where he is, but I don’t receive the same engagement. - I struggle to engage in fun conversations with our friends like he does. When I contribute to group discussions, the mood tends to drop, in stark contrast to how people respond to him. - I often feel that my connection with our friends exists solely because they’re associated with him. - My boyfriend is really the only person I spend time with or confide in. I enjoy being with him and feel more self-assured around him. However, in group settings, I often feel overshadowed by his extroverted presence, becoming almost invisible. - He spends a lot of time with others, which leaves me feeling alone. Although I appreciate my alone time, it stings knowing I have no one to turn to when I seek social connection. Lately, I’ve begun to feel resentment towards my boyfriend, and I recognize that this isn’t fair to him. I know I need to make changes myself, rather than expect him to change, but it’s challenging to suppress those feelings. He is aware of my loneliness and the pain I’ve experienced from lacking genuine friendships. At times, he can sense when I’m feeling down and encourages me to share what’s bothering me. I find it difficult to express my emotions to him. I often bottle things up to avoid burdening him with my struggles, and I hate the idea of making him feel guilty about my situation. There have been nights when I've cried myself to sleep next to him, trying to keep quiet. Sometimes I find myself sobbing during the day, but he’s unaware because I turn away. When I do express my feelings of loneliness, he genuinely tries to comfort me, yet I often end up feeling worse afterward. He doesn’t grasp what I’m experiencing — he’s never known what it’s like to lack friends. I sometimes push him away, fearing I’ll take my emotions out on him, yet I’m also frustrated with him for not understanding my feelings. I love him deeply and don’t want him to feel guilty; I know this isn't his fault, but mine. I hope that by improving my communication with him, I can stop feeling resentful. How can I express my feelings to him without making him feel guilty or pressured? What’s the best way to share my emotions so that I feel understood and heard? And how do I manage my feelings overall?

Please assist me urgently.

I've been with my girlfriend for a year and a month now, and we're both 19. So far, everything has been going well. Our relationship has been solid—we’ve spent a lot of time together, met each other’s families, created countless memories, and supported one another through good times and bad. However, a month or two ago, I noticed a slight change in her behavior, which made me realize I had been treating her poorly. I had been dismissive, not really listening to her, and focusing mostly on myself. In response, I made a conscious effort to change my behavior—being less aggressive, more patient, and more attentive. But after making those changes, I started to feel uneasy and questioned everything, wondering if I had changed too late. It felt like the closeness we once shared was fading. I began to overthink whether she truly loved me for about a week or two until she reassured me, and for a brief moment, everything felt normal again. However, the next morning, I found myself doubting my own feelings for her, which made it difficult for me to be present with her even when we were together or on the phone. I recognize that my feelings for her are genuine; I've never experienced anything quite like this before. She brings me joy, I genuinely care for her, and I feel safe enough around her to cry in front of her. When we lie together, it feels as though we are a married couple. Though I’ve never been physically close with a girl before, being with her feels natural and comforting. I think my relationship anxiety stems from what I've read about love and relationships, which explains my persistent overthinking and loss of appetite over the last two weeks. I sometimes worry that I don't fully embody what love is supposed to be—like being free of jealousy or envy, because those feelings seem to arise for me, although it’s not specific to her. I realize this is more about my own struggles, and I'm committed to working on myself. I want to strengthen my connection with God and learn how to show love genuinely, because I truly want to be with her. Typically, when I feel stressed in a relationship, I tend to walk away, but this time has been different. Despite the anxiety and stomach aches that accompany me daily, the only relief I find is through distractions like watching YouTube, which is not sustainable. I want to confront these challenges, improve myself, and continue building a relationship with her. I understand it won't be easy, but I don't want to lose someone as caring, beautiful, and good-hearted as she is. We have similar goals, and she teaches me new things, though I occasionally feel envious, which I know is unhealthy. I’m working on being more attentive when she speaks as my attention span has been poor lately, unless I'm really engaged in something. I’m making an effort to put everything aside and listen more actively. I envision a future with her, maybe getting a dachshund and even having kids together. I know we’re young, but I feel a strong connection. I wonder if my childhood traumas contribute to my feelings since she's the first person who has genuinely made me feel valued. I hope that my anxiety is at the root of these feelings, especially since how I treated her in the past doesn’t align with the concept of love. But if it isn’t love, why am I so invested in wanting to change for her and introduce God into our relationship? They say love reveals your flaws, and perhaps that's what I'm experiencing. I’m recognizing aspects of myself that need improvement. There’s a belief that love shouldn’t be forced; yet with her, I experience the qualities people associate with love—comfort, happiness, and a sense of safety. Recently, I’ve been waking up with stomach pain and racing thoughts, which I attribute to relationship anxiety. I believe we might just be going through a rough patch, and if I can stick with it, we might emerge stronger than ever. I notice that the anxiety tends to fade when I binge-watch videos or engage in distractions, but seeing her sometimes triggers my worries because I’m scared of hurting or losing her.

What am I feeling?

I've been with my girlfriend for over a year now, and we’re both 19. Our relationship has been really positive, but I’ve found myself reflecting on my experiences with her in a way I never have before. Caring for her deeply has led me to self-analyze and identify areas where I can grow. In the past, I've done well in certain respects—like validating her feelings, really listening to her, and setting aside my pride. However, I know I’ve struggled with showing empathy and have occasionally let my jealousy and anger get the best of me. Recently, I've been motivated to improve our relationship even more. I've noticed that we don't argue anymore, which she attributes to my efforts to address my shortcomings. However, I sense that she might be holding back from sharing her feelings fully because she worries that I won’t understand her. I recognize where she's coming from, and I'll be there for her until she feels comfortable opening up again without fear of being invalidated. Being in this relationship has also illuminated my own flaws. I’ve realized that I can be envious and quick to anger, which isn’t the best way to behave. But she inspires me to be a better person—not just for her, but for myself and everyone around me. She encourages me to let go of past hurts, live in the present, and embrace positivity. In fact, she even motivates me to explore a relationship with Jesus and attend church, all in the pursuit of becoming a better man. I want nothing more than to share my life with her. I know we’re young, but this relationship feels like home to me. I can cry in her arms without feeling ashamed—she was the first person I ever cried in front of, and she makes me feel safe. Lately, I’ve found myself overthinking whether this is love, and I’m not entirely sure why. All the signs point to love when I’m not overanalyzing, but when I do, I start to feel like I’m holding her back from reaching her full potential. The Bible says that love is not envious or hateful, that it prioritizes the other person, and I know these are qualities I don’t yet fully possess. I’m committed to learning and growing, even considering therapy if that’s what it takes to be the partner she deserves. This is all so confusing because I genuinely care for her and have strong feelings, yet I find myself questioning our love. It feels like I’m being tested to see if what we share is real. But if I have the ability to love her in the way she needs, I’m willing to do whatever it takes because I want her, and I cherish everything that comes with being with her. My heart aches while writing all of this.

Am I a bad partner for not finding my girlfriend as attractive as I once did?

My girlfriend has always had long ginger hair that she styled in the cutest ways, like half-up-half-down looks and buns. She took great pride in her beautiful hair, and it was one of the things I loved most about her, especially her variety of styles. However, in December, she decided to cut it short, above her shoulders. I tried to gently talk her out of it, but she went through with it anyway, and now I find that I'm not as physically attracted to her as I once was. I genuinely dislike her new hairstyle. I still see her as beautiful and love her deeply, but I miss how elegant she looked with long hair. Since the cut, she’s been unhappy with her new look and wishes for her old hair back. Does this make me a bad person?

Am I really in love, or just imagining things?

I'm a 23-year-old woman and I've known a guy from my college for over four years now. I genuinely enjoy spending time with him and feel completely at ease in his presence. I've never been so open and vulnerable with anyone before. Even though I don't have romantic feelings for him, I often find myself thinking about spending my life with him in some way. I'm not entirely sure what that means. I've been diagnosed with severe OCD and depression, which makes it difficult for me to fully feel my emotions, leaving me uncertain about my feelings. We have a lot of mutual friends, but I still prefer talking to him above anyone else, even outside of typical couple activities. I feel like I can support and comfort him. I'm looking for thoughtful and genuine advice on how to navigate this situation. I don't want to cause any negativity, and I’m also mindful of not wanting to complicate his life, especially since I'm not very comfortable with physical affection.

My boyfriend (32) told me that he no longer finds me attractive.

For privacy reasons, I created a new Reddit account to ask this question. To keep it brief: I'm 27, and my boyfriend is 32. We've been together for seven years and have two kids. I was in good shape before pregnancy, but I've gained 25 kg and I'm struggling to lose the weight. My boyfriend has repeatedly expressed his dissatisfaction with my appearance, saying I'm not attractive. He claims to love me and stay with me, and that I should be grateful for that. I don’t feel grateful; instead, it makes me feel insecure, and I can't understand how he sees me that way. We've been arguing about this for a long time, and I’m unsure how to move forward. During our fights, he hints at breaking up but then reassures me that he doesn't really want that. I'm trying to lose weight, but I struggle with emotional eating, and his unhappiness makes it even more challenging. Being thin has always seemed to be important to him, which feels like a betrayal since I gained this weight while carrying our children. I know I made poor food choices, but my emotions were all over the place during pregnancy. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Is he right? Am I overreacting? Is he being insensitive? I'm feeling really lost right now. I'm 156 cm tall and currently weigh 83 kg.

My boyfriend mentioned that he thinks I appear heavier.

I'm struggling to process what just happened. My boyfriend recently mentioned that he thinks I look "fat" — not in an angry way, just said it casually like it was nothing. But honestly, it feels like my whole world has turned upside down. I've always felt confident in my body, or at least I thought I did. Ever since he made that comment, I've found myself fixating on every little detail, doubting my appearance, and I can't even look in the mirror without feeling awful. It's as if that one remark has shattered all the positivity I had about myself. I know he didn't intend to hurt me, but it still stings. It feels like he sees me differently than I believed he did, and that's making me question everything. I just want to regain my self-esteem. Should I let this go, or do I need to talk to him about it? I don't want to overreact, but it's really weighing on me. How can I move past this without letting his comment undermine my confidence? I could use some advice... I’m not sure how to handle this.

Finding ways to manage my ADHD so it doesn't negatively impact our relationship.

Hi everyone, I'm reaching out for some advice on managing a relationship where ADHD is a factor. I've been with my partner (F21) for four years, but I often find myself self-sabotaging in ways that impact both of us. While we can go months without any arguments, there are times, usually after minor disagreements, when I become overwhelmed with anxiety and tears. During these moments, I struggle to control my reactions and end up expressing a version of myself that I don't like, often feeling like I'm watching it unfold without knowing how to stop it. For example, if she occasionally feels tired and isn't in the mood for intimacy, I spiral into overthinking and panic, which makes a minor issue feel huge. This isn't something that happens often, but I can't help but treat it like a crisis. I find myself unable to sleep unless I get what I want, only to wake up and feel guilty about how I handled things the night before. Additionally, I tend to idealize weekend plans and feel crushed if she decides to spend time with a friend, especially after not seeing her for long stretches. I genuinely want to change this pattern—I know I'm a good person and a supportive partner, but I fear that my actions might make her see me differently. Does anyone have insights or strategies that could help me navigate this situation? Thank you!

My relationship (19M and 18F) is taking a toll on my mental health. What steps can I take to improve the situation?

I want to start by sharing my situation: I’m a 19-year-old guy, and I’ve been with my girlfriend, who is 18, for about four months. The first couple of months were great; we spent a lot of time together, cuddled, and talked for hours every day. However, things took a turn after those initial two months. She started being distant, with slow replies and a desire for space. I used to be somewhat cold and didn’t want anyone getting too close, but that changed when I became physically close to her. I really enjoyed holding her and being close, but now, for the past two months, she has seemed to withdraw both physically and emotionally. She tells me she’s still interested, but that just adds to my anxiety. For the last two months, I’ve been dealing with chest pain and high blood pressure that has even led me to the emergency room. I had a panic attack on New Year’s Eve while we were in another city with her best friend. I felt completely alone while they were occupied with their activities. What triggered my anxiety was overhearing them play a game I had bought her, and when a question about happiness in the relationship came up, they went silent and then laughed. That’s when I started shaking and couldn’t breathe; I had to leave the apartment in that moment. When I returned, she only asked if I was okay and didn’t offer much else. During our trip, she stayed on the other side of the bed, facing away from me every night. I’ve been feeling unwell for the past two months, and I’m at a loss about what to do. I’m afraid and don’t feel safe opening up to her anymore. She doesn’t initiate conversations but wants me to keep messaging her, and I’m struggling. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I’ve given her everything—emotionally, physically, and financially—as much as I could, and I wish she would reciprocate in some way. Instead, she always seems irritated. When I tell her I don’t feel like I’m enough for her, she reassures me that I am, but her actions don’t reflect that. Our conversations often end with a simple “fair,” and nothing changes. I know she has her own issues, and I’ve tried to be understanding, but I’ve changed so much for her that I don’t even recognize the person in the mirror anymore. My self-confidence has completely disappeared. I love her and don’t want to walk away, but this situation is becoming unmanageable for me. I’d really appreciate any advice or support, and I apologize for venting, but I can’t keep carrying this weight alone.

My boyfriend, who is 27, mentioned that I'm not at his ideal weight. I'm 29.

I’m a 29-year-old woman, and my boyfriend is 27. We’ve been together for seven years. Recently, during a casual conversation, we found ourselves discussing what attracts different people. He mentioned that I’m not really his type, but he likes me anyway. I found this confusing, but he insisted that he genuinely likes me. I tried to brush it off. Then, he suggested that I could lose some weight and even showed me what he considers to be his ideal body type, which is significantly smaller than I am. I told him that achieving that would take time and effort, something I had already been considering. He responded by saying he didn’t think I’d ever be able to reach that size. This left me feeling hurt, as it seemed he didn’t believe I could meet his ideal. The conversation shifted again when he asked if I’d ever thought about being with other people. I told him I hadn’t, but he admitted he had and wouldn’t mind hooking up with someone attractive and then never speaking to her again. This made me feel uneasy, especially considering he once said that I was the only girl who would date him. It makes me worry that he’s only with me because he thinks he can’t find someone else. Throughout our relationship, we’ve broken up several times, and he has always begged me to come back, even stating that if I didn’t want to be with him, we couldn’t stay friends. This complicates things since our families are friends, and I often find myself at his house. Now I’m left feeling confused and upset, especially since this all unfolded on Christmas. I'm unsure whether to continue this relationship or end it entirely. Please help me figure this out.

What does it feel like to be the toxic one in a relationship?

I’m a 31-year-old woman, and my husband is 36. We’ve been together for over 11 years and married for 4, but we don’t have any children. He truly is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I love him immensely; I honestly don’t know how I would function without him. He loves me deeply, too, and always stands up for me. He cannot tolerate anyone who disrespects me, whether it’s my colleagues, friends, or even our parents. It feels like it’s always us against the world, which I really appreciate. However, I struggle to match his level of support. I’ve been a people pleaser and an overachiever for most of my life, always wanting to be the nice person and avoiding conflict, even if it means making significant adjustments and compromises on my part. I’ve been trying to change this behavior for a long time, but I find myself falling back into the same patterns. When this happens, we end up fighting, and I feel miserable for both myself and him. Sometimes, I worry that I’m the toxic one in our relationship and that he deserves someone better given all he does for me. I tend to be very sensitive and cry easily, which I dislike about myself. He always comforts me when he sees me upset, even though I often cause the issues. I’m at a loss and feel like I’ll never be the better person that both he and I want me to be. Despite the trouble my tendencies have caused—often allowing people to take advantage of me—I find it challenging to learn from these experiences. There are times when I just want to give up. 😔 Please forgive any mistakes in my English!

What strategies can I use to stop comparing myself to his ex?

I'm a 20-year-old woman struggling with self-confidence, and this weekend, I'm going to a small gathering for my boyfriend, Dan (21), and our friend, Mat, who is hosting a housewarming and Christmas party. Mat recently got engaged to his girlfriend, Sam, who he’s been with for nearly two years. Interestingly, Dan was in a situationship with Sam’s friend about a year ago. I often find it hard to feel good about my body and self-image. Although I’m fairly skinny at 5'6" and 130 lbs, I can’t shake the feeling that I have some “pudge” around my tummy because it isn’t toned. I also have what seems like a small butt, frequent acne, and not many friends. This weekend's party will have fewer than 17 guests, and Sam’s friend will be there too. Dan was uncertain about attending because of this history, but ultimately, he decided that supporting his friend was more important—especially since we’ll all be attending their wedding in less than a year. I'm feeling conflicted about how to handle this situation. I don’t want my insecurities to overshadow the event, but I worry that I won't be able to stop myself from comparing myself to her. If I choose not to go, I fear my imagination might run wild, and that could be even worse. I hate feeling so self-conscious, particularly about his past relationships. Dan has been with several people before, while I haven't dated since I was 15, and he's the only one I've ever been intimate with. He treats me incredibly well and is genuinely the best, but my anxiety and low self-esteem make me fixate on my perceived flaws. I often wonder if his exes were better in bed or more attractive. I'm at a loss about how to overcome these feelings. I’m tired of being hard on myself, yet I feel stuck in this mindset.

Should I prioritize my own well-being or place more trust in her?

Hello! I'm a 21-year-old woman currently in a relationship with a 22-year-old woman. We've been together for 11 months, and I can honestly say that our relationship is healthy. She is incredibly kind to everyone in her life and always offers me reassurance when I have fears or concerns. She consistently demonstrates her commitment to us and has many exciting plans for our future adventures. Recently, she passed her board exam, while I'm in my last semester and will soon be preparing for my own exam. I find myself feeling anxious about what lies ahead in our journey together, so much so that I've even thought about breaking up with her (even though I love her dearly). I'm worried that if we were to break up, I might lose myself during my review period, and that it would affect my academic performance. How can I cope with the changes in our relationship? I'm seeking advice or stories from anyone who might relate to my situation. How can I manage my overthinking? Could my constant need for reassurance and worrying lead to an actual breakup?

Setting Healthy and Appropriate Boundaries for Individuals with Anxious Attachment: 21F & 21M

I'm a 21-year-old female currently in a new relationship. We started seeing each other in September and officially became a couple in November. My previous long-term relationship was unhealthy and led me to develop an anxious attachment style. After that, I spent a year single focusing on rebuilding my independence and healing from a lot of trauma. However, as I navigate this new relationship, I notice some anxious tendencies resurfacing—overthinking, questioning every detail, and overanalyzing conversations. I recognize that this isn't healthy, and I believe that getting an outsider's perspective or reassurance might help me view things more clearly, rather than allowing my thoughts and emotions to spiral. Many examples of relationships in my life have been quite negative, the most significant being my parents' tumultuous relationship, marked by my father's abusive behavior. This background has definitely distorted my perception of what a healthy relationship looks like. I often find myself wondering how frequently couples should see each other. Right now, we meet 1-2 times a week and text at least once a day, even if it's just a brief message. Is inconsistent communication really a major red flag if the other person is genuinely busy? Sometimes my partner's responses can take hours, while on other days he's quick to reply. With both of us being university students during finals season, studying often takes priority. We rarely talk on the phone; we text daily, but phone calls are extremely rare. I previously came from a relationship where my partner wanted to be in constant contact, spending every day together and engaging in long conversations. This has affected how I perceive my current relationship dynamics. For anyone else who has experienced anxious attachment in past relationships, how did you cope in your new relationships? What strategies or approaches worked for you?

What causes men to lose interest?

Why? Why do men act this way? I need answers. I'm seriously considering ending my relationship with my first love (M17) while I (F18) feel so unlovable, almost as if I'm begging for affection at this point. I took a gap year after high school, while he completed his senior year. When we were in school together, we instantly connected; we fell head over heels for each other, spending entire days wrapped in each other’s arms in the park, laughing until dark. It was pure magic. We even took the step of losing our virginity to one another, marking this as a special sexual relationship. For me, it was incredibly meaningful, but for him, sex seemed to be less significant. I believe this was influenced by his heavy consumption of porn, which may have contributed to feelings of disappointment towards me. I'm flat-chested, and I know his type leans towards curvy girls, which makes me feel inadequate. Even though he knew my body type, he often made comments that hurt, like, “I can’t wait for you to hit the gym and get a nice butt,” or “It’s okay that you have no boobs; you can still grow a nice bum.” I should have recognized these as red flags from the start, but I dismissed them, thinking he simply didn’t know how to communicate well since he had never had a girlfriend before. Nonetheless, these remarks made me insecure. I often found myself comparing myself to the girls at school I saw him notice. Still, he seemed to genuinely love me and always wanted to be around me. Now, I’m starting to wonder if his feelings were genuine or if I was just convenient for him. He would send me pictures of other girls with comments like, “Do your makeup like this” or “Wear this,” and I began changing my style and music preferences and using more makeup than I ever had just to please him. But it was never enough. I expressed how these comments made me feel, and he always insisted he was just “trying to help,” a notion I accepted at the time despite my doubts. Fast forward a year into our relationship, and I started to notice a shift. He wasn’t communicating like he used to; the late-night calls and all-day conversations faded away. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off and began questioning where the boy who loved me had gone. I started asking if he was cheating, why he wasn’t reassuring me, and why he didn’t seem interested in making me happy. He would redirect the blame onto me, saying I was starting arguments and that I was the one causing trouble, insisting I shouldn't worry because he loved me. Then, a month later, he revealed he wanted a break because he found other girls attractive. My heart shattered; it confirmed all my fears and doubts. The very next day, he changed his mind, promising he’d never leave me and that he loved me deeply. I wanted to believe him, but my trust was shaken, and my insecurity kept me from walking away. But now, it feels even worse. He seems completely uninterested, hardly calls anymore, and it's shocking how indifferent he can be when I would give anything for him, despite how he's treated me. I feel lost. If I lose him, I can't bear the thought of seeing him move on with the very girls I worried about throughout our relationship. I’m doubting if I’ll ever find love again, and I’m confused. Why was I attractive to him in the first place if I don’t fit his ideal type? I feel completely heartbroken. Please, I need advice.

27-year-old female, 35-year-old male: I'm feeling really disrespected by my partner.

**27/F & 35/M** We welcomed our second baby in July, and I've been focusing on my weight. Despite my friends and family assuring me that I'm making progress, I still feel uncomfortable in my own skin and struggle with self-consciousness. Today, my spouse and I had a small disagreement. I asked for some help around the house, but I might have come across the wrong way. He is really into gaming and spends his mornings playing until lunch, takes a break for a few hours, and then continues gaming after dinner. It feels overwhelming! I gently asked if he could lend a hand instead of being glued to his gaming console. He agreed but told me to hold on for a minute. Earlier this morning, I was on the computer looking up weight loss recipes when he snapped, "What about you, fatass? You were on the computer this morning!" I was furious and wanted to unleash my frustration on him, but I would never do that in front of our kids. It really hurts to hear him say things like that, especially when I'm working so hard to lose weight. Then, after realizing I was upset, he tried to play it off by saying he was just kidding. 😡

My boyfriend believes that therapy will help him change.

He’s a 25-year-old man who has a lot to work on, and as a 21-year-old woman, I’ve been encouraging him to seek therapy. He often insists that the patterns he struggles with are an inherent part of who he is, and he fears that therapy might change him. However, his triggers keep coming up during our arguments, and I don’t want to take on the role of a therapist in our relationship. Does this mean I’m more in love with his potential than with him? (He believes that’s the case.) I’d appreciate some different perspectives on this situation.

Feeling the Need to Be Needed - is that truly a negative aspect? (M43/F39)

**TWO QUESTIONS from a self-reflective, emotional woman (39) living with my Prince Charming, also known as Dr. Robert Bruce Banner, a.k.a. The Conqueror (43).** Tonight marks the first time in four months of cohabitation that we will be sleeping apart—it oddly feels like we’ve done this forever. He made plans with friends, and I unintentionally chose to stay home (which I already regret). So here I am, lying awake with my anxious, overactive mind engaging in a deep conversation with myself. It’s dawned on me that I possess another trait associated with Borderline Personality Disorder: the need to feel needed. **A little about me:** I’m continually striving to become the person I wish to have as a partner. It’s been heartbreaking to realize that I am 100% accountable for the failures in my past relationships. However, this time feels different; I have the opportunity to avoid sabotage and be the best version of myself for him. **QUESTION #1:** I’m exploring ways to overcome this need but would genuinely appreciate advice on how to embrace and channel this trait positively to improve myself and my relationship with him. While I cherish my giving nature, I need to learn not to overlook my own well-being in the process of caring for someone else. I love others as I wish to be loved. I’m learning to extend that same love to myself, so I can recognize affection when it’s reciprocated and appreciate it fully. **About him:** He is my reciprocal, an incredible, charming, intelligent partner who I cannot imagine life without. My past has been filled with unique (and quite difficult) experiences, and I was in a tumultuous place when we met. Yet, we recognized each other's true love and life aspirations. Though he found me at my lowest, he sees my strength and leadership. He values my unique gifts and incredible potential, which were buried beneath the remnants of my past. He truly crowns me as his Queen and supports my success in every endeavor. Moreover, he is undoubtedly a King, and I am honored to be by his side, especially since he pursued me even after I initially turned down his invitations. **QUESTION #2:** In the event that he chooses to stay with me on my ‘self-growth journey,’ what advice could you offer him (aside from “be patient, be kind, be brave, and stock up on gray hair dye for New Year’s”)? Perhaps some encouraging words to reassure him that he’s not the first, nor the only, brave man willing to love a flawed, yet precious diamond? I believe our meeting later in life signifies that we are meant to navigate the journey together. Now, we’re ready for an unparalleled level of honesty and loyalty. Thank you for any insights you can share from either perspective.

30/F, 31/M - I'm unsure about how to love!

I'm a 30-year-old woman working in fintech, earning a respectable income. My boyfriend is 31, incredibly charming, and has a vibrant, outgoing personality with a wide circle of friends. In contrast, I tend to be more reserved and private, with just one or two close friends, and I prefer not to share much about myself. Social interactions can be draining for me. I worry that my behavior might be causing him distress. I thought I understood how to love, but it seems I'm either too intense or not involved enough. While I'm generally independent, I realize that in a relationship, emotional reliance is important for connection. This creates a dilemma for me: I either feel like I can't survive without him or that I could walk away without a second thought. I just want to enjoy a happy, healthy relationship filled with laughter and minimal conflict. How can I improve our situation? Any advice would be appreciated!

Struggling to feel love?

My boyfriend [23M] and I [22F] have been together for five years. While we've experienced our share of highs and lows, one issue that's been growing is his belief that he doesn't know what love feels like and that he's never truly loved anyone. He only recently came to this conclusion. When we first started dating, he used to journal a lot because he found it difficult to express his feelings and understand them. For our one-year anniversary, he put together a book filled with his journal entries about me. In his personal journal, he wrote beautiful things about how happy I made him and how much he missed being close to me. He often shared how being with me brought him immense joy, even during mundane moments. However, things have changed since then. He stopped journaling and feels as though he's lost touch with himself. He claims he's never experienced love before and that he must not have been thinking clearly when he wrote those entries. Doesn't that sound unbelievable? Surely he has feelings, doesn't he? I could really use some advice.

Looking for guidance on relationships

I’ll try to keep this straightforward. I'm a 25-year-old male in a two-year relationship with a 25-year-old woman. We've been engaged for about ten months. Lately, I’ve been feeling down, depressed, and generally unhappy, which has affected my sex drive. I left the military about a year ago and relocated for a new job, which my fiancée and I did together. We've been living together for most of our relationship, and overall, our dynamic is strong—we communicate well, share numerous interests, divide household tasks fairly, and rarely have conflicts. When we got engaged, I thought it was what I wanted; it may have come a bit sooner than I expected, but I was on board. As time has gone on, though, we haven’t made any wedding plans, and when the topic arises, I find myself lacking the enthusiasm to move forward. I can’t quite explain it—my mind says yes, but my heart isn’t ready. I love her deeply; she’s been my support and does so much for me. After discussing my feelings with her, I feel like I’ve completely shattered everything. I expressed my unhappiness, not knowing why, and stated that I’m not ready for marriage at this moment. Since then, I’ve moved to the basement for some space to think things through. I genuinely don’t want to hurt her, and this situation is tearing me apart. I don’t want to imagine life without her, but I’m uncertain about how to proceed. My indecision is overwhelming, and I’m starting to regret everything. I can’t pinpoint the reason I’m struggling to commit. We have a solid financial situation, good jobs, stable incomes, and virtually no conflicts. So how do I work through this?

I'm deteriorating from within.

I'm not sure if this is better suited for a mental health discussion, but I'm genuinely at a loss for where to turn. I recently started my first relationship over five years after divorcing my mentally abusive ex-wife, and I’m realizing just how much damage that experience has caused, often in ways I didn't even notice before. When I was single, I wasn't aware of these issues, but now it feels like I'm on a self-destructive path, and it's honestly terrifying. This is the happiest I have ever felt, yet I'm constantly worried that I'll say or do something to ruin it. Here are some of the thoughts that keep racing through my mind: 1. Why would she want to be with me? She could definitely find someone better. 2. What if she meets someone else and decides to cheat on me? 3. I'm so annoying; I'm going to push her away. 4. Why would anyone love me? I feel worthless. 5. Deep down, I know I'm just setting myself up for heartache—why prolong the inevitable? There are countless other negative thoughts that swirl around, but these are the main ones. My partner is incredibly sweet and caring. Sure, I annoy her sometimes, but I feel like I annoy everyone. She hasn’t given me any reason to doubt her loyalty, and I trust her completely. We share everything, including our unusual interests (which I know I need to ease up on), and we've established a foundation of total openness and honesty. Still, my anxious mind keeps telling me I'm not good enough. What can I do to address these feelings?