I aspire to be the person I admire and might be in love with: me [20F] him [21M].

I've been involved with a guy, whom I’ll refer to as Jack, since last year. Recently, after things didn’t work out with another guy I was almost dating—let's call him Chase—I’ve started to realize that I may actually have feelings for Jack instead. I know it seems a bit questionable, especially since I was essentially exclusive with Chase and had been intimate with Jack a few times while pursuing Chase. However, Chase had led me on for months, assuring me multiple times that he wanted a relationship, so I don't feel guilty about it. Out of the blue, Jack reached out after a while of silence, asking how I was doing. We had a pleasant text conversation, and he hinted that he wanted to see me, offering compliments that caught me off guard since he typically doesn’t do that. He contacted me during a tough time in my love life, and it quickly became clear that I admire him much more than I initially thought. Previously, I hadn't felt any romantic connection with him, but now I find his maturity and stability really appealing. He seems to have his life together and is generally a reserved person. Oddly enough, his presence inspires me; I've liked guys before, but I never felt a desire to improve myself because of them. Since he reached out, I've only seen him twice. The last visit was different; we didn’t sleep together because I was inexplicably anxious, likely due to a subtle panic attack. He was very comforting throughout, asking me questions about my feelings and listening to me, even when I struggled to express myself. He was nonjudgmental and reassuring. At one point, while I lay in his arms, he mentioned that he doesn’t typically show emotions and has only cried a couple of times in his life. When I asked something—though I can’t recall exactly what—he replied, "It's not like I don’t feel anything right now." I was silent, unsure of what to make of that statement. After he left, my feelings for him only intensified. I've been grappling with waves of frustration, sadness, and even slight anger, wishing I could be more like him. On the surface, he seems so ordinary, yet so composed, managing his emotions far better than I do. It’s common to feel inspired by others, but I’ve been questioning whether that's all it is. Several times today, while doing mundane tasks, I found myself breaking down in tears, longing for the stability and calmness I perceive in his life. While some might suggest I have a lot of self-healing to work on, which is valid, this feeling is hard to articulate. It’s a mix of envy, admiration, and a sense of safety when I’m around him. I'm rambling, but I want clarity about this whole situation. I also wonder if my emotional breakdowns stem from an underlying fear of being hurt again—that perhaps he doesn’t really want me. I’ve gone through similar cycles so often, and it's exhausting. I’m not actively seeking love, but when someone like Jack comes into my life, I can’t help but see it as a possible sign. I’m uncertain whether Jack is just interested in a physical connection or if there might be something deeper, especially since he seems to comfort me so easily despite claiming to lack emotions. That feels contradictory. I’m also concerned that there might be something fundamentally wrong with me; I’ve never met anyone else who aspires to be like their crush. It's all very perplexing. If anyone can help me make sense of this, I would greatly appreciate it. I really want things to work out—with him, myself, and my life in general.