Relationship advices: Infidelity

I discovered over 25 hookup, threesome, cougar, swinger, and LGBTQ+ apps on my husband's phone. I'm 25 and he's 31.

The title says it all. I’m a 25-year-old woman, and my husband is 31. We met through a mutual friend three and a half years ago. Ever since discovering something unsettling about our past, my mind has been in turmoil. Just thinking about it makes me feel nauseous, and I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve been betrayed. We’ve been married for two and a half years. During our dating phase, I inquired about his previous relationships. He assured me that he hadn’t been in a serious relationship for a long time and that our meeting was serendipitous. I believed him—why wouldn’t I? From the start of our relationship, I noticed that his libido seemed low. I found myself initiating intimacy most of the time, as he never seemed to approach me. This issue left me feeling uneasy, and I confronted him about it several times since it genuinely concerned me. To me, a loving couple shouldn’t be intimate only three times a month. That figure just felt odd, but I tried to dismiss my negative thoughts. When I pressed him about our lack of frequency, I never got a clear explanation. He promised to improve things, but for a while, it seemed like it got better only to revert back to the same low point. We got married in early 2022, and I became pregnant in late 2023. He was attentive during my pregnancy and generally a loving partner. However, after our baby arrived, things returned to how they were previously, despite my numerous attempts to discuss it. I felt stuck in a cycle with him. I never suspected infidelity for various reasons, especially since his job is quite demanding, leaving him little time or energy for anything outside of work. However, I started to notice red flags: he was perpetually on his phone, often taking it with him to the bathroom for long periods, showing little interest in meaningful conversation, and not making an effort to plan date nights. He also liked photos of other women and followed accounts that were clearly about superficial appearances. Although I raised my concerns, he continued these behaviors, eventually deleting his Instagram after our ongoing arguments. Over the weekend, while my phone was busy playing white noise for our son, I borrowed his phone to look something up. I already knew his password, which seemed like a good sign. Something compelled me to search for Tinder in his App Store, and to my shock, I found not just Tinder, but over 25 other related apps, including ones for threesomes, cougars, LGBTQ+, swinging, and hookups. I was astonished at how desperate someone could be to download so many apps. Naturally, I confronted him about this discovery. He claimed he had just downloaded them and hadn’t created any accounts or used them, aside from Tinder. But how could someone download that many apps without engaging with them? It didn’t make sense, especially since many wouldn’t even let you proceed without creating an account. I tried to check when the apps were downloaded, but his settings were locked and required Face ID. When I insisted he unlock it, he hesitated to let me see, and I became increasingly anxious, fearing he may have cheated on me. Eventually, he revealed that he had last used Tinder early in our dating phase, and that he had subscribed to another app, racking up monthly charges of around $60. Now, he’s pleading for me to focus on our child and consider giving him another chance. I feel sick and have been crying for days. My instincts tell me he’s either cheated or will cheat. I want to leave him, but I’m unsure how he would react if I start the divorce process. I’m feeling lost and embarrassed to talk to my family about this. What should I do?

Am I a sex addict at 32 years old, or am I just seeking validation?

I'm not sure where to begin, but I'm currently in a long-term relationship that I consider pretty solid—we're both happy and have no major issues. I believe I’m an attractive guy; I notice women looking my way, and I stay active, run my own business, and own a nice house. Some women even make it clear that they’d like me to approach them, whether at work or the gym. Occasionally, they’ll ask if I’m single, and I always tell them that I have a girlfriend. Sometimes, though, I catch myself wanting to fall back into old habits, like visiting massage parlors or hiring escorts. While the physical pleasure is one aspect, I think it’s more about the thrill of their reaction when they see me aroused. I consider myself well-endowed, and I enjoy seeing how they respond. The experience feels like a challenge to me—watching someone take me fully has an appeal, especially when there's a contrast in comfort levels. I wonder if this is problematic. In past relationships, I often felt indifferent about them ending, thinking I could always revert to this "hobby" of paying for encounters. There are even communities out there that normalize this behavior. I love my partner, and this is a secret I plan to keep because I feel a certain shame about using services from women in those industries. Yet, the excitement I get from these encounters and the anticipation of the next one is addictive, though it can become expensive, and there are health risks involved. When the moment comes, it feels almost irresistible. This might be a contentious issue, but I wonder if this would be considered cheating while I'm in a relationship. The sex I have with my partner is great, but I can’t help but think that professional providers might offer something different due to their experience. I often daydream about those past experiences, even though I’ve resisted acting on these thoughts because the guilt would be overwhelming. There’s no emotional connection with these women; I pay for their time, and often I won't see them again since there are so many available. I’m contemplating speaking to a therapist. I hope to unpack my thoughts and feelings around this situation, hoping for some clarity on why I seem to be stuck in this mindset.

Summary: My long-distance girlfriend recently hosted her ex-boyfriend for a few days, and they shared a bed. She insists that nothing occurred between them and that they are just friends, but I’m struggling to trust her. I could use some advice.

I (M26, living in Canada) was on a call with my girlfriend (F22, living in Germany) when I asked her about her time with a friend who had come to visit. That's when she revealed it was her ex-boyfriend, who lives in a different city where she attends college. She mentioned they just hung out and smoked a lot of weed together. She had previously told me they were still good friends and that their romantic relationship ended on good terms, with both realizing they were better off as platonic friends. When I inquired whether they shared a bed, she said yes, but clarified that she had two blankets and they didn't cuddle. She also mentioned she had informed him that she would be visiting me next month. My main concern stems from the fact that she cheated on her ex with me, and I have no idea how many other guys she may have been with. I only learned about the cheating when I visited her two months ago. She and I met last March while backpacking, and she stated that her relationship with her ex was on the rocks when she went traveling. She believes he might know she’s been with other people, but it hasn’t been openly discussed. She expressed that she doesn’t want to hurt him or lose him because she now views him as a brother. I've urged her to tell him the truth, and she says she plans to do so next time they speak. I’m not against my girlfriend having a friendship with her ex; I was friends with mine too (even though that never quite worked out), but I could never share a bed with an ex while in a relationship—that feels like betrayal. I'm aware of what typically happens in such situations, especially with alcohol and late-night conversations involved. Maybe my perspective is skewed because I've had romantic involvement with my ex, but being a guy, I can understand how men generally think. My girlfriend is stunning, and her ex has his appeal (she even posted about him on her Instagram story during his visit). While she might see their relationship as purely platonic, a guy’s intentions with his ex are often more complicated. As I write this, I can’t help but feel foolish; the signs seem glaringly obvious. Yet, I truly love her and she loves me. She justifies her actions by stating she wants to avoid repeating the mistakes she made in the past with her ex. She acknowledges my discomfort and says she would feel the same in my position. She apologized and promised not to sleep in the same bed with her ex again. I want to take her at her word but I struggle to do so, especially considering a few factors. Recently, we haven’t communicated as much—she had college exams and was feeling unwell, which I understand, but even afterward, our communication didn’t pick up. It seemed to improve only after her ex’s visit. She mentioned she tends to overthink sending me messages and ends up not doing so. I was already anxious about this situation before our conversation. When I saw her post about her friend on Instagram, I felt insecure but tried to rationalize that it couldn’t be her ex. Unfortunately, it was. There are numerous red flags here. Am I overreacting? How can I trust her? I often overthink everything, and my mind tends to spiral into worst-case scenarios. The facts are troubling: she shared a bed with her ex while knowing it would make me uncomfortable, she’s been distant lately, she didn’t clarify that it was her ex visiting, she cheated on him with me and possibly others, and she hasn't told him about her infidelity. Although we’ve known each other for a year, we only started dating exclusively two months ago after my last visit. Her relationship with her ex is significantly deeper and longer. She wants me to move to Germany when my visa expires in September, and we’ve made all sorts of loose plans to travel together. At one point, she felt like a dream, but now it seems like that dream is fading. Sorry for the lengthy message, but she’s coming to visit me next month, and I could really use advice on how to navigate this uncomfortable situation. Thank you.

Am I in the wrong for communicating with someone else since my boyfriend keeps neglecting me?

I’m a 31-year-old woman, and my boyfriend is 33. We’ve been in a relationship for three years, but we’ve never met face-to-face—I'm based in Asia, while he lives in Africa. In our dynamic, I tend to be the anxious one, and he’s more avoidant. When we first connected, he was dealing with a breakup, and after just two weeks of friendship, he asked me to be his girlfriend, to which I happily agreed. Over time, he has played a significant role in helping me discover my purpose in life. He’s supportive and encourages me to improve myself. However, he comes from a very toxic family background, having experienced significant emotional abuse in his childhood, which has impacted his adult life. Early on, I offered to move to his country for work, but he declined, expressing a desire to become the best version of himself before making any commitments. I respected his wish, believing this process would take a year. Unfortunately, he hasn’t made any progress—he's still jobless and stagnant. Despite repeatedly promising to visit me, he never followed through. I let his lack of follow-through slide too many times, and now I feel he takes it for granted. Whenever he fails to keep even small promises, it leads to arguments, and over time, I’ve begun to lose faith in his words. I’ve consistently communicated my feelings and needs, but he tends to ignore them. When I express frustration, it often results in me saying things I regret, while he focuses on my tone instead of my concerns. Additionally, he has a pattern of blocking me on social media during our disagreements, which makes me anxious and disrupts my sleep. Meanwhile, he seems unaffected and messages me the next day as if nothing has happened. Despite my repeated pleas for him to stop this behavior, he continues to do it. We have a nightly ritual of calling before bed that we’ve never missed, and when he blocks me, it feels like he’s giving up on us. After one such incident, I reached my breaking point and messaged an old fling for comfort because I felt unloved. My boyfriend found out and nearly ended our relationship. Fast forward four months, things were still shaky, so I issued him an ultimatum: he needed to buy a ticket to visit by February 20th, or I would end things. However, given his history, I'm skeptical he will follow through. Whenever I seek reassurance, he tells me I’m pressuring him or threatens to hang up, which leaves me feeling like he’s just waiting for the deadline to walk away. Last month, after another blocking episode, I contacted the old fling again, and we’ve been casually chatting and calling whenever I’m ignored by my boyfriend—there’s no romantic involvement, just support on my part. Recently, my boyfriend lost a close family member. I reached out to comfort him, but he went silent for three days, leaving me worried, sad, and angry. Eventually, I made the difficult decision to end the relationship, as I had felt heartbroken for some time. I told him that I had been in touch with the "fling" again. It turns out that during those three days of silence, he was trying to arrange the funds to buy a ticket to visit me but chose not to communicate that at all. Now he’s accusing me of cheating. I recognize I shouldn’t have reached out to someone else for support, but his continued avoidance and emotional unavailability pushed me to seek connection elsewhere. In short, I’ve been navigating a long-distance relationship for three years with a boyfriend who often breaks promises and ignores my needs. His pattern of blocking me during fights increases my anxiety, and after one such instance, I reached out to an old friend for emotional connection (albeit without any physical involvement). Now he’s labeling me as unfaithful. Am I in the wrong?

I discovered my boyfriend chatting with AI girls and engaging in virtual intimacy with them.

I [18F] was looking for my boyfriend's TikTok password when I stumbled upon several AI sex bot websites in his saved passwords. While I can't access some of them, there are others I can. I checked out the chats and found him acting out sexual scenarios with these bots. A lot of the time, it seems like I was pregnant while he was engaging with them. I had already caught him watching porn before, and we were trying to move past that, but now I realize he's been hiding even more from me. I'm shaking and feeling lost about what to do next. Is this cheating? Am I overreacting by seeing it that way?

Am I supposed to go?

Hey everyone, This is my first time posting on Reddit, and I'm in need of some advice. I've been with my boyfriend for about eight years now. We come from very different backgrounds; my family is close-knit and loving, while his is more independent and reserved. As a hopeless romantic, I’ve always dreamed of being a wife and having a partner to navigate through life together. When our relationship became serious, we discussed our long-term goals. I mentioned that I wanted to be married by 30, but I’ve since realized that putting a timeline on these kinds of things just adds unnecessary pressure. I did make it clear that marriage is a deal-breaker for me. I also shared my experience of being cheated on in a past relationship, which left me with trust issues that I’ve worked hard to improve through therapy. Five years in, things were going well. We were living together at my parents' house and saving for a home. However, a few days before we were about to close on the house, I received a message from a girl who claimed she had gone out for drinks with him. She provided the texts, and although nothing overtly bad was said, there was definitely flirting involved. This shattered my trust, especially because I had just expressed my excitement about being intimate with him that day. Instead of ending things then, we went through a lot of apologies and reassurances. Honestly, I was just eager to move out of my parents' house and into my own space, so I pushed through. Two years ago, he faced some challenges at work and began drinking more. This was a tough time for both of us, and we broke up for a month. When he wanted to reconcile, I agreed. During our breakup, he became close with another girl. He says he quickly got over any feelings he might have had for her, but recently, I discovered that he hid a late-night call from her and lied about it. When I requested to meet her, he refused, leading me to say we needed to break up if he couldn't be honest. Three months later, I still haven't met her. He seems to think I would just let it go, and at this point, I feel utterly numb. I don’t want to burden him with my feelings, but I also wish for a partner I can truly trust and who prioritizes our relationship. I’ve always had a bit of a needy side, wanting to be happy and share my life with my best friend. However, he often puts himself first. I don’t have savings and definitely don’t want to move back in with my parents, especially with the skyrocketing rent here. I’m currently just getting by while feeling really down, and he seems completely unaware. As I write this, I realize there might not be any straightforward advice to offer. I simply needed to express my feelings. If anyone has an outsider's perspective or thoughts, I’m all ears—even if it's just a simple “girl, leave him.” At his core, he’s not a bad person, and he does care for me in many ways, but not in others. I’m not perfect either. So, do you think it’s too complicated now, and should I just face the reality and move on?

My boyfriend deceived me and claimed it was because he felt embarrassed.

I (34F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (31M) for nearly a year. We agreed to be exclusive about two months in, and he initially assured me he was not seeing anyone else. However, a few months later, I noticed a friend of his on social media who had viewed my content on TikTok, which raised some questions for me. He denied having any sort of relationship with her, claiming they were just Facebook friends. When I reached out to her, she confirmed she didn't know him in a romantic way. He later reassured me that he hadn’t been involved with anyone else during the past few months, aside from some casual dates that had gone nowhere. A few months down the line, during a disagreement, I pressed him to be honest about that girl, voicing that something didn't sit right with me. He eventually admitted they had been friends with benefits for a few months before we met. This prompted me to contact her again to ask why she had misled me. She then provided me with screenshots of his messages from when I first inquired, where he begged her to say they didn't know each other. The texts confirmed his story: they had spent the night together after our first date but never spoke again. She also expressed curiosity about their situation in her conversations with him. Later on, he confessed, after initially trying to dodge the truth, that there had been a couple more hookups before we started dating that he felt embarrassed to share. He often gets emotional whenever I bring it up, expressing remorse. Before his confession, I had asked him about the situation several times; he claimed he was embarrassed and thought I would judge him. Even during our initial confrontation, he shed tears while lying but still only confessed after I pressed for answers. While I have no reason to believe he has cheated on me since we've been together, this situation has understandably heightened my anxiety, especially given my previous traumatic divorce due to infidelity. I'm struggling to move past it and would appreciate an outsider's perspective on how much grace I should extend in this situation. We have been using Life360 for a while, maintain frequent communication throughout the day, and he voluntarily sought counseling after all of this came to light. I also have a young child who adores him, which adds to the seriousness of our relationship as we have discussed future plans, including marriage and children. What do you think I should do?

My female friend (22) sends me revealing pictures and touches me inappropriately.

My female friend occasionally sends me provocative pictures, like one where she’s wearing only a thong and in a revealing pose. Recently, we went to the gym together, and she mentioned that she only dresses that way when I’m around. She has also playfully touched my crotch several times; while I was fully clothed, it still felt very direct. This confuses me because we had always agreed on maintaining a platonic relationship. Normally, I might take such behavior as a sign of interest, but the twist is that she’s married. Now I'm unsure whether I should bring this up with her, as I might be misinterpreting her actions, but it all feels quite unusual to me.

My History is Looming Over My Marriage

I (43F) just married the love of my life (45M) three days ago. Unfortunately, my ex-husband (44M) sent a video of me performing oral sex to my new husband. As a result, my husband has left me. I don’t recall making this video and likely was very intoxicated at the time. I'm heartbroken, as is my husband, who has expressed doubts about being intimate with me in the future. What should I do?

Feeling lost and struggling with my husband, who shouts out names during intimate moments.

I'm feeling completely lost and confused! My husband has some really troubling issues. We've been together for over 10 years and have been married for 3, and we welcomed our baby last year. This is my first time posting on Reddit because I need guidance and I don't know where to turn. Throughout our relationship, he has cheated on me and had several one-night stands when we were dating. Since we got married, I haven't caught him in the act, but I know he visits massage parlors for “happy endings.” Lately, every time we have sex while drinking, he calls out the names of various women we know, which is incredibly disturbing. He even asks me to imagine other men we know while we're together, which is just beyond wrong. Last night it reached a new low when he mentioned a friend's wife, whom we had just been hanging out with. I don't understand how his mind works or how he views women. I'm feeling really judgmental toward him right now! He claims to love me deeply, but this side of him is perplexing. Are all men like this? My friends tell me that men act out in different ways, but I don't know if I should just accept this or what steps I should take. I'm deeply hurt, and it brings back memories of when he cheated on me. Now that we're married with a child, I can't seem to view him the same way anymore. I'm really at a loss. Is this enough of a reason to consider ending our marriage? I worry about our baby and what that would mean for my future. I'm only 32 and he's 42; I'm so frustrated with him for how he has affected my youth. I really need help.

I feel it’s important to share what occurred: I was unfaithful.

My partner (19f) and I (20m) connected through a dating app, and what we shared was pretty special. However, we weren't officially a couple when I cheated on her. The cheating happened about eight months into our relationship. Up until that point, we had what felt like an open relationship; we both could see other people but were expected to keep things from getting too intimate. I believed that this arrangement was a good idea—or perhaps I didn’t think it through at the time. I’ve always been shy and socially anxious, which made me want to explore and connect with more people. I felt like I was missing out on truly experiencing my youth, especially since dating apps made it easier to meet others. My partner didn't really connect with most of the people she met, and those she did like didn't spark much interest in her. I met another girl, and while I didn't feel a strong connection initially, we continued to chat and hang out casually. At one point, my partner expressed that she felt I was crossing boundaries. She said it was okay for me to keep talking to the other girl, but if I did, she would walk away from our relationship. I cried for the first time in front of her, and we ultimately agreed that I shouldn't see the other girl anymore, and we would end our open relationship. But then we decided to reopen things, and I ended up hanging out with that girl again, going out, and eventually having sex. I cheated. At that moment, I thought we had just closed the open relationship, not that I was prohibited from seeing the other girl. To this day, I don’t distinctly remember making that decision, but I want to move forward and make things right with my partner. I know she's been through a lot because of this; she was devastated and cried for months. After I cheated, we tried to establish a more official commitment, like saying we "owned" each other. I love her deeply and would do anything to be together again, even though I know it would be incredibly challenging. I care for her more than I can express. And by the way, I’m new to Reddit and I’m not sure what the 'reflections flare' means—sorry about that!

My girlfriend, who is 22, disregarded one of my boundaries. How can I work to repair our relationship?

This is a new experience for me, as I’ve never sought help from strangers online before. I've spoken to some friends and family about my situation, but I would also like to get perspectives from others I don’t know. Here's what’s been going on: My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly three years and moved into our first apartment about six months ago. Prior to that, we had a long-distance relationship, with her living just over an hour away. We kept in touch daily on Discord, spending hours playing games or just hanging out. I’ve come to love her deeply, and I feel that our feelings for each other are mutual. However, issues began to arise two or three months after we moved in together. She had been writing roleplays within the Naruto universe with a close friend, putting a lot of thought and time into it. After we settled in, she began looking for new partners online for more stories. I was fine with this since it was a hobby of hers, but I made it clear that I wasn’t comfortable with her including any sexual content in these roleplays, as I wouldn’t feel comfortable knowing she was creating intimate scenes with someone else. Just to note, my girlfriend tends to be shy about sexual topics with me. We don’t engage in sexting or send nudes because she doesn’t want to, and that’s why it would upset me if she shared intimacy— even through characters and stories— with a stranger online. She agreed to my condition, and we moved on from the discussion. After a while, she started to write with two regular partners, one man and one woman, and even spent some of her free time with them. At first, I didn’t mind, but things changed when she began to call the guy almost every night. I was okay with it until one night, she was in the bedroom on a call with just him, and I felt a bit uneasy. While going to the bathroom, I couldn’t help but eavesdrop a little. At first, their conversation was casual, discussing family matters, but then I overheard a strange tone from the guy. I only caught the word “clit,” and my heart sank. It got worse when my girlfriend responded with “fuck me.” I confronted her. She was fully dressed, just sitting on the bed, and claimed it was all for their story, but that was precisely the boundary I had set. We had a discussion about it, and I was willing to forgive her, but I told her I wasn’t comfortable with her maintaining contact with that guy. She assured me she understood and wouldn’t continue talking to him. However, my suspicions lingered. Just a few days later, I unlocked her phone, checked Snapchat, and found that the chat with him was still active, with her last message sent only an hour earlier. We talked it over again, and I forgave her once more. Now that I’m writing this all down, I can’t believe I didn’t end things after finding the chat, but my feelings for her are just so strong. I hope someone out there reads this lengthy account and shares their thoughts with me.

I'm a 48-year-old man, and I'm growing more and more suspicious of my 38-year-old wife. She's suddenly been staying late at work, dressing up more often, and recently went on a "work trip." Am I just imagining things?

Lately, my wife has been putting in a lot of hours at work, claiming she's trying to earn some extra overtime pay. I'm usually not the jealous type, but something feels off. She spends most of her days at work, and when she's home, she's often preoccupied with the kids and seems to be ignoring me. I've shared my feelings with her, but she brushed it off by saying we really need the extra money. Here's where I start to question whether I'm overreacting. When she came home from work today, she informed me that she accepted a 'project job' that will keep her away for three weeks. I can't shake the feeling that she might be having an affair or at least using this as an excuse to spend time with someone at work. It strikes me as odd that I express my need for more attention and she responds by committing to a job that requires her to be away. Her justification is the financial benefit, as she'll be working for 18 straight days with long hours. I truly adore her, but I feel like our relationship is losing some of its spark. I worry that she's overworking herself and needs to take a break, or she risks burning out. I'm doing my best to support her: I handle the kids, cook meals, and help with the housework, yet she hardly acknowledges my efforts. Now, I'm starting to fear that she could be involved with someone else or clandestinely having an affair, especially since she's been staying late at work, which was never the case before. Her increased hours seem suspicious, and while I’m aware of the financial gain, I can't shake the feeling that there’s more to it. Another concerning factor is that she's been consistently going to the gym during her lunch breaks at work for the past six months, often wearing really attractive outfits. One day, I even saw her in a rather revealing lacy underwear. All of these signs are overwhelming, but I can't be certain, and I also recognize that we need the income. I find myself feeling anxious and on edge; I’d love to have a drink to calm down, but I’ve been sober for so long. I just need to know if I’m being paranoid or if there’s a valid reason to be concerned. Is there something going on that I'm not aware of? How should I discuss my worries with her? P.S. I want to clarify that I’m not solely dependent on her income. I also contribute financially through my work at convention centers, birthday parties, and events as a magician and performer. While my work isn’t always stable—especially with fewer birthdays in January—I’m also starting a podcast called "Basketball and Chill" to cover the NBA, WNBA, and pop culture, which means I'm busy supporting our family financially, not just handling household responsibilities.

The client's husband reached out to me via DM regarding their "affair," and he has since removed their text conversations.

This is lengthy because the guidelines require it to be comprehensive and precise. I, a 42-year-old woman, and my husband, a 32-year-old man, are in the process of getting a divorce. He works as a tattoo artist and had a client who raised red flags for me from the beginning. She spent a considerable amount of money and time with him, frequently giving him gifts like books, vapes, and food, along with generous tips. When I expressed my concerns, he brushed them off, claiming that her feelings didn't matter since he didn’t feel the same way and was merely benefiting financially from her patronage. A few weeks later, I received a direct message on Instagram from this client, admitting that they had been intimate and that she regretted damaging both her marriage and ours. I showed the messages to my husband, and he was visibly terrified—I've never seen him so panicked. Initially, I thought he was worried I'd believe her claims, but now I'm uncertain. He immediately tried to call her, but she rejected his calls and blocked him. He then informed the shop owner, who described her as unstable, mentioning that she had threatened to harm herself and had a history of overdoses (she works as a nurse). He also contacted another tattoo artist who confirmed that the client had reached out to her and seemed very disturbed. Later that night, as we were settling down for bed, I reassured him that I didn't believe he had cheated but that this entire situation made me very uncomfortable and would take time for me to process. I explained that I would likely have questions and would seek comfort during this time. He appeared to understand and accept this. I asked to see their text messages, but he told me he had deleted them. When I inquired why, he said he didn’t want reminders of her and what had happened; I was taken aback by this response. After trying to discuss it further, he eventually told me to stop bringing it up, suggesting that since I seemed to think he cheated and didn't trust him, I should just leave. So, I stopped bringing it up. Now that we're going through the divorce, I've been journaling about the ways he has hurt me. As I was writing down examples, I noted “not respecting my wishes or trusting my instincts,” which triggered those feelings all over again. I confronted him about it the other night, and he told me he deleted the messages to prevent his words from being misinterpreted. I countered that you can’t misinterpret written words, but that ended the conversation again. I'm left with two main thoughts: either she was inappropriate and he didn’t put a stop to it, or there was something inappropriate in their communications. I feel I deserve more clarity, but it seems unlikely I’ll receive any. What do you think? Consider the possibilities: he cheated, failed to shut down inappropriate behavior, or engaged in mutual inappropriate conversation. If it were the second option, I might reconsider my decisions, but I know that if the roles were reversed, he would have left me. It’s extremely frustrating that, alongside my reasons for choosing to divorce, this situation keeps resurfacing in my mind. I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality—he has a pattern of causing me pain while somehow portraying himself as the victim. Perhaps the answer is glaringly obvious, and I'm overthinking it. Still, I would appreciate hearing the perspectives or experiences of others. Thank you for taking the time to read this. TL;DR: My husband deleted a text conversation with a client who claimed he cheated on me. His justifications seem weak, and I'm left questioning everything. I'm uncertain: did he cheat, neglect to address inappropriate comments, or was there a mutual exchange of inappropriate messages?

My (23M) girlfriend (21F) messaged an ex. Should I be worried?

My girlfriend and I, who have been together for seven months, ended up going through each other's phones (I know, not the best idea). After some thorough searching in late December, I discovered that she had texted an ex about hanging out back in October. When I confronted her about it, she explained—despite our previous discussions on this topic—that she felt I wasn’t that into her during that time, and she genuinely thought I might leave her since we had a tough month. To cope with those feelings, she reached out to him for attention, knowing he was always eager to engage with women. I found these messages by texting him from her phone, asking “Hey, I forgot where we left off” and “I deleted our messages; could you refresh my memory?” He was very eager to meet up with her in person and eventually sent me screenshots of their October conversations, where she mentioned hanging out on Halloween and made similar plans a week earlier. He remarked that she would ask to get together but would then completely ghost him. So, does this mean her texts were purely for attention, or was there something more serious behind them? This situation really made me reflect on how I had made her feel.

Is there a way to recover from this?

I've been in a relationship with my (now ex) boyfriend for just over a year. I'm 25, and he's 26. Recently, I found out that he hasn't been completely faithful. I discovered he had been frequenting bars, talking to other girls, and even getting their numbers, although he didn't text them afterward. To make matters worse, I stumbled upon a folder on his laptop filled with hundreds of photos of partially clothed women—some of whom are colleagues and friends, not just Instagram models. I feel incredibly betrayed, especially since he's always presented himself as Mr. Nice Guy. While he has generally been a decent boyfriend, there were moments when he made rude comments about my appearance, brushing them off as jokes, and instances where he’d cancel plans at the last minute. However, on the whole, he was loving. After I learned about his infidelity, I ended the relationship. Now, he’s been relentlessly messaging me, asking for another chance. I’m torn—I don’t want to seem foolish by taking him back, but I really thought we had a future together. What would you do in my situation?

I shattered my boyfriend's trust.

So I've been in an on-and-off relationship with my boyfriend [28M] for about a year. One night, I went out with friends, had a few drinks, and ended up doing cocaine with a group of them, including a guy I didn’t know who was around my age and had the drugs. When it was time to go home, he couldn’t drive because he was too drunk, so he came with us. We ended up playing games and using cocaine until early morning—definitely not my best choice. I ended up getting his contact information because I knew I might want to buy more cocaine from him later. Our chat felt innocent; I told him I had a boyfriend and that I was only looking for drugs. After he left, I kind of hoped he’d come back, but it was mainly because I wanted more cocaine. I didn't want my boyfriend to find out I was using, so I deleted all the texts. I didn’t respond to my boyfriend's messages for about two hours, which understandably made him anxious since he can be a bit jealous. I feel really guilty and ended up confessing everything to him. I’m really torn—part of me doesn’t want to label this as cheating, but what if it qualifies as micro-cheating? I just want to cry because I love my boyfriend so much. He has a tendency to investigate, and I'm worried he might find the guy's number in my blocked contacts and confront him. The truth is, I didn’t cheat, but I can’t control what this guy might say. What if my boyfriend ends up believing I did and decides to leave me? I really need some advice here.

Tricky scenario '33F'

I'm a 33-year-old woman who’s often described as attractive, popular, and fit, with plenty of friends and a generally cheerful disposition. Recently, I entered into a wonderful relationship with a 39-year-old provider, and I genuinely love him. He’s sweet, a fire sign, and very attentive—he’ll bring me food and happily give me foot rubs every night if I ask, as well as take care of my bills. He always comes home on time, and we’re approaching four months together. However, our intimate life has dwindled to once a week, if I’m lucky. When I ask him about it, he insists that everything is fine. It used to be four or five times a week, which is why I started checking his phone at night. We both have each other's passwords, so it felt justified. In his deleted messages, I discovered that he was using an escort text line to request a quick visit. This has left me heartbroken. I tried to bring it up with him, but I was hesitant to admit that I had looked through his deleted messages. I asked him to communicate with me if something was wrong or if he wanted to take a break, but he acted oblivious and wanted me to clarify. I couldn’t bring myself to do that. I’m truly in love with him, and I recognize that no one is perfect. The thought of breaking up is daunting—not only am I financially dependent on him, but our families are intertwined, and we’ve been together for three years. How should I go about confronting him?

Why do I let my emotions guide me so much? How can I make better decisions in life?

Hi, I'm a 28-year-old woman. I was in a three-year relationship with a 28-year-old man. We come from different backgrounds, and he had mentioned that it would be challenging to convince his family, but he promised he would do his best. As time went on, I grew increasingly convinced that he wouldn't be able to convince his family since I didn't see him making significant efforts. He made a few attempts, but they didn't feel substantial enough to me. When my family started pressuring me to look for a husband, I asked him to make a final decision, allowing me to move on if necessary. Ultimately, he told me he couldn't leave his family, so I decided to let go. However, he wanted to stay in touch until I found someone else. I knew it was not the right thing to do, but he insisted we could just be friends. Our communication decreased to brief exchanges every few days. I realize this was a mistake, but I was overwhelmed by my emotions. During this time, my parents introduced me to a profile of a potential arranged marriage candidate. Thinking I would just humor the family and tell them I wasn't interested, I agreed to engage with him. To my surprise, I began enjoying our conversations and developed a meaningful connection. After a couple of months, I expressed my feelings, believing he was a great match for me. While I had feelings for him, I was still in touch with my ex, which I know is wrong. My intentions weren't to betray anyone; I was perhaps still influenced by my ex's insistence that we could remain friends until I found someone. Eventually, the arranged marriage guy discovered my past with my ex and the lies I told him. He felt deeply hurt and betrayed. I understand that I wronged him, but I thought once we informed our families of our intentions to marry, I'd end things with my ex for good. I intended to do this sooner, but I thought everything would work out once we took that step. Unfortunately, before I could move forward, everything fell apart, and I feel like I've lost a truly wonderful person. I genuinely had feelings for the arranged marriage candidate but made a series of poor decisions. Now he hates me, and we are no longer together. I'm struggling to understand why I acted this way despite knowing the potential consequences. I tend to be very emotional and often make the wrong choices. **TL;DR - I want to understand why I did this. Is it possible to get that person back in my life?**

Challenging circumstances in a budding relationship

I'm a 33-year-old woman, attractive and well-liked, with a great social circle and a positive outlook on life. I've recently entered a wonderful relationship with a generous 39-year-old man whom I truly care for. He's thoughtful, a fire sign, and is so attentive—often bringing me food and giving me foot massages every night if I ask. He also takes care of my bills and comes home on time every night. We're approaching the four-month mark in our relationship, but I've noticed our intimacy has dwindled to just once a week, if I’m lucky. When I ask him about it, he reassures me that everything is okay, despite it previously being four or five times a week. This shift made me feel compelled to check his phone at night, even though we both have each other's passwords. In the deleted messages, I discovered that he was using an escort messaging service and inquired about a quick visit. I was devastated. I attempted to bring it up subtly, but I didn’t want to reveal that I had snooped. I asked him to communicate openly if something was wrong or if he needed a break, but he seemed oblivious and insisted I clarify my concerns. I wanted to speak up but felt stuck. If we were to part ways, not only would I face financial challenges, but our families are intertwined, having known each other for three years. How should I confront him about my findings? **TL;DR:** I've noticed a decline in our physical relationship and found evidence of him seeking escorts. I'm heartbroken and unsure how to confront him about it.

[35M] I've uncovered details about my wife's [37F] past that are difficult for me to process. I need some support.

I'm posting anonymously for obvious reasons. So, yesterday, my curiosity got the better of me. I came across my wife's old phone in a drawer, guessed her PIN, and decided to take a look. I know it's wrong, but I was curious. I didn’t find much in her photo library, just a few softcore selfies. That wasn’t too surprising, as I figured she tends to keep things clean. I couldn't see her chat history because she usually deletes those conversations anyway. However, I did come across a period tracker app. As I swiped through it, a realization hit me. The app allows you to track sexual activity, including whether it was protected, and even notes about orgasms and contraceptive use. It turns out she hasn’t been on birth control for quite some time, despite tracking a few months when she was. More alarmingly, she had noted down various names—some appeared consistently for weeks, while others were one-offs. Several of these encounters were marked as unprotected, and I saw entries for two threesomes, one of which was also unprotected. Unfortunately, I can only see a little over a year’s worth of data because she changed phones, so I don’t know if this behavior has been ongoing for longer. She's told me before that she had been with three guys, never had a one-night stand, and definitely never had a threesome. All of that appears to be untrue. I had my doubts before based on certain hints she dropped, but she would get upset if I ever brought it up. We've been together for three years and have a one-year-old daughter. I’m really at a loss about how to address this without revealing what I found; I fear that could end our relationship, and I don’t want that. Right now, I can’t even look her in the eye or express my feelings. How should I approach this situation and figure out the next steps? TL;DR: I discovered that my wife has significantly downplayed her sexual history.

I'm a 41-year-old woman seeking advice about my relationship with my boyfriend, who is also 41. I'm feeling uncertain and could use some guidance. Any suggestions?

**Buckle Up**—I want to begin by saying that I genuinely consider myself a kind person who gives a lot to others without expecting anything in return. I typically don’t voice my frustrations, but here we are. I (41F) have been in a relationship with a guy (41M) for the past two years. He initially swept me off my feet, claiming to be a successful business owner and a six-figure earner who could manage on his own despite his visual impairment. He assured me that he was looking for a serious relationship, something he had never found before, and my friends even vouched for his character. Having spent much of my life financially supporting my boyfriends and their families, it was refreshing to meet someone who didn't seem to need that kind of help. At the time, I was in a job I despised, although I enjoyed the work itself; it was just the people I struggled with. We started dating in January 2023, but by March, something felt off. I found out that he had been seeing other women since the very beginning. While some approach dating like a game, I see it differently. For me, dating is about assessing whether someone is marriage material; otherwise, there’s no reason for me to label them as anything more than a friend, and I don’t sleep with my friends. He was aware of my stance from the start but chose to disregard it, continuing to cheat throughout our relationship. I even caught another woman at his place once. We attempted to reconcile through counseling, but I eventually stopped when it became clear he had no intention of being faithful. I also ceased contributing to his household because, frankly, why should I? I know I should have walked away, but after receiving repeated apologies, I felt stuck. Our lack of chemistry in the bedroom and his substance abuse issues, which he claims lead him to cheat, have complicated matters. I’ve told him that our relationship can only improve if he commits himself solely to me, but I keep finding evidence that he hasn’t changed. There are so many stories that illustrate this situation. Along the way, he has criticized me for not cleaning or cooking enough, insisting I’ve not been supportive. In reality, I do help out but have scaled back because it’s hard to go all out for someone who doesn’t reciprocate. I went from being his live-in girlfriend to more of a caregiver. I usually drop my son off at school and then prepare meals or take him out to eat, recognizing that he needs assistance. I might let his dog out or take her for occasional walks, but I stopped cleaning the house entirely. So, why do I stay? Honestly, I keep searching for a reason to remain in this relationship. We generally get along and enjoy each other's company—even when we clash over political issues, it rarely affects us. We share good times and affection. Yet, I’m missing the loyalty I need from a partner. Now to the core of my dilemma: I feel used, and when I withdrew the "relationship perks," suddenly I’m deemed "not enough" for him. He’s had many women come and go, seeming to live off him, but I am not one of them and never aspire to be. I’ve been self-sufficient since I started working at 14. It’s been a year since I’ve worked, and finding a job in the current market has proven challenging. You’d expect I could lean on him for some support, but I don’t; I even asked for gas money recently—why should I pay to drive someone who cheats on me? Cheating is a significant trigger for me. Growing up watching my parents betray each other, my childhood was shadowed by the lies their infidelities created. I refuse to share space with another woman for any reason. What should I do about this? Should I even continue trying?

I'm looking for assistance or guidance.

I'm a 24-year-old married man, and like many couples, my spouse and I have faced our share of challenges. There was a time when she was unfaithful, but we managed to work through that. Lately, I've developed a close friendship with a girl at work who really matches my energy. It’s refreshing to see her, and over time, I’ve found myself developing feelings for her. She’s unaware of this, and I have no intention of acting on it. I think it’s just that being around her helps me momentarily escape my issues with my spouse. We’ve been arguing a lot recently, and spending time with this colleague seems to provide some relief. I feel guilty about my emotions, but I’m not sure how to handle this situation. I could really use some advice.

Challenging scenario 33f

I'm a 33-year-old woman—attractive, popular, and blessed with a great body and many friends. I’ve entered a wonderful relationship with a 39-year-old man who takes care of me in every way. I really love him; he’s sweet and a fire sign. He brings me food and offers foot rubs every night when I ask, plus he pays my bills and comes home on time every evening. We’ve been together for nearly four months, but our intimacy has dwindled to about once a week, if I'm lucky. He insists everything is fine, but it used to be four or five times a week, which has prompted me to check his phone at night. We both have access to each other's devices, but in his deleted messages, I discovered he was communicating on an escort text line and asking for a quick visit. I’m heartbroken. I tried to bring it up indirectly without revealing I snooped. I asked him to talk to me if something was wrong or if he wanted to take a break, but he seemed oblivious and wanted me to clarify. I struggled to find the right words. I'm worried about breaking up, as I’m financially dependent on him and our families and lives are intertwined after three years together. How should I approach this conversation? TL;DR: I found out my boyfriend is seeking escorts, and I don’t know how to confront him.

Assistance with relationship issues :(

Hello everyone! I'm a 25-year-old woman in a relationship with a 27-year-old man. We've been together for about four years, but we've faced some challenges over the past year since moving in together. My boyfriend has a history of drug use, which genuinely worries me. Currently, his main struggle is with nicotine, and he's been trying to quit for quite a while. Lately, I’ve had some difficult moments where I acted impulsively and went through his belongings. I know this was wrong, and I did apologize after we had a long discussion about it. Unfortunately, I discovered that he hasn’t quit nicotine and has been using pouches of varying strengths, and he's also been watching pornography. This revelation really upset me, as I consider pornography to be almost equivalent to infidelity. It left me feeling undesirable and hurt. We did manage to have a two-day, constructive conversation about our issues, but I’m seeking advice on how to move forward. How can we work through this? How can I regain my confidence and sense of worth? How do I rebuild trust after experiencing dishonesty and secrecy? And how can I maintain my boundaries after setting them? I truly love him and can’t imagine my life without him – he's my bright spot on cloudy days and my guiding light in the dark. I just want to know how we can navigate this together.

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