Relationship advices: Communication Problems

Facing Challenges in Expressing My Feelings as a 21-Year-Old Female in My Relationship with My 21-Year-Old Boyfriend, While Aiming to Be Understood Without Sparking Conflict

I’m a 21-year-old female who struggles to express my feelings when I’m upset, both in my relationship and with others. This often leads me to become emotional or use a tone that can come off as condescending, which is not my intention and makes communication difficult. Recently, I went through a challenging week after a medical procedure that left me feeling physically and mentally exhausted. My boyfriend, who is 21, was aware of this, but I felt he didn't offer the support I needed. A few days later was my birthday, and I shared with him that I was disappointed about having to work all day. I had hoped he would do something special for me, especially since I went all out for his birthday just two weeks earlier. I even made him his favorite childhood pie from scratch, surprised him with a celebration when he came home from school, complete with candles and gifts. However, after my shift on my birthday, I came home to no surprises. He even asked me to get snacks when I hadn’t eaten and then brought back food just for himself, saying he "forgot the flowers." For context, we had decided at the last minute to see each other after I finished work because I wanted to spend time with him, and he had already given me my birthday present a couple of days ahead of time. I tried to lift my spirits, but later that night, he became irritated when I attempted to talk while we were watching a movie—one we had seen before. The next morning, we went to the mall and tried on clothes; I even purchased perfume for both of us for Christmas so we could pick out scents for each other. Afterward, I drove 30 minutes to pick him up from hanging out with friends, paid for his meal, and took him home. The following morning, I mentioned the flowers again, and he dismissed it with, "How long is your birthday going to last?" When I tried to explain why my birthday is important to me and how I wanted to feel celebrated by him, his response was just, "I apologize," followed by him turning away. This pattern of reacting to my concerns by simply apologizing and then ending the conversation without further discussion is becoming frustrating. Although this makes my relationship sound troubling, there is a lot of love between us. He puts in effort in other ways, like always wanting to spend time with me. We've been together for two years, and this is his first serious relationship, so I recognize that he’s still learning. I care for him deeply and want us to grow together, but I also need my feelings to be acknowledged and validated. I'd genuinely appreciate an outside perspective. How can I approach this situation better, or is this dynamic a potential red flag? I prefer not to discuss this with my friends as I know they would automatically take my side, and I don’t want them to form negative opinions about him. Honest feedback would be really helpful—thank you for taking the time to read this!

25M (me) 22F - Do you think texting every day is essential?

Hello everyone, My partner and I have been together for about 8 months now, seeing each other 2-3 times a week. I love her, but there are some days when we don't message at all. I'm curious about how other couples handle this. Do you communicate regularly throughout the day? Does it make you uneasy if you don’t talk to your partner for a whole day? I’ve brought this up with her before, asking how often she prefers to message, and she said she’s fine with daily communication but also comfortable with not messaging every day. I don’t want to come across as clingy by insisting we need to talk every day. She usually reaches out first if we haven’t spoken in a day or two, checking in on me. Is anyone else here in a similar situation? How do you feel about not speaking every day? Is daily communication essential for you?

My boyfriend hasn't been keeping anyone updated recently.

Hello! I’m a 20-year-old female, and my boyfriend, who is 21, and I have not communicated for a month. This situation began when he started struggling in his IT classes last semester. For some background, he was previously the class valedictorian and graduated with the highest grades in his school's history. He switched his major from Computer Science to Information Technology and transferred schools looking for a "fresh start." He chose this field primarily for financial reasons, having read about it on Reddit. Unfortunately, instead of improving, he seems to have given up. I've heard he even skipped his practical exams, leaving his groupmates in a tough position and barely able to pass. This behavior is very uncharacteristic of him. I’ve tried my best to support him, as have his friends, but he has withdrawn into isolation, fearing that he might “hurt others.” He used to have a carefree attitude and would often get into conflicts, but he has become more reserved over time, particularly after we started dating, which helped him move past his gambling addiction. Both his friends and I are really concerned about him. While I want to be there for him, my grandfather was hospitalized, and I’ve had to prioritize that. I’ve continued to reach out and keep him updated, but he hasn’t replied. He’s isolating himself from everyone. I even contacted his father when he missed an event he was supposed to host, but they dismissed it, saying he was just “tired.” I’m genuinely at a loss for what to do. Breaking up isn’t an option for me; I don’t want to add to his struggles during this difficult time.

My boyfriend struggles with emotional regulation, and it's beginning to impact me.

To provide some context, I'm a 22-year-old woman and he's a 21-year-old man; we've been in a happy relationship for three years now. From the beginning of our relationship, we've had frequent arguments due to his behavior. He tends to be very impulsive and struggles to manage his emotions, often becoming extremely angry when he's feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated. Since we’re both neurodivergent, I’ve always tried to understand him, but it’s been challenging to witness his anger escalate every couple of days. About two or three months ago, he started seeing a therapist to address this issue, and I’m really glad he’s taking this step. While he’s improving in managing his anger, I can't shake the feeling that he’s doing it more for me than for himself. He actually admitted that he sought therapy primarily to avoid losing me, rather than for his own personal growth. This confuses me because, in my opinion, therapy should be about self-improvement rather than simply trying to please someone else, and I worry it might not be effective in the long run. Even though he's not as frequently angry, he still struggles significantly with handling frustration and sadness. Recently, he accidentally broke my laptop and became incredibly upset, crying heavily. I wasn’t angry at him; I could see how distressed he was. While I tried to fix my iPad, he started to hurt himself, and I had to intervene. This crying episode went on for at least an hour, and it heightened my own stress. I attempted to reassure him multiple times, letting him know I wasn't upset and that it wasn't his fault. However, he kept asking, "How are you going to manage now?" which felt very strange to me—it’s just an object, after all, and his reaction seemed disproportionate. He acted as if he had just witnessed something truly tragic. The next morning, I expressed my concern about his reaction and how it felt excessive to me, but he didn’t seem to understand. To him, his response was entirely reasonable and there was nothing wrong with it. I’m starting to question whether I can stay in this relationship if this is how he will respond to life's challenges. Additionally, his extreme reactions sometimes make me feel like I have to suppress my own emotions just to be in a position to support him, rather than allowing myself to process what I’m feeling.

My boyfriend has been acting distant and unresponsive since our argument, and I’m unsure of how to handle the situation.

My boyfriend (19) and I (19) have been together for six months, and we celebrated our half-year anniversary on December 2nd in Downtown Toronto. He surprised me with an Airbnb that he decorated beautifully. Unfortunately, since then, we've had a significant argument. It all began when I reached out to a close friend (let's call him Steve, also 19) to talk about some troubling things my roommates (who are also my friends) were saying behind my back. I really needed someone to confide in, and since my boyfriend wasn't responding because of our argument, I thought it best to give him space. I messaged Steve for support, as I was very upset and needed to reassure myself that I wasn’t a bad person. Later that day, my boyfriend finally reached out, and I honestly told him I'd spoken to Steve and invited him over to talk things out. My boyfriend was hurt that I contacted Steve instead of him. I tried to explain that I was worried he wouldn't reply, but he wouldn’t hear me out. Two weeks have passed since that incident, and my boyfriend has been distant and cold. We’ve discussed the situation several times, and I've apologized, assuring him I won’t reach out to anyone else when I’m feeling down and will message him instead, regardless of his mood. Despite this, he continues to be uncharacteristically quiet, and while he interacts normally with his friends, he hardly touches or speaks to me and only called me “baby” during intimate moments. The last time we genuinely connected was on Sunday after he returned from a night out with friends for a birthday celebration, but since Monday, he’s gone silent again. I’ve tried discussing what’s bothering him repeatedly but to no avail. Today, he finally expressed that he’s upset about me reaching out to Steve, regardless of my apologies. He also mentioned he was hurt by a dream I shared that involved his ex, even though he had asked me to tell him about my dream when I hesitated. This conversation escalated into another argument. When I asked if he was falling out of love with me due to his behavior over the last couple of weeks, he insisted that he wasn’t. I’ve come to terms with what happened with my friends and decided to approach them openly, learning from the experience. However, I’m unsure how to navigate my relationship with my boyfriend now. I love him deeply, see a future with him, and my parents have just become more accepting of our relationship. This connection means a lot to me, and I don’t want to walk away from it. We’ve had moments where he has thrown my past at me, and he’s even suggested breaking up, which I’ve consistently resisted because I don’t want others to view us as toxic. Right now, I feel lost and drained. I’m not even crying about the idea of a breakup unless it’s mentioned during an argument—I'm just too exhausted emotionally for that. The only time I cried was today when I attempted to communicate with him and was met with silence. What should I do? Will he come around and start talking to me again? Should I give him space for now? I just want his love back to how it was.

My boyfriend tends to be quite dismissive.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He’s 26, and I’m 25. He’s a pretty laid-back and easygoing guy—doesn’t stress much, is super patient, soft-spoken, and tends to keep to himself. You know the type. Lately, though, I’ve noticed he doesn’t really express his feelings, which I get is common for a lot of guys. However, he can also be quite dismissive overall, and I’m starting to feel uncertain about that. For example, one of his friends is going through a divorce—he’s a bit of a wild card, drinks a lot, and lives a reckless lifestyle. This friend has asked my boyfriend to move in with him at his new condo. My boyfriend was expecting this and is considering it. That honestly worries me; I really don’t want him to move in with someone who’s a bad influence. While I trust my boyfriend’s loyalty, I’m not sure I trust the combination of him and his friend. I brought up my concerns, saying I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to move in. He just replied, "Okay." When I asked if he wanted to know why, he shrugged it off, saying, "I don’t really care; that’s your opinion," and then changed the subject completely. This is just one example of his dismissive attitude that I’ve noticed a few times now. Should I be concerned about this behavior? Am I overreacting for feeling uneasy about it? Or is it wrong of me to have an opinion on whether he should move in with his friend?

Is my perception of 'insufficient interest from my partner' a valid concern, or is it an issue of my own? (M25, F22).

I've been in a relationship with my partner (F22) for the past two years. Often, during our conversations on platforms like Discord or WhatsApp, I feel like she isn't interested in my feelings or motivations. When I share what's on my mind, she rarely asks follow-up questions—something I naturally do as a way to show my interest. We've discussed this before, and she mentioned that these questions just don't come to her mind, and she struggles to express her interest. This situation makes me feel quite insecure. I'm unsure whether my feelings are valid or if I just need to reassure myself that my thoughts are interesting, rather than looking for validation from her. I realize that this topic might be challenging to address, but I would appreciate any insights on it. If you've had a similar experience, I’d love to hear about it. I'm finding it difficult to bring this up with her again since we've already talked about it. I know I need to discuss it with her eventually, but for now, I'm just looking for some input. Thank you!

Am I the bad person for ending things because of Taylor Swift?

I (25M) met my girlfriend (23F) about a year ago through work, and we've been living together for roughly a month now. From the start, we really connected, and honestly, things felt nearly perfect until recently. We share a lot of interests, and I can’t deny she’s incredibly attractive, which is definitely a nice perk, haha. We’ve always had slightly different music tastes—I'm into indie rock, while she leans more towards the "pop girlies," as she describes them. It’s never really caused any issues; we usually just compromise by either tuning into mainstream radio or taking turns with our favorite tracks. A few days ago, my girlfriend attended a Taylor Swift concert (I didn’t go because tickets were nearly $2,000 each), and while I’m happy she enjoyed herself, it feels like she came back a completely different person. That night, she bombarded me with a ton of videos from the concert, which we ended up watching until about 2 a.m. I got it; Taylor is her favorite artist, so I figured that's just how it goes. But then things took a strange turn the next day. When I got home from work, I was greeted by a life-size Taylor Swift cutout in our living room. My girlfriend claimed she’d bought it a week earlier but thought it was only right to put it up after being "initiated" into the fandom by attending the concert. I laughed, assuming she was joking, but she was dead serious. Now she refuses to move the cutout out of the living room, only plays Taylor’s music on our speakers, and even insists on bringing the giant cutout into our bedroom at night so "Taylor can watch over us." I’m at a loss for what to do. I tried to talk to my girlfriend about it, and she insists I should be happy for her finding something she loves. And I am—truly, I am—but it’s starting to interfere with our everyday lives. To me, it feels a bit obsessive and off. Today, I finally told her that she needs to tone it down and put the life-size cutout in a closet, or I’d have to consider breaking up with her. She ended up crying and mentioned she would enter her “reputation era” if I left, though I’m not even sure what that means—it's apparently another Taylor Swift reference. So, am I being unreasonable for wanting to break up over this? I really don’t recognize my girlfriend anymore.

Is he intentionally trying to hurt my feelings?

I’m starting to feel like my boyfriend is purposely trying to hurt my feelings. It seems like he forgets things we’ve talked about and continues to repeat the same behaviors after we've discussed them. For example, I express that it bothers me when he does something, and then a few months later, he does it again. He hardly remembers our conversations, and it feels like he has the same discussions with me that he has with his coworkers. While he’s not interested in living together, he also doesn’t want to break up. Does anyone have any insights on this?

Is it my fault, or do I have the right to feel a little unsettled?

I've been dating someone (33F) for two months, and everything has been going really well, except for a few recent incidents that have left me feeling anxious. A few days ago, I stayed at her place and woke up after she'd already left for work. As I was getting ready to leave, I noticed her dehumidifier was still on. I texted her to see if she wanted me to leave it running or turn it off since I knew she was going away for the weekend. However, I started spiraling into an OCD-related train of thought and convinced myself that if I didn’t turn it off, something terrible might happen. I was already running late and my Uber had arrived, so I just switched it off. Later, when she messaged me to say I should have left it on, I lied and told her I hadn’t touched it. I felt that sharing my OCD-related concerns would make me seem irrational or too vulnerable after only eight weeks of dating. Once I got to work, though, I decided to come clean. I admitted to turning it off and explained that I had spiraled into some distressing “what-if” scenarios about it. I didn’t want her to think I was crazy. But her reaction surprised me—it seemed quite intense, and she didn’t understand why I had lied. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. For example, she once asked if I knew how much air to put in my bike tires, and I responded affirmatively but then realized I didn’t know the exact amount. When she pressed me about why I said I did, I felt a physiological reaction stemming from a childhood experience where I would face punishment for not knowing something. My girlfriend also reacted strongly, bewildered that I would be dishonest about such a minor detail. Following the incident with the dehumidifier, we had a lengthy phone call where I expressed my anxiety and regret. I truly value honesty, and I felt awful about upsetting her over something trivial. During our conversation, she asked me a barrage of questions to understand my motivations, referencing other instances where she felt I had been dishonest. For example, when I admitted to knowing a band but could only name a couple of their songs, she viewed that as being untruthful. She also questioned my decision to display my degree certificates on my wall, asking why it mattered for others to know about my achievements. This made me feel belittled, as if my pride in my accomplishments was being dismissed. Despite my efforts to explain my feelings—trying to shield her from my mental health struggles and not wanting to come across as irrational—her response felt disproportionate. Even though I've acknowledged that any dishonesty can feel unsafe, I'm left feeling interrogated rather than supported in these situations. My friends have reacted similarly, reinforcing that I'm feeling overlooked and anxious rather than comforted. I've apologized for the fib about the dehumidifier and explained my reasoning, yet the intensity of her reaction continues to trouble me. I’m now questioning whether she unintentionally undermines or dismisses my feelings during these discussions. Am I in the wrong here? Is her strong reaction to my seemingly small lie justified? I've tried to present this situation as objectively as possible, without leaving anything out. Thanks for your understanding.

Is incompatibility a valid reason to end a relationship?

We are both 18 and have been together for nearly a year. Our love for each other runs deep, and I truly believe he is a good person who cares for me. However, we do have our disagreements, and sometimes it feels like we just don’t understand one another. There are moments when I need someone to empathize with me, which is a challenge for him. Additionally, he can come across as insensitive and lacking emotional intelligence. I also worry about feeling like I’m raising someone else’s child. During busy times, he tends to show less affection, which isn’t necessarily wrong, but I sometimes wonder if I’m asking too much for a consistent display of love. I want a lifelong partner, and while I love him, I'm unsure if this relationship is truly worth the struggle.

What are some ways I can become more open with my partner about my emotions?

I'm a 24-year-old man seeking to improve my communication with my partner, a 24-year-old woman, with whom I’ve been in a relationship for eight years. I recognize that I have some personal issues that I need to address, but despite this, she chooses to stay with me because she loves me. However, I struggle with intense self-doubt and a lot of self-hatred, making it difficult for me to express my thoughts and feelings to her. Recently, she returned from a trip that I’m glad she enjoyed, but there are aspects of her experience that evoke feelings I find hard to articulate. I worry that my hesitation to share how I feel could harm our relationship. I’m looking for advice on how to navigate this situation or any ideas on how to start communicating better. I'm all ears for any help you can provide.

What are some ways I can become more inviting and friendly in my relationships?

I make an effort to remain calm, open-minded, and understanding in my relationships. However, I’ve noticed that many of them tend to surface unresolved issues, leading to growing resentment toward me. By the time it becomes apparent, it's often too late for us to address the problems. Some partners come with past experiences that make them wary of conflict, which I understand. Beyond offering reassurance and maintaining a calm demeanor, what else can I do to demonstrate to a woman that I genuinely want to communicate in a peaceful manner?

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