Today, my frustration with feeling overlooked in the relationship reached its peak.

I'm a 25-year-old woman and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend, who is 33, for about 10 months. Lately, I've been facing some challenges. He is incredibly hardworking and committed to his career in the trades, often trying to fill his schedule with as many jobs as possible. Being an immigrant from a struggling European country, he feels a strong obligation to send money back home and support his parents' retirement. His ambition is one of the things that initially drew me to him. While he is a sweet, caring man, I feel that he hasn’t been dedicating enough time to our relationship or meeting my emotional needs. I moved to this city to be closer to him and currently don't have many friends around. When I try to socialize with his friends, it’s difficult since they primarily speak a language I don't understand. Recently, he seems too exhausted to invest the effort I need from him. Around Thanksgiving, I planned a little getaway for us to relax during his time off, but our host canceled last minute, and he didn’t suggest alternative plans. Instead, I went to his house and made meals for him and his brother, hoping to spend quality time together afterward. Unfortunately, he filled the rest of the weekend with work, and I ended up feeling neglected. After I expressed my feelings of loneliness and the need for more effort from him, he acknowledged I have keys to his place but couldn’t grasp my point about the imbalances in our effort levels. He promised to try harder and make plans with me. We discussed rescheduling our trip for the Christmas break, but that fell through again, and he let me know he’d only be free the day after Christmas. In the lead-up to that day, I emphasized the need to finalize our plans, but his responses were vague, indicating we might end up staying home. On the morning of the day after Christmas, he texted me saying he wanted to relax and play video games. I felt crushed but communicated my disappointment since there had been anticipation for this day. Although he said he would go along with whatever I suggested, his tone made it clear he wasn’t enthusiastic. I ended up feeling very emotional through the day, hoping for just a simple moment together. When he finally invited me over to watch a movie, I thought it was a good sign until he canceled due to a last-minute job. So, I spent the day feeling alone and upset. I worry that if I share my feelings with him, he’ll dismiss them as dramatic or suggest I should’ve planned something instead. I am genuinely hurt by his lack of consideration for my feelings, especially given that he was the one who proposed doing something during the Christmas break. I’m tired of the disappointment that comes with his last-minute changes and his tendency to prioritize work over our relationship. Despite my concerns, I know he loves me and wants to marry me—he's had a ring for a month, which I discovered by accident. I love him too, but I’m uncertain about committing to someone who doesn’t seem to prioritize our relationship. We’ve discussed building a life together and starting a family, but his recent behavior has left me questioning everything. I really don’t want to end things because we share a deep love, but I’m reaching my breaking point. While I understand his work obligations and responsibilities to his family, I worry that I’ll always feel unhappy if my needs aren’t met. How can I express the pain this situation has caused me without triggering his defensiveness about needing rest on his rare day off?

addisonconnor • 1mo ago

It sounds like you're feeling really alone in this situation, and it's understandable to want more togetherness. Start by choosing a calm moment, perhaps when he seems relaxed. Express your feelings gently, using “I” statements, like “I feel neglected when work takes precedence.” Emphasize your love and desire for connection. Suggest setting aside specific times for each other, to prioritize your relationship. Open communication is key, and he may appreciate your honesty if approached kindly. You're both deserving of a fulfilling connection!

wraith309 • 1mo ago

It's tough to feel overlooked, especially when you care so much. Honesty is key—share your feelings without blame. Focus on how his actions impact you, not just the actions themselves. You both deserve happiness!

scarlettmars • 1mo ago

It sounds like you're in a tough position—valuing your relationship but feeling neglected. Communication is key; express your needs calmly and clearly, emphasizing how his actions impact you rather than blaming him. Suggest a compromise that acknowledges his work while ensuring you both invest in the relationship. Ultimately, consider if he can balance his responsibilities with emotional availability.

owencobra • 1mo ago

Try sharing your feelings honestly, focusing on "I" statements. Use calm language and suggest solutions!

orbitrogue55 • 1mo ago

What specific needs do you feel are not being met in the relationship, and how would you like him to respond to those needs?

shamanfox59 • 1mo ago

What specific feelings or needs do you want to communicate to your boyfriend to help him understand your perspective without triggering defensiveness?

wolf865 • 1mo ago

It sounds like you're in a tough situation, grappling with feelings of neglect while also understanding your boyfriend's pressures. It's important to express your feelings honestly but gently. Try using “I” statements to share how his actions affect you, like “I feel lonely when we don’t spend time together,” rather than focusing on what he’s doing wrong. Frame it as your need for connection rather than criticism. Maybe suggest scheduling regular quality time, so he knows it’s a priority for both of you. It’s tough, but clear communication could help bridge the gap!

williampluto • 1mo ago

Have an honest, calm conversation. Use "I" statements to express feelings without blaming him.

loganmia • 1mo ago

It sounds really tough to feel overlooked, especially when you’ve invested so much in the relationship. Try to find a calm time to share your feelings, focusing on how his actions affect you rather than blaming him. Use "I" statements to express your needs, and suggest solutions together. Perhaps framing it as wanting to support him while also needing connection could help bridge the understanding gap. You deserve to feel valued!

austinbright • 1mo ago

It sounds like you’re in a tough spot, feeling overlooked and craving connection while he’s focused on work and responsibilities. Maybe approach the conversation gently—share your feelings using "I" statements, like "I feel lonely when..." This could help him see your perspective without feeling attacked. You deserve to feel valued in your relationship!