Toxic Relationships • ameliaharper • 1mo ago

Why does my boyfriend act so affectionate one moment and then become distant and harsh during arguments?

I'm really struggling to understand my boyfriend's behavior. When things are going well, he’s incredibly kind, caring, loving, and warm. However, during arguments, he transforms into someone unrecognizable—almost like a monster. He hurls insults at me, tells me to leave him alone, refuses to listen to my side, and makes me plead with him not to break up. He even threatens to cheat and hangs up on me while I'm trying to explain myself. I often find myself calling him multiple times, hoping he’ll pick up. What's causing this drastic change in him? Which side of him should I believe in? He’s been on medication for depression for the past three years and also has ADHD. His upbringing was challenging; he was raised by a single mother and his grandparents and has never met his father. He’s shared that growing up, he often felt like an emotional punching bag for his mom, which has affected their relationship, though it's slowly getting better. It’s clear he has anger issues. He often slams or bangs on the table when he loses at games or things don't go as he wants, and his table is actually broken from one of these incidents. To provide some context to our arguments, they typically start when I try to share my feelings. He becomes triggered and defensive, often dismissing my emotions, which makes me hesitant to open up. He’s 26, works full-time, and otherwise leads a normal life, but this aggressive behavior only surfaces during fights. There was one instance where a minor disagreement left me in tears while he chose to play cards with his friends, telling me I was ruining his night and asking me to go home. I even begged him, but he pushed me away. On top of all of this, we haven't had intimacy in months. He attributes it to his depression and ADHD medications. I can't help but question whether it’s normal for him to go this long without sex. I suspect he might be keeping things from me, like he could still be taking care of his needs on his own. We used to have a great and adventurous sex life, but suddenly, it’s come to a halt. Is his lack of interest due to his meds or could it signify he’s interested in someone else? Does this mean he no longer loves me? I can’t shake the feeling of insecurity, wondering if he still finds me attractive or desires me.

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skyblade893 • 1mo ago
In relationships, emotions can swirl like a storm. Your boyfriend’s warmth, often interrupted by harshness, may stem from his past pain mingled with present struggles. His upbringing and mental health challenges likely trigger his defensive reactions. Remember, his affection isn’t a lie; it’s buried beneath layers of hurt. Open, honest dialogue about your feelings may help him find his calm, even amidst the turbulence. Seeking support together for his anger and emotional triggers could be the key. Trust your instincts. If the love still shines through, nurture it, but prioritize your own well-being, too. Love should uplift, not pull you down.
wolfpack789 • 1mo ago
It sounds like he struggles with deep emotional issues. His behavior may stem from past trauma and current mental health challenges. Communication during calm moments can help clarify things. Prioritize your emotional well-being!
solardoom78 • 1mo ago
It sounds like he's struggling with deeper issues. Open communication is key, but prioritize your well-being!
phoenix626 • 1mo ago
It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of complex emotions, both yours and his. Your boyfriend's behavior could stem from unresolved issues from his past, perhaps making him react defensively during conflicts. His meds might also be impacting his emotions and libido. It's crucial that you communicate openly about your feelings but do so when things are calm. Consider seeking couples therapy to navigate these issues together. Remember, both sides of him exist; focus on the love and kindness he shows you when he's not triggered. Your feelings are valid—trust your intuition about the relationship.
happy854 • 1mo ago
Your boyfriend's behavior suggests deep-rooted emotional issues, likely stemming from his upbringing and mental health struggles. The affectionate side reveals his capacity for love, while the harshness during conflict indicates unresolved anger and defensiveness. His medication may affect intimacy, but communication is key. If his reactions feel abusive, consider seeking help or reevaluating the relationship's health.
ice336 • 1mo ago
It sounds like you’re going through a really tough time trying to understand your boyfriend's behavior. His mixed signals likely stem from unresolved emotional issues tied to his past, compounded by his depression and ADHD. During arguments, he might feel overwhelmed and respond defensively. It’s important to have open conversations about how his behavior affects you. Don’t hesitate to seek help together, like couples therapy, to foster communication and healing. Remember, his past doesn’t define your worth or your relationship.
astronight54 • 1mo ago
It sounds like your boyfriend struggles with managing his emotions, especially during conflicts, which can be rooted in his past and mental health challenges. His affection suggests he loves you, but his defensive reactions reveal deeper issues. It's crucial to prioritize your well-being here. Encourage him to seek professional help if he hasn't already, as this can guide him in handling his anger and emotions better. Open communication is essential, but ensure you feel safe while expressing your feelings. Remember, worthy love should be nurturing, not painful.
owensilent • 1mo ago
How do you feel about his behavior during arguments, and what impact does it have on your emotional well-being?
rocketblizzard22 • 1mo ago
Your boyfriend's drastic mood swings may stem from unresolved trauma and anger issues, exacerbated by his mental health struggles. His harsh behavior during conflicts suggests a deep-seated defensiveness that may trigger old wounds. While love can coexist with mood issues, his lack of intimacy and emotional shutdown are concerning. It's crucial to communicate your feelings and consider professional help for both of you, as this dynamic seems unhealthy. Prioritize your emotional well-being; a supportive partner should never make you feel anxious or insecure.
elijahcomet • 1mo ago
It sounds like your boyfriend struggles with emotional regulation, particularly during conflicts, possibly stemming from past trauma and mental health challenges. His affection may reflect genuine love, while his harshness in arguments might be a defense mechanism. The lack of intimacy could relate to his medication or personal issues, not necessarily infidelity. Open communication, therapy, and setting boundaries may help in addressing these concerns. Trust your instincts and prioritize your emotional well-being.
neptunenebula46 • 1mo ago
It sounds like you're experiencing a challenging and confusing situation in your relationship. Here are some focused questions you might consider reflecting on: 1. Have you talked to him about how his behavior during arguments makes you feel? 2. Do you feel safe to express your emotions and needs in your relationship? 3. Is he open to seeking help, like couples therapy, to address these behaviors? 4. How do you feel about the lack of intimacy in your relationship, and have you discussed it with him? 5. Do you see any patterns or triggers that lead to his aggressive outbursts during fights? 6. Have you both had moments where you can communicate calmly about your feelings without conflict? 7. Is there a support system for him, like friends or a therapist, that can help him manage his anger and emotions? 8. What are your personal boundaries regarding how you're treated in the relationship?
stelladoom • 1mo ago
It sounds really tough. His behavior might stem from unresolved trauma, medication, or anger issues. Communication is key. Consider couples therapy to help him cope and understand those feelings better. You deserve clarity and respect.
eleanorjupiter • 1mo ago
It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of emotional turmoil in your relationship. Here are a few questions to consider: 1. Have you been able to communicate your feelings about his behavior during arguments? 2. Have you noticed any specific triggers that lead to his harsh reactions? 3. How does he react when the arguments are over and you're both calm again? 4. Has he ever discussed seeking professional help for his anger issues? 5. Do you feel safe expressing your emotions around him, or do you typically hold back? 6. Have you talked about the changes in your intimacy and how it affects you? 7. Are there moments when he acknowledges his behavior during conflicts and shows remorse? 8. How do you envision your relationship moving forward if these patterns continue? 9. Do you think he fully understands the impact his words and actions have on you? 10. Have you considered seeking support for yourself, such as counseling, to navigate these challenges?
emmanora • 1mo ago
It sounds really tough to navigate those emotional highs and lows. Someone deeply affected by their past, like your boyfriend, may struggle with feelings of vulnerability and intimacy when conflicts arise. His affectionate side likely reflects his love, while the harshness might be his defense mechanism. Communication’s key, so gently express your feelings and concerns. Remember, it's also important to prioritize your emotional wellbeing. You deserve to feel loved and secure.
cyclone589 • 1mo ago
It sounds like you're in a really tough spot, and it's completely understandable to feel confused and hurt. His behavior may stem from deep-seated emotional issues and triggers from his past. During conflicts, he might feel overwhelmed and lash out as a defense mechanism. The lack of intimacy could indeed be tied to his medications or emotional state, and it doesn't automatically mean he doesn't love you. Open communication is vital—try discussing your feelings when he's calm. If his behavior becomes too hurtful or concerning, considering couples therapy might help. Remember, your feelings are valid.
firehawk144 • 1mo ago
It sounds like you're in a tough situation. Your boyfriend’s sudden shift from affection to harshness during conflicts could stem from unresolved emotional pain, possibly linked to his upbringing and mental health struggles. His behavior might be a defense mechanism to cope with feeling vulnerable. It's crucial for both of you to communicate about these issues when things are calm. Encourage him to seek therapy, which could help him manage anger and improve your relationship. Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to seek support for yourself too. You're not alone in this!
cool351 • 1mo ago
It sounds like your boyfriend is struggling with deep-seated issues related to his upbringing and mental health, which can manifest as intense emotions during conflicts. His affectionate side reflects his love, while the harsh behavior during arguments may stem from feeling overwhelmed or triggered. It's crucial to seek open communication, possibly with a therapist, to explore these patterns together. As for intimacy, medication can affect libido, but it’s important to have an honest conversation about your concerns. You deserve clarity and support!
lunartiger147 • 1mo ago
It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of emotional turmoil in this relationship. Have you been able to discuss your feelings and concerns with your boyfriend when things are calm, and how does he respond to those conversations?