My partner (M21) reacted aggressively towards me for the first time, and I'm still trying to make sense of it. (F21)
Hi everyone, I’m using a throwaway account to keep this private from my partner (M21), but I really need some help understanding a phone call we had. I tend to shut down and struggle to process things, so I'm hoping for some clarity. Whenever something goes wrong in his life, he tends to project or deflect blame onto others. Last night, it was directed at me when he was upset about why his former best friend had cut him out of his life. This friend was his closest companion, and he distanced himself for reasons like a lack of communication and feeling insulted by my partner regarding his writing abilities. The complication is that this friend is still in touch with me, which puts me in an awkward position. On one hand, my partner continually asks what his friend is doing, why he’s shut him out, and why I won’t discuss it. On the other hand, my friend is urging me to block my partner entirely. During our conversation, my partner began to grill me, analyzing every detail of what little I shared about the friend’s feelings. I kept my responses brief because I didn’t want to act as the messenger. He asked if the friend knew about our recent two-week breakup, to which I said yes, and explained the reason: my partner claimed he 'loved me but wasn’t in love with me', wanted to explore other options, and needed time to decide whether he wanted to continue our relationship. My friend was not pleased with that and found it to be very harsh towards me, which I conveyed to my partner. He felt that I painted him as the 'bad guy' for being honest about the breakup. Additionally, during that two-week period, the friend lost his childhood dog, and my partner asked if he was aware of it when we resumed communication. I confirmed that he knew, and my partner seemed upset that he hadn’t reached out to check on him during his grief. However, my partner claimed that I told the friend to take space. In his eyes, I was to blame for the friend’s decision to stop talking to him, which made me feel like the villain. It’s especially troubling because my partner often insults my friend’s writing talent, which is something my friend takes great pride in. This was the first time my partner actually yelled at me, and he wouldn’t let me hang up the phone despite my attempts to end the conversation. After I finally did, I told him I had to go but that he could reach out if needed. I haven’t heard from him since, and I’m still trying to process everything that happened. I’d really appreciate others’ thoughts on this situation before I decide what to do next, if anything at all. Thank you for listening; any advice would mean so much to me!