My boyfriend's drug use makes me feel uneasy. 23M, 24F.

I'm at a pivotal moment in my relationship and could really use some guidance. I've been with my boyfriend for four years—he's my first serious partner, and I initially thought he was perfect. I’ve always envisioned sharing my life with one person, and I genuinely love him. However, over time, we've reached a point where I'm uncertain if we can move past it. **The Dilemma** From the beginning, I've been open about my boundaries when it comes to drug use. I can't be in a relationship with someone who occasionally uses hard drugs. This isn’t just about my personal beliefs; I'm also concerned for his health and what I perceive as a risky lifestyle. He used to experiment with drugs, and I may have overlooked it too easily until I finally expressed my feelings. Since that conversation, he’s become more secretive, and I've caught him lying about it. I made it clear that if he ever used cocaine again, I would leave. Fast forward to this past Christmas weekend—he spent the entire time with friends drinking and using drugs (cocaine, balloons, pills, and weed). I found out he hadn’t even slept and realized it was more than just alcohol. He apologized afterward, and we’ve since tried to act “normal” again. But inside, I don't feel okay. I feel disgusted, disrespected, and conflicted. **What I'm Facing** On one side, I love him and don’t want to end the relationship. We've built so much together, and I always envisioned this as my forever. On the other side, staying now feels like a betrayal to myself. I'm afraid that if I stay, he'll just repeat his behavior, and I’ll end up feeling worse for not leaving when I had the chance. I also worry about how he would react if I decided to leave. He tends to act indifferent outwardly while suffering internally. I doubt his friends would even notice the change in him, which is difficult for me to consider, as I would be left to shoulder most of the emotional weight. Another fear I can’t shake off is the thought of him moving on and finding someone “better.” I know it's irrational, but after investing so much love and time, it's hard not to feel that way. **What I Need to Understand** If our breakup stems from his drug use and my refusal to accept it, does that make me a better person? Am I wrong for seeking a partner who shares my values? Should I just let him do as he pleases and try to be more accepting, or does this indicate that we aren’t compatible at a fundamental level? I’ve thought about therapy because I know I need help navigating these feelings. However, I'd love to hear from others who have faced similar situations or have any advice. How do you walk away from someone you still love but no longer trust? How do you manage the fear of them moving on while you're left to heal?