My boyfriend has carried over some toxic traits from previous relationships, and it's taken a toll on us.

I've been feeling really confused and have needed advice for quite some time. My partner, a 23-year-old man, and I, a 20-year-old woman, are in a complicated situation. His ex was incredibly toxic—she screamed at him every day, was physically abusive, and cheated on him throughout their 4.5-year relationship. I understand that this trauma has affected how he behaves now. The first issue is that early on in our relationship, whenever we went out, he would get upset and start yelling over minor things. I wasn't blameless either; I often worried he was checking out other women right in front of me. When I’d ask for reassurance, he would become defensive, interpreting my questions as accusations. I’m well aware that accusing someone isn’t a healthy way to communicate, as I’ve learned from therapy. Our arguments would last for hours, sometimes until 4 a.m. Thankfully, things have improved somewhat, but I still feel uncomfortable going out with him because of his past reactions and my own fears rooted in past experiences. I trust him, but I deal with my insecurities privately and only seek reassurance occasionally. The second issue is my struggle with panic attacks and anxiety. I often find myself in a state of panic for several hours daily. Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to grasp this, or perhaps he lacks empathy. Recently, when I had a panic attack, instead of supporting me, he scolded me for not helping myself and insisted I take my prescribed medication—with an angry tone to boot. This has happened multiple times, leaving me feeling more like I need to explain myself rather than receiving the support that I need. While I manage my daily anxiety on my own, I just require extra support during panic episodes. The third issue arises when I try to discuss things that upset me; he often retreats into silence, looking sad and just repeating “I’m sorry.” I know this may be his way of coping, but it makes me feel guilty for expressing my feelings, and I often end up dropping the subject. It’s okay for him to feel bad, but it makes me anxious about bringing up my feelings in the first place. As for the medication I mentioned earlier—Zoloft—I’m scared to take it. I realize it might be beneficial, but with my panic disorder, the thought is daunting. His insistence that I take it during my episodes makes me feel misunderstood. I worry that if I experience side effects from the medication, I won’t have his support since he might panic, too, which doesn’t help when I need someone to ground me. Another issue is his behavior when he drinks. He tends to lash out, blaming me for things like my relationship with my mom. He never communicates these feelings calmly; instead, it all comes out in a drunken rage. I’ve worked hard to create an open, safe space for him to express himself, and I don’t retaliate, yet he still seems unable to speak up unless he’s intoxicated. The next day, he often regrets what he said, which leaves me bewildered. I’m feeling pretty exhausted. I can see he’s working on himself and has a sensitive, beautiful soul. He’s genuinely a good person, and with therapy and the right coping strategies, I believe he could be someone I want to spend my life with. I can tell he’s remorseful for his past mistakes and is making an effort. But I’m just tired of dealing with all of this. The mere thought of having a conversation about my feelings drains me. It’s like I need a nap before we even start talking. I worry that if I move on, I might never find someone as passionate and wonderful as he is. Still, I want to enjoy life; I’m 20, and I should be out having fun, not trapped in my room feeling anxious. While he's a great person, our relationship isn't where I want it to be. I don’t want to overlook its potential, but relationships require effort, and I feel like I have nothing left to give right now.