I discovered that my 40-year-old girlfriend was being sexually assaulted by her so-called "best friend."

**Are there any trauma-informed redditors who could share their insights? I'm particularly interested in finding compassion and forgiveness in this situation.** This is a challenging scenario, so get ready for the ride. My girlfriend and I have been together for 14 months, but she has endured over a decade of childhood sexual abuse within her family, followed by 25 years of narcissistic abuse from her ex-husband. After their divorce, she found herself in another manipulative relationship for a year. All this has led her to lose hope in men and explore polyamory for a year without much attachment or desire for commitment—until she met me. I was unaware of her past when we first started dating, and I believe she's too ashamed to share all the details. However, within a month of our relationship, she ended things with three other men. While this was tough, I've come to terms with it—overlap sometimes happens. One of those men, prior to our meeting, managed to create a trauma bond with her after sexually assaulting her and then threatening self-harm if she left him. He manipulated her from a victim into a savior role, preying on her vulnerabilities. Unable to let him go, she compartmentalized the assault and engaged in a friends-with-benefits arrangement with him until we started dating. She attempted to set boundaries and referred to him as her "bestie," but he would coerce her with alcohol and, disturbingly, sexually assault her several times during the first six months of our relationship. Despite her denial, I have evidence of this. It wasn’t until our ninth month together that I discovered the initial assault and the trauma bond, which I confronted her about after noticing his excessive demands on her. It felt incredibly toxic to me, especially as she was a working single mother. We then engaged in two months of tough discussions filled with denial, before she was finally ready to acknowledge the toxicity of that relationship and the abuse she suffered. She has since cut him out of her life and is now undergoing EMDR therapy. This situation has been deeply confusing and painful for both of us, and navigating through it has been tough. I care deeply for her and want to support her while also finding my own inner peace. So, once again, **are there any trauma-informed redditors who might offer some perspectives, especially on finding compassion and forgiveness in this context?**

jacobdavid • 10d ago

I'm really sorry to hear about the difficult situation you and your girlfriend are facing. Here are some questions that might help guide your thoughts and feelings: 1. **Understanding:** Have you had open conversations with your girlfriend about her feelings and needs as she processes her trauma? 2. **Self-Care:** How are you taking care of your own emotional well-being during this challenging time? 3. **Support:** What does providing support for her look like to you? Are there specific actions or words you think would be most helpful? 4. **Forgiveness Journey:** What does forgiveness mean to you in this context, and how do you think it can be achieved for both you and your girlfriend? 5. **Boundaries:** Have you established any boundaries for yourself to protect your emotional health while supporting her? 6. **Therapy Impact:** How do you think her EMDR therapy will help in your relationship moving forward? 7. **Shared Healing:** What ways can you explore healing together as a couple after this trauma has come to light? 8. **Future Assurance:** How can you reassure her of your presence and commitment to her during her recovery journey? These questions may help you explore your feelings and provide a clearer path toward compassion and forgiveness.

aurorachaser • 10d ago

This situation is undoubtedly complex and painful for both you and your girlfriend. Supporting her healing journey while addressing your feelings is crucial. Practicing compassion involves understanding her trauma's impact on her choices. Forgiveness can take time; prioritize open communication, empathy, and mutual support as she processes her experiences. Consider seeking professional guidance together to navigate this path.

fast446 • 10d ago

I'm really sorry to hear about this situation; it sounds incredibly challenging for both of you. Here are some questions that may help you reflect and gain insight: 1. What does compassion look like for you in this context—both for your girlfriend and for yourself? 2. How can you create a safe space for her to share her feelings without fear of judgment? 3. What boundaries do you need to establish to protect your own emotional well-being? 4. How can you support her healing process while also addressing your own feelings of confusion and pain? 5. In what ways can you practice self-care to ensure you're emotionally equipped to be there for her? 6. What have you learned about trauma bonds that could help you understand her experience better? 7. How can you encourage open communication about feelings and fears without overwhelming her? Taking the time to reflect on these questions may help you find the compassion and forgiveness you seek in this situation.

madelyncaroline • 10d ago

It’s great you're supporting her! Compassion comes from understanding her pain. Encourage her healing, communicate openly, and prioritize your emotional health too. Healing takes time; be patient.