Struggling with Sexual Challenges in My Relationship - Seeking Guidance

Subject: Seeking Guidance on a Challenging Relationship Hey everyone, I hope you're all doing well. I'm reaching out for some advice and support, as I've been feeling quite lost and confused lately. I’m a 29-year-old man in a relationship with my partner, also 29, for the past 2.5 years. This is my second serious relationship, while it's her fourth. I truly love her; she’s kind, supportive, and an overall wonderful person. However, we’ve been having some significant challenges in our sex life that are affecting me emotionally. To provide some context, my partner has been diagnosed with vaginismus, which was confirmed about a year ago after she consulted a gynecologist. While we suspected it for some time, it took her more than a year and a half to seek medical help, despite her initial promises to do so. Our conversations on the topic often ended in frustration, and it was only after I opened up about my deep feelings of depression that she finally visited the doctor. Unfortunately, since her diagnosis, there hasn't been much follow-up care, even though she was advised to return after 15 days. When I try to discuss it, it typically leads to arguments, and my therapist has suggested that I refrain from pushing the issue. Here are the main challenges we’re facing: - She never takes the initiative when it comes to sex, and we seldom discuss it, even though it’s one of the key issues in our relationship. - She appears to lack interest in sexual activities altogether. For instance, she only started masturbating four years ago and doesn’t seem engaged with it currently. She also doesn’t enjoy watching porn or participating in anything like dirty talk, which I’ve minimized because she finds it uncomfortable. - During our intimate moments, she often seems uneasy with certain actions. For example, she is not comfortable with oral sex, whether giving or receiving, and I usually have to request it, even after I’ve just showered. - There’s a noticeable lack of engagement with my body during intimacy; aside from some kissing, there’s little reciprocation, which leaves me feeling unfulfilled. Emotionally, I’ve been grappling with: - About six months into our relationship, I started experiencing issues like erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. The stress reached a point where I even considered breaking up, but we reconciled after she promised to seek help, which was 1.5 years ago. Unfortunately, aside from her one gynecologist visit, there hasn’t been any real progress. - We’ve recently been doing long-distance, and while I miss her dearly, she hasn’t shown much interest in deeper conversations. I long for physical intimacy, but it feels like she has lost interest in that aspect of our relationship. Engaging in activities over video call is uncomfortable for her, and it feels awkward for me to seek pleasure alone, so I’ve stopped pursuing phone sex. - While I’ve suggested alternatives like outercourse, she often prefers to skip those moments. There seems to be a lack of exploration into other forms of intimacy despite my encouragement. - We attempted couple's therapy in hopes of addressing our sex life, but ended up focusing on non-sexual issues, leading us to discontinue since she dislikes discussing our relationship with a third party. - Additionally, she is resistant to seeing a sex therapist, which leaves me feeling trapped. I’ve invested time researching ways to support her, but she often finds fault with each suggestion. Other difficulties: I don’t know much about her progress with dilators, as she’s reluctant to discuss it, despite having had them for a year. We’ve only engaged in penetrative intercourse when she initiates, and I’ve reassured her that I'm comfortable in the relationship without it for the time being—though I can’t envision this being the case indefinitely. I genuinely want this relationship to work, but there hasn’t been much change in our sexual dynamics over the past 2.5 to 3 years. I’m feeling conflicted about whether I should stay or move on. I’m experiencing significant feelings of depression and uncertainty about how to proceed. I love her and want to provide support, but these ongoing issues are becoming increasingly hard to manage. I’m worried that discussing this will make me seem like a bad partner, but I truly need guidance on how to move forward. Has anyone faced a similar situation? How did you navigate it? Thank you for taking the time to read this. I would greatly appreciate any advice or support you can offer. **TL;DR:** I’m a 29-year-old man in a 2.5-year relationship with my partner, who has vaginismus. Although she is a fantastic partner in many ways, we struggle significantly with intimacy and communication regarding our sexual life. Despite her initial promise to seek help, little progress has been made, and she's against seeing a sex therapist. I feel emotionally drained and uncertain about the future of our relationship. I love her, but I feel lost and conflicted—any advice would be greatly appreciated.