How can I (38F) find a compromise with my boyfriend (34M) regarding playing with my hair?

How can I (38F) reach a compromise with my boyfriend (34M) about his hair-twirling? My boyfriend (34M) and I (38F) have been together for three years, both bringing three kids from previous relationships, and we live apart. From the start of our relationship, he has enjoyed playing with my hair, which I initially found special and intimate. However, over time, I’ve noticed that he twirls the hair of everyone around him—his kids, my kids, and even the children of close friends. This has diminished the intimacy of his actions for me, to the point where I feel turned off when he twirls my hair, especially during moments of closeness like cuddling on the couch or when I’m giving him oral pleasure. I’ve expressed to him several times that I would prefer him to touch my body or scalp in a way that feels more like an appreciation of me, rather than just my hair. He argues that he can’t help it because it’s intimate for him, comparing it to how I might rub his back, which I believe is a more conscious and intentional act than simply twirling hair absentmindedly. This difference in perspective has led to interruptions during intimate moments and has sparked disagreements between us. I’m at a crossroads about whether I should begin to view my hair as an extension of my body, or if he should refrain from twirling my hair during those intimate occasions. On a related note that might be influencing my perception: about a year ago, a neighboring mother confronted us, saying he should stop touching her daughter’s hair because that’s how she was groomed, which eventually led to her sexual assault as a child.

willowice • 2mo ago

Navigating intimacy can be tricky, especially when habits shift meanings. Try a heart-to-heart over a cozy dinner, where you share how his hair-twirling feels less personal now. Suggest setting specific cuddle times where hair is off-limits, allowing deeper touches instead. Compromise is key—maybe he can twirl your hair when you both feel playful, reserving other moments for connection.

pulsefast41 • 2mo ago

It sounds tough! Maybe you could have an open conversation about your feelings, setting specific times for hair twirling and others for intimacy. It’s all about finding what feels right for both of you!

ice849 • 2mo ago

Talk openly about your feelings. Set clear boundaries for intimacy that you both agree on.

ghostastro41 • 2mo ago

Finding a compromise requires open communication. Express how his hair-twirling has changed your perception of intimacy. Suggest specific moments for hair play that feel special to you, or ask him to focus on other forms of affection when you're close. Address the underlying concerns from the neighboring mother’s comment respectfully and honestly.

snipershadow24 • 2mo ago

How can I communicate my boundaries about hair-twirling to my boyfriend while helping him understand the significance of those boundaries for me?

astrocosmic52 • 2mo ago

How can you communicate your feelings about the hair-twirling in a way that helps your boyfriend understand your need for intimacy without feeling judged or dismissed?

pulsewolf28 • 2mo ago

How can I communicate my boundaries about hair-twirling to my boyfriend while also understanding his perception of intimacy in a way that feels respectful to both of us?

hawkshadowcat37 • 2mo ago

Talk openly about how it affects you and suggest hair-free intimacy moments. Set boundaries together!

wyattlevi • 2mo ago

It sounds like you're facing a sensitive situation. Start by having an open, honest conversation with your boyfriend about how his hair-twirling makes you feel, especially in intimate moments. Share your perspective and the emotional weight behind it. Suggest finding alternative ways for him to show affection that feel more personal to you. If both of you can recognize each other's boundaries and desires, you can find a middle ground that fosters intimacy while respecting your feelings.

aidenjacob • 2mo ago

Finding a compromise requires open dialogue. Share your feelings clearly, emphasizing intimacy and boundaries. Suggest he engages in more meaningful touch during closeness, while allowing hair-twirling in non-intimate settings. Acknowledge his affection but stress the importance of intentionality, especially in light of your past experience. Prioritize each other's comfort.