I [18F] want to improve myself for my boyfriend [19M] as soon as possible.

I'm feeling immense time pressure right now. There's so much I need to address and correct, and I'm not sure if I'll have enough time to do it all before it becomes too late. **TL;DR**: I struggle with pathological lying, forget ways to support my partner, and panic when he's upset or sad. Let me explain the urgency I'm facing: my boyfriend is autistic and has ADHD, OCD, and depression. We’re both trans, but his struggle with dysphoria is much more impactful than mine. His depression has deepened recently due to the disapproval from his parents regarding his identity, challenges at college, and my own actions. This depression has led to suicidal thoughts and doubts about the stability of our relationship. While I'm naturally worried about our relationship, my primary concern is his well-being. I care deeply about him and want to see him happy and alive, which intensifies the pressure I feel. The latest issue I'm grappling with is my tendency to lie. Hurting my boyfriend is the last thing I want to do, but my anxiety leads me to twist the truth to avoid conflict. Unfortunately, this usually backfires; when he uncovers the truth, it hurts him even more than if I had been honest from the start. I've been lying for a long time—altering details and even denying my actions—and it's only now that I'm truly recognizing the pain I've caused someone I love. I realize I need to be more mindful and understand that trying to avoid blame only leads to greater consequences, but I could really use some guidance. I feel terrible about this habit, and I desperately want to change. For instance, when playing a game we both enjoy, I might do something without him and then lie about it, fearing it would hurt his feelings. It's ironic that something minor could turn into a major issue because of my panic-driven dishonesty. How can I stop this quickly? Another challenge is my struggle with being present, especially in difficult situations. I've lost count of how many times he’s told me the same thing, and I still fail to remember or implement the right strategies. He often feels sad, lonely, or hurt by my actions. In response to his distress, I frequently panic and fail to utilize the coping strategies we've discussed. He has shared techniques that help him, and I’ve even managed to apply some successfully, but when he’s in crisis, I often freeze or forget everything. My memory isn’t great, but I can remember important things. His well-being is extremely important to me, so I’m left feeling conflicted: if I care so much, why can’t I stay calm and respond appropriately? I often find myself just waiting for him to feel better, repeatedly failing to provide meaningful support and resorting to apologies. I try hard, but my panic usually prevents me from doing anything helpful. Moreover, I often don’t seem to learn from my past mistakes, which adds to my frustration. How can I genuinely **change?** I feel awful knowing that I'm contributing to my boyfriend's struggles and affecting his mental health. If I want to stop, why do I keep repeating the same mistakes? I keep saying and doing things that hurt him, even after being reminded not to. Why is it so hard to overcome this? I love him deeply, and I don’t want to hurt him at all; something feels off in how I’m approaching this. Additionally, I struggle to notice his nonverbal cues that indicate his discomfort, sadness, or anger. Whether he’s picking at his skin or looking down, I often miss these signs until it's far too late. I try mindfulness exercises throughout the day, but my ability to stay mentally present is incredibly poor. There’s so much more I wish I could articulate. I feel profoundly lost and scared, uncertain of what steps to take. Even the smallest piece of advice would mean the world to me.