I was unfaithful to my wife (29F), and now I'm seeking guidance on how to either rebuild or renew our relationship.
I'm feeling really low after making a huge mistake a month ago; I cheated on my wife by texting another woman on Christmas Eve. I had brought home a case of beer for myself, as I'm not really into the holidays. I made an effort to clean the apartment and get the kids involved to help out. Unfortunately, things spiraled out of control that night. After consuming two edibles and drinking ten beers, I was definitely not in the right mindset. I mistakenly thought my wife was in a Discord chat with friends, and I vaguely remember someone expressing love, which led to a conversation about breasts. From there, I ended up messaging this woman I didn't even know, asking for inappropriate pictures. I never received any pictures, but I spent the whole night complimenting her looks and expressing some rather crazy thoughts like wanting to be an "international husband." When I woke up the next morning and saw those messages on my phone, I was utterly heartbroken. I've never acted like this in the decade I've been with my wife. I tried to brush it off with the woman I contacted, saying I didn't mean what I said, and she just replied, "It's okay, you were drunk." I even ended up yelling at others in the group, though I can't remember any of it. Out of shame and disgust for myself, I kept this from my wife for five days, hoping it would just fade away. I didn't want to reach out to the woman again or engage any further; I was horrified at the thought of hurting my wife like this. Now, after a month of reflection, I've been digging into my childhood trauma and what led me to this point. I've been reading books on healing and trying to put more effort into my marriage. I want to be a better husband and make the necessary changes to move forward. I realized that my wife is truly amazing; my mistake was getting lazy in the relationship. I studied the concepts of personal awakening and am now focusing on self-improvement while also giving my wife space. I'm seeking therapy for my trauma, though it's quite expensive. I'm working on rebuilding myself, breaking down the walls I had up, and envisioning the man I want to be for my wife. Has anyone else experienced something similar and found help? Are you still together?