Nonverbal Communication

I’m a 30-year-old woman, and my boyfriend is 32. We’ve been together for nearly nine years. In the past, he has shared that when he feels upset, sad, anxious, or depressed, he tends to shut down—which I completely understand. These periods of withdrawal can last anywhere from half a day to four days. It pains me to see him go through this alone, especially since he has mentioned that opening up might help, but he struggles to do so. I, on the other hand, thrive on transparency and open communication about issues that matter. Over time, I learned that confronting him can really affect him negatively, so I’ve been attending therapy for the past few years. This has helped me find ways to find closure on my own and approach sensitive topics in a less confrontational manner. Additionally, I've been working on my own trust issues stemming from his infidelities in the first year of our relationship (that’s a whole other story). He promised to work on his communication and attend therapy as well, but in the year and a half since he first made that promise, he has only managed to attend about four or five sessions. Fast forward to now: we hardly ever argue, and he seldom initiates conflicts. This could be because he is more easygoing and not easily bothered, or it may stem from his fear of confrontation, causing him to bottle up any negative feelings or criticisms to avoid tough discussions. We’ve agreed to strike a balance between my approach to conflict and his. The understanding was that if he needs time to himself, he should at least communicate that and provide a timeframe for when we can resume talking—whether it’s a day, a few hours, or something else. However, we had a disagreement nearly four days ago, and since then, he has been giving me the silent treatment without communicating his need for space or how long it would last. He approached me once during this time, which made me think he was ready to talk, but it escalated into another argument, during which he accused me of "forcing him to talk when he didn’t want to," even though he initiated the conversation. After that, I decided to give him space and ignore him. He later expressed that he still wanted us to attend a party we had agreed on, so we went. At the party, he publicly ignored and dismissed me in front of our friends and even conversed with one of the women he had cheated on me with before. This felt intentional, as though he was trying to hurt or punish me. I was upset and quietly left the party alone, returning to our place, which prompted a conversation I initiated the next morning. In hindsight, I should have waited for him to approach me instead. The discussion lasted over 30 minutes, during which he insisted that I wasn’t respecting his need for space and that approaching the woman wasn’t meant to hurt me. He also admitted he has no intentions of attending therapy and believes I am asking too much by simply wanting him to communicate when he’s experiencing anxiety and needs time, as well as how long he might need. I don’t require detailed insight into his thoughts—just a little heads-up. He claims my request is controlling and disrespectful. For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with feeling guilty easily, so I can’t help but wonder if I’m overreacting or indeed asking for too much, as he claims.