My wife dislikes 'notes'.

My wife and I have been experiencing intense fights this past week, and it feels worse than any time before. We are both in our mid-40s and have been together for 11 years. On a separate note, I've discovered that I'm on the autism spectrum—a realization that came only a few years ago, as I always thought I was just a bit unusual. We both carry the weight of traumatic pasts along with significant baggage. We have an 8-year-old daughter who is also on the spectrum, but in her case, she faces more challenges with verbal communication and social interactions than I did, despite having a formal diagnosis. Parenting her requires the efforts of both of us, complicating our situation beyond just being "incompatible" and needing to separate. Last night, we managed to uncover what I believe is at the heart of our issues. She dislikes any form of feedback, commonly referred to as "notes." Over the years, there have been times when she's been cold and distant, but I didn't understand why until now—it's because I had given her notes. Take a recent example: I really enjoy it when she touches me. A simple rub on my head or scalp in the morning significantly improves my day. I mentioned this to her and asked if she could spend just 10-15 seconds each morning to do this as she walked by. She agreed and it was wonderful, but soon it diminished to every other day, then to every third day, and when I pointed it out, she stopped altogether. When I express appreciation for something she did, she often interprets it as criticism, thinking, "Oh, I've been failing by not doing this before." This makes it difficult for me to communicate any of my needs or desires without it feeling like an attack or a "note" to her. Conversely, she has no issues giving me feedback or asking me to do things for her. I actually appreciate her notes; they make it easier for me to meet her expectations. For instance, after she injured her back last summer and began experiencing pain in her legs, I have given her leg and foot massages nearly every single day for the last six months, customizing the treatments according to her requests. However, when she revealed that her lack of affection stemmed from my notes, I felt hurt and betrayed, as though I were being punished. In the past, when I brought up her coldness, she would attribute it to being tired or stressed, never revealing that it was my actions that bothered her. She disagrees with my perspective, arguing that it's natural to withdraw affection when upset with someone. However, I countered that when I’ve done the same to her, she labeled it as immature and hurtful behavior. For example, when I’ve been upset, I didn’t bring her coffee in bed, and after discussing it with her, I agreed to stop that behavior as it was deemed unkind. I'm seeking advice on how to handle this situation, especially since she is resistant to therapy—though she herself is trained in the field and feels she cannot take seriously anyone without a PhD and decades of experience. I am growing weary of constantly being expected to meet her needs while being unable to voice my own. We have additional issues, but this seems to be the main barrier to our progress. At this point, I’m contemplating whether to stop asking her for anything entirely and see how that impacts our relationship. I love her deeply and am fully committed to her. Any advice beyond suggesting a breakup would be greatly appreciated.