My boyfriend, who is 34, is upset because I, 32, only said "I love you" after he expressed his feelings first. What do you think?
We've been together for nearly five years, living together, and it's been a challenging relationship for me. This is my first serious relationship, while he has had significant relationships prior to ours. I’ve come to realize that I have unresolved issues and tend to get defensive during certain conversations. Unfortunately, this defensiveness has hurt him on multiple occasions, and he feels he has been patient with me. He often expresses reasons for not wanting to be with me, saying that I need to change and improve in order for him to accept me. I agree that I need to do better because I want to stop being defensive. Whenever we encounter issues, he often threatens to break up with me but then we discuss it and try to find a way to move forward. During these discussions, he tends to critique my life and makes comments that sting, stating it's a reaction to the hurt I’ve caused him. My intention is never to hurt him; it usually stems from my past, where I find myself fighting old ghosts. When misunderstandings arise, I try to clarify, but he perceives my need to rephrase things as defensiveness, which makes him feel like I’m being confrontational. I become distant because I feel attacked, and I wish he would approach our conversations differently. This pattern has continued for a while, along with other issues we've faced, which I can explain later. This morning, while I’m away for the holidays, I texted him saying, "Hey baby, good morning." He replied that he didn't want to talk and needed space, without expressing love. Since he didn’t say "I love you," I didn’t either, as it felt hurtful. Although I tell him I love him, sometimes he doesn’t respond, and I take it to heart. Later, he messaged me, telling me to have a good day and added, "I love you." In response, I wished him a good day and reciprocated the love, but he became upset, saying I only said it because he did and that it was unnecessary to restate "have a good day" just to say "I love you." I explained that I misunderstood and thought he was encouraging me to respond that way. He reacted harshly, questioning my intelligence for believing I misinterpreted his message. As our conversation progressed, he said he was moving out and has blocked my number and all my social media accounts. I feel so lost right now. I understand how my responses might have come across as insincere, but I genuinely meant what I said. It's tough to be vulnerable with him when it seems like he doesn't want to communicate. I don’t know how to navigate this situation, and I often feel like a terrible person. I love him deeply, yet I'm feeling so lost. **TLDR;** We've had a lot of issues, and after he indicated he wanted to be alone today and didn’t say "I love you," I refrained from saying it too. When he later messaged me wishing me a good day and saying "I love you," I replied in kind and wished him a Merry Christmas. He got upset, claiming I only reciprocated because he said it first, and now he wants to break up and move out.