I lost the one who genuinely cared for me, and I’m at a loss on how to cope with it...

**College Story - (M20)** I'm not quite sure why I'm sharing this, but I need to pour out what I’ve been holding in. It’s been a month since I lost her, and I still can’t seem to move on. I've isolated myself—no friends around, deleted my Instagram, and without distractions like singing or music. It feels like I'm trapped in an endless cycle of regret and pain. **Chapter 1: The Perfect Illusion** I lost her—the one person who loved me wholeheartedly. She was the only girl who truly understood me, who stood by me, fought for me, and made me feel enough. And I messed it all up. She was my first in so many ways—not just romantically, but in life. She was the first person I studied with late into the night, the first girl I danced with in the rain, the first one to see my worst side and still choose me. She took care of me when I was ill, made sure I was eating right, and checked in on me. She was the first to teach me what love really is, motivating and encouraging me through everything. She was the first person I trusted with my deepest secrets and dreams. Now she’s gone, and I don’t know how to cope without her. I used to remember every little detail—the outfit she wore on our first date, the way her face lit up with genuine happiness, her incredible coding skills, and how she'd lie on my chest sharing her dreams. I wrote her letters, made handmade cards, and apologized whenever we argued. She once told me, “This is the best relationship I’ve ever had,” and I believed her. She was my home. We had our special moments—our own songs, our inside jokes, our favorite films. She loved *Jab We Met*, and I even recreated the dance scene from *Tum Se Hi* just to bring her a smile. We had the same birthday week, and we both adored a singer who sadly passed away around that time. All of those small things felt like destiny. But then, I shattered it. Like all couples, we had our fights, but we never let them linger—until one day when we had the worst argument. She accused me of not giving her enough time, that I had stopped putting in the effort. She was right. I was spending more time with friends, thinking she would always be there. I took her for granted. In anger, she broke up with me, and for the first time, she didn’t come back. I assumed it was over, so when another girl from my friend group expressed interest in me, I went along with it. I messed up; I should have known better but was just trying to fill the void. Two days later, my girlfriend wanted to reconcile. That’s when it hit me—I didn’t want anyone else. I cut off the other girl immediately and went back to my girlfriend. However, something had shifted. We began arguing more often. When I asked if she was happy, I foolishly said, “If you’re not happy, you should find someone who understands you better.” That was the worst thing to say. It made her doubt everything, and instead of repairing things, I made another mistake. I started talking to the other girl again, thinking I could handle it. We grew closer, sharing things I should have only shared with my girlfriend. As I confided in her about my struggles, she revealed her past. I let her in at one of my lowest points. Then my girlfriend sent me a long message listing our issues, and I became confused. But soon, I realized that my feelings for the other girl weren’t the same as what I had with my girlfriend. So I told her we should just be friends with limited interaction—nothing more. I stopped talking to the other girl, hoping that would resolve everything. But it was too late. **Chapter 2: The Fall** My girlfriend found out. She called the other girl, who twisted the truth to make me look terrible. She told my girlfriend that I had been leading her on, that I was playing both sides. My girlfriend initially believed her and even manipulated our friends into thinking I was entirely at fault. I can’t deny I was wrong, but so was she. Just like that, I lost it all... At home, my girlfriend felt crushed. When her parents found out, they urged her to stop speaking to me. Despite this, she tried to fix things, and I was trying too, but our past kept resurfacing. We attempted to work through things over a few days, but she still complained and fought with me. Yet, I was determined to reconcile completely. She didn’t leave right away. Knowing our exams were approaching, she stayed to support me. But once our papers ended, she walked away and blocked me on all platforms. I begged, cried, and even resorted to self-harm out of heartbreak. I even shaved my beard for the first time since ninth grade, which had become my confidence. I did it to remind myself of the pain I had caused to someone who only wanted to love me. My family was shocked by my transformation, but it changed nothing. She told me, “You broke my trust. You broke my heart. You broke me,” and added, “I’m 20. I can find someone better than you.” That crushed my spirit. We had been communicating when she was home, and one day she mentioned liking someone else. I didn’t believe her at first, thinking it was a way to push me away, but it turned out to be true. Now she’s with someone new. Today, I saw her, and she talked about the guy she’s dating. My heart sank with every word she spoke, describing how they were bonding, sharing photos, and feeling an undeniable connection. It was like reliving our moments through her descriptions. She talked about their shared ambitions as if it were preordained. I begged her to come back, losing all sense of dignity and self-respect—I desperately want her back. It eats away at me every day. She seems to take pleasure in this, showcasing her new relationship in front of me. She casually mentions everything they do together, even calling him while I’m there, as if to provoke jealousy. It feels like she enjoys making me envious. She had a minor crush on him before, and I can’t help but think that’s the reason she pursued him now. She’s giving him the attention I once received, and I'm left feeling abandoned. I keep questioning if I’m overthinking things or if she’s genuinely connecting with him. Shouldn’t I deserve just one more chance to prove I can be with her and marry her? What hurts even more is that due to my past mistakes and flirty behavior, people labeled me a playboy. Now, my friends, seniors, and her new boyfriend suggest she avoids him because he has a similar reputation. It feels like my self-obsession has led to my downfall, and because of that, I’ve lost everything. **Chapter 3: The Reckoning** The most terrifying thought lingers—will I ever find love again? Will anyone ever love me like she did? Do I even deserve it? I’m unsure what I hope to achieve by posting this. I just need someone to tell me—what should I do now? Should I attempt one last time to reach out? Should I wait, hoping she’ll unblock me? Or should I finally accept that I’ve lost the one person who truly loved me? Any advice or suggestions would mean the world to me.