I believe I have a plan, but I would appreciate some advice.

My wife (48) and I (36) have been navigating a divorce. I believe I can't fully mend our relationship until she can let go of my past actions. I'm also focused on taking responsibility for my mistakes while remaining humble in my apologies. Throughout our 15-year relationship, I have emotionally cheated several times. I thought we had resolved these issues, but even though she insists she forgave me for various infractions, she often expresses how hurt she still feels by them. I struggled to accept accountability for my actions, and this led her to reflect on our entire time together, resulting in her perceiving my behavior as abusive and manipulative. I acknowledge that her perception is valid, even if those actions were not intentional. As my therapist points out, "Everyone has their own truth, shaped by their perceptions." Just because I don’t see my actions in the same light doesn’t mean she doesn't perceive them as harmful. Now, a year into this process, I find myself in a position where I never wanted a divorce. After everything unfolded, I opened up completely, allowing her access to everything. She uncovered instances she believes are cheating, along with other things like a single Google search about divorce or paternity. I recognize that I should have cleared my browser history, and she interprets this as proof that I've always wanted a divorce and never trusted her. From my perspective, both of those claims are untrue. We attempted couples therapy, but it was brief, as she decided it wasn't beneficial and chose to stop. I want to work through our issues, particularly for our children. At one time, I was invested in repairing our relationship, and while I still love her, the ongoing "reactive abuse" is diminishing my interest. I've been in therapy throughout this journey, committed to personal growth. I understand I'm far from perfect, and I've come to realize that many of my current struggles originate from childhood abandonment trauma, which is being triggered by her decision to divorce. But whether this situation is my fault, her fault, or simply a series of unfortunate circumstances seems to weigh heavily on her. I'm working on viewing our situation without judgment. We have a back-and-forth dynamic, particularly when she needs support. If she's unwell or needs assistance, I will drop everything to help. I hope that my support is contributing to her well-being, but I also acknowledge that my help primarily consists of caring for the kids and maintaining our family home. I'm uncertain about what to do next. I want to explore the possibility of repairing our relationship, but I find myself questioning whether my desire to be together is for our sake or for the children’s benefit. She may read this and it could lead to further complications. I feel I lack a trustworthy person to discuss these feelings with in real life, apart from my therapist.