My wife [35F] and I [38M] frequently find ourselves in disagreements about household responsibilities, and we're uncertain about how to address the issue.

Overall, our marriage is quite strong, and I believe we both truly love each other. We each attend individual therapy to work on personal growth, and we participated in couples therapy briefly. My challenges stem from a need for fairness and equality, along with dealing with depression and possibly bipolar disorder, while my wife struggles more with processing her emotions. We are fortunate to have three wonderful, easy-going kids who enjoy their sleep. While many aspects of our relationship are solid—such as shared values and goals—we do face recurring disagreements every three to six months about our contributions to family life. I tend to accomplish tasks (both speed and quantity) much faster than my wife, leading me to feel that she should contribute more at home, as I feel I’m doing a significant share. Conversely, she believes she is doing her best and that her current level of contribution is all she can manage. This issue didn't surface until the arrival of our children when time became limited. After a dispute, my wife often steps up for a while, but then her contributions seem to dwindle again. This tension escalated to the point where I mentioned divorce once, prompting us to seek couples therapy. My wife doesn’t face depression, and her hormone levels are fine, so that doesn’t seem to be the root of the problem. In terms of household responsibilities, I am currently working full-time while she is on parental leave. I manage the finances and budgeting, which we review together monthly. Housework, like cooking, cleaning, and shopping, is split evenly. Our two oldest children are in daycare, and she stays home with the baby, who naps well during the day and now sleeps through the night. I spend over an hour each evening with the family, and I prioritize family time over work on weekends. During our session with the couples therapist, my wife expressed feeling that I don’t spend enough time with the family, and while the therapist acknowledged her concerns, she quickly moved on. My frustration with our current arrangement is that, since my wife is on leave, I believe she should take on more household tasks as she has more time available. While she does engage in baby groups and playdates during the day, I often come home to find dinner hasn’t been prepared. Additionally, when the older kids are sick and unable to go to daycare, I sometimes have to take time off to help care for them. My wife views it as unfair for her to look after the kids when daycare is an option. Once she returns to work, she expects me to take more sick days for the kids because my schedule is more flexible. I suggested we keep a log of who takes off which days to ensure fairness, but she initially resisted, claiming I was being petty, though she eventually agreed after some discussion. When she’s at work, I feel the distribution of tasks is more balanced. I struggle with the feeling that I’m being taken advantage of, which is at the heart of our recurring conflicts. At her job, she often shares how quickly she accomplishes her tasks, and having met her boss, it’s clear she’s a high performer. She also enthusiastically organizes social events for us and the kids. If she has that capacity, why am I left managing so much at home? When I bring this up, I’m often told I’m being unreasonable (which might be true since I have limited relationship experience). I’ve noticed that she rarely takes responsibility or apologizes for significant matters, often responding with, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m trying my best.” I haven’t addressed the apparent inconsistency between her work performance and her efforts at home, fearing that it would lead to a major argument rather than a constructive discussion. I’m considering suggesting we return to couples therapy to facilitate a more balanced conversation. Ultimately, we need advice on how to navigate this situation, as we both recognize it as the main issue affecting our marriage. For me, a significant part of moving forward involves determining whether our current arrangement is fair, allowing me to proceed accordingly.