I’m a 25-year-old woman who fell in love with a 30-year-old man four years ago. We had a rough breakup, but I believe I still have feelings for him. What should I do?

I'm a 25-year-old woman who fell in love with a 30-year-old man, and we’ve been together for four years. He has an avoidant attachment style—whenever we have even the slightest disagreement or he hears something he doesn’t like, he disconnects the call and refuses to answer when I try to reach him again. This triggers my anxiety, leading me to call him repeatedly. When I tried giving him space, he would eventually come back, but we never managed to resolve anything. He would just act as if nothing had happened, leaving me without any sense of closure. This became the norm for the next four years. One evening, while visiting his city, I had a close friend over for drinks. I had an important interview the following morning, so after my friend left, I went to bed. I had already informed my boyfriend about this, and he seemed fine with it. At one point, he called to ask if my friend had departed, and I said I thought he would be leaving soon. I got caught up reminiscing with my friend and didn’t check my phone for a while. The next day, after my interview, I called my boyfriend, only to face accusations of infidelity. No matter what I said, he wouldn’t believe me. Desperate to prove my loyalty, I cut ties with that friend, but it changed nothing. A year has gone by, and he still clings to this belief, using it against me in arguments. The moment there's a disagreement, he weaponizes it, hangs up, and disappears. Recently, I moved to another country for my studies. It was both exhilarating and scary, and all I wanted was his support. Instead, he was fixated on whether any other guys were approaching me. I felt isolated and vulnerable, seeking some comfort, but every conversation turned back to his trust issues. When I called, he reminded me he wasn't a "phone person." This was a pattern even before my move. I know we’re both loyal to each other, but the burden of unresolved issues kept mounting. The anxiety became overwhelming. At some point, during arguments, I would initiate breakups, only for us to reconcile within hours or days. He despised this and pleaded with me not to do it. But when he left me, I felt so worthless that I would end things first, trying to take back some control. Eventually, we had an open discussion and agreed to give our relationship one last genuine chance. From that moment on, I stopped threatening to leave. I held on and fought for us because I loved him. But he didn’t uphold his promise. Instead, he continued to blame me, treating me worse than before. I cried myself to sleep every night, and it felt like he didn’t notice. He claims I'm defensive, and maybe he's right. I've been trying to work on it. But each time I lower my defenses, he seems to attack even harder. I cry, he leaves, I call endlessly, and he ignores me. The sorrow just compounds, creating a never-ending cycle. A few days ago, I reached a breaking point. I told him we needed to take a break and blocked him. Later, when I checked my messages, I found one last text from him: *"You will never find love. You will never know what love is. You’ll always be a f*ck and forget."* His words shattered me. How could someone I love so much view me like that? Yet, a part of me wants to believe that it was just his anger speaking.