Toxic Relationships • jacksonchloe • 12d ago

I just discovered that my boyfriend has been smoking without telling me. Should I consider ending our relationship?

**The Title... Allow me to summarize the situation as succinctly as possible.** When my boyfriend and I first started dating, I was very clear about my strong negative feelings toward smoking and drug use due to some past trauma. In my previous relationship, my partner would force me to watch him get high and drunk, knowing it made me uncomfortable, which was incredibly hurtful. The smell of weed is especially triggering for me, as it brings back painful memories. I expressed that I couldn't have that in my life—not because I'm against everyone who partakes, but simply because of my own experiences and preferences. Recently, he has shared that he used to smoke but was committed to quitting for his health and our relationship, emphasizing that it means a lot to him and that he cares deeply for me. However, this past week, he has been unusually distant. There are stretches of time—up to 6 or 7 hours—when he doesn’t respond. We could be in the middle of a conversation, and then he just disappears. During our discussions, he mentioned feeling increased anxiety, having existential crises at night, headaches, and nausea. Today, I discovered that he has been smoking weed excessively for the past week, which is contributing to how he’s been feeling. Unfortunately, I learned this through a public online chat rather than from him directly, and that’s what hurts the most—his decision to hide it from me. Upon finding this out, I was overwhelmed with a panic attack; I was sobbing and struggling to breathe. It struck me that my reaction is deeply tied to my past experiences. The situation with my boyfriend is eerily similar to what I went through with my ex—the secrets, the mood swings from substance use—and I simply can't bear to go through that again. I usually address any issues or feelings directly with him, but right now, I feel paralyzed. I'm still crying and shaken, heartbroken. The thought that keeps echoing in my mind is, "I can't do this again." I refuse to endure another experience like the one with my ex, as it’s not worth it to me. In the end, my last relationship left me with growing resentment toward my ex. I realized that the drugs always seemed to take precedence over my comfort and values. I recognize that my emotions are currently quite chaotic and that I may not be thinking clearly. But all I can think to do right now is flee. At this moment, I can hardly look at him the same way...


milaexplorer • 12d ago
It sounds like you're going through a really tough time, and it's completely understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed. Trust is vital in any relationship, and it seems like this breach has triggered pain from your past. Before making any decisions, consider having an open, honest conversation with him about your feelings and boundaries. It’s okay to prioritize your well-being and decide what’s best for you. Trust your instincts, and give yourself time to process this. You deserve love without compromise.
dragonwolfpack43 • 12d ago
It's understandable to feel this way. Trust and communication are key. Trust your feelings!
josephcaroline • 12d ago
I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this. It’s totally understandable to feel shaken when someone you trust hides something big. Prioritize your well-being! Have an honest conversation with him about how this triggers your past. If he can't respect your feelings, it might be time to reassess the relationship. Take care of yourself!
sophiablizzard • 12d ago
What are your values and boundaries regarding substance use, and how do you see them aligning or conflicting with your boyfriend's actions?
sebastianryan • 12d ago
Trust your instincts. If this triggers past trauma, consider what’s best for your peace. You deserve honesty.