I'm unsure if I should feel upset about this.

**LONG POST** NSFW **Please, if you don't have anything constructive to say, refrain from commenting.** I’m a 23-year-old female and my long-term boyfriend is 27. We've had a wonderful relationship for nearly four years. To get straight to the point, we’ve never really discussed porn. We both kind of understood that the other wasn’t particularly into it—I'm his first and he’s my second (if that matters)—so the topic just never came up. Our sex life has been solid; we enjoy the same things, and we generally align on most aspects. However, his sex drive is somewhat higher than mine. This usually isn’t an issue as I’ve been open about satisfying his needs, even when I’m not necessarily in the mood. Lately (over the past five months), I’ve been going through a challenging phase in my life, facing issues I’ve never dealt with before—feelings of depression, health concerns, financial stress, and typical uncertainties about my future at this age. I recognize that I’ve been less sexually available, and although I’ve expressed guilt about it to him, he has never made me feel bad about it. He’s genuinely the most comforting and caring person. Recently, I had a particularly tough morning and reached out to him at work, sharing that I’m struggling to be the person I aspire to be. I described feeling disconnected from my ideal self. This has nothing to do with our relationship; we both want to grow together and are committed to each other for the long haul. **This next part is crucial:** I shared with him that I want to improve on being more patient, loving, and sexually available—qualities that I hoped would make me feel better about myself. This morning, while we were looking through a post he made on a shared hobby on Reddit, I started reading the comments (which he invited me to do). I then, somewhat mindlessly, clicked on his recently visited communities and noticed a subreddit about porn that revolves around a kink we both share. I didn’t say anything, but I immediately felt uneasy and likely appeared withdrawn. I hadn’t processed my feelings yet, so when he asked me if something was wrong and if he could help, I downplayed it. About 20 minutes later, he came into our room and said, “Can I talk to you about something?” I feared I knew what he was going to bring up, but I responded affirmatively. He told me that he felt really horny the previous night and visited that subreddit but felt uncomfortable with it, so he ended up using pictures of me that I had sent him before. I can’t shake the feeling that he might have thought I knew about his browsing, which is why he brought it up. He’s quite oblivious and doesn’t realize I can see his recently visited pages. Despite having never felt distrustful towards him before, I can’t help but feel uneasy about these two thoughts. Overall, I feel really hurt. He knew I’ve been feeling down about not being as sexually available, and I had just opened up to him about wanting to change. And then, just two days later, this happens? It makes me feel unloved, like a burden—like I put myself in this situation. I’m really at a loss about how to process my feelings since we never set any boundaries regarding porn in our relationship. **TL;DR:** My boyfriend of almost four years admitted he visited a porn subreddit but felt uncomfortable and didn’t follow through. Since we haven't established any boundaries about porn within our relationship, I'm uncertain if my sadness is warranted.