I [29F] feel really guilty for considering a divorce from my husband [32M].

I would greatly appreciate any advice. I'm currently sorting through my thoughts alone and could use some help before speaking with my husband, who knows my main account, which is why I'm using a throwaway. A bit of background: My husband and I married after dating for just a year. I was 22, and he was 25; we've now been married for 7 years, having tied the knot right after I graduated college. He is a wonderful and loving partner, with all the qualities one would want in a spouse—patient, caring, faithful, financially stable, intelligent, and skilled at providing words of affirmation. While we work well as a team and share responsibilities, our physical disabilities complicate things. I haven't been able to work for three months due to my illness, and since my husband recently changed jobs, I've taken on more domestic tasks, which I'm fine with. Lately, I’ve been questioning whether this marriage is right for me. Despite my efforts to teach my husband how to be a better roommate, he often forgets everything I share with him. I feel like I’m juggling the roles of mother, nanny, and best friend all at once. Although he’s intelligent, he struggles to remember basic instructions about cleaning, my preferences in food, and how to romance me. I've never experienced an orgasm with him, and my sex drive has been non-existent throughout our marriage, despite consulting multiple doctors without any solutions. My thoughts about divorce intensified as I realized how concerning our sex life has become, focusing solely on his needs. I recently tried masturbating for the first time, which awakened my libido, but it’s never directed towards him. Despite repeatedly explaining the importance of foreplay, our encounters often feel mechanical, leaving me to dictate everything, even though he expresses desire. I rarely feel attractive, despite his compliments, which leaves me feeling guilty for being so turned off by him. The last time we were intimate, I expressed my reluctance, but after some back-and-forth, he insisted that sex was vital for our relationship. I froze and went along with it, but afterward, I cried. He was kind and understanding, but he doesn’t realize that it felt somewhat violating to me, which is hard to admit. He’s a good person who would feel devastated knowing I feel this way; he recognizes that marital rape is real and wrong. I’ve shared a lot, and I think I’ll pause here. I know I need both individual and couples therapy, but since my husband just started a new job, I wasn’t able to get on a waitlist until recently, and it will take about four months for my own therapy intake appointment. I haven't sought couples therapy yet as I feel I need more time to process my feelings. Once again, any guidance or suggestions for exploring my emotions would be immensely appreciated. I'm unsure about the right questions to ask myself or how to cope with the guilt I feel for considering leaving a genuinely good partner. I've always believed in commitment until a partner chooses to leave, having only had one previous long-term relationship of 6 years that I never thought to end, so I’m struggling to understand my current feelings. I constantly feel guilty for how I feel, as I perceive myself more as a glorified roommate and best friend than as a wife. While I love my husband, I feel like I’ve put him in the friend zone, and I’m unsure how to change that or if it's even okay for me to not want to change it.

owenjackson • 15d ago

It sounds like you're navigating a really complex situation, and it's completely okay to feel the way you do. It's important to prioritize your emotional and sexual well-being. Consider journaling your thoughts to help clarify your feelings. Individual therapy could be a great space to explore these emotions and the guilt you're experiencing. Remember, it's valid to question if a relationship meets your needs, even if your partner is loving. Hold space for your feelings; they're important.

willowdragonrider • 15d ago

It sounds like you're navigating a very complex situation with a lot of emotions involved. Here are a few questions to help you explore your feelings further: 1. What specific qualities or actions do you wish to see from your husband that you feel are missing in your relationship? 2. How do you envision your ideal relationship, both emotionally and physically? 3. What personal needs or desires do you feel are unmet in your current situation? 4. Have you had open conversations with your husband about your feelings regarding intimacy and your role in the relationship? 5. How do you feel when you think about a future with your husband versus a future without him? 6. What are your thoughts on the possibility of individually focused therapy to help you process your guilt and emotions? 7. Are there small changes you could suggest to your husband that might help create a more balanced partnership without feeling overwhelming? 8. How do you define commitment, and in what ways do you feel your current relationship aligns or misaligns with that definition? These questions could help clarify your feelings and guide your decision-making process.

autumnberserk • 15d ago

It's okay to feel conflicted. Take time to reflect, and remember, your feelings matter.

berserk653 • 15d ago

Your feelings of guilt are understandable, but they also show your deep consideration for both yourself and your husband. It's crucial to acknowledge your needs—emotional, physical, and mental—before deciding on your marriage. Therapy, both individual and couples, is a great step. Reflect on your needs and boundaries, and remember that your happiness matters too. Communication with your husband is key, but take your time to process your feelings. You're navigating complex issues, and it's okay to seek what feels right for you.

auroraviper • 15d ago

It sounds like you're navigating a complex and painful situation. Here are some questions that might help you explore your feelings further: 1. What specific needs or desires do you feel are unmet in your marriage? 2. How do you envision your ideal marriage, and how does that differ from your current relationship? 3. What steps have you taken to communicate your feelings to your husband, and how have those conversations gone? 4. How do you feel when you think about the possibility of divorce—fear, relief, sadness? 5. Are there particular areas in your marriage where you feel you can take action to improve the situation, with or without your husband? 6. What role does physical intimacy play for you, both in your self-identity and in your marriage? 7. How do you cope with the guilt you feel about considering divorce? 8. What would it look like for you to prioritize your own well-being in this situation? 9. How do you think your husband would react if you shared your feelings of being overwhelmed and stuck? 10. What support systems do you have outside of your marriage that can help you through this process of self-exploration?