A 32-year-old husband, married for 15 years, desires to explore polyamory and is feeling resentment towards me, a 32-year-old wife, for not being on the same page.

My husband endured a difficult childhood before we crossed paths at 17. By that time, he was living independently after a tumultuous relationship with his mother and a court case involving a molestation claim against his coach. He carried a lot of trauma and often felt isolated, yet he was remarkably kind and attentive, treating me like a treasure. As someone who had never dated before, I quickly fell for him and ultimately decided to move in with him against my family's wishes, hoping to support him during the emotional turmoil surrounding his court case. His struggles sometimes led him to despair, and I worried deeply for his well-being. As time passed, the stress I had taken on became overwhelming. I was trying to balance finishing high school with honors, working a job, and caring for both our apartment and his emotional needs. By my mid-twenties, I reached a breaking point and fell seriously ill. It took a long time to recover, but eventually, I did, and we got married. With aspirations of returning to work, I was grateful when my grandmother offered to help me go to college. I discussed it with my husband, who initially supported the idea, understanding that it would delay my paycheck for a few years since I was starting from scratch in software engineering and needed to devote significant time to studying and projects. However, just a few months into college, my husband faced several suicide attempts and had to take a leave from work. My parents stepped in to support us when government assistance fell short for a year, but then my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and they could no longer help. My husband struggled to navigate the job market but eventually found a new full-time position that barely covers our rent and bills, leaving little for food or other necessities. Throughout our relationship, we've experienced our share of challenges. I appreciate his character and have managed to adapt to many of his habits, but all I ask in return is for him to contribute a bit more around the apartment or to be kinder when he's upset. Unfortunately, these requests often trigger painful memories for him, stemming from his past with his mother, resulting in complicated dynamics where I feel he perceives me as the "evil wife" archetype and shuts me out. When I try to address these issues, or if I inadvertently irritate him with minor actions, it escalates into an avalanche of grievances he has with me. My memory issues and some undiagnosed ADHD-like tendencies lead to misunderstandings, making him feel ignored or uncared for. I never intend to neglect him, but he operates under the belief that "actions speak louder than words," meaning that unless I am able to change my behavior, he believes I must not care. When negative assumptions arise, attempts to clarify are often labeled as gaslighting, and compromises are dismissed as deceit. This leaves me feeling defeated before any conversation begins, yet I've engaged in these discussions for 15 years, hoping to help him process his feelings so we can move forward. Instead, it often feels like we just drag the past along, complicating even the smallest issues. This brings us to the topic of polyamory. My husband has conveyed that he cannot find happiness in our relationship without some form of polyamory. He doesn't wish for an open relationship or swinging all the time, but he desires the flexibility for other couples or individuals to come and go. He feels that no single person can provide him with all the love and attention he needs, and he believes that this arrangement would ultimately save our relationship while allowing him to feel acknowledged. I've always identified as monogamous and don't have anything against polyamory, but I know what works for me. I can't bear the thought of seeing another woman being intimate with my husband, nor do I feel comfortable with a casual encounter with another man. I experience deep emotions tied to intimacy and find it hard to imagine how a situation involving multiple partners could work for me. Being detached feels unappealing, and being emotionally invested seems overwhelming. I am already struggling to manage my connection with my husband, and the prospect of navigating the emotional complexities of multiple relationships fills me with dread. It's painful to realize that after all this time, he is not satisfied with what we can offer each other. I recognize that I have my flaws and that he feels he must endure some aspects of my personality, but isn't that inherent to relationships? We accept each other's imperfections knowing they come together with the qualities we cherish, and no one is obligated to be perfect. I may not fit every ideal he has for a partner, but I accept him as he is, acknowledging his limitations just as he confronts his own struggles. I genuinely value the connection we've built. I cherish our long conversations and those moments when he shows kindness—they feel like heaven. Yet, a sense of dissatisfaction lingers. It’s becoming clear that I won’t be able to meet his needs unless I open up our relationship. As I navigate my second year of college, my workload is extremely demanding, and the added strain of this situation overwhelms me. I have no one to confide in about this matter. Is there a way to help him find satisfaction in our current relationship, or should I let go, even if it would be painful, so he can thrive? I want to continue sharing my life with him, but I can't endure this growing resentment directed at me, nor do I know how to diffuse the tension between us. Over the years, his conversations have left me perplexed. He describes it as occasional wife swapping, yet I’ve seen how relationships have crumbled over similar dynamics. He desires more than just that, leading me to question what would prevent the boundaries from shifting further once I agree to explore. Am I prepared for the emotional turmoil that could arise if things escalate? While he claims to love me and wants to grow old together, I find myself confused about how that could be possible when he seeks more than I can provide. Is it so unreasonable to wish for a partner who is content just being with me as I am?