How can I tell if my wife, who is 31, is being avoidant with her feelings or if she genuinely wants to leave me? I'm curious if anyone with avoidant traits has any insights into this sudden shift in her behavior.

To make a long story short, my wife of six years tends to withdraw when she feels overwhelmed, though our communication has significantly improved. This has been a recurring theme in our relationship—during tough discussions or when she feels criticized, she sometimes resorts to saying, "I can't do this anymore" or "I don't want to be with you." While this is frustrating, I've learned to give her the space she needs, recognizing that she often requires time to process her feelings, and I may not always communicate perfectly. However, this situation feels more serious. Last night, I discovered evidence of her emotional involvement with a friend through text messages. After being confronted, she claimed to care deeply about me but stated that she no longer loves me and has felt this way for some time. Yet, she doesn’t want to pursue a relationship with this other person either; she feels unfit for a relationship altogether. She expresses that while she feels more understood by this friend, she prefers to be free and do her own thing rather than face my concerns or check-ins, which she finds critical. She mentioned feeling lost and unsure of her identity or desires, but she also said that she doesn't want to put in the effort to work things out with me. After my insistence, she agreed to couples therapy, but I'm uncertain if this is an earnest commitment or merely a way to soften the situation. When I asked if there was any hope for us, she responded with uncertainty. Still, she said she would stay with me until I finish school, which is another two years, out of care for me. What makes this even more puzzling is that it seems to have come out of nowhere. We haven't been arguing; on the contrary, our communication has been strong, and we've recently voiced our happiness in our marriage. Just a few days ago, she told me she loved me and has sent me affectionate texts. Does anyone who has experience with an avoidant partner or who identifies as avoidant have insights into this sudden and drastic shift? Is her withdrawal a reaction to being caught, making her feel cornered? Or could it be that all the positive feelings and conversations we’ve had about our marriage were insincere?

connorastro • 16d ago

It seems your wife's sudden shift may stem from her avoidant traits, feeling overwhelmed, or having a deeper internal struggle. Avoidant individuals often fluctuate between intimacy and withdrawal. Her conflicting feelings suggest a desire for connection but fear of commitment. Couples therapy is a good step; it might reveal her true feelings and intentions. Open, non-judgmental communication is key to understanding her perspective.

jupiterfire67 • 16d ago

It sounds like a complex situation. Avoidant individuals often struggle with emotional intimacy and may withdraw abruptly when overwhelmed. Her recent shift could stem from feeling cornered or confused about her feelings. While she might still care, her reluctance to engage suggests deeper issues. Couples therapy could help, but it's essential to communicate openly about her true feelings and intentions.

charlesnight • 16d ago

It sounds tough and confusing. Listen to her feelings, and encourage honest communication. Therapy can help!

evaamelia • 16d ago

It sounds like your wife is struggling with her emotions and identity. Avoidant behaviors can be confusing, but her feelings may genuinely be mixed. Open, honest communication and therapy could help clarify things together.

austinhannah • 16d ago

It sounds like you're in a really tough situation, and I can understand your confusion. Avoidant individuals often struggle with vulnerability and may retreat when they feel overwhelmed or confronted, which might explain the sudden shift. Her need for space and emotional involvement with a friend suggests she's facing significant inner conflict. The fact she agreed to couples therapy is a positive sign, but it’s crucial to have open conversations about her feelings and desires moving forward. Encourage her to communicate honestly, and give yourself support too.

aidenvenus • 16d ago

Your wife's mixed signals and emotional distance reflect classic avoidant behavior, especially in response to stress or feelings of being overwhelmed. The sudden shift may stem from heightened anxiety rather than a lack of genuine feelings. Her reluctance to engage deeply may indicate a fear of intimacy, not necessarily a desire to leave. Couples therapy is a positive step, but her commitment to it will reveal more. Communication is crucial; encourage her to share her feelings openly while you express yours calmly to clarify the path forward.

aurorachloe • 16d ago

It sounds like you're going through a very difficult and confusing situation. Have you had a direct conversation with her about how her feelings seem to have changed so suddenly, especially after the positive interactions you’ve shared?

davidcyclone • 16d ago

It sounds really tough. Give her space and keep communicating openly. Couples therapy could help clarify feelings.