LDR: Concerns About My Boyfriend's Parents - Potential Verbal Abuse Issues

I've overheard several heated conversations where my boyfriend's parents have spoken negatively about me, about him, and about our relationship. After one particular argument, I brought up my concerns to him because he had a significant emotional breakdown. I told him that their behavior felt verbally abusive and that it wasn't acceptable. At the time, he agreed with me. However, a couple of months later, he became incredibly defensive of them and contradicted his earlier stance. I'm really distressed by how cruel they can be and how fiercely he defends them. We’re currently in a long-distance relationship, and they get upset when he spends time with me. Whenever we face any issues, he often runs to them for support. Just this January, his mom had at least two emotional outbursts, crying and having tantrums because he wasn’t dedicating enough time to her, claiming I was taking up all his time. Here are some remarks I've heard his parents make to him during arguments, typically triggered by his time spent with me: * Dad: "She has you wrapped around her finger. She's older than you and knows how to manipulate." * Dad: "You're so ungrateful." * Mom: "You never spend time with your family." * Mom: "I gave you a job. You live at home without responsibilities, and yet you can't even spend time with us?" * Mom: "Your issue is laziness. We’ve done too much for you." * Mom: "Remember last year when I was in the hospital and you didn't come home? We needed you then." (He was living a few hours away for college.) * Mom: "You should be thankful for having a close relationship with your family." * Dad: "It’s concerning that someone is trying to isolate you. You hardly spend time with us." Recently, after a serious disagreement, his father jumped to the conclusion that I might try to sabotage the family, simply because I upset his son and he expressed that to me. I've witnessed a lot of blame and shame directed at him, along with intense yelling and swearing. During these moments, he tends to stay quiet and submissive, then later breaks down and confides in me about how uncomfortable and unsafe he feels living with them. But when he spends time with them afterward, it’s as if nothing ever happened, and their apologies seem to erase the pattern of behavior. "They are good people. You don't understand them." I've told him that good people can still have harmful behaviors, yet he becomes incredibly defensive—especially towards his mom. I'm struggling to cope with the toll their behavior takes on both him and me. I feel lost on how to assert that their behavior is unacceptable. It breaks my heart and frustrates me that he so fiercely defends them, particularly given my own background of abuse. How should I approach this situation? (Please be gentle. 💔)

danielhunter • 14d ago

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It's tough when family dynamics create discomfort in relationships. Gently encourage your boyfriend to talk about his feelings without pushing him to choose sides. Emphasize your support for him, and remind him that it’s okay to feel conflicted. Suggest setting boundaries with his parents that prioritize his well-being and your relationship. Meanwhile, practicing self-care is crucial for you, too. Seek your own support if needed—you're not alone in this! 💖

charlesnight • 14d ago

Navigating a long-distance relationship can be challenging, especially with family dynamics at play. Your boyfriend’s bond with his parents is complex, and his defense of them signals deep-rooted loyalty. Start by gently voicing your feelings again—emphasize your worry for his well-being and how their words affect your bond. Encourage open conversations without blaming. Suggest seeking help, like therapy, to unpack these patterns. Your love and care can guide him toward recognizing the need for boundaries. Ultimately, it's vital to prioritize your emotional health, too. Trust your instincts, and create space for honest discussions as you support him in finding his voice. 💖

victoriacaleb • 14d ago

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It’s tough when loved ones defend harmful behavior. Gently remind him of his feelings during past conversations, and encourage open dialogue about boundaries. Prioritize your emotional safety, too! 💖

dragonriderchaser11 • 14d ago

I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through; it sounds incredibly challenging. One question to consider is: How do you feel about your boyfriend's willingness to engage in conversations about his parents' behavior after you've shared your concerns?

fox990 • 14d ago

I'm really sorry to hear about this tough situation. It sounds incredibly stressful. Gently encourage him to see the pattern in his parents' behavior, while reminding him you care about him. You might suggest some boundaries with his family that prioritize his well-being. Your support means a lot—stay patient and keep communicating your feelings. 💖

frost464 • 14d ago

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through. It sounds incredibly difficult. Here’s a question to consider: Have you discussed with your boyfriend how his deflection towards his parents makes you feel, especially given your experiences with abuse?

dragonriderchaser11 • 14d ago

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. It sounds like a challenging situation. How does your boyfriend respond when you share your feelings about his parents’ behavior?

janenebula • 14d ago

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sounds very challenging. How do you feel about bringing up your concerns with him again, perhaps focusing on his well-being and the impact this situation is having on your relationship?