I've lost the girl who genuinely loved me, and I'm struggling to cope with it...

**College Story - (M20)** I’m not really sure why I’m writing this, but I feel the need to express everything. It’s been a month since I lost her, and I’m still struggling to come to terms with it. I’m isolated—no friends, no distractions, not even my former solace of Instagram. All I’m left with is an overwhelming cycle of regret and sorrow. **Chapter 1: The Perfect Illusion** I lost her—the only person who loved me unconditionally. She truly understood me, always stood by my side, fought for me, and made me feel valued. And I let it all slip away. She was my first love in every sense. She was the first person I ever stayed up late studying with, the first girl I danced with in the rain, and the one who saw me at my lowest yet still chose to be with me. She cared for me when I was sick, always checking in on me, ensuring I was okay, and motivating me through every challenge. She was the first person I entrusted with my secrets and my dreams. And now, she’s gone, leaving me lost and unsure how to navigate life without her. I used to remember every detail—what she wore on our first date, the way her smile lit up when she was truly happy, the surprise of her impressive coding skills, and the comfort of her lying on my chest, sharing her dreams. I wrote her letters, crafted handmade cards, and even apology notes when we argued. She once said, “This is the best relationship I’ve ever had,” and I believed her. She was my refuge. We shared a unique bond—our own songs, inside jokes, and cherished films. She loved *Jab We Met*, and I recreated the dance from *Tum Se Hi* just to see her smile. With our birthdays so close together and a mutual admiration for a singer who passed just between those dates, it all felt like destiny. But then, I ruined it. We had our share of disagreements like any couple, but we usually resolved them quickly—until that one blowout. She felt I wasn’t prioritizing her, that I had stopped making an effort. She was right; I had started spending more time with friends, assuming she’d always be there. I took her for granted. In a fit of anger, she broke up with me, and for the first time, she didn’t come back. I thought it was over, and when another girl in my friend group expressed interest, I made a huge mistake and went along with it. I should have known better, but I was desperate to distract myself from the pain of losing her. Then, just two days later, my girlfriend wanted to make amends. That’s when I realized I didn’t want anyone else. I immediately cut ties with the other girl and returned to my girlfriend, but something had shifted. We found ourselves arguing more frequently. When I asked if she was happy, I foolishly told her that if she wasn’t, she should find someone else. That was a damaging thing to say, and it made her doubt everything. Instead of mending things, I made another mistake by reaching out to the other girl again, thinking I could just end it cleanly this time. However, we grew closer than I anticipated, sharing vulnerabilities that should have remained with my girlfriend. When my girlfriend sent me a long text detailing our issues, I was confused. It became clear where I stood, but I told the other girl to limit our interactions, trying to salvage my relationship. I cut her off completely, thinking that would resolve everything. But it was too late. **Chapter 2: The Fall** My girlfriend found out. She talked to the other girl, who twisted the narrative, painting me as the villain. My girlfriend believed her initial claims, and my friends were manipulated into thinking I was entirely at fault—though I admit my mistakes. In no time, I lost everything... At home, my girlfriend felt shattered, her parents even insisting she cut ties with me. She tried despite that, but remnants of the past kept surfacing. We attempted to work through it over a few days, but she would often vent frustrations at me. She didn’t leave immediately. Knowing exams were around the corner, she stayed to help keep me grounded. But once they were over, she walked away from me and blocked every means of communication. I begged, cried, and fell apart before her. In a moment of desperate reflection, I even shaved my beard for the first time in years—a part of my identity that had given me confidence after long battles with self-esteem. I wanted to show I understood the pain I caused. Even my family was stunned by the change. But nothing I did made a difference. She told me, “You broke my trust. You broke my heart. You broke me,” then added, “I’m 20. I can find someone better.” And that shattered what was left of me. During a conversation while she was at home, she told me she liked someone else. I initially dismissed it, thinking it was a tactic to push me away, but it was true. Now, she’s with someone new. I met her today, and as she described her new relationship, my heart sank. The way she talked about this guy—the intimacy they shared, their mutual interests—it felt like a painful déjà vu. Hearing her express how well they clicked brought tears to my eyes as I begged for her back, lost in self-degradation. Every word seemed to taunt me further. It felt as if she reveled in making me jealous, mentioning activities and moments they enjoyed together. I couldn’t help but wonder if her previous crush on him had reignited their connection. While she moves forward with him, I feel abandoned, left wondering if I am overthinking or if she really has found something meaningful with him. Shouldn’t I deserve just one more chance to prove that I can love her truly? What stings even more is that my past mistakes and flirty reputation have dogged me, leading many—including her new boyfriend—to advise her to steer clear of me. I often reflect on how my self-obsession has obliterated my chances of happiness. **Chapter 3: The Reckoning** The most frightening question looms: Will I ever love again? Will anyone ever love me as she did? Am I worthy of love? I’m not sure what I’m hoping to gain from sharing this. I just need some guidance—should I reach out one last time? Should I wait for her to unblock me? Or is it time to accept that I’ve lost the one person who truly loved me? Any advice or thoughts would mean the world to me.